My Story, Yours Too.

Friday, October 15, 2021

The Double Dog Dare, Pre-Halloween Nostalgia

 My Dear Sillies,   
    We've become a wonderful fan base for each other. That's a very nice thing. 
   On the flipside, some beloved bloggies are painfully missed, like Jenny Matlock. Jenny used to do a Saturday Centus exercise. I occasionally participated. 
   This photo was the prompt. The challenge: using all five senses, write about this in 100 words max.
   Here's my story, The Double Dog Dare...


“I double-dog dare ya to go in,” Johnny challenged. He was cute so I acted brave.  


“Okay.” I swallowed my jelly bean whole. Salty black-licorice flavor stuck to my tongue.  Entering the creepy old shack, the smell of mud overtook me.  I was blinded by darkness.

“Welcome!” A boyish voice came up through the floors’ wooden panels.  I noticed a gaping hole at my feet and felt the sudden firm grip of fingers clasping my ankles from below.

“Let me go! Help! Help!”

A familiar giggle slowed my pulse.

“Johnny, you poo-poo head! That wasn’t funny!”
  

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Halloween Erotica, Screaming Candy Corns

Dear Sillies,

Warning: Halloween madness starts now.

Stay sweet and naughty!

 

Monday, September 27, 2021

Clint Eastwood and Chocolate, The Things We Do For Love

Dear Sillies,

At long last, summer's over. I hope the change in seasons brings you renewed vigor and hope, pretty leaves and sunsets, and yummy treats.

JT bought this for me. Its weirdness beckons a review. Hammond's Chicken and Waffle with syrup chocolate bar. I mean, what the heck? Let's pack everything for a full meal into a little chocolate bar. We both tried it and . . .

We both failed to detect the chicken, or the waffle, or the syrup. It was salty, a salty and crispy chocolate bar. It contains chicken soup mix and vanilla wafer cookies. Let me break it down for you: It's bad. Don't try it, my Sillies. I'd give it a 1 out of 10. 

Now let's talk Clint Eastwood. Remember him? The hot studly man who's made 40+ movies. He's 91 now. And because I - gosh, golly - love JT, I agreed to see Cry Macho with him. It's Eastwood's latest flick. Let me break that one down for you, my Sillies: It's really bad. 

But Eastwood's sincerity and compassion still shine. He's still got it, depending upon how far we stretch the definition of "it." I mean, those seductive scenes with hot women half his age - way too awkward. The acting and plot are far from believable. But I gotta give him credit for being 91 and still kicking (and punching and alluring women half his age).  So if you want to see this one, keep your expectations low. JT (dis)liked it equally. 


As you gathered, the guy and I are still going and going strong. He's a cutie, right? In fact, a bit Eastwood-esq, would you say? I'm still holding my breath. It'll be 4-months soon . . .

Pretty sure I nabbed a good one this time. Finally.

Take care.

I love you, Sillies.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Tot Readership and InSanity Teaser

Dear Sillies,
   I'm tickled that my writing's reached a new segment of our population: tots. I mean, I don't recommend it for children. However, I readily approve this precious toddler's perusal of Woman on the Verge. She's a friends' child. This wasn't staged. No, this doll grabbed the book from the front room bookshelves, and flipped through it within seconds. I believe her review sounded something like: "k,k, caa daa yip, *hiccup*, *sweet, confused blank stare*, and then 'This book's a hoot!'" WOOHOO! It's every author's dream!

  At last, my upcoming book, InSanity, landed in the editing stage. I've secured a dream team for this. Because I need more than one editor. Typos, ya no know. I'll let that keen eyed editor reveal herself if she chooses. InSanity's going to keep her quite busy. Below's from the first page. Ya know, cuz I like to tease. 
  Be well and safe.
  I love you.

Introduction: Is it Just Me?

 “My mind is a bad neighborhood that I try not to go into alone.”– Anne Lamott

 

  Musings swirl. Then twirl. And hurl. They contort into skilled, agile backflips across a sleek narrow balance beam twisting gracefully to land with breasts pumped outwards. An enthused series of tens from all but the Russian judge ignites suspicion. What a piss ass. He probably needs to get laid. Oy. Why do I go there?   

  Sh*t, is it just me or are everybody’s braincells mysteriously busy boogers, frenetically body-slamming against each other’s elastic membranes, then rebounding full-speed ahead like Martha Stewart at the mention of Chippendale’s most girthy, barely-of-age hottie?

  Am I crazy? Am I not crazy? If I’m crazy, am I crazy for thinking I’m not crazy? But if I’m not crazy, am I not crazy for thinking—my musings hurt. That’s it; I’m not crazy. No? No, no?

  Oh all right, yes. Yes, yes. Check box one, check box two. Cash? No, check. Check please.

