My Story, Yours Too.

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Justin Two's Nice Tulips and Two Lips

Dear Sillies,

To recap, Jesus had interrupted our discourse two nights earlier; drunken Jesus needed a ride home. Justin Two (JT) said he'd be at this night's show, though. 

Without a way to contact JT, I sat on a wooden bench in front of the stage, pretending to not be nervous about whether or not he'd show. I hope, hope, hope he shows. Nah. Don't get your hopes up. Forget about him. They always disapp-- JT came strolling through the area, confidently. He wore a friendly grin and casual attire. 

I approached with arms extended. 

"I'm the hugging type," I said. "Hope that's o--" JT wrapped his sturdy forearms around me for a brief embrace. 

After the show, which went well --"You did great," he'd told me -- JT suggested we talk somewhere peaceful, perhaps his front porch. Woohoo! I wasn't the only one who was annoyed by drunken Jesus' interruption. 

Free-flowing chatter ensued at a small black table by JT's front window. JT had lit a candle to illuminate the otherwise pitch dark setting. A tall thin glass holding tulips centered the table. 

"Pretty flowers," I said, and he told me that they're plastic. 

We learned of quite a few commonalities. Neither of us drinks or smokes. Neither of us owns a TV. Each of us opens the passenger's side car door first, when driving with a passenger. (This one I learned when I accepted a ride to his place. Afterall, he'd assured me that he's safe. I suggested, jokingly, that I might not be.  He seemed fine with that.)  

JT, like me, is divorced.
 
"I'm not looking for an open relationship," I told him. "That seems to be what all the men I've been dating lately want."

"That isn't really a relationship."

"I agree." Phew. Wow. Is he for real?

Time flew. It was 1 a.m.

JT pulled one of the tulips from the vase and handed it to me. "You'll get real ones later."

At my car, we hugged, and then there was a brief moment of looking at each other, and then his two lips were on my two lips. We shared two sweet kisses.

"I didn't expect that," he said. 

I was hoping, I thought. But not hoping too much, because you know how I've been so disappointed again and again and again, and then so disappointed again, by men. 

***

This happened in early June. 

The tulip, positioned atop a heart shaped candle, centers my kitchen table now. 

Psst, JT's coming over tonight. 

Thursday, July 15, 2021

What's in a Name? Justin Number Two

Dear Sillies,

I met someone a while ago, Bruce. He's very handsome. And very married. But wait...some men have friends. 

Early last month, Bruce showed up to the patio where I perform open-mic comedy. See, Bruce started to do standup too. 

His male friend sat across from me at a picnic table that evening. 

Looks nice, defined cheek bones, muscular arms. "Hi, I'm Robyn," I extended my hand.

"I'm Justin,"* he smiled, conferring a handshake.

*Justin isn't really Bruce's friend's name. Justin's an alias for the love of my life's name in Woman on the Verge of Paradise. That man's real name was Bruce's friend's real name. I'd vowed to never date another with same name. 

   But the name similarity didn't cross my mind. Yikes. That's how a gal gets into trouble, right? Deny the red flags.

   Justin and I chatted after the show until Jesus Christ--well, a comic who looks like the Western culture's image of Jesus-- interrupted. This hippie Jesus asked, "Robyn, I hate to bother you, but can I get a ride home?"

Shit, Jesus. Why me? Why now? "Car problems?" 

"Nah, I'm just drunk."

I couldn't let drunken Jesus take the wheel. Damn. I turned to Justin,"I'm sorry. I'm performing on Saturday night, though. Eight o'clock."

"I'll see you then."

I left, thinking of Justin, as I dropped Jesus off in a dark alley. (The nice housing is only for the entitled richie riches around here.)  

Stay tuned. 

Stay hot. Stay cool.

Feel loved. You are.




Sunday, July 4, 2021

Saluting John Hancock: July Fourth Erotica

Dear Sillies,

Sorry. I mean, for Martha Stewart and/or anything else you don't care to see herein. Smiles. 

Have a safe, grateful Independence Day and week.

Love you.

 

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Bernie signed my Birthday Cake!

Dear Sillies,

I had a Birthday yesterday, a very Happy one.

Age is a weird thing that I've kept under the radar. 

Guess how old I am now. 

Look who signed my Birthday cake! 

We'll just excuse the shaky writing. Bernie Sanders is approximately twice my age but still the one. Gosh darn, that Bernie. 


