May Erotica Starring the Pole

Dear Sillies,

May May bring sweet, sultry days your way.

Enjoy.

Spring Erotica

Dear Sillies,

Spring hath Sprung! That said, apologies for Martha's typical intrusion in my collages, and for...

Love ya!

Happy 2026! I Miss Dick

My Dear Sillies,

Here's hoping 2026 started off well, and that it's a decent year. At the very least. May it bring love, joy, and laughter - in spite of it all. 

Do keep a smile and a stash of good chocolate on hand.

I love you.

I'm still missing Dick...

Happy Sextilis! Martha Celebrates National Underwear Day

  My Dear Sillies,   

    May this find  you well. August was never my favorite. However...

From Wikipedia: August was originally named Sextilis in Latin because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC. SEXTILIS!? Happy *smirk and childish expressions* Sextilis, my friends! 

August 5 is National Underwear Day!

In honor of National Underwear Day, nationwide events have encouraged the 80% of us who've worn the same style of underwear our whole lives*  to try something new. Here's how Martha Stewart celebrates the occasion:

In spite of this image, be well and stay sexy, friends. Apologies.

Halloween Erotica and Martha Stewart

Dear Sillies,
It's that time.
Enjoy all things sweet and naughty!

Thanksgiving Erotica, Martha without Snoop - Did He Have Enough?

Dear Sillies,

Are you ready to feast?

Apologies for this old timer, and that Snoop refused to pose with Martha. Can you blame him? Ugh.

Have an appreciative, highly satisfying Thanksgiving time and know that I'm grateful for you.

 

Martha's Chard and My Love

Dear Sillies,
She's back again! Martha, Martha, Martha! Apologies, friends. Martha Stewart signed with 19 Crimes. She's a felon, afterall. You can drink her Chardonnay now. 

Have you, per chance? Even if I drank, this wouldn't make my list.

 Most reviewers like it, so I dug a bit to find these:

• 1-star I wouldn’t even use this for cooking. Super heavy on the honey notes. Don’t waste your $. 
• 3-stars I mean it’s okay. We all know why we bought this.
• Otherwise, it's been a nice Passover-Easter weekend and springtime. 

I HATE, HATE, HATE those lovey dovey "I'm so happy with the best partner in the world" posts. Don't you? But he is a very handsome gentleman. Wouldn't ya say? The most handsome, right? Well, compared to my other exes (bar's awfully low.) And JT's fine with me posting photos of him. I had to promise I'd never capture George, for example, on my blog. When I caught a snippet of his jacket sleeve, that sent him into an anxious chastising. Really dude?!

So I AM boasting that I found one man who isn't weird. 10.5 months now, and holding (my breath). 

Take good care, my Sillies. 

I love you.

Halloween Climax: Candy Porn III

 Dear Sillies,

We needed something, anything, to pick up our spirits. So, what about those Dodgers? Woohoo! Our guys gave us their first World Series Win since I was a student at UCLA (1988). Thanks, boys! We needed this. It's about damn time. Will ya do it again if we promise not to watch in-person?

On the down-side, Martha's busting out. I'm sorry.

Have a safe, sweet, naughty Halloween.

Love you.

 

School Days, TeachErotica

Dear Sillies,
   For your sake, I sure hope none of you has to do the home-schooling thing. Yikes. I can't imagine. It's not as though a parent's job isn't hard enough. Or that they can afford to sit at home with their kids to help school them... 
   Remember when we sat in classrooms? I suppose some kids are actually still doing that now, but not around here. 
   Do you remember your first teacher crush? Do tell. Mine was Mr. K, 8th grade history class. Sigh. He was nice, fun, and dreamy.

 

Be safe. Be well. Stay smart. 

Enjoy hands-on learning, virtually at least. 

Oh, uh, sorry about the photo of Martha Stewart's Dad bod. She REALLY let herself go. 

Love ya!

Celebrity Book Fails & Review Greats

My Dear Sillies,

Are you doing alright? I sure hope so.

In an attempt to make us all feel better about ourselves, I've collected four of my favorite 1-star reviews of celebrity books.

I hope this brings smiles.
Be good to yourselves.

Hugs and chocolate kisses!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Martha's Entertaining: A Year of Celebrations ~ "This book is excellent as a doorstop."
2) Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man ~"Don't give 'the cookie,' as Harvey adolescently refers to sex, for more than 90 days and your man WILL cheat on you. Good grief, all that work just to have some egomaniacal sex addict around the house for you to wait on hand and foot - no thanks."
3) Kanye West's Thank You and You're Welcome ~ "He's dumber than my four year old cousin, and my cousin has learning disabilities."
4) Kim Kardashian: Selfish ~"They should print this on perfumed pages so blind people can hate it, too."

