New Year's Greetings and More Reasons for Celibacy

Dear Sillies,
   I hesitate to say "Happy New Year!" Happiness is such an abstract, far reaching concept. You know? I propose instead that we have a meaningful year, one filled with enough laughter and love to carry us through whatever we're slammed by.

   Now, a return to some oddities. Taken directly from on-line dating ads, here are reasons #34-39 for this single lady to stay celibate. Naturally, I added my snark.{Should you be interested in further punishment, you can find 250 reasons for celibacy in this little book. Plus other silly weirdness like fake interviews with the stars, and my series of poetic erotica.}

    Please laugh and/or be perplexed and/or be glad for your relationship status - whatever it is. 

Keep a smile, and be good to yourselves.

I love ya.
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REASON #34: I am very laid back. I speek my mind. I like to go to the movies rock concerts. Like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too?

REASON #35: The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens.Are you trying to say that you're a butthead? If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #36: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #37: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. This isn’t even craigslist. Try Zeppelin’s daughter. Her name is Scarlet, so she’s probably into threesomes.

REASON #38: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this. Sense of humor - (I laugh at all of my jokes}! (Great way to take one for the team, buddy). I don't expect you to be barbie or perfect, but I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time! I have a profoundly spiritual nature. Sweep me off my feet, Grow with me and be the yang to my yin and help me balance out the incredible male energy, passion and charisma I posses! I am worth your time! namaste. Kindly do not kum-ba-ya all kissy kissy in my garden. Namaste.

REASON #39: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Let me get this straight, you want to make a a friend who’ll commit to you for the rest of “are life's”? That’s kind of an oxymoron, and so are you.

Reasons #24-28 for Celibacy, Winner Has Job AND Teeth!

Dear Sillies, 
   Let's get back to some dating ad nonsense, shall we? Please enjoy this slew of reasons for my celibate existence these and most days. 
  Be well. Keep a smile, hope, and a stash of chocolate. 
  I love ya. ~~~(@

REASON #24: I have been single since me and my ex wife got divorced. Um, dude, why did you divorce your ex wife? In CA, you need not repeat the dreaded process. Sorry I didn’t tell you that years ago.

REASON #25: 3ft7 384lbs all hairy with warts covering the hump on my back, cross-eyed, drooling, no teef, pimpled faced, peg legged and club footed, hung like a hamster, living in a van down by the river. I'm dead sexxay. Okay okay, not really, but I figured this would at least get a chuckle or two, and if not, then you might not get my cents, since, sense yeah, that's it, sense of humor. Just ask me anything you want to know, I am an open book when it comes to myself, no need to hide anything. I beg to differ.
REASON #26: I'm a single dad with a 7 year old daughter. Absolute angle and the love of my life. Poor girl. Is she obtuse, acute, or perpendicular?
REASON #27: Have job and teeth. Winner! {Note: See competition.} Have number? Free tonight?
 
REASON #28: Hay: I am all that I am because I am not afraid to try (now that’s deep) . (Deep is a relative term. You’re relatively challenged. Aren’t you, babe?) ok now that the bs is a flying lets get real.I believe that the cup is three quarters full. Full of what, sweetie?

Spring Kugel, Reasons for Celibacy, Matzah Crack

Dear Sillies,
   Alas, spring hath sprung. With its entrance, may your spirits be lifted. I always appreciate - as much as rain is needed in California - the feeling of the sun warming my face.
   And we've a few holidays around the bend. My people celebrate Passover soon. We Jews love a good kugel too; during Passover, that would take the form of a matzah kugel. By matzah, I'm referring to a very bland big cracker. By kugel, I'm referring to a mix of tasty things - like quiche, only enjoyable.
   That said, on with my kugel post...