Monday, June 21, 2021

Summer Erotica err Summerotica err Some Erotica, Heat

 Woohoo, my Dears!

It's time to turn up the heat.

Stay cool. Stay hot. Know, always, you are loved.

 

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Spring Urges Video, One Unsated Hater

Dear Sillies, 

Wait, I was going to explain the poor timing. It was filmed in late April for a local radio station fundraiser; I'm just now getting the video. I'm also just now realizing it's still Spring for a handful more days. Right? Whoosh. Not too late to share.  

One person disliked it. Seriously? Only one? (I have haters. They hate my bold, feminine honesty and local fight for justice.) Clearly, their urges have yet to be sated.     

Cheers, my dears. 

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Celebrity Book Fail, Macaulay Culkin's Adult Coloring Book, Brave

Dear Sillies,

Remember my stagehand, Macaulay Culkin? Ever since he stormed off of Life by Chocolate's set, which I don't understand because I cut him a fair deal (he still owes me $2,500), he's been falling into deeper depths of bizarre and disconcerting shamefulness. 

That once adorable child actor from Home Alone

has a coloring book in his honor.

MACAULAY CULKIN: AN ADULT COLORING BOOK: A Macaulay Culkin Coloring Book For Adults


*An awesome unofficial Macaulay Culkin-inspired, biographical coloring book
*Perfect for relaxation and stress relief
*2 copies of each image, for two chances to color!
*Rad original designs, from Scribble Press!

I mean, would coloring this picture bring you zen? (I'd be more inclined to start a serious drug habit.)

If you're interested you can find this treasure for anywhere between $9 and $16.99. Published in 2019, it's been reviewed anywhere between zero to zero times, my friends! But don't worry, two people gave it a five-star rating. I wonder who the second person was, or if Macaulay has a second account under an alias.

In other words, YOU HAVE TALENT and gifts and joy to share with the world. Please do. It'll help balance out the ugly nonsense out there.

Love you!


Wednesday, June 2, 2021

June, June, June

Dearest Sillies of the most hot, cool and Silly ~

What's not to like about June?

There's our Janie Junebug, owned by Franklin and Penelope - We all love this Junebug's saucy wit and heartfelt hilarity.




 
There's this regular, non-saucy June Bug ~ red-brown beetles that move around frenetically in the Northern Hemisphere on warm evenings.









There's the Beaver's sweet and innocent Mommy, June Cleaver (actress Barbara Billingsley)

It's my Birthday month too. 

For those who read this far, remember when I told you that I did a naughty performance in Lake Tahoe? Psst, this link should take you there. I warned ya. 

https://youtu.be/imGlIqbNPGk

Stay cool, my hotties!

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Bar Mitzvah Mensch, My Not-So-Little Nephew

Dear Sillies,

I went away last week, and I returned this week. 

My love bug nephew in So Cal (the chocolate-smudged cutie in the right side-bar of this page) had his big day. Finally. 

Jeremy turned 13 just as news of COVID broke. His big day was thus canceled, rescheduled, canceled, and re-scheduled again. In the meantime, his 14th Birthday went by.

His last living grandparent, now 91, had a big health scare and went from her nursing home to the hospital. She pushed through and attended his Bar Mitzvah this past weekend. Approximately 70 people did, including me.

With only three weeks to learn and re-learn the service -- we got news about the temple's tenuous future, so the family had to plan quickly-- he led the service eloquently. I was and still am k'velling (boasting, expressing pride).

  2016, age 9 (and 49)

2021, age 14 (and 54)

When did he grow to be so tall?! I look up to him even more than it appears here. He's more resilient,compassionate, patient, and mature than me. He's also very clever and witty.

In his speech, Jeremy thanked his parents for "giving me the freedom and opportunities to choose my own spiritual path." He's chosen both Judaism and Christianity. We're all very proud.

If you're wondering, the proper greeting for an event like this is "Mazel Tov." This means "congratulations." 

Thank you, and I love you, my dears.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Lake Tahoe Getaway, Showtime

Dear Sillies,

I've been very fortunate to embark on exciting getaways these days, despite the pandemic.

Mother's Day weekend found me in glorious Lake Tahoe on the CA-Nevada border. (I'm late on posting this, I know.). Thing is, I went there for a show. Well, more specifically, I went to perform in said show! 