  I hate waiting for the check. You know? They’re never quick to bring it. Bring the damn check! Twenty minutes later they act all smiley, flip it under your nose, and say “Take your time.” I already did, honey, waiting for you to bring the damn check! Oy.

   Warmed bed sheets brush briskly against my right calf... 

   


Monday, September 6, 2021

Labor Day, Rosh Hashanah 5782

 Dear Sillies,
   If you feel old, consider this: The Jewish people are beginning our 5,782nd year. I know. Oy vey.     
   Let's work towards a more peaceful, safe, and gentle year across the globe. Shana Tova! (Hebrew for "Happy New Year.")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Left to right: Dawn, Glenn, me, 1969. (Brother, Jonathan, was a mere embryo at the time. Photos not available.)

We wish you many moments of sweetness this year.   

Coincidentally, Rosh Hashanah falls on Labor Day this year. 

Please take time to reflect on the human warriors who sacrificed their lives for our labor rights (e.g., the ability to work under safe conditions, to be free from workplace discrimination, etc.) Many on our soil remain enslaved in various ways.  Thus, let's heed the call to continue to press for justice in our localities, and throughout the greater, great world.

   Happy New Year, Friends.  


Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Teach Erotica, School Daze

Dear Sillies,
   I feel for the college students who have to stare at computer screens and pay thousands of dollars for this (Chico State keeps RAISING tuition, whilst detracting from the college experience in too many ways) -- WHOOSH. Thank goodness we're not a parent, a student, or a teacher, right? Or are you? If so, have some chocolate. Then have some more. Repeat.
   But hey, school's back in session. This is good. This is fun. Naughty, even. Enjoy. 

PS Sorry about Martha (for her dad bod, that is. Someone's been going heavy on beer.) 

 



Tuesday, August 17, 2021

23andMe, Cougar Dating, The Sex Wait

 Dear Sillies,
   Remember when 23andMe was all the rage? My sister asked if I'd tried 23andMe, but I'd not yet heard of it. Thus my mind went to inappropriate terrain. Naturally. 
   I got excited and sweaty...Twenty-three AND ME? Yeah, I like the young guys. At last, a dating site for cougars. Sign me up!
   But for $199? Nah. I can work the scene on my own. Chico's a college town after-all. 
   Well, in a roundabout way, I scored a 23andMe package, and I didn't have to learn that I'm related to Vladimir Putin or anything troubling like that. It still boggles my mind that people get so excited about learning their ancestry and percentage of "Whiteness." Anyway...

   JT's clean and sober. I don't drink alcohol either. We shared sparkling water on the first night we talked. 
   He's 56, and yeah, my fantasy man is closer to 23. But compared to the geezers who are impotent or ever-complaining about their achy muscles, the ones who told me it hurts their rib cage or "You've pressing on my balls" when cuddling, well, JT's just the right amount of alpha male for my taste.
   See: 
   "We'll take it slow," he'd said when we started to date. "I don't want to rush into a sexual relationship again."
   "No, it's fine, I understand." No guy ever told me they wanted to wait. Is he for real? But then, I worried..."Um, how long do you want to wait?" I've done too much celibacy.
   "I don't know, maybe two weeks, or a month or something." 
   Phew. I didn't push back or bring it up (no pun intended). (Or pun intended?)

   Two days after that first night, I called JT. 
   "Great to hear from you," he said. "I'm heading for dinner to celebrate my sobriety birthday. It's 23 years today."
   "Wow, that's awesome. Congratulations." Wait, 23? 23? 23! 23 and Me! I like it. 
   
   A few more dates and JT confessed to "thinking impure thoughts" about me, when alone at night.
   A week or so later, he decided that "We don't have to wait any more."
   I agreed.  JT's every move and gesture was and seems intentional, thoughtful, and loving. It was a wonderful night. He's a darn good, solid man. 
   I got my 23andMe, and I like it. 
   Still holding my breath, smiling too.

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Comment Collage Starring YOU

Dear Sillies,

Your warm-loving playfulness gives me plenty of reason to love you. Your comments give me plenty of material for entertainment too.  Here are your recent comments, my Dears, weirdly ordered. 

No blasphemy intended. Just good, naughty fun. 

Alex J. Cavanaugh Drunk Jesus. Not an image one wants in one's head.

Janie Junebug said I want details and pictures.

Geo. said I happen to know Jesus and He drinks wine, never beer. Check his hands for stigmata.

Yvonne said Stop looking for red flags. If there are any, you will see them.

Geo. Yikes!--in my 70s it's my Mantra, not a judgement.

Mary Kirkland said I don't give two birds about what celebrities do. They live in another dimension it seems most of the time.

presstfortime said Ahh, finally some real important news! 

Annalisa Crawford Oooh yes! A happy middle bit (I won't be presumptuous enough to call happy ending...) Joanne said And yes....She's hot. She just sizzles.

