Fun With My Dream Boy

Dear Sillies,

I was pretty upset over Clark, so I did something I hadn't done in years. I dove back into the risky, sketchy, weird world of on-line dating. Yikes. Boy are there winners in that swamp. Take "James," for example. He seems and looks so perfectly dreamy. Only thing is, James input the wrong age by seven years. This made me suspect. Thus I had some fun with him (or a robot).

James: Your profile got my attention 😊 , I am 55 yrs old mistake on my age 😊 

(Note: Age says 62.) Work as a Senior Project Architect and a project coordinator who supports project managers on major projects. You do more projecting than a frat boy during pledge week, sweetie.Robyn: How is it that there was a mistake on your age, James? You can simply go into your profile, click on the pencil/edit icon, and change it. James: so what you do work ?

Robyn: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure out how to change your age on your profile, even though I gave you the simple instructions to do that? For work, I'm a special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigations. 

James: Awww thanks . Have a mixed background and an interesting heritage ( Swedish and Italian). I enjoy the small things in life. Would be lovely to take this wonderful conversations ahead , please leave me with contact lets connect on the phone lol  

Robyn: Awww yes. I cannot wait to get ahead with you and check out your blue prints lol I don't like small things. I'm sure yours, being part Italian, is like a fat and long sausage. Call me at (415) 926-5818. * 

James: Awww thanks, would text you tomorrow

*That number is a San Francisco area number for ordering Viagra discreetly. You can thank me discreetly too. Wink.

Reasons for Celibacy, #29-33

Hi, Dear Sillies,
   First, I want to point you to Joanne's blog - in case you're not one of her groupies. I'm being selfish. Joanne gave Trumpeter a wonderful spotlight. She's also just an all-out awesome blogger, author, woman, and e-friend. You should follow her blog and buy my book. If you haven't already. 
   Now, it's time to present more reasons for celibacy. As usual, these are lifted from internet dating ads and mixed with my italicized snark.
   Be well, my friends, and laugh.

   Love you.
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REASON #29: Argue like an italian. Well, okay. Your Mama's cannoli is the ugliest I've ever seen! What man would want a piece of that?

REASON #30: Me likey the noir. Me no likey your noir.

REASON #31: Looking for a woman who gots my back I gots to guess you gots one of those hairy backs. I gots no interest.

REASON #32: I shall endevour to be as neutral and accurate as possible while maintaining a     "Positive Spin" in a P.T. Barnum kinda way. That sentence was extremely painful, in a freak show PT Barnum kind of way. Lived in a Norman Rockwell painting for several years with no parental supervision. I suppose if I lived in a painting, I’d make sure my parents weren’t watching me either. I am searching for the woman of my dreams. ( Note the use of the singular subject of the sentence.) (Once again, please note the use of the singular noun.) Sweetheart, I suggest you get used to the singular thing.

REASON #33: Need someone to fetch me beers! I have a suggestion, love bug. It goes like this: Go to the nearest kennel, ask for an empty cage, and stay in it. 

Desperately Seeking

My Dear Sillies,
   Rest assured, you need not invest any effort into finding your soulmate. They will find you!
   This fine gentleman, Welton Carthen, found...not me (I never have such luck), but my and our dear friend, Alex J. Cavanaugh. Yeah, he follows Alex. We can't fault his taste. He wants the best.
   Thanks for sharing him with me, Alex. Not that way. Sheesh, people. Alex and Mrs. Ninja are doing just fine. As for Welton and I, well, things were getting serious until I was distracted by a young Russian beauty.

@welton_carthen I am a single man and not married I am looking for a good woman to spend the rest of my life with ,let talk So has to get to know more about each other

Desperate Russian Girls Looking for Dates To: You

You're looking for me, sweetie? Because I was kinda getting serious with Welton. I see that you wrote to ME, though. YES!! And you're only 29, honey. And you live only 12 km from "the city." Really, Marina? You're 12 km from Chico? That's amazing! Wait, you're 176cm in height? Oooh, I'm afraid I, uh, I'm intimidated. But surely, someone like you is desperate. The struggle is real, isn't it? May this free advertising help! Don't worry. It'll happen some day, babe. That's what they keep telling me. Not everyone is focused on looks. Some people like thick, black eyebrows too. *blowing her a kiss.*

Reasons for Celibacy #12-17

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you kindly.
And now, let's return to this series.
I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White shared a moment. Note: I look happy. Betty looks suspect. Enough banter, onto more serious matters - reasons #12-17 for a smart, straight gal to choose celibacy. Taken directly from internet dating ads, and enhanced (err, diminished) by my italicized snark, please enjoy:

REASON #12: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too? 

