My Story, Yours Too.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Weirdest Breakup Ever, Clark part II

 My Dear Sillies,
   I don't usually cut to the chase. Instead, I cut out the chase. So I'll just tell you that Clark gave me one "installment," (I suspect it was 5.5 or 5.25 inches. I didn't take out my tape measure.)
   Quality-wise, the night was dreamy. He'd brought over dinner and drinks, we talked about past relationships and what we're looking for. A positive, thick tension thickened.  
   "What do you want to do now?" he asked.
   "I want to kiss you." 
   Things heated blissfully smoothly, and we slept well too. It was a wonderfully pleasant and pleasurable night. Clark checked in the following afternoon. 
   He made a salmon dinner for me the following weekend.
   Clark asked me questions, didn't interrupt my responses to tell me tediously boring factoids about himself, and I really, really liked him.

   As soon as he bit into the salmon, Clark felt sick. A few minutes later, I was politely, apologetically asked to leave.      

   What a disappointment.

   "How about if I bring you some homemade matzo ball soup?" I offered the next day. Good move, right? I'd win him over for sure. 

   My soup turned out great. Clark appreciated it so much that he bargained for potato latkes next. I agreed, with a playful (but serious) disclaimer, "That's going to be it for my Jewish dishes, though."

   The night arrived.
   "Mm, mm, these are great! Thanks for making them."
   "Well, truthfully, I used a mix. It's too easy," I grinned. "And I had to taste-test plenty of latkes for you."
   We moved to the couch after dinner. 
   He took my hand. "I planned for you to stay the night," Clark said stoically, "but you like me more than I like you." Okay? "I hate hurting people, so I want to keep dating without the sex."
   Say what? "What would that look like? We already crossed the line."
   "Yes, and it was wonderful. But I potentially want to see other people." You're hurting me so as to not hurt me by refusing to have sex again with me because the sex was wonderful and you assume that I have more feelings for you than you do for me? 
   "I think you're projecting stuff onto me," I shrugged. "Okay, then."
   I got up to retrieve my purse and the left-over latkes.
   "Why are you--? Okay, okay, yeah, you're NOT staying the night after that. I regret ever having sex with you in the first place." 
   Clark walked to his kitchen, retrieved a roll of aluminum foil from a drawer, and tore off a large piece. He very meticulously wrapped the left-over latkes in foil, then handed them to me.
   Damn straight, you don't get these!
   Numb, I took my other belongings and walked to the door. What do I say now? I turned to him. 
   "Well, have a good night," is all I could think to say, because I'm too nice like that. 
   He looked at me sadly, patronizingly. 
   I'm still hurt and perplexed over this non-super man. He probably should've just "ghosted" me, but I guess he really, really wanted potato latkes.   


Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Celibacy Breakage, Superman Look-alike

Dear Sillies,
The next man to have broken my celibacy streak looks like this: 

   Cute, right? A Clark Kent lookalike perhaps. My Superman? A super man, a great guy, a decent dweeb, or another numbskull? Let's find out...

   I was in my zone, riding the on-stage high that my comedic routines unexpectedly and occasionally deliver. My lines about, well, length and inches and stuff --um, "mathematical" measurements with a mostly male audience)-- reaped uproarious laughter. To my left, an adorable man and his lovely brunette friend, cheered giddily. 
   I commented on her good fortune, assuming they were a couple. Her expression told me "No, we're just friends. You just gave me an idea."
   After the show, as I chatted with other comics by the bar, this sweet lady introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Marla." We shook hands. "You were hilarious! Can I introduce you to my friend?" she asked.
   "That's nice of you. Sure."
   Marla walked me to Clark, who sat at a nearby table. 
   "Oh, I thought you were together."
   "No. We both teach at MLK Middle School." Cool, right?
   After the introductions, Clark sat with chest pressed out: "I can give you nine inches."  His smile, endearingly intoxicated. "But it'll be in three installments." 
   "Hey, a gal's not picky," I chuckled. "I mean, this gal isn't." 
   So naturally or not, I ended up driving Clark home. I mean, I couldn't let Clark drive drunk. Right? This proceeded more chatter, and Marla's assurance that he's not a creep. I could trust a lovely woman who's a teacher with a drunken male friend teacher, right? 
   Turned out, hours later, yeah, I could trust him. Myself? Not so much. It was very fun and naughty but not to-the-full-extreme-of-naughty. Clark repeatedly requested that I spend the night. 
   "My bed is really big, so our bodies won't touch at all," he bargained.
   The night ended with Clark's telling me it was up to me to contact him "since you're rejecting me," but I got the most flirtatious, drunkenly cute smile from him and meager wave "goodbye" (after a kiss and embrace too). 
   I called the next day.     ...to be continued. I know, I'm such a tease.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Spring Time Erotica, Holy Trinity

Dear Sillies,

Spring hath sprung. Urges are surging, as Easter and Passover come close. Thus, a few friends and I are here to deliver Springtimerotica.

Please enjoy.

 Love you!