Zombiezoodoo, Z Grand Finale!

The Zombiezoodoo brings us to a zany closure, folks.
It's been one heckuva month.

Through it all, I still burn for Bernie, but that's not going nearly as well as it should.
Realistically, worst case scenario: First US Female President. That ain't bad and it's a lot better than the orange mofo with a fungus (and so many other fascinating things) on his head.

For bonus points: Can you find Caitlyn?

Martha brings it on home in her usual hefty, over-sexed, flat chested, wet-grungy-beaver manner. Arnie thinks that's great, sex tape rumors fly, and it's all gluten free!

Theme song for this A-Z Challenge: Orange Mofo With A Fungus on His Head

Thank you for making it to Z with me, my playful, brave sillies.

Love and sweet chocolate thoughts all around.
Take care of yourselves and kindly excuse me while I get some zzzzzzzzs.

Yesterday's News; Martha, Martha, Martha, A-Z Challenge

We've trumped the Trump with Yesterday's News and a Yucca Tree. It's the Yuckyesterdoo. Imagine a day when this orange mofo is Yesterday's News. What a glorious thought! In times like these, we need to hold tight to such glorious thoughts until they're realized.

Martha Stewart stumbles in, gripping a 3 foot tall glass of something non-virgin.

"High-oh! I'm Mar, Mar, Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! F*k Jan! I'm Marsha Stew, Stupor, and I like to get sloshed sometimes and th, then all the other times too. Times two. Get it? Yeppers, I gotta big, real big and long glass for ya. It's yer, year-shlong. I mean, it's y, yer Yearlong Yuletide Cheer. Put what you wantinit. I like to mix it up with Jack Black Daniel Boon Arnold P, P, Pomegranate 'cuz he da man of my dr, drinks. Waiter, gets me a taxi driver. A young hot dark one, fast! Martha collapses and no one cares to help."

 

"That's a yuge drink," Trump says. "We're gonna make the Muslims in Mexico pay. I'm smart. I'm really smart. All the women on my show wanted me. I understand. I'm handsome. I like women, oh yeah, I like women. The brown people are druggies and rapists. Some are good. They're my servants. Build a wall. I sued the NFL and won a dollar from it. They'll pay for it. I've been bankrupted four times but that was in the past. Sure, I cheated on all my wives. Can you blame me? Everyone wants me! You should see my tower! It's really tall! I got no problems with that. Yeah, you'll see. I like women." 

Waverlywizwackyness, Martha's sexual fetishes, A-Z Challenge

When will it end? Why did I sign up? Why do I have so many wonderful followers when I'm such a wackadoodle? Why is Harry Potter wasting his charm and skills on Trump's head? He's cursing the Trump, we wish, want and will make it so. This WaverlyWizardoo will make things right where all orange evil is concerned. We're promised. And how can we not trust this Waverly Wizard? Look, even Trump is beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have purchased those golf bags on which he had these words engraved in gold: "President Trump, Dicktator of the Universe. I'm rich. I have billions. And I'm smart. I'm rilly smart." 

Wait, will Martha steal his thunder, or will she erupt some thunder of her own?

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort).
 

Tybanksdoo, A-Z Challenge

In case you don't know her name, she pasted it to her chest before topping the Trump.  As you can see, the Tybanksdoo stands loud and proud, and it proves that Donald isn't a racist.

"Oh, I like coloreds, I do. I have some colored servants on my staff, I do. And women? Yeah, I like women. I have no issues with women, believe me. That's not a problem. Tyra can use any bathroom she wants! And so can that...thing, uh, below."

"Hey, I'm Marty Stewart. A mature woman needs hormonal balance, and that's why I've created Testosterone Marthrax. One magical tablet provides 300% of the daily dose of testosterone recommended by Arnold Schwarzenegger. *Belch* Excuse me. Martha grabs her crotch and continues. This amazing pill adds chest hair, a sportly unibrow, obsessive compulsive remote control fetishism, and the urge to boink anything that moves or stands still." Martha raises her arms in a victory "v".

Skibunnydoo, Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series, and the A-Z Challenge

It appears as though a group of tan, vapid ski bunnies have taken to the bumps and cracks of Trump's thick, empty skull. Good for them, I suppose.