REASON #13: my job: union: Oakland Steel Erection
In spite of your arrogance, give me a call. Wink. 

REASON #14: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!

REASON #15: NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE. IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow: How do you coast ta cost? Do ya do it over or under ta road? How much does it cost? Does it cost less if you coast the whole way over? 

REASON #16: Looking for some real people no fake *ss
Well, look no further, dude. See photo and/or ask Betty. That *ss ain't fake.
 
REASON #17: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS; THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. Gimme a moment while I check with Human Resources. NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated.

Revival of Reasons for Celibacy! Reasons one through five

Dear Sillies,
   Nearly eight years ago, Life by Chocolate created a flimsy stage and quiet but sassy home here. For most of this time, I was (and perhaps am - to be revealed) celibate. Of all my blog series', this one, Reasons for Celibacy, was far and away the most popular. Your comments have had me in stitches too.
   In recent years, though, some key dating sites --for example, a "fishy" one-- stopped allowing free searches. You have to set up an account. Seems they were onto me. Thus, I ran out of new stuff and stopped posting.
   Yet there's too much good material here, right? Hundreds of reasons for a sweet, smart gal like me to choose celibacy. And very few of you graced our studio in days of ole. Even if you remember some of these, I'm hopeful their value hasn't diminished in time. Please, my friends, enjoy this long overdue Revival of my Reasons for Celibacy.
   Note: These are actual on-line dating ads or scraps thereof, combined with my actual snark (bold italics).

REASON #1: Note the specific categories to which this guy responded, because he clearly did not.

MY ETHNICITY: I feel like u should treat somebody with respect and like they are a person not a peice of meat or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. Sounds like you’re one of those misunderstood mutts who has to check the “Other” box a lot. I know your pain.
MY RELIGION: I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them Are you trying to say that you're a Mormon?

MY PETS: I consider myself to be very simple. I see this. I believe that women needs to be treated with respect and as a equal partner in a relationship, but all I seem to find is the ones that does not know how to respond to that or is untrusting to it. Honey, that's likely because you consider ‘a women a equal’ to your pets. Do you serve them cat food in a bowl, or do they eat it straight from a can?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #2: A man that will stick to the oath of for better for worse and till death do us part i am not saying i am looking for a perfect man but the right man . I don’t know if you skipped Sex Ed. Day in 5th grade, but you do know that you are listed as a man seeking a woman. Right? There's nothing wrong with any of it, except that you clearly copied and pasted a woman's ad without even reading it. The more I communicate with you, the more fascinated I am becoming. I am very definitely interested. We are very definitely at a very early stage of a relationship Whoa dude. Now, you're creeping me out. I didn’t correspond at all. In fact, I’m avoiding any interaction, because you are a lazy weirdo. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #3: I am a firm believer of freewill. Freewill? Isn’t that the movie about a boy who falls in love with a killer whale? Cool, I believe in that stuff too! I must connect with persons who also believe in solid freewill. Oh, “solid freewill.” The whale’s pretty burly. Is that what you mean? I mean freewill Yeah, I got that much; of choice with no regrets, Hmm just understanding about life’s gifts and lessons. Enjoy every moment possible for tomorrow may bring the end of those moments Not good. A sobering thought. which is fine when you appreciate the time spent with another. The future will always come to give us a hopeful interest and enlighten our lives. How does that work, if tomorrow may be the end? This is why I respect others and pay attention to each person’s character, which I may fully connect with the ones they and I choose to connect with in a mind, physical and emotion relationship. This freewill stuff doesn't work for me. I think the Director had a different tone in mind. Excuse me while I ride my solid freewill outta here in search of Moby Dick or something that pleasures me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #4: I have a mother so, you don’t try to do my chores and I will make the effort to view your comments about your life as an expression, as such I will try not to see them as problems to fix. Deal?! Who could refuse such a warmhearted deal? Tell you what, sweetie, what you and mommy do together isn't my business. Deal!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #5: Just to be completely open, anyone who claims to be a Liberal should just pass me by. I'm only interested in women who can actually think for themselves, so therefore they cannot be a Liberal. Just to be completely open, my brain cells are simmering right now. I think I'm having a thought. Wait! Here it is: You are single for good, good reason, sir. I thought up that one all by myself.

Celibacy and Suburbia

Dear Sillies,

I'm pulling together a mishmash of blog funnies for a little book: Celibacy and Suburbia - to be published soon-ish. One of its sections includes 250 reasons for celibacy. Here's a sample from the middle of that list. You might've seen these before. I take faith that they didn't bore you then, and they won't bore you now.