The marquee reads "Funnyball Comedy." This comedy included headliner Johnny Taylor, five other male comic friends, and...Me. The guys are all very nice. There was no ego to deal with. Johnny's a talented, witty, and humble gentleman.

Yeah, I've been doing standup comedy for approx three years. A friend from Chico moved to Nevada and arranged the show. He booked me as the only woman in the show. Woohoo!

It was one of the best weekend's of my life. I was treated like a celebrity and felt like one. They comped our rooms, drinks, and gawked over us. I made friends, fans, and had an all-out remarkable time.

While I didn't deliver a perfect performance (I forgot some things and messed up one of my lines), I wasn't terribly nervous. Most importantly, I looked good. If I do say so myself.

 I'd post the video of my 10-minute standup set, but I can't. Not because it's too naughty. I mean, it IS too naughty to post. But I don't yet have the full video. I'm still waiting on it from a comic friend who filmed the whole thing.

Here, I'm taking in the ambience before driving back home from the experience of a lifetime.

Be well, my darlings.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Ben and Jerry's Colin Kaepernick's CHANGE THE WHIRLED

Dear Sillies,

The warm weather provides excuse for my latest indulgence. As do you. 

So here I am with some Ben and Jerry's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert. As labeled, it packs "caramel with fudge chips, graham cracker swirls and chocolate cookie swirls." I know, right? But hear me out: It's NON-DAIRY and thus well, never mind. It's not at all healthy. It's healthier than ice cream, however, and I wouldn't have guessed it's non-dairy. 

The base tastes like smooth butter cream. The swirled chocolate-graham cracker-cookie mix tastes divine. I have no words, except to say I'd take a knee for it. It earns a 9 on my 1-10 scale.  







Stay sweet, cool, and silly, my dears. xo

Monday, May 3, 2021

May Pole Erotica

Dear Silliest of Sillies,
   It's May! We all know what that means. Yeah, it's time to polish up the ole May pole, remove a few layers, and go wild.
   Or just take time to smell a lovely rose.
 

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Ashland Aesthetics

My Dears,
   I needed a getaway. So when I learned that Ashland, Oregon is only 3.5 hours away, it became my destination. 
   Ashland hosts an annual Shakespeare Festival. Well, it did until COVID hit. I'd heard it was a great place. I'm glad, too, that it wasn't swarmed with people there for the Festival. 
   Folks in Ashland very courteously wear masks, even when walking down the streets. They're friendly and nice. Buildings and benches are tagged with the four-letter word, "love." (Imagine gangsters deciding to tag public property with "love.") 
 
   On my way home, I caught these white beauties out of the corner of my eye. I'd keep driving, though. Wait, no, I gotta turn around! A few minutes later, I pulled into a bike lane. Camera-phone in hand, I rolled down my window. No, that won't do. I got out of my car, walked closely to these glorious creatures, and took a handful of photos. 
 
   Here's the most exquisite scene I've ever captured, plus a few more:
 


 

Dining by a fire-pit.
Note the man's fingers in my hair. A little creepy, but I didn't mind. (Downtown sculpture).






Green, green, green.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Verging on the Bern, Cayenne Cocoa Snack

 Dear Sillies,

   How are you, my friends? Please be and treat yourselves well.

   In the midst of things, I tried to experience that Berning sensation that my favorite senior man incites. So I sampled a snack, Western Cocoa Cayenne - granola with cocoa nibs, cayenne pepper, and other yummy stuff. It's very low in sugar and thus a healthy snack for me. I'm trying to cut down. Sort of. Smiles. 



I've mixed it with some cashew yogurt (also very low in sugar). Mmm. It's good. Unfortunately, though I wore my favorite t-shirt*, this didn't get me there. I'd describe the flavor as sweet, fruity, crunchy, and rustic. *("Feel the Bern 2016") It has a bit of a kick; no burn, though. None at all. A bit disappointing. It's a yummy snack, though. I'd recommend making it yourself with a mix of nuts and cocoa nibs, perhaps some cranberries or raisins. Otherwise, it's not worth the $7. I give it a 5 out of 10. My tens are reserved for the man himself.  Because I love him.


 




Monday, April 12, 2021

Fun With My Dream Boy

Dear Sillies,
I was pretty upset over Clark, so I did something I hadn't done in years. I dove back into the risky, sketchy, weird world of on-line dating. Yikes. Boy are there winners in that swamp. Take "James," for example. He seems and looks so perfectly dreamy. Only thing is, James input the wrong age by seven years. This made me suspect. Thus I had some fun with him (or a robot).

