My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, April 12, 2021

Fun With My Dream Boy

Dear Sillies,
I was pretty upset over Clark, so I did something I hadn't done in years. I dove back into the risky, sketchy, weird world of on-line dating. Yikes. Boy are there winners in that swamp. Take "James," for example. He seems and looks so perfectly dreamy. Only thing is, James input the wrong age by seven years. This made me suspect. Thus I had some fun with him (or a robot).

James: Your profile got my attention 😊 , I am 55 yrs old mistake on my age 😊 

(Note: Age says 62.) Work as a Senior Project Architect and a project coordinator who supports project managers on major projects. You do more projecting than a frat boy during pledge week, sweetie.Robyn: How is it that there was a mistake on your age, James? You can simply go into your profile, click on the pencil/edit icon, and change it. James: so what you do work ?

Robyn: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure out how to change your age on your profile, even though I gave you the simple instructions to do that? For work, I'm a special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigations. 

James: Awww thanks . Have a mixed background and an interesting heritage ( Swedish and Italian). I enjoy the small things in life. Would be lovely to take this wonderful conversations ahead , please leave me with contact lets connect on the phone lol  

Robyn: Awww yes. I cannot wait to get ahead with you and check out your blue prints lol I don't like small things. I'm sure yours, being part Italian, is like a fat and long sausage. Call me at (415) 926-5818.

James: Awww thanks, would text you tomorrow

*That number is a San Francisco area number for ordering Viagra discreetly. You can thank me discreetly too. Wink.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Weirdest Breakup Ever, Clark part II

 My Dear Sillies,
   I don't usually cut to the chase. Instead, I cut out the chase. So I'll just tell you that Clark gave me one "installment," (I suspect it was 5.5 or 5.25 inches. I didn't take out my tape measure.)
   Quality-wise, the night was dreamy. He'd brought over dinner and drinks, we talked about past relationships and what we're looking for. A positive, thick tension thickened.  
   "What do you want to do now?" he asked.
   "I want to kiss you." 
   Things heated blissfully smoothly, and we slept well too. It was a wonderfully pleasant and pleasurable night. Clark checked in the following afternoon. 
   He made a salmon dinner for me the following weekend.
   Clark asked me questions, didn't interrupt my responses to tell me tediously boring factoids about himself, and I really, really liked him.

   As soon as he bit into the salmon, Clark felt sick. A few minutes later, I was politely, apologetically asked to leave.      

   What a disappointment.

   "How about if I bring you some homemade matzo ball soup?" I offered the next day. Good move, right? I'd win him over for sure. 

   My soup turned out great. Clark appreciated it so much that he bargained for potato latkes next. I agreed, with a playful (but serious) disclaimer, "That's going to be it for my Jewish dishes, though."

   The night arrived.
   "Mm, mm, these are great! Thanks for making them."
   "Well, truthfully, I used a mix. It's too easy," I grinned. "And I had to taste-test plenty of latkes for you."
   We moved to the couch after dinner. 
   He took my hand. "I planned for you to stay the night," Clark said stoically, "but you like me more than I like you." Okay? "I hate hurting people, so I want to keep dating without the sex."
   Say what? "What would that look like? We already crossed the line."
   "Yes, and it was wonderful. But I potentially want to see other people." You're hurting me so as to not hurt me by refusing to have sex again with me because the sex was wonderful and you assume that I have more feelings for you than you do for me? 
   "I think you're projecting stuff onto me," I shrugged. "Okay, then."
   I got up to retrieve my purse and the left-over latkes.
   "Why are you--? Okay, okay, yeah, you're NOT staying the night after that. I regret ever having sex with you in the first place." 
   Clark walked to his kitchen, retrieved a roll of aluminum foil from a drawer, and tore off a large piece. He very meticulously wrapped the left-over latkes in foil, then handed them to me.
   Damn straight, you don't get these!
   Numb, I took my other belongings and walked to the door. What do I say now? I turned to him. 
   "Well, have a good night," is all I could think to say, because I'm too nice like that. 
   He looked at me sadly, patronizingly. 
   I'm still hurt and perplexed over this non-super man. He probably should've just "ghosted" me, but I guess he really, really wanted potato latkes.   


