Fun With My Dream Boy

Dear Sillies,

I was pretty upset over Clark, so I did something I hadn't done in years. I dove back into the risky, sketchy, weird world of on-line dating. Yikes. Boy are there winners in that swamp. Take "James," for example. He seems and looks so perfectly dreamy. Only thing is, James input the wrong age by seven years. This made me suspect. Thus I had some fun with him (or a robot).

James: Your profile got my attention 😊 , I am 55 yrs old mistake on my age 😊 

(Note: Age says 62.) Work as a Senior Project Architect and a project coordinator who supports project managers on major projects. You do more projecting than a frat boy during pledge week, sweetie.Robyn: How is it that there was a mistake on your age, James? You can simply go into your profile, click on the pencil/edit icon, and change it. James: so what you do work ?

Robyn: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure out how to change your age on your profile, even though I gave you the simple instructions to do that? For work, I'm a special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigations. 

James: Awww thanks . Have a mixed background and an interesting heritage ( Swedish and Italian). I enjoy the small things in life. Would be lovely to take this wonderful conversations ahead , please leave me with contact lets connect on the phone lol  

Robyn: Awww yes. I cannot wait to get ahead with you and check out your blue prints lol I don't like small things. I'm sure yours, being part Italian, is like a fat and long sausage. Call me at (415) 926-5818. * 

James: Awww thanks, would text you tomorrow

*That number is a San Francisco area number for ordering Viagra discreetly. You can thank me discreetly too. Wink.

Date by Telegram? Nincompooptitude

Dear Sillies,
    What happened to the long lost art of...talk? Seriously, men my age (50 plus) -- you grew up with the coil wrapped around your fingers as you chatted on the phone -- did you not? Men of all ages: Congratulations! You can write "hey"! That's good for nothing. Hint: The "hey" that's for horses has an "a" not "e" in it.
   Yeah, I'm frustrated. I've had some fun* with male prospects in the past months. But when it comes to follow through, their girthy ineptitude shows.   *=kissy-kissy, no nookie-nookie.
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   We'll call this man Paul Revere. Paul and I had fun* at a Halloween party. Paul put my number in his smart phone. He even tossed out a possible New Year's date, so I'm pretty sure he was interested. He seemed to be a nice, nerdy type. 
   But there was no next-day phone-call.
   Two days later, this FB correspondence ensued:
  
   "I tried to text you. Bad signal. I don't think you got it."
   "Drats. No worries. It was fun to meet you. I hope to see you again soon."
   "Are you free this weekend?"
   "Not Friday. Saturday, yes."
   No message until Sunday from Paul.
   "Sorry to keep you hanging. I couldn't make it. Brunch now to talk about the logistics of a proper date?"
   "Right now? No, I can't, catching up on lots of things. Thanks."
   "How about Wed?" You want to marry me? You can't even talk to me! He sends me a blurb about a music event on Wednesday.
   "Well, I've other things planned that night, but maybe we can meet afterwards, since I'll be a few doors down from the show."
   "Sounds great. Here's my land line 28675309. Other phone is 18675309. Land line#" (again for emphasis).
   "Okay. You have my number."
   "If you can't reach me, Western Union telegraph works in a pinch."

   "Ha! I'll send smoke signals."
   After I wrote this, I realized that perhaps he wasn't trying for humor. I googled the telegram/telegraph. Guess what, my dears? It still exists!
  Furthermore, the shortest telegraphic exchange is attributed to Oscar Wilde. Living in Paris, he is supposed to have cabled his publisher in London to see how how his new book was doing. The telegram simply read “?” to which the reply cabled back was "!" 

I wrote to Revere again:
   "I thought you were kidding about Western Union. I'm not up for that. This is taking too much work. Best of luck to you."

   Sigh. One if by land, two if by sea, three if I shalt ne'er see you again, Mr. Revere. 
             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be well, safe, and good to you!
Love.

Midget Minded Morty and a Six Dollar Taco

   At the risk of him reading this, we'll call the guy "Morty." 
   Morty likes me. Until he reads this. Morty looks like a grandpa. Not like today's youthful grandpas. More like a there-are-some-white-hairs-sprouting-from-his-nostrils grandpas.

   Morty is nice.
   I don't want to date Morty.
   Months ago, Morty asked me if I wanted to go for drinks, and I politely said "no" by suggesting a rain check. Dumb move. 
   But to my credit, it hardly ever rains in Chico. It might never rain again until the final apocalyptic grand flash flood. So that rain check would never be legit.
   Not so fast. When my birthday rolled around, Morty insisted on redeeming said rain check by taking me out for dinner. So I agreed to meet Morty for a quick bite at a cheap Mexican eatery.
  