Moving with Mitchell I LIKE this story! Debra She Who Seeks Dropping Jesus off in a dark alley, LOL!  Martha said Ooooh, sounds lovely!

Moving with Mitchell said Well, Jesus loves you.

Birgit said I am already bored with all that love.

Debra She Who Seeks said Yeah, *yawn* Ben Affleck -- what the hell is up with that? Mike said "everything. As far as I can tell."


Thursday, July 29, 2021

J. Lo, Really? Interview with Jennifer Lopez on her Reunion with Ben Affleck

Dear Sillies,

Excuse me for a moment. I've gotta chat with J. Lo. Apparently, the most earthshaking event of the day is that she reunited with Ben Affleck. Really? I mean, Ben Affleck? We gotta talk.

Robyn turns to J. Lo. behind her, lounging on a beach-chair with martini in hand, surrounded by sprinklings of sand below Life by Chocolate's studio in clearly-not-for-profit blogland. Girlfriend, really? Ben Aff. . . licted-by-his-filthy-riches-and-egomaniacal-vapid-bro-dom? I mean, sweetie, he's 48! I thought you prefer 19 year olds, or A-Rod. 

J. Lo: Smile. Parade wave for the paparazzi. Everyone loves me, I know. Smile.

Robyn: You do have a sexy smile, and sexy -- Robyn scans J. Lo's body -- everything. As far as I can tell. Wink. Robyn eyes J. Lo's plump, perky breasts. She wipes her forehead, as saliva drips from her lips. Whewee. You're on--stay out of California, honey. We're having enough fires! Robyn giggles. Sorry, I just got way too hot. Robyn looks at the camera. She takes a deep breath to re-set.

J. Lo: Oh, I know I do. Everyone loves me, I know.

Robyn: Let's get a bit personal, okay?

J. Lo: Purse, purse an ole? Ooh, girl, I've got me some 1,200 Christian Eeyors in my closet, where the maids live. 

Robyn rolls her eyes. I prefer the Jewish Winnies myself. Plus no maids;  a swiffer gets the job done. Honey, good thing you don't have to be smart to look good. But Ben's a homely man. He must have brains, unless Matt Damon is all the brains on that team. And cuteness, and virtue and personality. Which he is, by the way. Too bad you couldn't have a real man like Matt Damon. But he's taken. Lucky wife, lucky life, you know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, that boring dude of yours, Ben? Does he ever . . . does he ever, you know . . . Wink . . . smile?

J. Lo: Oh yeah, when I -- J. Lo. and Robyn start whispering, giggling, and then we cut to a commercial about a pill for the 48 year old haughty who can't...smile.  

  Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck Recreated the Iconic Pose From "Jenny From  the Block" Video | InStyle

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Justin Two's Nice Tulips and Two Lips

Dear Sillies,

To recap, Jesus had interrupted our discourse two nights earlier; drunken Jesus needed a ride home. Justin Two (JT) said he'd be at this night's show, though. 

Without a way to contact JT, I sat on a wooden bench in front of the stage, pretending to not be nervous about whether or not he'd show. I hope, hope, hope he shows. Nah. Don't get your hopes up. Forget about him. They always disapp-- JT came strolling through the area, confidently. He wore a friendly grin and casual attire. 

I approached with arms extended. 

"I'm the hugging type," I said. "Hope that's o--" JT wrapped his sturdy forearms around me for a brief embrace. 

After the show, which went well --"You did great," he'd told me -- JT suggested we talk somewhere peaceful, perhaps his front porch. Woohoo! I wasn't the only one who was annoyed by drunken Jesus' interruption. 

Free-flowing chatter ensued at a small black table by JT's front window. JT had lit a candle to illuminate the otherwise pitch dark setting. A tall thin glass holding tulips centered the table. 

"Pretty flowers," I said, and he told me that they're plastic. 

We learned of quite a few commonalities. Neither of us drinks or smokes. Neither of us owns a TV. Each of us opens the passenger's side car door first, when driving with a passenger. (This one I learned when I accepted a ride to his place. Afterall, he'd assured me that he's safe. I suggested, jokingly, that I might not be.  He seemed fine with that.)  

JT, like me, is divorced.
 
"I'm not looking for an open relationship," I told him. "That seems to be what all the men I've been dating lately want."

"That isn't really a relationship."

"I agree." Phew. Wow. Is he for real?

Time flew. It was 1 a.m.

JT pulled one of the tulips from the vase and handed it to me. "You'll get real ones later."

At my car, we hugged, and then there was a brief moment of looking at each other, and then his two lips were on my two lips. We shared two sweet kisses.

"I didn't expect that," he said. 

I was hoping, I thought. But not hoping too much, because you know how I've been so disappointed again and again and again, and then so disappointed again, by men. 

***

This happened in early June. 

The tulip, positioned atop a heart shaped candle, centers my kitchen table now. 