   Naturally, my favorite way to flavor matzah is to drown it in chocolate. We playfully call chocolate matzah "matzah crack" --it's that addicting.
   This store bought Israeli Chocolate Covered Matzah, though, missed the mark. The chocolate was chipping off in large pieces, and there's not enough chocolate to drown out the non-taste of the tasteless matzah. Thus, I was disappointed. I'd have to give this a 4 on a 1-10 scale. The intent was sweet, and it's kosher, but don't be tempted to buy this product.
   I do very strongly advise that you find and devour some home-or-bakery made matzah crack. You will LOVE it. I promise. 
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Otherwise, Dude Three and Skanky are still neighbors. I'm working, friends, on being tall - as you suggested. I've gotta tell you, though, it's not easy. Nor is it natural for me. In fact, it's simply not possible. Have you seen me? I'm only 4'8". But I love you, and I understand the sentiment, so I shall keep working on growth.
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And finally, three more reasons for a straight, single gal like me to remain celibate. What's in bold was lifted directly from personal ads. What's italicized was added by me. Enjoy.

REASON #18: Looking for down to earth girl next door. 
Dude, did you think to knock? If that doesn’t work, try the doorbell.

REASON #19: Goals dont have any  
Somehow, I’m not motivated to pursue you.

This one, Mr. Cemeteries, is my all-time favorite.
REASON #20:  need to drop about 20lb Don't drop it on your foot, babe. That could hurt. like to meet some one to see the sights with have a good dinner with, to go any further than that it all depends on the cemeteries we have, Really? ‘Cuz mutual cemeteries can kill a relationship. I think if the cemeteries is good the rest can fail. I take it you're both a planner and a plotter, is that right?

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   Take care of yourselves.
   Keep a smile and a stash of the sweet stuff.

Reasons for Celibacy #12-17

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you kindly.
And now, let's return to this series.
I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White shared a moment. Note: I look happy. Betty looks suspect. Enough banter, onto more serious matters - reasons #12-17 for a smart, straight gal to choose celibacy. Taken directly from internet dating ads, and enhanced (err, diminished) by my italicized snark, please enjoy:

REASON #12: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too? 

REASON #13: my job: union: Oakland Steel Erection
In spite of your arrogance, give me a call. Wink. 

REASON #14: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!

REASON #15: NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE. IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow: How do you coast ta cost? Do ya do it over or under ta road? How much does it cost? Does it cost less if you coast the whole way over? 

REASON #16: Looking for some real people no fake *ss
Well, look no further, dude. See photo and/or ask Betty. That *ss ain't fake.
 
REASON #17: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS; THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. Gimme a moment while I check with Human Resources. NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated.

Dude Three, The Break-up but Not the End of the Tale

Hi, Dear Sillies,
I hope life is treating you well and that you're treating yourself even better.
When last we read, Dude Three showed an angry, unattractive side.
Here we are talking, trying to smooth things out.
Note that I wrote this a few months in retrospect.

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Dude Three: I need you to respect my wishes when I say I don’t want to talk about something. Look, I’ve been respecting you all along, and the one time I ask for privacy, here we are. You turned this into a whole big production, and now you’re the victim somehow. It’s simple, just give me my space when I ask for it, but you made this into something so much bigger. When I bring something up, I just want you to listen. And I'll do that when I'm ready. You understand what I’m saying?

I shifted my head from my right to my left. We need to get through the hard times together, or this can't work. It's about two of us, not just you.

Dude Three: All I'm saying is you will respect my feelings when I say I don’t want to talk about something.

Whoa. I tried to feed his language back to him so he'd hear how he sounded. You will . . . no, I can’t even talk like that. I can't believe you said that.

Dude: Well you will respect my wishes if this is gonna work. There are a lot of things I'm private about. He unleashed a huff-sigh. This is only going to get worse.

Me: That’s not fair.

Dude: Yeah, it’s not fair to me. He'd been squirrel-y during the discourse, as if about to dart out the door but trying to sit through it. He stood up now. I'm just going to the bathroom.

Seconds later, Dude Three came out of the bathroom. I'm leaving now.

    

Robyn: I'd like a hug before you leave.

Dude Three: No. You’re just going to manipulate me into staying. You’d say 'just stay 15 more minutes,' then more time, and more time.

    
Robyn: I don’t play games like that. I was just asking for a hug.

   
Dude Three: No I’m going. He walked to the door. Come here and give me a kiss.

Knowing it was the end, I walked over and gave him a quick (final) peck when he stood under the door frame.

