Seize the Day, The Frumpy Grumpy Felon

Hi Sillies,
I HAD to do this. Guess that's all I'll say about the following rap. Also, forgive a few errors; it's rough ("reign" not "rein", for example).  
Please feel well and hopeful in spite of it all.
Love you.

Celebrity Book Fails

Dear Sillies,
Please enjoy some actual Amazon book reviews of some actually famous people who apparently believe that fame makes them worthy of best seller status. Perhaps you have explanation for the final review too.

Take care of yourselves.
Love to you.

Dick Van Dyke's My Lucky Life and Out of Show Business: A Memoir
Just Plain Blah

And as for the cheating on his wife - he kind of acts like it was all her fault as she didn't like Hollywood at all. Then after dumping her for the girlfriend, why go into her death as if he really really cared??? Such self serving on his part. And of course the part where he was tempted by another actress - why bother to put that story in???

Sally Field's In Pieces

Burt Reynolds had It RIGHT: Hold stomach, 2 fingers down throat

In this 400 page book there are only about 20 pages that mention Burt Reynolds, but what stands out most to me is his reaction to “downer” remarks from the past Sally Field tried to get out to him: He’d grab his stomach and then take two fingers and act like he was about to puke. Unfortunately, this is the reaction I had to this entire whiny book.

    
As you can see, they're not only lousy writers, they're lousy cover designers. 

 

Katharine Hepburn's Memoir, Me
This reviewer sums it up best: Bad. Bad. Bad

one of Donald Trump's books~ (The title, like anything about him, isn't worth mentioning)

The title should read, How to think like a Billionaire after Daddy gives you $413 million dollars and the Saudi’ bailout your hotels while Russia gives loads of money probably laundered through his Golf Clubs!

 


Donald Trump's Art of the Deal

The only book I know that has four chapter 11s.  
Because he doesn't know what number comes next?
Because 11 is a prime number and he's way past his prime?
Because that's his I.Q.?
Because he eats 11 Big Macs per day?
or The wife is his editor? 

November 9th, 2016, And The Orange Sun Rose

My friends,
I want to post something, to put out some message . . . it's not easy. I have only the same shock and spectrum of painful feelings you're experiencing, combined with a twisted knot in my belly. So for now, and it likely need not be said in this openhearted niche of the Internet world, I'm simply re-posting my facebook status/message.

Dears, 
Quit the blame! It's destructive. The best we can do is continue to fight on the side of kindness and fairness. I've been cyber-assaulted for nearly a year by "Progressives." I've been loved and supported by some "Republicans." Every thoughtful person weighed their decision heavily and made it. Respect and don't judge them for it. Clearly, political parties and labels have morphed into globs of ambiguous mess. The best we can do is help each other survive, support each other, be kind and loving. I'm not trying to go all corny, preachy, or idealistic. [I'm too cynical for that.] I AM trying to work my own way through this. We need each other. We can't let fear and evil win. Faith, Love, Hope, Breath. I love you all. 

Wait, dear bloggies,
Two more things.
1) One thing to celebrate - It's Bryan Pedas' Birthday. Think of all the dark humor this adds to his special day. I'm so sorry, Bryan. I love you; we all do. You've been an amazing friend.
2) I've been accused of being a "provocateur" because of arguments with some "left wingers" who don't appreciate my mini-lectures about kindness. I didn't know the word, so it required a search in Google Images. Whoa. I've never been so flattered by an insult. This photo isn't even from that page - those were too scandalous to post.



We're in this together. Let's hold each other up.
Love to you.

Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate

Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.

Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."

Interview with Trump's Wife!

Illustration by Elle Brooks - Writer & Writing Coach, Artist, friend of mine

Robyn: It's hard to believe she's here today, folks. But I promised her $2 billion, and she believed me. So let's welcome the centerfold of recent controversy, Donald Trump's third wife, Melania! Melania saunters onto our stage, depressed, sultry, and promoting the slogan: "Black Words Matter!" Welcome, Melancholia! Welcome!
Melania: Tanks yous. I no, how you say? play girly-eyes! She smiles intensely and bats her lashes. I no play girly-eyes!
Robyn suddenly realizes what Melania meant to say and nods. I see. You didn't (slowing to enunciate) pla-gi-ar-ize. Then what was all that hoopla about, Melanoma?
Melania: Hula hoop, I likey, but I no play girly-eyes. I use riders. They cop-peed from, how you say? Michael Angelo Osama Bin Laden peach. She nods and smiles proudly, while waving her sign.
Robyn: Moronia, sweetie, you're not smart. Is that right?
Melania: No. I no smart. I tall. I be 5 pound, 11 feet tall. She smiles and shifts to the side. The camera zones in on her infinitely long legs and perfectly sculpted, reminiscent-of-Pippa-Middleton-but-lacking-a-semblance-of-youthful-perk butt.
Robyn sighs and wipes a droplet of saliva from her chin. Consider this, Melons, you're married to an orange mofo who's threatening humanity. He's more sexual towards his daughter, Ivanka, than you. God I feel disgusted right now.
Melania: Vodka good. I likey discuss too. It good God. It good.
Robyn, slightly exasperated: Oy, Millenia. Fifteen years not enough to learn property English? Okay, I break down. Your husband piece of *bleep* and you a grown woman - Robyn steps closer to Melania, her eyes nearly touching Melania's boobies. You choose to be sex-object for money. This no good model. Husband tries bring hate and destroy world with Penze. How this good?
Melania: I like Penis. Penis good. I no play girly-eyes, my husband first Black man Present. Melania waves her sign proudly. I no play girly-eyes! My husband he work hardly. Robyn nods in agreement. He tell me stay down and shutty up. He like top. He carry about our two color girls Sushi and Malaria. Is good. She waves her sign proudly again. Backwards they matter! she shouts, as she's escorted off the stage by the NRA, KKK, a cluster of other White redneck mofos, and...Wait, how'd she get there? Martha Stewart, dressed in tight-fitting red leather lingerie and slinging a pair of hand-cuffs. Martha stops momentarily to flip-off Robyn before scurrying to catch-up with the others who've paraded out the exit doors.
Robyn looks at the camera and shrugs. Sorry?!

