Waverlywizwackyness, Martha's sexual fetishes, A-Z Challenge

When will it end? Why did I sign up? Why do I have so many wonderful followers when I'm such a wackadoodle? Why is Harry Potter wasting his charm and skills on Trump's head? He's cursing the Trump, we wish, want and will make it so. This WaverlyWizardoo will make things right where all orange evil is concerned. We're promised. And how can we not trust this Waverly Wizard? Look, even Trump is beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have purchased those golf bags on which he had these words engraved in gold: "President Trump, Dicktator of the Universe. I'm rich. I have billions. And I'm smart. I'm rilly smart." 

Wait, will Martha steal his thunder, or will she erupt some thunder of her own?

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort).
 

The Ushdoo, Martha's Umbrella, A-Z Challenge

Usher: Free me! Let my people go!
Robyn: Wh-wait? Usher, you celebrate Passover? That's hot!

Usher: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am. I jus was tryin' to get my suitcase back from Trump Towers.
Robyn: Oh, sorry, dude. I didn't think you'd mind doing the Ushdoo. And Trump asked for one of those "Brown people" so he looks like he's not racist. And you're a cute one.

Usher, nodding: I know.

Trump:   Look, Usher, I told you 11 years ago I'd take care of it. Didn't I? I'm kinda busy, in case you didn't notice. I'm a very busy man. I'm a very smart man too. And I'm rich. I have billions of dollars. I'm very, very rich. I like Blacks and coloreds and some of the Mexicans are my servants. The others, though, they ruin our country. The Mexican Muslims are terrorists. Let's make America hate again! I mean, let's make America great again! And why'd you leave your suitcase at the reception area of a hotel with $100,000 of stuff in it? Are you mentally impotent? I'm very smart. And rich. I'm really rich...

On-line article dated 04/18/2005 AT 09:00 AM EDT

ROBBED: Usher claims a suitcase of his containing $100,000 worth of belongings was taken Friday from New York's Trump International Hotel by someone posing as a member of his posse, reports the New York Post, which also quotes Donald Trump as promising to make good on the loss. "I told him we'll get it solved," The Apprentice host said. Trump adds, referring to the missing article: "I'm trying to figure out why somebody would leave a bag at the front desk."

Martha: Did someone say "escort"? Oh, that was "Usher." Never mind. But look at me, folks. Ignore those two. I can't stand it when other people get attention.
 

"I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. *F*ck yeah!*"

The Lowlylohandoublechindoo, A-Z Challenge

Crap! We hardly recognized her when she stomped into the studio. She's grown a chin or two, and the bright sun glasses block from view her bloodshot eyes.

Lindsay said she's "f*n sick and tired of that f*n Katy Pair-of-Jugs b*tch getting so much air time."

Katy looked at her and shouted, "Roar!" then ran away.

Lohan believes she once again found a place in this world (as a substitute for Trump's hair).

We think Trump likes this Lowlylohandoublechindoo better than the Katydoo. Perhaps that's because Trump and Lohan have the same values: none.

As if the fashion blasphemy of today's post wasn't enough, Lord save us all! Martha is back again  - trying to seduce Trump and sell some Lopez sh*t. Sorry folks.

"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. A woman has needs, so I thought I'd try the Lopez look. I designed her dress, wore it, and then hung out (in more ways than one) with Meryl Streep to complain about how unfairly paid women are. It was a splendid time. Now, I'm going in search of a good *bleep.* Oh, I partnered with Walmart to promote the Lopez Lookalike Line. You can buy one of these dresses for $1 million.Ta ta! Or should I say 'Ta tas!'?" Martha attempts a smile, we think.

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate deeply regrets this Ludicrous & Lowly post. We would like to promise that it won't happen again, but some things are out of our control. Please forgive us.