"Hey, ladies," Trump shouts upwards. "I like women. I really do. Why have that dweeb bachelor Ben, when you can have me? Oh, I know, I'm married. But I like to fool around. It's a man's right. You'll say 'Wow, Prezdint Trump, what a big high-rise you have!'" Trump raises his eyebrows, as the gal on the far right considers his proposition. 

Meanwhile, Martha has other plans...
"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. Rumors have been swirling since the letter C, so I'm coming clean...or shall I say dirty? Macy's and I proudly present the Stewart Scandalous Sex Tape Series. Watch and learn as I engage in scandalous sex: alone on my sturdy chestnut brown dining room table; with a well endowed blow-up doll as we roll playfully through the apple orchards behind my New Haven Guest House; and alas, in sexy maid attire as I respond to Arnold Schwarzennegger's every request. This series teaches advanced sexual techniques and builds up to erotic, orgasmic sex play. It's simply spectacular. And so am I." Martha's face begins to convulse, as she attempts to smile at Trump and wink at bachelor Ben.
  

The Rosiedoo, A-Z Challenge

They hate each other, and Rosie's many faces eclipse the Trump's head with this newly infamous Rosiedoo. And you thought YOU were having a bad hair day?! Warning: Don't try this at home.

Learn more about this long-standing war. Note: I respect Rosie after watching this:

Trump's Pineappledoo, A-Z Challenge

Did you know that it takes nearly three years for a pineapple to reach maturation? We at Life by Chocolate figured it's worth a try (yeah, we're idealists who feel the Bern), so we slapped a big pineapple on Trump's head. We'll check on him in 2019 in hopes of finding a semblance of maturation.

"Oh I have no problems with size," Trump declares as he points up at the Pineappledoo. "Just ask any of the women from my show, and look at this. It's big. Oh yeah, it's big. You'll say, 'Wow, President Trump, how'd you grow it so big?' And the Muslims in Mexico are gonna pay for it too."


Music: Trump Song

The Big Ofrodoo, A-Z Challenge

Could there be more wealth and ego in one post? When he first announced aspirations to run for Presidency years ago, Trump said "I'd like to have Oprah (as a running mate)." Imagine that ticket. I assume it'd look like this, The Big Ofrodoo:

While Oprah hasn't announced her desire to be Trump's mate, they do have a long history, and she's had him a number of times (on her show). 

"I'll get the Black Afro vote for sure, with Oprah," he boasted. "I'd get the Southamptons and those other Southern states. Oh, I will with the Trump-Winfrey ticket. Oh you'll see. We'll win big! We'll win really, really big, with Oprah on my ballot. You'll say 'President Trump, how'd you get such a big win?' I'll say, 'I had the Big Ofrodoo.' You'll see."

A young Trump eyes Oprah's bosoms.

As usual, Martha steals the spotlight with a smaller, almost unidentifiable Oprah.

I couldn't think of any sexual experiences starting with "O", so I crafted the Oprah Organizer. This delightful organizer comes with compartments of various sizes and colors. As a bonus, a mini-Oprah doll is attached. You can pad her clothes to watch her enlarge instantly like the real thing. Plus the compartments make for handy storage space for precious items like diamond earrings, insider trading secrets, KY Lubricant, and hashish. Some people think I'm a White racist elite *bleep.* This Oprah Organizer proves them wrong. Why would a bigot create a product with a miniature -- what's the term? -- Aphrodisian Americano?

Take care, my friends.

Keep laughing - it's the only way.

Nine Nice 'n Naughty Nincompoops (and one hot cowboy), A-Z Challenge

He's been bragging about size, people. So I told him, I said, "Look dude, if it's that big, Nine Nice and Naughty Nincompoops are going to have some fun on your head."

"I've no problems with size," Trump said. "You'll see. You'll say 'President Trump,' you're gonna say. 'You have no problems with size. Your head is so huge.' You'll see. 'President Trump,' you'll say, 'We can't believe how big you are. The Muslims in Mexico will pay for it too! I'm gonna make 'em do it!"