Taken directly from internet dating ads, embellished by my italicized snark, please enjoy reasons #125-135 for this straight single woman to celebrate celibacy.

125) Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?  
 1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.

       2) Hooked-on-Phonics for you.

126) Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!

You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!

127) I like holding hands and candles.

Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers as you do the lit candle.

128) You had me at let's make out!

You must’ve misunderstood, sweetie. I said “Get the hell away from me!”

129) there is no spoon...

No spoon? Stick a fork in it!

130) What Good is Sitting Alone in Your Room?

It’s great for reading, writing, talking on the phone or masturbating, to mention a few.

131) Do you have it in you?

Not right now, babe, but I hope to on Saturday night. 

132) Guaranteed more fun than your ex!

It’s good to set the bar low.

133) Helpwanted  

Okay, babe. The space-bar is just below the bottom row of letters. Tap it gently with either of your thumbs.

134) I am your density...

*gripping a hearty roll of belly fat*. Funny, I thought that was all the chocolate I eat.

135) Born with a Bow Tie 

Did it hurt your mommy’s inner-nether regions?

Be good to yourselves, and have a calm week, my friends.

Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate. 

Online Dating, Sloths, and A-Z Reveal

Remember Einstein, breeder and milker of sloths? He's hard to forget, and he wrote back. Try as I might to keep the exchange sloth-relevant, he's been attempting human conversation. Yet a sloth would be more entertaining. Here's our recent email discourse:

Einstein, Mar 10: I'm back from Florida done with all of my training!!! I got a new breeding pair of sloths!!! How have you been???

Me, Mar 10: Florida? I imagine it's ripe for sloth breeding and milking. I mean, sloths love to hang out in the tropics. Very cool! Were you trained on new breeding or milking techniques? Do share. I'm doing well, just a bit slowed down by the rain. It makes tree-climbing trickier, but I'm developing hearty biceps, so that's a good thing. Cheers and happy slothing, Robyn

Einstein, Mar 16: Hello how is your day going???

Me, Mar 16: Some moments have been slow and sloth-like, other times I'm frazzled. How about your day?

Einstein, Mar 17: My day was super busy as usual but enjoyable. Any plans for the day?

Me, Mar 17: I work full-time. Heading out soon for a local Open Mic. Happy St. Pat's Day! Robyn

Einstein, Mar 18: How was open mic night!!!!

Me, Mar 19: It was fun how was your evening!!

And that was the "excitement" of my "dating" life these days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
     Now, with more apologies than I mustered last year when Martha Stewart attempted to sex-up the place...We can't avoid seeing him. Yet the mere thought of him provokes worldwide nausea, untamed rage, fevered cynicism, and chilling heartache. His skills are limited to: stroking his own ego and perhaps his favorite body part--which we're assured is of sufficient size, and vomiting stupidity and hate. But wait! He CAN sport a new line of A-Z-dos. Perhaps the images will help ease the sight of him. 
      Yes, folks, Donald Trump agreed to host my A-Z Challenge. He said something about sending the bill to Mexico. I said, "No, dude, it's pro bono." To this, Trump said, whilst grabbing his crotch, "Oh I'm a pro. Believe me. All the women on my show, the one that NBC fired me from 'cuz they're stupid f*ckers, said 'What a big bono you have, Mr. Trump'!" 

Tune in next month, as Donald Trump models an alphabet's worth of hairdos. 
For example, he'll show us the Ivana-do for "I."

Note that I wouldn't display these alphabetized Trump-dos if I didn't have faith in the ultimate Trump-lose. He will lose. Keep faith. And in the meantime, let us laugh at his expense. Shall we?

Keep a smile and a stash of good chocolate, my dear sillies.
Take care of yourselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final note: As I inch closer to 50 reviews on Amazon for Woman on the Verge of Paradise, I beg. If you read and reviewed my book, I love you. A lot. If you read but didn't review it, please do. I'll love you more. If you haven't read but are willing to give it a whirl and then write a review on Amazon, I'll gladly show my love for you by sending a free copy (e-book or signed paperback). Please email me at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. Thank you kindly!

Misadventures and Sloths in Online Dating

Dear Sillies,

Remember Einstein, who breeds and milks sloths? I haven't heard back from him since I suggested that the greatest challenge in milking a sloth involves getting high enough in a tree to securely grasp its "utters." [If you hear about a man falling from a tree while attempting to milk a sloth, you can thank me for that one.] But it's not all discouraging, friends. One cute, witty man sent me these True Facts about the Sloth. I rarely post videos here, yet this one's short (2:19) and TRULY worthy. Unfortunately, I'm out of the sender's age range, but we benefit from this entertaining video.