James: Your profile got my attention 😊 , I am 55 yrs old mistake on my age 😊 

(Note: Age says 62.) Work as a Senior Project Architect and a project coordinator who supports project managers on major projects. You do more projecting than a frat boy during pledge week, sweetie.Robyn: How is it that there was a mistake on your age, James? You can simply go into your profile, click on the pencil/edit icon, and change it. James: so what you do work ?

Robyn: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure out how to change your age on your profile, even though I gave you the simple instructions to do that? For work, I'm a special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigations. 

James: Awww thanks . Have a mixed background and an interesting heritage ( Swedish and Italian). I enjoy the small things in life. Would be lovely to take this wonderful conversations ahead , please leave me with contact lets connect on the phone lol  

Robyn: Awww yes. I cannot wait to get ahead with you and check out your blue prints lol I don't like small things. I'm sure yours, being part Italian, is like a fat and long sausage. Call me at (415) 926-5818.

James: Awww thanks, would text you tomorrow

*That number is a San Francisco area number for ordering Viagra discreetly. You can thank me discreetly too. Wink.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Weirdest Breakup Ever, Clark part II

 My Dear Sillies,
   I don't usually cut to the chase. Instead, I cut out the chase. So I'll just tell you that Clark gave me one "installment," (I suspect it was 5.5 or 5.25 inches. I didn't take out my tape measure.)
   Quality-wise, the night was dreamy. He'd brought over dinner and drinks, we talked about past relationships and what we're looking for. A positive, thick tension thickened.  
   "What do you want to do now?" he asked.
   "I want to kiss you." 
   Things heated blissfully smoothly, and we slept well too. It was a wonderfully pleasant and pleasurable night. Clark checked in the following afternoon. 
   He made a salmon dinner for me the following weekend.
   Clark asked me questions, didn't interrupt my responses to tell me tediously boring factoids about himself, and I really, really liked him.

   As soon as he bit into the salmon, Clark felt sick. A few minutes later, I was politely, apologetically asked to leave.      

   What a disappointment.

   "How about if I bring you some homemade matzo ball soup?" I offered the next day. Good move, right? I'd win him over for sure. 

   My soup turned out great. Clark appreciated it so much that he bargained for potato latkes next. I agreed, with a playful (but serious) disclaimer, "That's going to be it for my Jewish dishes, though."

   The night arrived.
   "Mm, mm, these are great! Thanks for making them."
   "Well, truthfully, I used a mix. It's too easy," I grinned. "And I had to taste-test plenty of latkes for you."
   We moved to the couch after dinner. 
   He took my hand. "I planned for you to stay the night," Clark said stoically, "but you like me more than I like you." Okay? "I hate hurting people, so I want to keep dating without the sex."
   Say what? "What would that look like? We already crossed the line."
   "Yes, and it was wonderful. But I potentially want to see other people." You're hurting me so as to not hurt me by refusing to have sex again with me because the sex was wonderful and you assume that I have more feelings for you than you do for me? 
   "I think you're projecting stuff onto me," I shrugged. "Okay, then."
   I got up to retrieve my purse and the left-over latkes.
   "Why are you--? Okay, okay, yeah, you're NOT staying the night after that. I regret ever having sex with you in the first place." 
   Clark walked to his kitchen, retrieved a roll of aluminum foil from a drawer, and tore off a large piece. He very meticulously wrapped the left-over latkes in foil, then handed them to me.
   Damn straight, you don't get these!
   Numb, I took my other belongings and walked to the door. What do I say now? I turned to him. 
   "Well, have a good night," is all I could think to say, because I'm too nice like that. 
   He looked at me sadly, patronizingly. 
   I'm still hurt and perplexed over this non-super man. He probably should've just "ghosted" me, but I guess he really, really wanted potato latkes.   


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Celibacy Breakage, Superman Look-alike

Dear Sillies,
The next man to have broken my celibacy streak looks like this: 

   Cute, right? A Clark Kent lookalike perhaps. My Superman? A super man, a great guy, a decent dweeb, or another numbskull? Let's find out...