As needy as she is naughty, Martha had to return:

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. I've longed for my days at the stony lonesome. You see, Big Bertha was in the cell next to mine. What's more - Martha fans herself - a very Naughty Prison Guard took charge and covered me from time to time, when I slipped him a few thousand dollars. My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean. *Wink.*

Sorry again. Never again, folks. Let's hope.
Keep a smile.

MeandBerndoo, A-Z

First, be it known that I think Bernie and Jane Sanders are a wonderful, powerful, intelligent, enlightened, warm-loving couple. And infidelity is wrong. Be it also known that I burn for Bernie. He graciously agreed to join me on Trump's head for the MeandBerndoo. This way, with Trump getting undue air-time, we'd get some too.

Hillary was peeved. "Listen," she lectured, "President Obama never would have done anything like that. I'm not a racist. I believe in stricter gun control because it's a scary world that we live in. I need to win really, really big in New York. I'll pay you and George Clooney $65,000 to vote for me..."
 
Fortunately, Martha Stewart, now oddly resembling a younger, less repressed Hillary, interrupted with last year's M post.

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, and I like a man who's well endowed. So this --Martha raises her index and middle fingers then curls them over, making air quotation marks-- "Member" Maximizer can really come in handy. I found it on craigslist and made a bunch of them. I then added my name carefully near the head of each Maximizer using a black Sharpie. This Martha Stewart Member Maximizer is lubricant friendly, enhances girth, makes for extra firmness, and adds an entire inch in length.

  Oy vey, my friends. So sorry. The good news, though, is that we're halfway there. M is mid-alphabet. The bad news, though, is that we're halfway there. M is mid-alphabet.

Keep a smile.

The Lowlylohandoublechindoo, A-Z Challenge

Crap! We hardly recognized her when she stomped into the studio. She's grown a chin or two, and the bright sun glasses block from view her bloodshot eyes.

Lindsay said she's "f*n sick and tired of that f*n Katy Pair-of-Jugs b*tch getting so much air time."

Katy looked at her and shouted, "Roar!" then ran away.

Lohan believes she once again found a place in this world (as a substitute for Trump's hair).

We think Trump likes this Lowlylohandoublechindoo better than the Katydoo. Perhaps that's because Trump and Lohan have the same values: none.

As if the fashion blasphemy of today's post wasn't enough, Lord save us all! Martha is back again  - trying to seduce Trump and sell some Lopez sh*t. Sorry folks.

"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. A woman has needs, so I thought I'd try the Lopez look. I designed her dress, wore it, and then hung out (in more ways than one) with Meryl Streep to complain about how unfairly paid women are. It was a splendid time. Now, I'm going in search of a good *bleep.* Oh, I partnered with Walmart to promote the Lopez Lookalike Line. You can buy one of these dresses for $1 million.Ta ta! Or should I say 'Ta tas!'?" Martha attempts a smile, we think.

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate deeply regrets this Ludicrous & Lowly post. We would like to promise that it won't happen again, but some things are out of our control. Please forgive us.

Katydoo, A-Z Challenge

As Hillary ponders WWBD? WWBD? (What would Bernie do? Repeat.), her most enthusiastic cheerleader, Katy Perry, decides to gain attention by jumping atop Trump's head. Boasting an H on her left boob and with her hair tucked into a trendy patriotic flag turbin, Katy shouts "Let's go Hillary! Roar! Roar! Ya'all need to vote for her! Roar!"

Hillary begins to wonder about Katy's intellect (that is, whether or not Katy has any intellect).

Trump considers how he can see what's going on up there, because he really likes women. "They say I hate women," he barks, grabbing his crotch. "I like women, believe me. I have no problems with women, except that cow Rosie O'Donnell."

Strange times, indeed.

This ensemble is the Katydoo.
Music: I Kissed A Girl ~ Parody. Note: Our cast and crew suspect that Trump is disguised as the old woman in this video.

Jaggerdoo Jamboree, A-Z Challenge

It's getting stranger and stranger around here. For one, Trump's boasting a Jaggerdoo.

And Martha's so excited by the Jaggerdoo, she brought her Redneck buddies for a raucous co-ed clothing optional down 'n dirty mud-wrestling Jamboree.

Recommended side dish for this J compilation: Barbecued Tongue  

Music: Moves Like Jabba

Ivanadoo, A-Z Challenge

Next up: the Ivanadoo.