   On the eve of this rain check redemption, Morty paid $6 for my taco. In front of the cashier, he then, to my surprise, asked casually "Do I get to spank you for your birthday?"
   "No! Now you're pushing it!" I guarded my taco and moved my tuchas out of his arms' range.
   I mean, really, my friends. If a man pays (only) $6 for my taco, he isn't entitled to spank me too. 
   Morty proceeded to ask about my weekend plans, suggesting that we get together (so he could spank me?).
   I told Morty that I don't wish to date. I'm happy being single.
   "That's too bad," Morty said, disappointed.

   When I saw Morty last weekend at a community event, he said that he'd noticed that I was a very small girl in a 1970s photo I'd posted on Facebook. Um, yes. I was a very small girl. Morty then said "You know, now, medically, you'd qualify as a m--"
   I know, right!?
   Distracted, Morty turned his head to talk to someone else. 
   Morty turned back to me, "Well, I'm going swimming with the grandkids. See ya."
   Okay, Morty. Are you trying to tell me you're striving for shrinkage 'cuz you want to date and spank a medical midget?

   I thought I'd heard the worst of it. But this one, my friends, that comment --Oy vey.
   Morty, if you're reading this, you must have a very small...set of social skills.
   PS My taco is worth more than $6.

A Human Date of Late to Hate

   A few weeks ago, a sudden outpouring of men were in the picture. Herb seemed my best prospect. He thoroughly charmed me. "A pretty person like you often has a beautiful soul." A winning line, right? 
   Even better, we were both pleased upon meeting in-person. Dinner was great. We had friendly discourse about work, his child, my writing. Unlike other dates, Herb picked up the bill without hesitation.
   And then, better still, he invited me to his place. "I'll play music for you," he said. Herb sings and plays guitar. 
   His shiny black guitar across his lap, Herb sang soft familiar tunes. I sat entranced, falling more deeply with each note. After a handful of John Denver, Celine Dione, and others' music, Herb played Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up." 
   All the while, I envisioned Herb and I walking across stormy seas hand in hand. Kinda like a "come to Jesus" moment - only with this little Jewish lady and my Herb.
   The song ended, though, and my date set down his guitar. "I'm done." He dabbed his eyes with the backs of his hands.  "I feel too sad now. That song was for my ex-girlfriend. She died of a drug overdose."
   Well we didn't see that one coming, did we?
   "This" --he pointed at his guitar-- "this is my priority. And I don't want a bad reputation."
   Because anyone who dates me develops a bad reputation? No dude, I raise them up, until it's over, at which point they plummet as low as they could be.

   Needless to say, I put my jacket on and grabbed my purse. Only twenty minutes after Herb began to serenade me, err, his dead ex-girlfriend, the date was over.
   Herb gestured towards his front door.
   "You have a GPS to get home, right?"
   "Yeah, I have a GPS."  But your dead ex-girlfriend could raise me home faster, I assume.

    At my car door, Herb on the opposite side of my car, I said "Thank you."  I didn't know what else to say.
   Of course, now I have all sorts of words for him.


   
  

New Year's Greetings and More Reasons for Celibacy

Dear Sillies,
   I hesitate to say "Happy New Year!" Happiness is such an abstract, far reaching concept. You know? I propose instead that we have a meaningful year, one filled with enough laughter and love to carry us through whatever we're slammed by.

   Now, a return to some oddities. Taken directly from on-line dating ads, here are reasons #34-39 for this single lady to stay celibate. Naturally, I added my snark.{Should you be interested in further punishment, you can find 250 reasons for celibacy in this little book. Plus other silly weirdness like fake interviews with the stars, and my series of poetic erotica.}

    Please laugh and/or be perplexed and/or be glad for your relationship status - whatever it is. 

Keep a smile, and be good to yourselves.

I love ya.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #34: I am very laid back. I speek my mind. I like to go to the movies rock concerts. Like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too?

REASON #35: The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens.Are you trying to say that you're a butthead? If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #36: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #37: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. This isn’t even craigslist. Try Zeppelin’s daughter. Her name is Scarlet, so she’s probably into threesomes.

REASON #38: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this. Sense of humor - (I laugh at all of my jokes}! (Great way to take one for the team, buddy). I don't expect you to be barbie or perfect, but I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time! I have a profoundly spiritual nature. Sweep me off my feet, Grow with me and be the yang to my yin and help me balance out the incredible male energy, passion and charisma I posses! I am worth your time! namaste. Kindly do not kum-ba-ya all kissy kissy in my garden. Namaste.