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Celibacy Breakage, Superman Look-alike

Dear Sillies,
The next man to have broken my celibacy streak looks like this: 

   Cute, right? A Clark Kent lookalike perhaps. My Superman? A super man, a great guy, a decent dweeb, or another numbskull? Let's find out...

   I was in my zone, riding the on-stage high that my comedic routines unexpectedly and occasionally deliver. My lines about, well, length and inches and stuff --um, "mathematical" measurements with a mostly male audience)-- reaped uproarious laughter. To my left, an adorable man and his lovely brunette friend, cheered giddily. 
   I commented on her good fortune, assuming they were a couple. Her expression told me "No, we're just friends. You just gave me an idea."
   After the show, as I chatted with other comics by the bar, this sweet lady introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Marla." We shook hands. "You were hilarious! Can I introduce you to my friend?" she asked.
   "That's nice of you. Sure."
   Marla walked me to Clark, who sat at a nearby table. 
   "Oh, I thought you were together."
   "No. We both teach at MLK Middle School." Cool, right?
   After the introductions, Clark sat with chest pressed out: "I can give you nine inches."  His smile, endearingly intoxicated. "But it'll be in three installments." 
   "Hey, a gal's not picky," I chuckled. "I mean, this gal isn't." 
   So naturally or not, I ended up driving Clark home. I mean, I couldn't let Clark drive drunk. Right? This proceeded more chatter, and Marla's assurance that he's not a creep. I could trust a lovely woman who's a teacher with a drunken male friend teacher, right? 
   Turned out, hours later, yeah, I could trust him. Myself? Not so much. It was very fun and naughty but not to-the-full-extreme-of-naughty. Clark repeatedly requested that I spend the night. 
   "My bed is really big, so our bodies won't touch at all," he bargained.
   The night ended with Clark's telling me it was up to me to contact him "since you're rejecting me," but I got the most flirtatious, drunkenly cute smile from him and meager wave "goodbye" (after a kiss and embrace too). 
   I called the next day.     ...to be continued. I know, I'm such a tease.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Spring Time Erotica, Holy Trinity

Dear Sillies,

Spring hath sprung. Urges are surging, as Easter and Passover come close. Thus, a few friends and I are here to deliver Springtimerotica.

Please enjoy.

 Love you!

 

Monday, March 15, 2021

Saint Patrick's Day Erotica

 Dear Sillies,

You got this, my friends. You've come this far. We're here for each other, and Saint Patty's is upon us. Now go expose that shamrock and reap good luck of the most thrilling kind. Wink.


Monday, March 8, 2021

Girthiness, Celibacy Breakage

Dear Sillies,

Alright, alright, I won't be such a tease. Well, I will, but I'll try to not keep you hanging for too long...It's not nice. Guys don't like that. You don't either, and that's why I love ya. 

Part 2.
"No need to apologize, I had fun," I told Huey. 
"Cool well if your ever up for hanging out I'm down."

   Despite his grammatical challenges, and a significant size differential between us, I liked Huey's genuinely sweet demeanor. So we hung out. Err, he hung out and got me up and down and sideways and backwards and all around. He's strong and flexible that way. 

  I gotta say, though, I had severe performance anxiety every time. Huey is a man of girth - you know what I mean? (Psst: It's not Jewish.) I was astounded by the sight. We worked it out, though, and I survived unscathed.

   Huey and I took walks and went to shows and stuff too, but you don't care about that. (That's another reason I love you. You cheer when I get some).

   A few months into our courtship, I was certain that Huey's funny. I appreciated his sweetness. He's sincere and warmloving too. And Huey's honest. So honest that he told me he doesn't want to hurt me. Thus, to preempt this, Huey told me that we should have an open relationship.

   "I don't feel like you're the one, and I'm not breaking up with you, but if you're open to dating other people...?"

   I thought about it. No, I didn't really think about it. "No. That won't work for me, Huey." Damn tears. 