Psst, JT's coming over tonight. 

Thursday, July 15, 2021

What's in a Name? Justin Number Two

Dear Sillies,

I met someone a while ago, Bruce. He's very handsome. And very married. But wait...some men have friends. 

Early last month, Bruce showed up to the patio where I perform open-mic comedy. See, Bruce started to do standup too. 

His male friend sat across from me at a picnic table that evening. 

Looks nice, defined cheek bones, muscular arms. "Hi, I'm Robyn," I extended my hand.

"I'm Justin,"* he smiled, conferring a handshake.

*Justin isn't really Bruce's friend's name. Justin's an alias for the love of my life's name in Woman on the Verge of Paradise. That man's real name was Bruce's friend's real name. I'd vowed to never date another with same name. 

   But the name similarity didn't cross my mind. Yikes. That's how a gal gets into trouble, right? Deny the red flags.

   Justin and I chatted after the show until Jesus Christ--well, a comic who looks like the Western culture's image of Jesus-- interrupted. This hippie Jesus asked, "Robyn, I hate to bother you, but can I get a ride home?"

Shit, Jesus. Why me? Why now? "Car problems?" 

"Nah, I'm just drunk."

I couldn't let drunken Jesus take the wheel. Damn. I turned to Justin,"I'm sorry. I'm performing on Saturday night, though. Eight o'clock."

"I'll see you then."

I left, thinking of Justin, as I dropped Jesus off in a dark alley. (The nice housing is only for the entitled richie riches around here.)  

Stay tuned. 

Stay hot. Stay cool.

Feel loved. You are.




Sunday, July 4, 2021

Saluting John Hancock: July Fourth Erotica

Dear Sillies,

Sorry. I mean, for Martha Stewart and/or anything else you don't care to see herein. Smiles. 

Have a safe, grateful Independence Day and week.

Love you.

 

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Bernie signed my Birthday Cake!

Dear Sillies,

I had a Birthday yesterday, a very Happy one.

Age is a weird thing that I've kept under the radar. 

Guess how old I am now. 

Look who signed my Birthday cake! 

We'll just excuse the shaky writing. Bernie Sanders is approximately twice my age but still the one. Gosh darn, that Bernie. 


Monday, June 21, 2021

Summer Erotica err Summerotica err Some Erotica, Heat

 Woohoo, my Dears!

It's time to turn up the heat.

Stay cool. Stay hot. Know, always, you are loved.

 

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Spring Urges Video, One Unsated Hater

Dear Sillies, 

Wait, I was going to explain the poor timing. It was filmed in late April for a local radio station fundraiser; I'm just now getting the video. I'm also just now realizing it's still Spring for a handful more days. Right? Whoosh. Not too late to share.  

One person disliked it. Seriously? Only one? (I have haters. They hate my bold, feminine honesty and local fight for justice.) Clearly, their urges have yet to be sated.     

Cheers, my dears. 

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Celebrity Book Fail, Macaulay Culkin's Adult Coloring Book, Brave

Dear Sillies,

Remember my stagehand, Macaulay Culkin? Ever since he stormed off of Life by Chocolate's set, which I don't understand because I cut him a fair deal (he still owes me $2,500), he's been falling into deeper depths of bizarre and disconcerting shamefulness. 

That once adorable child actor from Home Alone

has a coloring book in his honor.

MACAULAY CULKIN: AN ADULT COLORING BOOK: A Macaulay Culkin Coloring Book For Adults


*An awesome unofficial Macaulay Culkin-inspired, biographical coloring book
*Perfect for relaxation and stress relief
*2 copies of each image, for two chances to color!
*Rad original designs, from Scribble Press!

I mean, would coloring this picture bring you zen? (I'd be more inclined to start a serious drug habit.)

If you're interested you can find this treasure for anywhere between $9 and $16.99. Published in 2019, it's been reviewed anywhere between zero to zero times, my friends! But don't worry, two people gave it a five-star rating. I wonder who the second person was, or if Macaulay has a second account under an alias.

In other words, YOU HAVE TALENT and gifts and joy to share with the world. Please do. It'll help balance out the ugly nonsense out there.

Love you!


Wednesday, June 2, 2021

June, June, June

Dearest Sillies of the most hot, cool and Silly ~

What's not to like about June?

There's our Janie Junebug, owned by Franklin and Penelope - We all love this Junebug's saucy wit and heartfelt hilarity.




 
There's this regular, non-saucy June Bug ~ red-brown beetles that move around frenetically in the Northern Hemisphere on warm evenings.









There's the Beaver's sweet and innocent Mommy, June Cleaver (actress Barbara Billingsley)

It's my Birthday month too. 

For those who read this far, remember when I told you that I did a naughty performance in Lake Tahoe? Psst, this link should take you there. I warned ya. 

https://youtu.be/imGlIqbNPGk

Stay cool, my hotties!

