Sunday, February 21, 2016

Sloths and Misadventures in On-line Dating

It was a wonderful break. I hadn't done on-line dating for several years. After five years in Chico, though, I believe I've met and either dated or ruled-out every eligible bachelor in town. All two of them. So I caved, despite fierce attempts to talk myself out of it. Loneliness wreaks havoc. While I've come to believe that loneliness is simply an aspect of being human, and while I KNOW I'm better off alone than in a toxic relationship (and every romantic relationship I've been in has had its share of toxicity), I need the writing material. Or so I told myself. Thus for your sake, I set up a profile last week on a popular dating site. Oy gevalt! What have I done?  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In attempt to weed out those whose conversational skills would abruptly cure the most stubborn cases of insomnia, I included this statement: "I laugh and smile readily, unless I'm utterly bored because, for example, the date I'm sitting with at a coffee shop describes in excruciating detail a day in the life of a South American sloth in mid-winter. Not that there's anything wrong with being a South American sloth in mid-winter; I'm simply not interested in hearing  about it."    

 Image result for funny sloths

I thought Einstein had died long ago. It seems I was wrong. He's alive and well and responding to dating ads. In fact, he sent me this:
"I am reaching out to you because my sloth breeding business is going really well. I need help with the sloths!! Have you ever milked a sloth it can be dangerous."
After a moment in WTF?-land, I eagerly offered advice: "From my experience, the hardest part about milking a sloth is getting high enough on the tree to grasp their utters.* After that, it flows smoothly. I'm glad your business is booming, though the world doesn't need more sloths."

*After I sent it, I realized I misspelled "udders." Clearly, I'd been focused on the dude's utter weirdness. Plus, I routinely find many typos after-the-fact. Regardless, I'm quite certain the misspell did not add to Einstein's confused state. In fact, he didn't respond. Drats, the fun had just begun.
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Have a great week, and take care of yourselves, dear sillies.
Beware of lactating sloths in South America in mid-winter.
Keep a smile.

67 comments:

  1. Another udderly wonderful post. Or do I mean utterly? Whichever.

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  2. As a relative of Einstein, he might have thought "utters" was your German accent. I think he was offended about you saying the world doesn't need more sloths, though.

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  3. I feel udderly loved; the way you sacrifice yourself!

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    1. Good because I udderly love you and my peeps.

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  4. Einstein has an udderly wicked sense of humor. I hope he responds because you can have a field day with him.

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    1. I was really hoping he would, but he hasn't. Maybe I'll email him to check in on the breeding process.

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  5. I can see it now.... Einstein has his own blog and is mining online dating sites for material

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    1. In this case, I'd put more money on the sloth setting up his own blog and mining the sites.

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  6. That's utterly ridiculous. Everyone knows sloth's only produce clotted cream.

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    1. Yeah, what an idiot. And clotted cream is so hard on the fingers. Right, Mitchell? I'm trying to perfect the process with latex and all. It's tough...

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  7. hahahaha Only you Robyn! Let us know if he writes back!

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  8. What I want to know is why would you want to milk a sloth in the first place...?

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    1. Oh Alex, your guess would be as scary as mine. Oy!

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  9. All at once I feel bad for you being subjected to the rigors of online dating, but also very excited to get more posts about the swirly miasma of oddities that are men who don't understand social queues. This is just another wonderful example. What could possibly be dangerous about milking a sloth? And why?Wait, are they talking about milking the male for artificial insemination?

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    1. "swirly miasma of oddities that are men who don't understand social queues." <-You have such an amusingly accurate way with words, PVP. I didn't think about it from the angle of artificial insemination. But no, they can't pronounce that one, so they're surely not considering it.

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  10. First of all, I think you would be hard pressed to find a guy that has the wit and humor to appreciate you. I was momentarily hopeful, that the guy's response was a humorous reply to start some dialogue with you, but his lack of response might be an indicator that he's less than witty and more than weird.

    I thought your answer was very clever and I doubt that most people would catch the misspelling. 50 percent of people don't spell well and the other 50 percent know nothing about udders. (I am hopeful that I haven't misspelled multiple words in this comment.)

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    1. No worries around here about misspells or typos, Cheryl, but if you talk lactating sloths, that's when I grow concerned.

      You're very sweet, and I agree. It takes a special man to appreciate my wit. I haven't found him yet - but I'll keep looking, for my readers' sake.

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  11. Maybe sloth milking makes things more fun? You and Einstein could have the next big thing, if the sloths agree and he comments back.

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    1. I suppose we COULD toss latex (gloves) into the mix and see what happens, Pat. Safety first.