   Huey and I are still friendly and cordial. I was hurt and sad, of course. But there was no malice. That's relieving.  

   And honestly, between you and me, my Sillies, it's a relief to not feel the pressures of having so much to take in. You know?

   

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

A Break from Celibacy, Molly and Huey

 Dear Sillies,
   I confess, I've been holding out. Well, not true. Err, I'm not spreading it. Info, that is. I haven't kept you satisfied, not at all. I'm so sorry. 
   Truth is I've been on a nice long break from celibacy. Not because of a man, though. Because of several men. Not at once. Promise, but that's a nice thought. How caring of you!   
   I didn't want to write about any of it. It's hard. Well, not that hard, hard enough. You know? Oy. Lemme just tell you about Huey. 
   The damn "shelter in place" had been going on for about half a year. Loneliness spiked. So I went to a comedy show, where I, well, performed, and was invited to a party afterward.
   The man who invited me is a hysterical comic who's very suave and hot. 
   "I don't do drugs or drink at all," I told Hottie.
   Hottie replied "It doesn't matter, Robyn" and gave me the details.
   There I sat in the midst of a hallucinating drug trip, sober. The crowd was kind and respectful of my--ahem--puritan ways. 
   A man to my right, someone from that circuit who'd intrigued me, struck up discourse about how comedy's a remedy for depression. 
   He enticed me with his sincerity and warm smile. His belly's huge, and I picked up on a sweet innocence about him (despite the fact that he and everyone but me was drugged out). We'll call him Huey.
   "Hey, what's your situation, pretty lady?" 
   I told Huey it was my first fun night since pre-COVID and I'm  single. He stroked my arm as we talked. It felt nice. Human touch -- sigh. It'd been too long. I reciprocated.
   Huey moved in for a kiss, and then more kissing. That felt nicer.
   Partiers came in and out of the room: "You guys are cute!" "You can go outside for privacy" "Good stuff, huh? I see it's working!" A bit awkward, but I'm a fan of that molly thing. (Never did any drugs or smoking whatsoever. I swear, but I did drink a lot of girlie drinks back in the day, and I do swear like a drunken sailor lost at sea.)
   Huey messaged me the next morn: "so sorry for last night hope I didn't make you feel bad." 
                                      to be continued...

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Hot Chocolate, Jalapeno Hot!

 Dear Sillies,   

   You know that hangry feeling? Yeah, I was feeling it and grabbed a hangry bar - milk chocolate with Jalapeno and pretzels. 

   It tasted great and chocolatey sweet, until...

it didn't. Whoowee, they didn't spare on the jalapeno. Keep a jug of water close, if you try one. I forgot about the pretzels, not a strong salty flavor. Overall, this babe's properly named and is a good fix for the hangries. I give it a 9. But I hope you don't NEED one.
Be well and not hangry.
Love,
Robyn

Monday, February 15, 2021

VALENTINE'S DAY HATEFEST WINNER!! She's a Spunky One!

Dear Sillies,

   Excuse the delay, but we interrogated King Putinontheritz regarding one suspicious ballot.*   He said only "Nyet?" We didn't know what to do next, so we sent it to Florida. They shouted, "We took him back. What more do you want?" and tossed the ballot in his hole. I mean, in Mar a lago's 13th hole. It mattered not. Not every vote counts. (What do you think this is, Canada?)

   It was close, my friends. Votes were all over the place. 

*Here's the ballot in question:

Janie Junebug I know this says Janie Junebug, but I'm not Janie Junebug. No, definitely not Janie, but I vote for her.

Love,
Janie

oops

With or without voter fraud, we have one clear winner. Her entry is poignant. It's succinct, and it's beautifully hateful. CONGRATULATIONS, L. Diane, Spunk on a Stick

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.



Diane will receive a package catered to her individual needs and preferences. I believe you don't eat chocolate-gasp!, Diane, so we'll work around that. Please have your people contact mine at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. Thank you. 

Thank you all for entering and voting! 