The Rosiedoo, A-Z Challenge

They hate each other, and Rosie's many faces eclipse the Trump's head with this newly infamous Rosiedoo. And you thought YOU were having a bad hair day?! Warning: Don't try this at home.

Learn more about this long-standing war. Note: I respect Rosie after watching this:

Quirky Quorum of the GOP, A-Z Challenge

Trump's head balances a Quirky Quorum of Questionably Qualified Candidates-dadoodoo. In other words, the GOP panel (including those who dropped off) gathered for this glorious occasion.

Pictured below and on top of Trump, from left to right:
Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, and John Kasich.

We got a bit of a break, folks, but Martha's back, and the Queen ain't got no time for her nonsense.

Martha: When engaging in under-the-cover quickie quorums, I find it most useful to quell the antics with this quintessential quilted comforter. The earth toned, decorative stitchery includes fancy pillow cases with secret compartments in which to store insider trading secrets, handcuffs, hashish, a Nymph I Am User's Manual, KY Lubricant, and a stylish silver egg beater.

The Lowlylohandoublechindoo, A-Z Challenge

Crap! We hardly recognized her when she stomped into the studio. She's grown a chin or two, and the bright sun glasses block from view her bloodshot eyes.

Lindsay said she's "f*n sick and tired of that f*n Katy Pair-of-Jugs b*tch getting so much air time."

Katy looked at her and shouted, "Roar!" then ran away.

Lohan believes she once again found a place in this world (as a substitute for Trump's hair).

We think Trump likes this Lowlylohandoublechindoo better than the Katydoo. Perhaps that's because Trump and Lohan have the same values: none.

As if the fashion blasphemy of today's post wasn't enough, Lord save us all! Martha is back again  - trying to seduce Trump and sell some Lopez sh*t. Sorry folks.

"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. A woman has needs, so I thought I'd try the Lopez look. I designed her dress, wore it, and then hung out (in more ways than one) with Meryl Streep to complain about how unfairly paid women are. It was a splendid time. Now, I'm going in search of a good *bleep.* Oh, I partnered with Walmart to promote the Lopez Lookalike Line. You can buy one of these dresses for $1 million.Ta ta! Or should I say 'Ta tas!'?" Martha attempts a smile, we think.

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate deeply regrets this Ludicrous & Lowly post. We would like to promise that it won't happen again, but some things are out of our control. Please forgive us.

Eggplantazoodoo, A-Z Challenge

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate thought this look was a bit Freudian, but Trump insisted on wearing the Eggplantazoodoo.

"I'll show the world I have no problems with size," he insisted. "If you think the eggplant is big, look at my head!" He sneered, nodded arrogantly, and grabbed his crotch. "Oh, President Trump," you'll all say, "We've never seen such a big one before. And you'll keep saying it and saying it until you're tired of saying it. And Mexico will pay for the Eggplantazoodoo. I'll make them pay, alright. I'll make them pay. You'll ask, 'President Trump, how'd you make them pay?' I'll say 'oh, I'm a pro. I'm pro bono. Just ask any of the women from my show.'"

Music: the Infamous Eggplant Song.
Note: man in background is hilarious, especially when he brings out a tuba at 1:06.

Doggydoodoo, A-Z Challenge

Dear Sillies,

I'm back from my travels. I wasn't able to go on-line there, so please forgive my recent absence. I'll be doing my best to catch up this week. Oh, my trip? Well, Mexico and I decided that instead of a wall at the border, we'd build it around Trump's mouth. But despite our hard work and dedication to the cause, we couldn't build it fast or big enough. So we'll reconvene after Passover - I'll have some new ideas by then based on how my people built all those grand pyramids and stuff. We'll send the bill for parts and labor to Trump. (That, like him, is a no-brainer.) 

For now, Trump's sporting a doggy on his head. Not unlike my friend Bryan Pedas predicted, the candidate is herein modeling the Doggydoodoo. There's a lot of doo in this one. Naturally, a required accessory is the Dumps for Trump Poop bag. 

As a timely reminder, when I told Trump that he wouldn't be paid for this blog gig because it's pro bono, he barked: "Oh I'm a pro bono." He pawed his crotch and continued: "All the woman on my show said, 'Wow, Mr. Trump, you have a very, very big bono!"

Extra Special D addition: I'm interviewed about my book at Diapers, Detentions, and Downdogs here.  Jennifer Williams Fields asked all the right questions.

Music: Orange Mofo With a Fungus on His Head.