   The next day, we exchanged a few messages. First, I told him I needed space.
   He said "Okay, I'll leave you alone" and then “Why do I feel like we’re done.” [Yeah, Dude doesn't use proper punctuation.]

   I responded, kindly and (perhaps too) lovingly, that we are done. "I won’t be censored. I won’t be worried about what I say or don’t say from one moment to the next. I’ve been through this before and it ended in divorce and disaster. I need to feel safe expressing myself in a relationship. I woke up at 2:30am the past two mornings, anxious. My body was telling me I can’t do this. I won’t do this. I love you, and this is breaking my heart too."  I went on to say everything I appreciated about him and our time together.    

   The break-up was painful, as breakups are. Every time I go through it, I remember and can't believe how much it hurts. It's like your insides are ruthlessly yanked out of your body, sent through the world's most powerful super sized, razor-sharp bladed saw mill, then tossed out for turkey vultures to gleefully feast upon for dinner, dessert, and an after-dinner snack. 
   Yet I’m glad I did it and did it fairly swiftly.

   A month or so later, I resumed a positive outlook. But things would take an unexpected turn through a twisted set of circumstances.  
   Please stick with me for several more posts. Thanks for your patience and loyalty, my dears. You're the best of blogland's best. I appreciate you!

Dude Three, The Beginning of the End but Not Really

   Things were blissfully happy with Dude Three but yeah, I’m naïve. Plus I ignore(d) the red flags. And I need to sharpen my radar. Then again, I'm not sure I have one. I should get one, I suppose. 

   Point is, I believed his lies. He’d told me he’d only been with three women. That endeared me.  

   But weeks into our passionate courtship, Three boasted about having recently learned that he’d slept with so-and-so years ago, and she's the daughter of so-and-so. Yeah, he was proud.

   "Wait, you told me you’d only been with three women?"

   “That’s three women since Judy*” he responded. *Judy is his first of two ex-wives. Hm, so, how does marriage negate all of one’s sexual history? Is that new math? Does this mean that people who never marry are virgins, regardless of how many sexual partners they had? Oy. I believed there were only three before me; seems there were approximately 103.  

   Also, when we met, he boasted about his “great kids.” I liked him for that too - a proud dad who did right by his kids, it seemed. In time, though, I realized he’d written his daughter out of his life, and without valid reason. This was bothering me. His rage towards her didn't sit right. I needed to talk to him about it.    

    “Does your daughter get along with your son?” I broached the subject, during dinner on Halloween night.

   “I guess. Why do you ask? I’ve been thinking about her all day. I don’t want to talk about it.” He got tearful, and I took his hand from across the table. “No, don't go there!” I’d never heard him sound so angry or angry at all. “You’re not a parent. You have no right to give me advice! You don’t know—”

   “I’m not trying to give—” I let go of his hand.

   “What, you’re a therapist, so you have to ask questions? You have no idea. She’s dead to me. You have no idea what I went through for her. And I’ve been thinking about her all day. This is going to be my first holiday season without her. It’s tearing me up.”

   I slowly, quietly, took my dishes into the kitchen.

   He followed me. “Where is this coming from? We were having a great time. I brought over movies, we were going to give out candy and have a fun night. Then you made me talk about something I said I don’t want to talk about. You need to respect my wishes.”

   “Okay. I won’t ever bring it up again. I love you.”

   “I love you too, but you kept poking and poking. You made me talk about something I said I don't want to talk about." He reminded me of my ex husband, leaning towards paranoia. I began to see Jekyll’s Hyde or Hyde’s Jekyll and/or someone ugly.

   “You’re scaring me. I’ve never seen you angry like this.”

   “Oh, if you think this is angry, honey, you haven’t seen anything.”

   …Dude Three assured me we’d be okay. He needed time alone, though, so he collected his things and said he was going home.

   "I'm going to kill her," he said, standing under my door frame, "I'm not kidding." He then blew me a kiss and left.

   Whoa. Right? Scary stuff. Sigh. And I'd fallen in love with such a nice man. I thought. Again. A sudden explosion from an angry, troubled man who didn't seem at all angry at any point before this.

To be continued once more, and then more. Because even when our story’s over, it’s not over. You can’t imagine why. I wouldn’t have ever imagined things as they are now…