CONGRATULATIONS to a most worthy winner!

Thursday, February 11, 2021

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Valentine's Day Hate Fest Contest!

Dear Silly Hearts,
Please vote on the one Valentine's Day Hatefest entry you like most.
Winner will receive a very sweet package. 
Enjoy raging sweetness this weekend. 
I love hating on VDay with you, and I love you.
Thank you, especially to those who entered!
 

Birgit 

Penis Van Lesbian (aka Dick Van Dyke)meets a young girl and marries her.

The broad likes very wrinkly things hanging low. Idiot


Alex J. Cavanaugh

Just give me sex...
Wait, did I say that out loud?

 

Yvonne

Wine and me
no room for thee

 

Elephant's Child

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I would rather be alone in my bed,
than share it with you.

 

Joanne

2020 Valentine's seemed like bliss
2021 lockdown - wear our best sweats, kiss

stop looking, breathing, chewing, being, I hiss
go zoom on the moon, your face I won't miss

 

Janie Junebug

See Dick and Jane. See Dick try to give Jane his dick on Valentine's Day. See Jane remove Dick's dick. See Dick cry. Boofuckinghoo, Dick.

Love,
Janie

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.

 

Geo.

Kid, you've thrown me deep into last century --Dylan, Baez: "Love is just a four-letter word", but it's more powerful than all other words combined. Be my Valentine. (29 words)

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Valentine's Erotica

 Dear Sillies,

It's February, and we know what that means. Perhaps NOBODY loves to hate Valentine's Day as much as you and I. So start to get those brain-cells churning towards funny, hateful V-Day messages for Life by Chocolate's annual Anti-VDay Hatefest. Specifics will be announced in next post. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, may this teaser get you in the mood.

Love and chocolate kisses.  

Monday, January 25, 2021

Bernie's Gone Viral, Trudeau Evicts Him Via Twitter

Dear Sillies,

   We've entered a lighter, more promising chapter, while challenges and sadness most certainly pervade. Yet, Bernie, my Bernie, our Bernie, is everywhere! How good does it get? 

I'd have applied for the Bachelor, if only I'd known! (I thought I was too old for the show, though.) Do you think Bernie gives everyone a rose, to be equitable and considerate? Such a gentleman, that Bernie.

 

This one's for you, Alex.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau tweeted this photo with a message to Bernie: "...It's not a good time to travel. Stay home, as in your own home." 

May Bernie's omnipresence continue to bring smiles.
Love you. 

Monday, January 18, 2021

Courage, In Honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Dears,

Let's have a courageous week in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King.

Love you. 


 

Extending the dance, 
When you’ve long lost your groove
Swimming to shore too frail to move.

Stepping towards light, when darkness abounds
Permitting a laugh amid no other sounds.

Confronting a beast no one should endure
It strikes with no warning, no reprieve and no cure.

 
Snuggling with hope, when the pain you can’t bear
Unveiling your heart in the face of despair.
 
Conveying a smile, when you’d much rather cry
Speaking the truth though it’s safer to lie.

Taking a stance, when integrity’s lost
Forcing what’s right in spite of the cost.
 
 
Holding to faith in your value and worth
Maintaining a grace that softens the earth.
 


Passing with ease
As you air your last breath

A hero whose soul
Transcends life
and death.
Photo by me, 9/17

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Dark Chocolate Cocoa Beans in Review

Dear Sillies,

Well, things started off with a bit too much bang, didn't they? My default being chocolate, it's time for another review. 

I tasted Trader Joe's Organic Dark Chocolate Covered Cocoa Beans. $3.99 and there's plenty in the bag to share with a friend. I know because I did. They're yummy and crunchy. While a bit bitter, the cocoa beans don't have a strong flavor. I'm a little disappointed. "A crunchy combination of flavors and textures" <--this meant to me that each bean would taste different from the others. I suppose the bigger ones pack less power than the smaller, but the flavors and textures are the same.

All told, I'd give these a 6.5.


Have some chocolate or other form of sweetness, because I said so.

Love you.

Friday, January 1, 2021