And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series: A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. Rumors have been swirling since the letter C, so I'm coming clean...or shall I say dirty? Martha's face begins convulsing. She's either having a seizure or attempting a smile. Macy's and I proudly present Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series. Watch and learn as I engage in scandalous sex: alone on my sturdy chestnut brown dining room table; with a well endowed blow-up doll as we roll playfully through the apple orchards behind my New Haven Guest House; and alas, in sexy maid attire as I respond to Arnold Schwarzennegger's every request. This series teaches advanced sexual techniques and builds up to erotic, orgasmic sex play. It's simply spectacular. Martha's face begins convulsing again.

36 comments:

  1. Her convulsing face makes it all worthwhile. Loved the sexy maid jab at Ahnold too!

    Julie

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  2. I'd watch that. Not particularly fond of Ahhhnold doing the directing, but I'd still watch. Is this real? Can you make it real? Can you at least make it sort of real using puppets?

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    1. Can you provide a few egg-beaters, whipped cream, ham and cheese quiche, and a six pack of vaseline, Pickleope Von Pickleope?

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  3. I suppose if you were trying to get your livestock to mate, you could show them that tape.

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    1. Alex, I'm giving you raucous applause, and we still have seven letters to go.

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  4. Haha! You are hilarious! Love it!

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  5. I have this tape you speak of, it's like you imagined... yes, yes... all those desires in one place... just a push of a button, fast forward, rewind, fast forward... rewind... wait, that was her shucking corn... ;)

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  6. She wants us to PAY to watch the sex she's not having?

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  7. hmmm.... there's something a little disturbing about combining Martha Stewart and sex in the same sentence. I think I prefer not to go there.... but I'm sure her sex tapes would draw a lot of attention nonetheless!!

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  8. This has already been done: Sex, Lies, and Videotape.

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  9. OMG...is your entire A to Z on Martha Stewart sex stuff? Fantastic! Following...I need more funny in my life :)
    Katie @TheCyborgMom

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  10. It's equally horrifying and hilarious to think about.

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  11. I notice there was no price for the series which is just as well as I wouldn't be interested.

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  12. spare my eyes - that is a horrifying spectacle.

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  13. I think if Martha smiled, her face would fall off.
    But that wouldn't necessarily be a BAD thing.

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  14. Oh god no I don't need to see that......no one does! lol

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  15. I don't think I'm ready for the words "Martha Stewart" and "Sex Tapes" in the same sentence. The stuff nightmares are made off.

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  16. You know that Martha has had sex with a live person at least once. She has a daughter.

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    1. She may've gotten a deposit from the sperm bank, Ruth.

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  17. Such a thing quickly needs to be terminated before my eyes bleed.

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  18. Well, there goes my appetite. Says, Good Martha :)

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  19. I feel a little sick. It will pass, but it's kind of like the feeling I had when X wanted a roll in the hay.

    Love,
    Janie

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  20. The thought of Martha and Arnold together---shiver!

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  21. Idk, Robyn. Blow up doll and apple orchard - sounds appealing.

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  22. I want to learn those techniques for rolling through the apple orchard! Perhaps I could make some homemade artisan applesauce at the same time for my potato latkes (hand grated potatoes, of course). Alana

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    1. You're my kind of gal pal. We could ditch our respective blow up doll men and make potato latkes with applesauce in the apple fields, while Martha's doing her thing. She wouldn't notice.

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  23. Oy! I I think it's time to boycott Macy's. I don;t want to come across that dvd at all!

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  24. She probably stabs the bow-up doll while having sex. Except for Arnie, who looks just as ghastly, no one else would want to have sex with this Martha

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  25. Wow. Macy's is certainly trying to modernize itself... No thank you!!

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  26. All I can see is Martha and Arnold's convulsing faces. I'll need a bar of Martha's hand made soap to clean that image out of my mind ;)

    You can find me here:
    ClarabelleRant

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    1. It's a doubling disturbing image, Clara. Sorry.

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  27. I didn't think Ahnold like women with any meat on their bones...

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