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Bar Mitzvah Mensch, My Not-So-Little Nephew

Dear Sillies,

I went away last week, and I returned this week. 

My love bug nephew in So Cal (the chocolate-smudged cutie in the right side-bar of this page) had his big day. Finally. 

Jeremy turned 13 just as news of COVID broke. His big day was thus canceled, rescheduled, canceled, and re-scheduled again. In the meantime, his 14th Birthday went by.

His last living grandparent, now 91, had a big health scare and went from her nursing home to the hospital. She pushed through and attended his Bar Mitzvah this past weekend. Approximately 70 people did, including me.

With only three weeks to learn and re-learn the service -- we got news about the temple's tenuous future, so the family had to plan quickly-- he led the service eloquently. I was and still am k'velling (boasting, expressing pride).

  2016, age 9 (and 49)

2021, age 14 (and 54)

When did he grow to be so tall?! I look up to him even more than it appears here. He's more resilient,compassionate, patient, and mature than me. He's also very clever and witty.

In his speech, Jeremy thanked his parents for "giving me the freedom and opportunities to choose my own spiritual path." He's chosen both Judaism and Christianity. We're all very proud.

If you're wondering, the proper greeting for an event like this is "Mazel Tov." This means "congratulations." 

Thank you, and I love you, my dears.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Lake Tahoe Getaway, Showtime

Dear Sillies,

I've been very fortunate to embark on exciting getaways these days, despite the pandemic.

Mother's Day weekend found me in glorious Lake Tahoe on the CA-Nevada border. (I'm late on posting this, I know.). Thing is, I went there for a show. Well, more specifically, I went to perform in said show! 

The marquee reads "Funnyball Comedy." This comedy included headliner Johnny Taylor, five other male comic friends, and...Me. The guys are all very nice. There was no ego to deal with. Johnny's a talented, witty, and humble gentleman.

Yeah, I've been doing standup comedy for approx three years. A friend from Chico moved to Nevada and arranged the show. He booked me as the only woman in the show. Woohoo!

It was one of the best weekend's of my life. I was treated like a celebrity and felt like one. They comped our rooms, drinks, and gawked over us. I made friends, fans, and had an all-out remarkable time.

While I didn't deliver a perfect performance (I forgot some things and messed up one of my lines), I wasn't terribly nervous. Most importantly, I looked good. If I do say so myself.

 I'd post the video of my 10-minute standup set, but I can't. Not because it's too naughty. I mean, it IS too naughty to post. But I don't yet have the full video. I'm still waiting on it from a comic friend who filmed the whole thing.

Here, I'm taking in the ambience before driving back home from the experience of a lifetime.

Be well, my darlings.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Ben and Jerry's Colin Kaepernick's CHANGE THE WHIRLED

Dear Sillies,

The warm weather provides excuse for my latest indulgence. As do you. 

So here I am with some Ben and Jerry's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert. As labeled, it packs "caramel with fudge chips, graham cracker swirls and chocolate cookie swirls." I know, right? But hear me out: It's NON-DAIRY and thus well, never mind. It's not at all healthy. It's healthier than ice cream, however, and I wouldn't have guessed it's non-dairy. 

The base tastes like smooth butter cream. The swirled chocolate-graham cracker-cookie mix tastes divine. I have no words, except to say I'd take a knee for it. It earns a 9 on my 1-10 scale.  







Stay sweet, cool, and silly, my dears. xo

Monday, May 3, 2021

May Pole Erotica

Dear Silliest of Sillies,
   It's May! We all know what that means. Yeah, it's time to polish up the ole May pole, remove a few layers, and go wild.
   Or just take time to smell a lovely rose.
 

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Ashland Aesthetics

My Dears,
   I needed a getaway. So when I learned that Ashland, Oregon is only 3.5 hours away, it became my destination. 
   Ashland hosts an annual Shakespeare Festival. Well, it did until COVID hit. I'd heard it was a great place. I'm glad, too, that it wasn't swarmed with people there for the Festival. 
   Folks in Ashland very courteously wear masks, even when walking down the streets. They're friendly and nice. Buildings and benches are tagged with the four-letter word, "love." (Imagine gangsters deciding to tag public property with "love.") 
 
   On my way home, I caught these white beauties out of the corner of my eye. I'd keep driving, though. Wait, no, I gotta turn around! A few minutes later, I pulled into a bike lane. Camera-phone in hand, I rolled down my window. No, that won't do. I got out of my car, walked closely to these glorious creatures, and took a handful of photos. 
 
   Here's the most exquisite scene I've ever captured, plus a few more:
 


 

Dining by a fire-pit.
Note the man's fingers in my hair. A little creepy, but I didn't mind. (Downtown sculpture).