Martha Stewart Returns to Speak on Irrelevance

Robyn: Ladies and Gentlemen,
Start spreadin' the newwwws! a (semi) manly bare-chested Martha blasts onto our stage, flailing and kicking dramatically, as she belts out  I'm leavin' today! I want to-- Robyn: Martha! Stop! Shush! Martha, determined to finish, skips to her grand finale: New York! New-eww-ewww, YORK!!! She extends her arms to her sides and bows repeatedly for the (non existing) audience. Robyn: You've totally lost it, lady! We had a beautiful break from you---  Martha: Oh what a beautiful mooorrrning! Oh what a beautiful--- STOP! Robyn screams. QUIET! Martha stops, insulted. Well, someone hasn't gotten any in a long, long time. And I know long. I used to date Anthony Hopkins,* you know. (*True story - they lasted one year.) Robyn: Talk about scary.  For him. Look, here's the thing, woman. You're completely irrelevant. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is paying attention to you anymore. You mean nothing. How are you dealing with this vast amount of irrelevance, Martie? Martha: It's simple really. Martha smiles. Now, I've never had irregulations myself. But the best measure is to pluck a handful of nice, juicy prunes from your fresh spring garden. Oh how I miss the prison's garden! -Sigh- Slice them babies up into bite-sized pieces, and add them to my specialty salad - with a fistful of robust pine nuts and a squirt of light vinaigrette. Grope the salad with both hands to squeeze out the flowing liquid and -- Martha unleashes an excited exhale, then wipes a bead of sweat from her brow -- Oh where is my carrot? Robyn: Leave! Now! Crazy b*tch!   Robyn then turns to the camera and addresses the home viewers. I'm very sorry for these zany antics, my friends.  
Please have a safe and pleasant week. 
Keep a smile and stay silly!
You are relevant.   

 
 

Thanksgiving Erotica

Dear Sillies,
  I'm sorry that Martha had to once again ruin an otherwise hot post. Gotta give the ole gal credit, though; she does rock bladder leak underwear.
   As many of us in the US ready our tummies for hedonistic indulgence, and then some more, may you/we all feel deeply grateful for more than we can articulate.
   You, my dear loyals, are a blessing in my life.
   I'm very grateful for you.
   A thankful season to all!

Love you. Not you, Martha.
I love you, Dear Sillies. And my Bernie.

Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate

Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.

Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."

Jaggerdoo Jamboree, A-Z Challenge

It's getting stranger and stranger around here. For one, Trump's boasting a Jaggerdoo.

And Martha's so excited by the Jaggerdoo, she brought her Redneck buddies for a raucous co-ed clothing optional down 'n dirty mud-wrestling Jamboree.

Recommended side dish for this J compilation: Barbecued Tongue  

Music: Moves Like Jabba

Life by Chocolate's Year in Review, Starring YOU!! Part II.

My following rose to 707 in the spring, but it plummeted to 680 overnight a few weeks ago. At this rate, if Martha Stewart keeps invading my blog, I’ll have 16 followers by 2082. That b*tch! For now, let’s continue to enjoy the silliness that enriched Life by Chocolate in 2015. 

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said My boys like to make reverse prank phone calls when telemarketers call. They answer and say, "Dominoes pizza would you like to try our 2 for 20 deal"? Those pesky folks don't know what to say.

Gorilla Bananas  said There's no need for any writer to feel insecure about a book written by J-Lo. Some books are used as sex toys rather than read. I bet the cover is harder and smoother than Jennifer's butt.

Geo said Dang, saluted St. Pat before rubbing the charm again. Could I just number these instructions?

Empty Nest Insider said Poor Jan Brady. Did she get her braces off yet?

Pickleope Von Pickleope said Poor Stagehand Macaulay Culkin. He can't even make it to stage manager? Who does a guy have to trick with tar and a flamethrower and concussive paint buckets suspended above stairs by a rope in order to move up in the world and get some respect!?!

In July, A Beer for the Shower's beloved Peggy Sue helped spotlight one of my greatest achievements, publishing  my first full-length novel. And she's a good one (both the mentally challenged goat with an orthopedic shoe and Woman on the Verge of Paradise). Peggy and I posed for look-alike photos during a drunken chocofest.

Anthony J. Langford  said 'I absolutely did not have chocolate relations with that woman.' 'The stains prove otherwise Mr President.’