Have a great week.
Keep a smile, and be glad that you are not a sloth.

Reasons for Celibacy #376 -383: Lord's Pick // Giveaway Announcement!

And now, onto reasons number 376 through 383 for a straight single gal to avoid the dating swamps in favor of eternal celibacy. These ads represent the options. It doesn't get much worse. And yet, neither does it get much better. As usual, what's bolded is lifted directly from on-line dating forums.
My snarky comments follow. Please enjoy...from afar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #376: HelloAsk me a thing you want
Okay, will you give me a nice, big, dark man or piece of chocolate?

REASON #377: You Down Enuff??? 

Any further down, sweetie, and I’ll see the Earth’s core or Uranus.

My favorite of this bunch:

REASON #378: I want the Lord pick the girl for me! 

Honey, the Lord undoubtedly has a high-speed Wifi connection, but I’m guessing the Almighty ain’t reading this ad.  Try increasing the font and see if that works!

REASON #379: looking for a fun girl country or other 

Well, “other” leaves the field wide open, so that’s a good strategy. As far as “fun girl country,” I’m thinking you’d do best to stick with the free world: US, Canada, or a Chippendales bachelorette party in the Swiss Alps.

REASON #380: Humble with a hint of Kanye

Dude, that’s like saying anorexic with a hint of Oprah, or civilized with a hint of Trump, or sexually desirable with a hint of Martha Stewart. It just doesn’t work.

REASON #381: i do not get the meet me,send mesge

i do not get it either, babe.

REASON #382: don't look to hard

Alas, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft. Thank you! You’re a genius!

REASON #383: Essentially Male

Does this mean you are marginally, practically, or secretly Female? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, sweetheart. We're all on the spectrum.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keep a smile, my friends, as we enter a new month.

In February, our staff and crew like to collect as much Valentine's Hate as we're able. So we're sponsoring our annual Hate Love Sweet Package GIVEAWAY! The next string of posts will be dedicated to the GIVEAWAY.  Winner will receive a generous package of sweetness.

Rules: (1) Be a follower --of my blog, that is. (2) For the next week or so (I'll announce that here) submit in the comments section your best and most humorous hateful Valentine's message in UP TO AND NOT MORE THAN 50 WORDS. Flattery works for me, so don't hold back, BUT I'll put it up to public vote. I'll make the deciding vote, if needed. It's kinda your standard cooperative communistic dictatorship. Wink. (You like that, CW?) 

Ready, set, go!

Can't wait to read your entries.

Take care, dear sillies.

Reasons for Celibacy, #358 through 367 & Ben Single on Han Diet

Dear Friends,
I hope you're doing well and taking good care of yourselves. Our thoughts are with Paris. Life is so brutal for much of the world, sometimes I feel as though the best I can do is attempt to spread laughter. So here's another attempt: reasons #358 through 367 for a straight single gal to remain celibate. I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, neither awake nor in my sleep. That's to say, these are lifted directly from on-line dating sites and peppered by my italicized snark. Enjoy the weirdness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #358: So a lot of women on this site think the men on here are lame and are all dogs. Most of them horny hood rats need to take a good look in the mirror.

Hey, watch it, buddy. I’m not…a hood rat!

REASON #359: I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic.

You forgot delusional.

REASON #360: Klutzes, be like trippin'

Yeah, well, at least we don’t be like using commas when they don’t be like needed, bro.

 

REASON #361: m looking for that special girl that stand by me

n

REASON #362: I would love to walk the ocean beaches

It’s been done before. Hints: He saves. Son of virgin Mary. Middle name starts with H.

REASON #363: I'm ben single. for long time girls. I like. All kinds. Of. Music. My to have. My own. Place. I I'm life Han diet. A and do art and I like to ride. Morter. Cikols

Dear Ben Single,

Regrettably, I’m not interested in you. I am curious, though, is Chewbacca on the Han diet?

Best Regards,

Robyn Engel

REASON #364: Sex can i ?

No Yoda say.

REASON #365: Funner then your ex 

So is a colonoscopy.

REASON #366: Demisexual

I can’t fault you for that, babe. Demi Moore’s a hottie.

REASON #367: My density has popped me to you

Honey, I’m impressed by the power of your density. Mine just pops open my belt buckle.