Green, green, green.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Verging on the Bern, Cayenne Cocoa Snack

 Dear Sillies,

   How are you, my friends? Please be and treat yourselves well.

   In the midst of things, I tried to experience that Berning sensation that my favorite senior man incites. So I sampled a snack, Western Cocoa Cayenne - granola with cocoa nibs, cayenne pepper, and other yummy stuff. It's very low in sugar and thus a healthy snack for me. I'm trying to cut down. Sort of. Smiles. 



I've mixed it with some cashew yogurt (also very low in sugar). Mmm. It's good. Unfortunately, though I wore my favorite t-shirt*, this didn't get me there. I'd describe the flavor as sweet, fruity, crunchy, and rustic. *("Feel the Bern 2016") It has a bit of a kick; no burn, though. None at all. A bit disappointing. It's a yummy snack, though. I'd recommend making it yourself with a mix of nuts and cocoa nibs, perhaps some cranberries or raisins. Otherwise, it's not worth the $7. I give it a 5 out of 10. My tens are reserved for the man himself.  Because I love him.


 




Monday, April 12, 2021

Fun With My Dream Boy

Dear Sillies,
I was pretty upset over Clark, so I did something I hadn't done in years. I dove back into the risky, sketchy, weird world of on-line dating. Yikes. Boy are there winners in that swamp. Take "James," for example. He seems and looks so perfectly dreamy. Only thing is, James input the wrong age by seven years. This made me suspect. Thus I had some fun with him (or a robot).

James: Your profile got my attention 😊 , I am 55 yrs old mistake on my age 😊 

(Note: Age says 62.) Work as a Senior Project Architect and a project coordinator who supports project managers on major projects. You do more projecting than a frat boy during pledge week, sweetie.Robyn: How is it that there was a mistake on your age, James? You can simply go into your profile, click on the pencil/edit icon, and change it. James: so what you do work ?

Robyn: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure out how to change your age on your profile, even though I gave you the simple instructions to do that? For work, I'm a special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigations. 

James: Awww thanks . Have a mixed background and an interesting heritage ( Swedish and Italian). I enjoy the small things in life. Would be lovely to take this wonderful conversations ahead , please leave me with contact lets connect on the phone lol  

Robyn: Awww yes. I cannot wait to get ahead with you and check out your blue prints lol I don't like small things. I'm sure yours, being part Italian, is like a fat and long sausage. Call me at (415) 926-5818.

James: Awww thanks, would text you tomorrow

*That number is a San Francisco area number for ordering Viagra discreetly. You can thank me discreetly too. Wink.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Weirdest Breakup Ever, Clark part II

 My Dear Sillies,
   I don't usually cut to the chase. Instead, I cut out the chase. So I'll just tell you that Clark gave me one "installment," (I suspect it was 5.5 or 5.25 inches. I didn't take out my tape measure.)
   Quality-wise, the night was dreamy. He'd brought over dinner and drinks, we talked about past relationships and what we're looking for. A positive, thick tension thickened.  
   "What do you want to do now?" he asked.
   "I want to kiss you." 
   Things heated blissfully smoothly, and we slept well too. It was a wonderfully pleasant and pleasurable night. Clark checked in the following afternoon. 
   He made a salmon dinner for me the following weekend.
   Clark asked me questions, didn't interrupt my responses to tell me tediously boring factoids about himself, and I really, really liked him.

   As soon as he bit into the salmon, Clark felt sick. A few minutes later, I was politely, apologetically asked to leave.      

   What a disappointment.

   "How about if I bring you some homemade matzo ball soup?" I offered the next day. Good move, right? I'd win him over for sure. 

   My soup turned out great. Clark appreciated it so much that he bargained for potato latkes next. I agreed, with a playful (but serious) disclaimer, "That's going to be it for my Jewish dishes, though."

   The night arrived.
   "Mm, mm, these are great! Thanks for making them."
   "Well, truthfully, I used a mix. It's too easy," I grinned. "And I had to taste-test plenty of latkes for you."
   We moved to the couch after dinner. 
   He took my hand. "I planned for you to stay the night," Clark said stoically, "but you like me more than I like you." Okay? "I hate hurting people, so I want to keep dating without the sex."
   Say what? "What would that look like? We already crossed the line."
   "Yes, and it was wonderful. But I potentially want to see other people." You're hurting me so as to not hurt me by refusing to have sex again with me because the sex was wonderful and you assume that I have more feelings for you than you do for me? 
   "I think you're projecting stuff onto me," I shrugged. "Okay, then."
   I got up to retrieve my purse and the left-over latkes.
   "Why are you--? Okay, okay, yeah, you're NOT staying the night after that. I regret ever having sex with you in the first place." 
   Clark walked to his kitchen, retrieved a roll of aluminum foil from a drawer, and tore off a large piece. He very meticulously wrapped the left-over latkes in foil, then handed them to me.
   Damn straight, you don't get these!
   Numb, I took my other belongings and walked to the door. What do I say now? I turned to him. 
   "Well, have a good night," is all I could think to say, because I'm too nice like that. 
   He looked at me sadly, patronizingly. 
   I'm still hurt and perplexed over this non-super man. He probably should've just "ghosted" me, but I guess he really, really wanted potato latkes.   