   I was in my zone, riding the on-stage high that my comedic routines unexpectedly and occasionally deliver. My lines about, well, length and inches and stuff --um, "mathematical" measurements with a mostly male audience)-- reaped uproarious laughter. To my left, an adorable man and his lovely brunette friend, cheered giddily. 
   I commented on her good fortune, assuming they were a couple. Her expression told me "No, we're just friends. You just gave me an idea."
   After the show, as I chatted with other comics by the bar, this sweet lady introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Marla." We shook hands. "You were hilarious! Can I introduce you to my friend?" she asked.
   "That's nice of you. Sure."
   Marla walked me to Clark, who sat at a nearby table. 
   "Oh, I thought you were together."
   "No. We both teach at MLK Middle School." Cool, right?
   After the introductions, Clark sat with chest pressed out: "I can give you nine inches."  His smile, endearingly intoxicated. "But it'll be in three installments." 
   "Hey, a gal's not picky," I chuckled. "I mean, this gal isn't." 
   So naturally or not, I ended up driving Clark home. I mean, I couldn't let Clark drive drunk. Right? This proceeded more chatter, and Marla's assurance that he's not a creep. I could trust a lovely woman who's a teacher with a drunken male friend teacher, right? 
   Turned out, hours later, yeah, I could trust him. Myself? Not so much. It was very fun and naughty but not to-the-full-extreme-of-naughty. Clark repeatedly requested that I spend the night. 
   "My bed is really big, so our bodies won't touch at all," he bargained.
   The night ended with Clark's telling me it was up to me to contact him "since you're rejecting me," but I got the most flirtatious, drunkenly cute smile from him and meager wave "goodbye" (after a kiss and embrace too). 
   I called the next day.     ...to be continued. I know, I'm such a tease.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Spring Time Erotica, Holy Trinity

Dear Sillies,

Spring hath sprung. Urges are surging, as Easter and Passover come close. Thus, a few friends and I are here to deliver Springtimerotica.

Please enjoy.

 Love you!

 

Monday, March 15, 2021

Saint Patrick's Day Erotica

 Dear Sillies,

You got this, my friends. You've come this far. We're here for each other, and Saint Patty's is upon us. Now go expose that shamrock and reap good luck of the most thrilling kind. Wink.


Monday, March 8, 2021

Girthiness, Celibacy Breakage

Dear Sillies,

Alright, alright, I won't be such a tease. Well, I will, but I'll try to not keep you hanging for too long...It's not nice. Guys don't like that. You don't either, and that's why I love ya. 

Part 2.
"No need to apologize, I had fun," I told Huey. 
"Cool well if your ever up for hanging out I'm down."

   Despite his grammatical challenges, and a significant size differential between us, I liked Huey's genuinely sweet demeanor. So we hung out. Err, he hung out and got me up and down and sideways and backwards and all around. He's strong and flexible that way. 

  I gotta say, though, I had severe performance anxiety every time. Huey is a man of girth - you know what I mean? (Psst: It's not Jewish.) I was astounded by the sight. We worked it out, though, and I survived unscathed.

   Huey and I took walks and went to shows and stuff too, but you don't care about that. (That's another reason I love you. You cheer when I get some).

   A few months into our courtship, I was certain that Huey's funny. I appreciated his sweetness. He's sincere and warmloving too. And Huey's honest. So honest that he told me he doesn't want to hurt me. Thus, to preempt this, Huey told me that we should have an open relationship.

   "I don't feel like you're the one, and I'm not breaking up with you, but if you're open to dating other people...?"

   I thought about it. No, I didn't really think about it. "No. That won't work for me, Huey." Damn tears. 

   Huey and I are still friendly and cordial. I was hurt and sad, of course. But there was no malice. That's relieving.  

   And honestly, between you and me, my Sillies, it's a relief to not feel the pressures of having so much to take in. You know?

   