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  12. I have a hard time imagining on-line dating, as there have to be many crazies out there, like the one you found. The poor guy probably really thinks sloths are interesting.

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    1. And he's probably trying hard to get some milk out of them too.

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  13. Just think - you were one letter away from saying "otters" instead. Now that would've been a noticeable mistake.

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  14. He's in a sloth breeding business?
    He breeds with...sloths????
    O_o

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    1. Somehow that's worse than the sheep thing, isn't it? EWWWWWWW!!

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    2. Sheep?
      Oh, they're not baaaaaaaadddddddddddddddddd.

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  15. oh robyn, your sacrifice for the good of the blog is quite noble. OMG and WTF indeed. We've got your back

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    1. Oh good, cuz I'm getting higher up in this tree and these udders are slippery. Thanks, Joanne.

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  16. A sloth breeder. Wow. Just wow. You should have asked him how sloth breeding was going.

    "Slow... really, really, slow."

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    1. Apparently, business is booming. It seems sloths are capable of procreating quickly. Who'd have thunk it?

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  17. Yeah that sloth milking thing.... I would not mind hearing someone saying they work with sloths but I have my limits.

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    1. Yeah, getting handsy and intimate with sloths is a bit personal and more than slightly wrong. Thanks for chiming in on the issue, Sheena-kay.

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  18. I have never cared for sloth milk, although it does produce a passable budder.

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    1. I prefer almond milk with my budder, but different strokes. Right, Geo? =)

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  19. I am about to start a sloth milk only diet. I figure I'll lose a lot of weight because it takes forever to get a full glass of milk from a sloth!!

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    1. Oh, I know. It's really tough to grab those utters at just the right angle, fishducky. I sure hope you have more luck than I've had.

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  20. Your willingness to venture back into the online dating world for the sake of us, your readers, is quite admirable. Thanks for your bravery and for sharing the wackiness with us.

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    1. You're welcome, Connie. My peeps are worth it. =)

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  21. I have a feeling he will respond, but at a sloth's pace, which could take a while.

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    1. He'll have to climb down from the tree first too.

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  22. Have you ever TASTED sloth milk? Wellll then, don't knock it. It slows the metabolism down so much that you will try to grab your own arms trying not to fall out of bed. You will not be fast enough, however.

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    1. Too funny. Best comment on this post. Wait, you're serious, aren't you, Jono?

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    2. It's part of my mysterious nature.

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    3. I think it's okay if you put Ovaltine in it.

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  23. Isn't it odd the one of the seven deadly sins is named after the sloth?

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    1. Wait, Ruth, I just gave Jono the best comment award. I think we need to have him step down. This is great too.

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    2. But, as sins go, it's one of my favorite ones.
      Kinda fond of that lust one, too.

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  24. Is sloth milk good with sloe gin?

    (BTW, stop by the Monday post, you got a prominent feature in the story and in the reply to ABFTS...)

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    1. With sloe gin, fast whiskey, and a dry martini on the rocks.

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  25. That's funny. Climbing the trees. You crack me up.

    I'm also thinking that at my age, I shouldn't be shocked that someone sent you an email to defend sloths. Yet, I am.

    I'm glad you're back to dating. It's vicarious fun.

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    1. I'm glad to make you laugh, Elizabeth. You do the same for me. But this sloth business isn't a picnic. Would you kindly call the fire dept? I'm stuck in this tree and didn't even get a drop of milk.

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  26. Now that is an awesome response! But I am glad it didn't work out...the sloths would always be his first priority, I think, and you deserve more than that.

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    1. You're right, BabySis. My ego would take well to being lower on his list than the sloth.

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  27. Geesh, where do they come up with this stuff? I mean these guys really think they're going to get a woman with these ads? Yes, unfortunately, they do. I hope you get lucky on this adventure. I met Ray on POF and the rest is....!!

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    1. Yay! A good POF story - so nice to know. You're a great couple. =)

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  28. Blessings....
    I could tell you a few that will curl your toes.
    takes all kind i suppose.

    have a blessed day

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  29. LOL! I love it when online interactions get quirky. There's so much power to have fun with the written word.

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  30. Very funny intro Robyn. What a weird and wonderful world it is 'out there.' Though its not so wonderful when its weird, and its weird plenty, it seems!
    egads!@!!

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  31. Well, he works with sloths so maybe he's just as slow to respond to your email? It's possible right? He could be crawling his way over to his keyboard at this very moment. Oh, the suspense!!

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  32. Aren't there laws against man-sloth love?
    That was great Robyn.

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