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Celibacy Breakage, Superman Look-alike

Dear Sillies,
The next man to have broken my celibacy streak looks like this: 

   Cute, right? A Clark Kent lookalike perhaps. My Superman? A super man, a great guy, a decent dweeb, or another numbskull? Let's find out...

   I was in my zone, riding the on-stage high that my comedic routines unexpectedly and occasionally deliver. My lines about, well, length and inches and stuff --um, "mathematical" measurements with a mostly male audience)-- reaped uproarious laughter. To my left, an adorable man and his lovely brunette friend, cheered giddily. 
   I commented on her good fortune, assuming they were a couple. Her expression told me "No, we're just friends. You just gave me an idea."
   After the show, as I chatted with other comics by the bar, this sweet lady introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Marla." We shook hands. "You were hilarious! Can I introduce you to my friend?" she asked.
   "That's nice of you. Sure."
   Marla walked me to Clark, who sat at a nearby table. 
   "Oh, I thought you were together."
   "No. We both teach at MLK Middle School." Cool, right?
   After the introductions, Clark sat with chest pressed out: "I can give you nine inches."  His smile, endearingly intoxicated. "But it'll be in three installments." 
   "Hey, a gal's not picky," I chuckled. "I mean, this gal isn't." 
   So naturally or not, I ended up driving Clark home. I mean, I couldn't let Clark drive drunk. Right? This proceeded more chatter, and Marla's assurance that he's not a creep. I could trust a lovely woman who's a teacher with a drunken male friend teacher, right? 
   Turned out, hours later, yeah, I could trust him. Myself? Not so much. It was very fun and naughty but not to-the-full-extreme-of-naughty. Clark repeatedly requested that I spend the night. 
   "My bed is really big, so our bodies won't touch at all," he bargained.
   The night ended with Clark's telling me it was up to me to contact him "since you're rejecting me," but I got the most flirtatious, drunkenly cute smile from him and meager wave "goodbye" (after a kiss and embrace too). 
   I called the next day.     ...to be continued. I know, I'm such a tease.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Spring Time Erotica, Holy Trinity

Dear Sillies,

Spring hath sprung. Urges are surging, as Easter and Passover come close. Thus, a few friends and I are here to deliver Springtimerotica.

Please enjoy.

 Love you!

 

Monday, March 15, 2021

Saint Patrick's Day Erotica

 Dear Sillies,

You got this, my friends. You've come this far. We're here for each other, and Saint Patty's is upon us. Now go expose that shamrock and reap good luck of the most thrilling kind. Wink.


Monday, March 8, 2021

Girthiness, Celibacy Breakage

Dear Sillies,

Alright, alright, I won't be such a tease. Well, I will, but I'll try to not keep you hanging for too long...It's not nice. Guys don't like that. You don't either, and that's why I love ya. 

Part 2.
"No need to apologize, I had fun," I told Huey. 
"Cool well if your ever up for hanging out I'm down."

   Despite his grammatical challenges, and a significant size differential between us, I liked Huey's genuinely sweet demeanor. So we hung out. Err, he hung out and got me up and down and sideways and backwards and all around. He's strong and flexible that way. 

  I gotta say, though, I had severe performance anxiety every time. Huey is a man of girth - you know what I mean? (Psst: It's not Jewish.) I was astounded by the sight. We worked it out, though, and I survived unscathed.

   Huey and I took walks and went to shows and stuff too, but you don't care about that. (That's another reason I love you. You cheer when I get some).

   A few months into our courtship, I was certain that Huey's funny. I appreciated his sweetness. He's sincere and warmloving too. And Huey's honest. So honest that he told me he doesn't want to hurt me. Thus, to preempt this, Huey told me that we should have an open relationship.

   "I don't feel like you're the one, and I'm not breaking up with you, but if you're open to dating other people...?"

   I thought about it. No, I didn't really think about it. "No. That won't work for me, Huey." Damn tears. 

   Huey and I are still friendly and cordial. I was hurt and sad, of course. But there was no malice. That's relieving.  

   And honestly, between you and me, my Sillies, it's a relief to not feel the pressures of having so much to take in. You know?