REASON #39: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Let me get this straight, you want to make a a friend who’ll commit to you for the rest of “are life's”? That’s kind of an oxymoron, and so are you.

Reasons #24-28 for Celibacy, Winner Has Job AND Teeth!

Dear Sillies, 
   Let's get back to some dating ad nonsense, shall we? Please enjoy this slew of reasons for my celibate existence these and most days. 
  Be well. Keep a smile, hope, and a stash of chocolate. 
  I love ya. ~~~(@

REASON #24: I have been single since me and my ex wife got divorced. Um, dude, why did you divorce your ex wife? In CA, you need not repeat the dreaded process. Sorry I didn’t tell you that years ago.

REASON #25: 3ft7 384lbs all hairy with warts covering the hump on my back, cross-eyed, drooling, no teef, pimpled faced, peg legged and club footed, hung like a hamster, living in a van down by the river. I'm dead sexxay. Okay okay, not really, but I figured this would at least get a chuckle or two, and if not, then you might not get my cents, since, sense yeah, that's it, sense of humor. Just ask me anything you want to know, I am an open book when it comes to myself, no need to hide anything. I beg to differ.
REASON #26: I'm a single dad with a 7 year old daughter. Absolute angle and the love of my life. Poor girl. Is she obtuse, acute, or perpendicular?
REASON #27: Have job and teeth. Winner! {Note: See competition.} Have number? Free tonight?
 
REASON #28: Hay: I am all that I am because I am not afraid to try (now that’s deep) . (Deep is a relative term. You’re relatively challenged. Aren’t you, babe?) ok now that the bs is a flying lets get real.I believe that the cup is three quarters full. Full of what, sweetie?

Desperately Seeking

My Dear Sillies,
   Rest assured, you need not invest any effort into finding your soulmate. They will find you!
   This fine gentleman, Welton Carthen, found...not me (I never have such luck), but my and our dear friend, Alex J. Cavanaugh. Yeah, he follows Alex. We can't fault his taste. He wants the best.
   Thanks for sharing him with me, Alex. Not that way. Sheesh, people. Alex and Mrs. Ninja are doing just fine. As for Welton and I, well, things were getting serious until I was distracted by a young Russian beauty.

@welton_carthen I am a single man and not married I am looking for a good woman to spend the rest of my life with ,let talk So has to get to know more about each other

Desperate Russian Girls Looking for Dates To: You

You're looking for me, sweetie? Because I was kinda getting serious with Welton. I see that you wrote to ME, though. YES!! And you're only 29, honey. And you live only 12 km from "the city." Really, Marina? You're 12 km from Chico? That's amazing! Wait, you're 176cm in height? Oooh, I'm afraid I, uh, I'm intimidated. But surely, someone like you is desperate. The struggle is real, isn't it? May this free advertising help! Don't worry. It'll happen some day, babe. That's what they keep telling me. Not everyone is focused on looks. Some people like thick, black eyebrows too. *blowing her a kiss.*

Reasons for Celibacy, #18-23

My Dears,
   Sorry I've been gone for a bit. Lots going on - mostly good, the rest manageable. The good stuff, I'll report to you when time is right and fairly soon.
   How are you doing?
   Laughter is always needed. I hope to provide. That said, I now present reasons 18-23 for a celibate existence. These are, as usual, lifted directly from on-line ads and embellished by my snark.
   Keep a smile and some good chocolate handy.
   Love ya.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON 18: I like to go to the movies rock concerts. You mean, like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too? I like the little things in lif  Is lif the medication you’re taking?  I suggest an increased dosage. It might help you focus enough to find spellcheck.

REASON #19: I like big butts. I cannot lie. The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens. If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #20: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #21: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. Let's talk about it. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. You mention Zeppelin and “real literature” in the same sentence! What kind of gal do you think I am?

REASON #22: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this… I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time!

REASON #23: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Sounds like (you’re) an oxymoron. 

For fun, I entered a Peep Diorama contest. I didn't win, but I'm quite certain Gumby had a great time. (Hint: See lower left side of photo.)

                                                                Flo's Peep Show

Spring Kugel, Reasons for Celibacy, Matzah Crack

Dear Sillies,
   Alas, spring hath sprung. With its entrance, may your spirits be lifted. I always appreciate - as much as rain is needed in California - the feeling of the sun warming my face.
   And we've a few holidays around the bend. My people celebrate Passover soon. We Jews love a good kugel too; during Passover, that would take the form of a matzah kugel. By matzah, I'm referring to a very bland big cracker. By kugel, I'm referring to a mix of tasty things - like quiche, only enjoyable.
   That said, on with my kugel post...