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

A Break from Celibacy, Molly and Huey

 Dear Sillies,
   I confess, I've been holding out. Well, not true. Err, I'm not spreading it. Info, that is. I haven't kept you satisfied, not at all. I'm so sorry. 
   Truth is I've been on a nice long break from celibacy. Not because of a man, though. Because of several men. Not at once. Promise, but that's a nice thought. How caring of you!   
   I didn't want to write about any of it. It's hard. Well, not that hard, hard enough. You know? Oy. Lemme just tell you about Huey. 
   The damn "shelter in place" had been going on for about half a year. Loneliness spiked. So I went to a comedy show, where I, well, performed, and was invited to a party afterward.
   The man who invited me is a hysterical comic who's very suave and hot. 
   "I don't do drugs or drink at all," I told Hottie.
   Hottie replied "It doesn't matter, Robyn" and gave me the details.
   There I sat in the midst of a hallucinating drug trip, sober. The crowd was kind and respectful of my--ahem--puritan ways. 
   A man to my right, someone from that circuit who'd intrigued me, struck up discourse about how comedy's a remedy for depression. 
   He enticed me with his sincerity and warm smile. His belly's huge, and I picked up on a sweet innocence about him (despite the fact that he and everyone but me was drugged out). We'll call him Huey.
   "Hey, what's your situation, pretty lady?" 
   I told Huey it was my first fun night since pre-COVID and I'm  single. He stroked my arm as we talked. It felt nice. Human touch -- sigh. It'd been too long. I reciprocated.
   Huey moved in for a kiss, and then more kissing. That felt nicer.
   Partiers came in and out of the room: "You guys are cute!" "You can go outside for privacy" "Good stuff, huh? I see it's working!" A bit awkward, but I'm a fan of that molly thing. (Never did any drugs or smoking whatsoever. I swear, but I did drink a lot of girlie drinks back in the day, and I do swear like a drunken sailor lost at sea.)
   Huey messaged me the next morn: "so sorry for last night hope I didn't make you feel bad." 
                                      to be continued...

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Hot Chocolate, Jalapeno Hot!

 Dear Sillies,   

   You know that hangry feeling? Yeah, I was feeling it and grabbed a hangry bar - milk chocolate with Jalapeno and pretzels. 

   It tasted great and chocolatey sweet, until...

it didn't. Whoowee, they didn't spare on the jalapeno. Keep a jug of water close, if you try one. I forgot about the pretzels, not a strong salty flavor. Overall, this babe's properly named and is a good fix for the hangries. I give it a 9. But I hope you don't NEED one.
Be well and not hangry.
Love,
Robyn

Monday, February 15, 2021

VALENTINE'S DAY HATEFEST WINNER!! She's a Spunky One!

Dear Sillies,

   Excuse the delay, but we interrogated King Putinontheritz regarding one suspicious ballot.*   He said only "Nyet?" We didn't know what to do next, so we sent it to Florida. They shouted, "We took him back. What more do you want?" and tossed the ballot in his hole. I mean, in Mar a lago's 13th hole. It mattered not. Not every vote counts. (What do you think this is, Canada?)

   It was close, my friends. Votes were all over the place. 

*Here's the ballot in question:

Janie Junebug I know this says Janie Junebug, but I'm not Janie Junebug. No, definitely not Janie, but I vote for her.

Love,
Janie

oops

With or without voter fraud, we have one clear winner. Her entry is poignant. It's succinct, and it's beautifully hateful. CONGRATULATIONS, L. Diane, Spunk on a Stick

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.



Diane will receive a package catered to her individual needs and preferences. I believe you don't eat chocolate-gasp!, Diane, so we'll work around that. Please have your people contact mine at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. Thank you. 

Thank you all for entering and voting! 

CONGRATULATIONS to a most worthy winner!

Thursday, February 11, 2021

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Valentine's Day Hate Fest Contest!

Dear Silly Hearts,
Please vote on the one Valentine's Day Hatefest entry you like most.
Winner will receive a very sweet package. 
Enjoy raging sweetness this weekend. 
I love hating on VDay with you, and I love you.
Thank you, especially to those who entered!
 

Birgit 

Penis Van Lesbian (aka Dick Van Dyke)meets a young girl and marries her.

The broad likes very wrinkly things hanging low. Idiot


Alex J. Cavanaugh

Just give me sex...
Wait, did I say that out loud?

 

Yvonne

Wine and me
no room for thee

 

Elephant's Child

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I would rather be alone in my bed,
than share it with you.

 

Joanne

2020 Valentine's seemed like bliss
2021 lockdown - wear our best sweats, kiss

stop looking, breathing, chewing, being, I hiss
go zoom on the moon, your face I won't miss

 

Janie Junebug

See Dick and Jane. See Dick try to give Jane his dick on Valentine's Day. See Jane remove Dick's dick. See Dick cry. Boofuckinghoo, Dick.

Love,
Janie

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.

 

Geo.

Kid, you've thrown me deep into last century --Dylan, Baez: "Love is just a four-letter word", but it's more powerful than all other words combined. Be my Valentine. (29 words)