The Ivanadoo is Trump's attempt to combine his disturbing orange mofo presence with a slick, sexy appeal. It appears Trump's servants are jealous that they weren't chosen for this doo. I told 'em: "Look, chicks, he needed some sex-appeal and intellect up there, and while she ain't Eleanor Roosevelt or Whoopi Goldberg, she did divorce him long ago. She's at least a little bit smart. And she's fairly hot too." They cried to their limo driver, who happily escorted them to his chambers.

Oh no, not again! F*k!!! SO SORRY!! Dangit, Martha, I told you to get lost! She's back again. I can't seem to keep her away.  Forgive me, friends. Please!

I'm Martha Stewart, and my attempts to get *bleep'd* haven't worked. So I've taken matters into my own hands. I bought something at Nymph I Am, signed it with my name, and priced it fairly reasonably. This pretty pink glow-in-the-dark -- Martha holds up her index and third fingers, then curls them over to form quotation marks -- "massager" acts as an Instant Invigoration Item. The shaft is flexible and bends with the contours of your vaginal canal. Best yet, you can adjust the speed for a comforting, soothing evening alone or a rough night of sock-it-to-me sex for one. Either way, you'll glow with pleasure for hours. And you'll have me to thank. *Wink.*

Fungusesamongusesdoo, A-Z Challenge

It's all a tad redundant. Sorry folks. I'm sorry for this whole saga. Today, Trump's hair has been replaced by funguses in the form of  'shrooms. Here we see the Fungusesamongusesdoo:

Music: Mushrooms by (and for) The Dirtball

Eggplantazoodoo, A-Z Challenge

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate thought this look was a bit Freudian, but Trump insisted on wearing the Eggplantazoodoo.

"I'll show the world I have no problems with size," he insisted. "If you think the eggplant is big, look at my head!" He sneered, nodded arrogantly, and grabbed his crotch. "Oh, President Trump," you'll all say, "We've never seen such a big one before. And you'll keep saying it and saying it until you're tired of saying it. And Mexico will pay for the Eggplantazoodoo. I'll make them pay, alright. I'll make them pay. You'll ask, 'President Trump, how'd you make them pay?' I'll say 'oh, I'm a pro. I'm pro bono. Just ask any of the women from my show.'"

Music: the Infamous Eggplant Song.
Note: man in background is hilarious, especially when he brings out a tuba at 1:06.

Doggydoodoo, A-Z Challenge

Dear Sillies,

I'm back from my travels. I wasn't able to go on-line there, so please forgive my recent absence. I'll be doing my best to catch up this week. Oh, my trip? Well, Mexico and I decided that instead of a wall at the border, we'd build it around Trump's mouth. But despite our hard work and dedication to the cause, we couldn't build it fast or big enough. So we'll reconvene after Passover - I'll have some new ideas by then based on how my people built all those grand pyramids and stuff. We'll send the bill for parts and labor to Trump. (That, like him, is a no-brainer.) 

For now, Trump's sporting a doggy on his head. Not unlike my friend Bryan Pedas predicted, the candidate is herein modeling the Doggydoodoo. There's a lot of doo in this one. Naturally, a required accessory is the Dumps for Trump Poop bag. 

As a timely reminder, when I told Trump that he wouldn't be paid for this blog gig because it's pro bono, he barked: "Oh I'm a pro bono." He pawed his crotch and continued: "All the woman on my show said, 'Wow, Mr. Trump, you have a very, very big bono!"

Extra Special D addition: I'm interviewed about my book at Diapers, Detentions, and Downdogs here.  Jennifer Williams Fields asked all the right questions.

Music: Orange Mofo With a Fungus on His Head.

 

BerrAssmentDooDoo, Cabargagedoodoo: A-Z Challenge

    My friends, it seems Donald Trump's men are actually reviewing public statements about him and somehow, they found my blog! Thus, I'm being sent to the US-Mexican border to work on a wall. I shouted, "Let my people go!" But I was told to shut the f*ck up and cross the sea. I said, "Look, orange mofo, there's no sea between us and Mexico." Trump appeared confused by that, flipped me off, grabbed his crotch, and walked away. At any rate, I won't be finished for a couple days --I know, strong as I am, that's a big border, so I'm going to post B and C now.