   Naturally, my favorite way to flavor matzah is to drown it in chocolate. We playfully call chocolate matzah "matzah crack" --it's that addicting.
   This store bought Israeli Chocolate Covered Matzah, though, missed the mark. The chocolate was chipping off in large pieces, and there's not enough chocolate to drown out the non-taste of the tasteless matzah. Thus, I was disappointed. I'd have to give this a 4 on a 1-10 scale. The intent was sweet, and it's kosher, but don't be tempted to buy this product.
   I do very strongly advise that you find and devour some home-or-bakery made matzah crack. You will LOVE it. I promise. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Otherwise, Dude Three and Skanky are still neighbors. I'm working, friends, on being tall - as you suggested. I've gotta tell you, though, it's not easy. Nor is it natural for me. In fact, it's simply not possible. Have you seen me? I'm only 4'8". But I love you, and I understand the sentiment, so I shall keep working on growth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally, three more reasons for a straight, single gal like me to remain celibate. What's in bold was lifted directly from personal ads. What's italicized was added by me. Enjoy.

REASON #18: Looking for down to earth girl next door. 
Dude, did you think to knock? If that doesn’t work, try the doorbell.

REASON #19: Goals dont have any  
Somehow, I’m not motivated to pursue you.

This one, Mr. Cemeteries, is my all-time favorite.
REASON #20:  need to drop about 20lb Don't drop it on your foot, babe. That could hurt. like to meet some one to see the sights with have a good dinner with, to go any further than that it all depends on the cemeteries we have, Really? ‘Cuz mutual cemeteries can kill a relationship. I think if the cemeteries is good the rest can fail. I take it you're both a planner and a plotter, is that right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Take care of yourselves.
   Keep a smile and a stash of the sweet stuff.

Reasons for Celibacy #12-17

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you kindly.
And now, let's return to this series.
I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White shared a moment. Note: I look happy. Betty looks suspect. Enough banter, onto more serious matters - reasons #12-17 for a smart, straight gal to choose celibacy. Taken directly from internet dating ads, and enhanced (err, diminished) by my italicized snark, please enjoy:

REASON #12: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too? 

REASON #13: my job: union: Oakland Steel Erection
In spite of your arrogance, give me a call. Wink. 

REASON #14: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!

REASON #15: NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE. IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow: How do you coast ta cost? Do ya do it over or under ta road? How much does it cost? Does it cost less if you coast the whole way over? 

REASON #16: Looking for some real people no fake *ss
Well, look no further, dude. See photo and/or ask Betty. That *ss ain't fake.
 
REASON #17: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS; THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. Gimme a moment while I check with Human Resources. NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated.

Acting as Annie Bidwell: Dude Three and How Can I Miss You If You Won't Ever Leave?

Dear Sillies,

  May this find you well and taking good care of yourselves.   

  Through no fault of my own, except that I chose another loser, Dude Three’s presence in my life poses an ongoing challenge. I know, right? I ended that relationship four months ago!

   Please stick with me, as we embark upon a seemingly unrelated, related story about my hometown.

   Chico, CA was founded by heroic trailblazer and statesman John Bidwell. John courted and married Annie Kennedy (not related to the famed Kennedy family) - Civil War era. This remarkable duo graced and saved countless lives –including those of Native Indians, on whose land we reside—brought trees from across the world onto our formerly desolate region, and much more.

     Annie and I were similar in a few ways: We were both the second of four children, both June babies passionate about social justice, and we abstain(ed) from drinking. Most strikingly, Annie was exactly my height – 4’8”. (John was at least 6’ tall. I have yet to meet anyone my exact height.)

     Annie Kennedy Bidwell (6/30/1839-3/9/1918)

  

   Let’s start to connect the dots: Approximately 6 weeks after the breakup, a neighbor, we’ll call her . . . let's see, "Skanky," messaged me. “We need someone short to play Annie Bidwell in the Christmas show. Are you up for it?”

   This involved welcoming guests into Bidwell Mansion (where the couple resided) and performing a skit with Skanky.  Skanky and I were friends, and she'd been in the skit for several years. Their usual Annie was out of the country.

   In short (pun intended), I couldn't turn it down. 

   Here’s me as Annie Bidwell.

ee

It was a big, little honor and loads of fun. 

Little (no pun intended this time) did I know what was going on behind the scenes…to be continued.