Book Dedication:
To the Readers of my blog, Life by Chocolate,
You have been unfaltering in your loyalty, caring,
encouragement, hilarity, and playfulness.
And so, my dear sillies,
This one's for you.
Lovingly.

                                       The author does not recommend this book for: 1) Children
2) The Narrow-minded or

3) Martha Stewart

She's 4 feet, 8 inches of heartfelt ferocity, and nothing can stop this post-pubescent spitfire from claiming her fairytale--not jarring tragedy, not penile incompetence, not even the explosive demise of a new marriage. Not until Robyn finds her happily ever after...alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<<>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've noticed many authors begging for honest reviews. That's weird. I'm begging for reviews - honest or dishonest, I don't care. So if you haven't already read and reviewed Woman on the Verge, and you'd like to, kindly send me an email. Rawknrobyn@aol.com.  I'll forward the book in paperbook or ebook, in exchange for any 'ole review whenever you're able. Thank you!...Okay, on with the show...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@

Giggles continued through to year's end, along with life's challenges. But we always manage to return to laughter at Life by Chocolate.

L. Diane Wolfe Are you reveling in the fact your Almond Joy has nuts? Al Penwasser said The very first thing I noticed was the hotdogs. And I felt so lacking.

Robin said think of it as "tuition." You, my friend, received one more learning experience...and they always cost. The upside: you're smarter. So, that's something. Connie said Acting like a mule's tuchas is definitely a deal breaker. Baby Sister said I've dated myself before, sometimes that's the best you can get! JoJo said It feels so wrong to think of Santa as a sexual being! Pat Hatt lol Santa will sure have a merry christmas. Mrs. Claus may catch fleas though being out with Vixen.

Jono set afire my laptop AND computer screen with this one:
You heat up the coldest winter night
With your chimney smokin' hot.
I'll bet your cookie tastes of chocolate
Now to give you all I've got.

Last but not really, and not least, my favorite comment of 2015 is...  Jeremy Hawkins asked What is going on here...I am feeling a little wrong? It might just be me... 

It's not just you, Jeremy!

Thank you, my sillies. And I'm sorry about all the obscene images. For obvious reasons, I couldn't push her off the stage.

Be safe, warm, and loved as we enter 2016. 
Always keep a smile and a stash of chocolate. 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Merry Christmas, from Me and Martha!

Please return for year-end fun.
Love to you and yours from me and mine.

A Threat to Eat Bugs, More of Your Comments, Goobye George!

I'll start with a bit of sadness. George and I made it to one week short of six months. He's a good man, and I miss him...his nice warm hands, delicious home made meals, and easy bed-side manner. Wink. But we kept hitting the same communication road-blocks, so I said "goodbye" last month. We ended with a hug and no hard feelings. It's back to celibacy, and onto more fun stuff...

~~~

More of YOUR BEST COMMENTS from my A-Z Challenge

Elephant's Child said After this challenge is over I am going to need to take a cheese-grater to my brain in an effort to eradicate some images.

 

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said How many pairs of Spanx did it take to squeeze Martha's belly and butt into JLo's dress?

 Ruth said At Walmart? If you had a million dollars would you shop at Walmart?
 

Stephen Hayes said I've little doubt that Martha has her own balls and can strap this device to them.

Michael G D'Agostino said If my prison guard looked like that, I'd have a sex scandal with him...

Jeremy Hawkins said come on who hasn't found love with a prison guard, wait I have said too much..

CWMartin said She doesn't know a sexual experience starting with "o"?...Guess she won't be needing those knee pads...

---

There are many more, my sillies, but we're onto a new topic...WOOHOO!! I MADE 700+ FOLLOWERS!!! I should thank Martie, but why? Thank YOU, every one of you! In celebration, I'm going to eat bugs -- chocolate covered ones. I'll post photos of this undertaking, and I'll review the dead chocolate covered insects too. There's a catch. I'll only do this if someone guesses the correct answer to the question below. No research or phoning a friend allowed.

This box contains 14g (one serving) of chocolate covered insects. How many grams of protein does it have? Insert Jeopardy music...

Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed old *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her "I'm so over Commoners" glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail. Let your fantasies take over from here.

Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights: A-Z'ing

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort). Gently dab the wipe onto the stain or penile head, and - viola! - the wet mess dries up immediately, and you're ready for your next house-guest. These wipes are conveniently wafer-thin, soft and delicate. You might think they're like other cleaning inventions. But these ones include a Martha Stewart label, and they're on sale at Macy's or Nymph I am for $300 per box.  Clean up your act and make the purchase. You'll be glad you did. Tootles!