   

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

A Break from Celibacy, Molly and Huey

 Dear Sillies,
   I confess, I've been holding out. Well, not true. Err, I'm not spreading it. Info, that is. I haven't kept you satisfied, not at all. I'm so sorry. 
   Truth is I've been on a nice long break from celibacy. Not because of a man, though. Because of several men. Not at once. Promise, but that's a nice thought. How caring of you!   
   I didn't want to write about any of it. It's hard. Well, not that hard, hard enough. You know? Oy. Lemme just tell you about Huey. 
   The damn "shelter in place" had been going on for about half a year. Loneliness spiked. So I went to a comedy show, where I, well, performed, and was invited to a party afterward.
   The man who invited me is a hysterical comic who's very suave and hot. 
   "I don't do drugs or drink at all," I told Hottie.
   Hottie replied "It doesn't matter, Robyn" and gave me the details.
   There I sat in the midst of a hallucinating drug trip, sober. The crowd was kind and respectful of my--ahem--puritan ways. 
   A man to my right, someone from that circuit who'd intrigued me, struck up discourse about how comedy's a remedy for depression. 
   He enticed me with his sincerity and warm smile. His belly's huge, and I picked up on a sweet innocence about him (despite the fact that he and everyone but me was drugged out). We'll call him Huey.
   "Hey, what's your situation, pretty lady?" 
   I told Huey it was my first fun night since pre-COVID and I'm  single. He stroked my arm as we talked. It felt nice. Human touch -- sigh. It'd been too long. I reciprocated.
   Huey moved in for a kiss, and then more kissing. That felt nicer.
   Partiers came in and out of the room: "You guys are cute!" "You can go outside for privacy" "Good stuff, huh? I see it's working!" A bit awkward, but I'm a fan of that molly thing. (Never did any drugs or smoking whatsoever. I swear, but I did drink a lot of girlie drinks back in the day, and I do swear like a drunken sailor lost at sea.)
   Huey messaged me the next morn: "so sorry for last night hope I didn't make you feel bad." 
                                      to be continued...

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Hot Chocolate, Jalapeno Hot!

 Dear Sillies,   

   You know that hangry feeling? Yeah, I was feeling it and grabbed a hangry bar - milk chocolate with Jalapeno and pretzels. 

   It tasted great and chocolatey sweet, until...

it didn't. Whoowee, they didn't spare on the jalapeno. Keep a jug of water close, if you try one. I forgot about the pretzels, not a strong salty flavor. Overall, this babe's properly named and is a good fix for the hangries. I give it a 9. But I hope you don't NEED one.
Be well and not hangry.
Love,
Robyn

Monday, February 15, 2021

VALENTINE'S DAY HATEFEST WINNER!! She's a Spunky One!

Dear Sillies,

   Excuse the delay, but we interrogated King Putinontheritz regarding one suspicious ballot.*   He said only "Nyet?" We didn't know what to do next, so we sent it to Florida. They shouted, "We took him back. What more do you want?" and tossed the ballot in his hole. I mean, in Mar a lago's 13th hole. It mattered not. Not every vote counts. (What do you think this is, Canada?)

   It was close, my friends. Votes were all over the place. 

*Here's the ballot in question:

Janie Junebug I know this says Janie Junebug, but I'm not Janie Junebug. No, definitely not Janie, but I vote for her.

Love,
Janie

oops

With or without voter fraud, we have one clear winner. Her entry is poignant. It's succinct, and it's beautifully hateful. CONGRATULATIONS, L. Diane, Spunk on a Stick

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.



Diane will receive a package catered to her individual needs and preferences. I believe you don't eat chocolate-gasp!, Diane, so we'll work around that. Please have your people contact mine at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. Thank you. 

Thank you all for entering and voting! 

CONGRATULATIONS to a most worthy winner!

Thursday, February 11, 2021

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Valentine's Day Hate Fest Contest!

Dear Silly Hearts,
Please vote on the one Valentine's Day Hatefest entry you like most.
Winner will receive a very sweet package. 
Enjoy raging sweetness this weekend. 
I love hating on VDay with you, and I love you.
Thank you, especially to those who entered!
 

Birgit 

Penis Van Lesbian (aka Dick Van Dyke)meets a young girl and marries her.

The broad likes very wrinkly things hanging low. Idiot


Alex J. Cavanaugh

Just give me sex...
Wait, did I say that out loud?

 

Yvonne

Wine and me
no room for thee

 

Elephant's Child

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I would rather be alone in my bed,
than share it with you.

 

Joanne

2020 Valentine's seemed like bliss
2021 lockdown - wear our best sweats, kiss

stop looking, breathing, chewing, being, I hiss
go zoom on the moon, your face I won't miss

 

Janie Junebug

See Dick and Jane. See Dick try to give Jane his dick on Valentine's Day. See Jane remove Dick's dick. See Dick cry. Boofuckinghoo, Dick.

Love,
Janie

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.

 

Geo.

Kid, you've thrown me deep into last century --Dylan, Baez: "Love is just a four-letter word", but it's more powerful than all other words combined. Be my Valentine. (29 words)