The BerrAssmentdoodoo works in synchronicity with a nice glass of Rose O'Donnell or for the non-drinker, orange mofo juice.

Subtle but loud, the Cabargagedoodoo mixes well with a splash of mayo to the nose or crotch region.

Music: Orange Mofo With a Fungus on His Head.

 

Online Dating, Sloths, and A-Z Reveal

Remember Einstein, breeder and milker of sloths? He's hard to forget, and he wrote back. Try as I might to keep the exchange sloth-relevant, he's been attempting human conversation. Yet a sloth would be more entertaining. Here's our recent email discourse:

Einstein, Mar 10: I'm back from Florida done with all of my training!!! I got a new breeding pair of sloths!!! How have you been???

Me, Mar 10: Florida? I imagine it's ripe for sloth breeding and milking. I mean, sloths love to hang out in the tropics. Very cool! Were you trained on new breeding or milking techniques? Do share. I'm doing well, just a bit slowed down by the rain. It makes tree-climbing trickier, but I'm developing hearty biceps, so that's a good thing. Cheers and happy slothing, Robyn

Einstein, Mar 16: Hello how is your day going???

Me, Mar 16: Some moments have been slow and sloth-like, other times I'm frazzled. How about your day?

Einstein, Mar 17: My day was super busy as usual but enjoyable. Any plans for the day?

Me, Mar 17: I work full-time. Heading out soon for a local Open Mic. Happy St. Pat's Day! Robyn

Einstein, Mar 18: How was open mic night!!!!

Me, Mar 19: It was fun how was your evening!!

And that was the "excitement" of my "dating" life these days.
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     Now, with more apologies than I mustered last year when Martha Stewart attempted to sex-up the place...We can't avoid seeing him. Yet the mere thought of him provokes worldwide nausea, untamed rage, fevered cynicism, and chilling heartache. His skills are limited to: stroking his own ego and perhaps his favorite body part--which we're assured is of sufficient size, and vomiting stupidity and hate. But wait! He CAN sport a new line of A-Z-dos. Perhaps the images will help ease the sight of him. 
      Yes, folks, Donald Trump agreed to host my A-Z Challenge. He said something about sending the bill to Mexico. I said, "No, dude, it's pro bono." To this, Trump said, whilst grabbing his crotch, "Oh I'm a pro. Believe me. All the women on my show, the one that NBC fired me from 'cuz they're stupid f*ckers, said 'What a big bono you have, Mr. Trump'!" 

Tune in next month, as Donald Trump models an alphabet's worth of hairdos. 
For example, he'll show us the Ivana-do for "I."

Note that I wouldn't display these alphabetized Trump-dos if I didn't have faith in the ultimate Trump-lose. He will lose. Keep faith. And in the meantime, let us laugh at his expense. Shall we?

Keep a smile and a stash of good chocolate, my dear sillies.
Take care of yourselves.
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Final note: As I inch closer to 50 reviews on Amazon for Woman on the Verge of Paradise, I beg. If you read and reviewed my book, I love you. A lot. If you read but didn't review it, please do. I'll love you more. If you haven't read but are willing to give it a whirl and then write a review on Amazon, I'll gladly show my love for you by sending a free copy (e-book or signed paperback). Please email me at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. Thank you kindly!

The Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package: Oy Vey, It's Finally Over!!

Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and what a month it's been. Let's take a look back. Shall we? You've seen my Hefty Heffer Hideaway, with enough flappy fat in which to stash a Cuisinart. You caught glimpses from my scandalous sex tape series. I sported my very manly chest, then belched and grabbed my crotch, when on Testosterone. I cleaned up inside with the handy dandy Vaginal Vac. Don't forget that a clean beaver always gets more wood. Last night, some Yearlong Yuletide cheer did me in. Best of all, Arnold thinks it's great. And so do you. Admit it. I'll sell it all to you -- the whole alphabet's worth of items combined in this lovely Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package -- for $70 million. Just buy it. You know you want to. *Wink.* Is this *bleep'n* thing finally over? *Bleep* That little *bleep* who runs this blog. She's a sick *bleep*! Oh, hi. I didn't know the cameras were still rolling. Tootles!