Celebrity Book Sales and Fails

Dear Sillies,

   If only Hollywood knew that not everyone can and should write. Put those gold studded pens down, people. Leave the writing to us lowly types. We got this.
   So yeah, I've some books you must avoid - some reviews, some personal snark, lots of well wishes.

Here's The Story

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! You shouldn't have!

Her mispronunciation of "exacerbated" as "exasperated" is only one of the recording's unintentionally uproarious howlers. McCormick has embraced the wretched excesses of cigarettes, alcohol and drugs...that is, until she meets Jesus. And I mean she literally meets him. McCormick describes a very real and physical encounter with the Son of God, whom she says knocked her to the ground and then helped her back up off the sidewalk Did she get up saying "My nose! My nose! My nose! Oh, . . . It's YOU. You're sooo dreamy!"To that, He responded, "Sorry, girlfriend. I was watching your show and something suddenly came up."?

Inside Out: A Memoir by Demi Moore

I am sick to the core that you chose to share such private and personal information about your relationship with Ashton. Completely inappropriate.She needed better advice on what to include and a ghostwriter (No pun intended.)  

Yet the pun's brilliant. 

Me: Elton John Official Autobiography 

Who am I to diss one of the world's most phenomenal artists? I'm Me. And he's Me, and so he went and wrote a book called Me. It almost brings crocodile tears to my eyes. I told my wife he went on for fifty pages about his early years and she said, "What, did he describe how he was toilet trained?" Yes. Yes he did.

Be good to yourselves. 

Love you, my Sillies.

The Tell All, Ground Breaking, Earth Shaking Interview with Queen Elizabeth!

Dear Sillies,
   She smiles bravely for the cameras. She sports a new, peppy, Canadian sky-blue hat and dress-suit designed by William is My Everything, Inc.
   Yet in an earth-shattering move, her beloved Prince Harry and his beautiful new wife Meghan, with their precious baby unfortunately named "Archie," abandoned her Majesty to pursue life in the beautiful great North that is Canada.

   Is Queen Elizabeth truly honey nut cheerios amid this shocking news, or are her royal granny panties in a grand bunch royally? Life by Chocolate has the story!
    
   First -- Robyn rolls out the world's biggest English apple fruit roll-up, which spans the length of the stage -- Let's rise to welcome the oldest, most longstanding Queen, the old one who's been standing since she took Sir Loin for her last ride (and perhaps vice versa) many a fortnight ago, Queen Elizabeth II!

   93 year old Queen Elizabeth struts methodically across the fruit roll-up, her 98 year old sleep-walking husband by her side. They stop in front of Robyn, center stage. Prince Philip drops sluggishly onto the stage floor.

   Robyn Oh my, is that guy okay?
   Queen Elizabeth Who knows? Frankly, who cares? Ta-ta, my Philly beefsteak. It was long and sometimes hard. Well, not quite long. Not real hard either. She smirks.
   Robyn I hear ya. The long, hard combo. Few are so lucky. Back to you, Lizzy. You're most important. Robyn flashes a cheesy smile at the Queen and then at the camera. I just love Harry and Meghan for breaking free! I'm all about hashtag "Go Megs and Harry," you know?!
   Queen Elizabeth's face reddens. She glares at Robyn and pushes up her middle finger as if to adjust her hat. My William are Kate are magnificent!
   Robyn Not really. William's bald. He had plenty of hair until, wait. Did you cause it? Don't answer that. Robyn looks directly at the camera. Shout out to Prince William: Rogaine! 
   Queen Elizabeth looks perplexed.
   Robyn enunciates and pushes her fists in a rowing manner along her side -- "row" and then, Robyn cups her boobies and bounces them up and down (which she appears to really enjoy doing) -- "gain."  Row-gain!
   Queen Elizabeth I know what it is, certainly. Philly needed it for his nether regions some time ago. However, are all Americans quite as rude as you?
   Robyn thinks for a moment. Yep. She belches, unplanned too.  We're rude. Stupid too. We dunno this booze-wahzee biz. Is that where Hillary started a war or somethin? We hate imperial margarine sh*t. But Harry and Meghan. Love 'em! Archie, though--unfortunate name. Surely it's easy to change your name in Canada. God bless Trudeau. I mean, what a hottie! Right? And let's be real, one can hardly change their name, much less their Depends, in your--
   Queen Elizabeth appears aghast. She shouts Up! Prince Charles jumps up and escorts her sheepishly, sleepishly off the stage.
   Robyn What can I say, people? God bless Canada! Hashtag "Go Harry and Megs but for the grace of God change your baby's name," and today's show is sponsored by Rogaine. Grow new, thick hair within weeks. Weeks! Robyn winks.  

   Chocolate cheerios, my friends! Chocolate cheerios!

The Latest in Chocolate: Chocolate Hummus

My Dear Sillies,
Some combinations should never have been combined. Like chocolate and chick peas. But I had to try Trader Joe's Chocolate Hummus for you, my friends. For you.

 

It's a healthy form of chocolate, especially when used as carrot dip. Hummus is for veggies. Right? No. It's wrong. It's fine on bread or by the spoonful. The chocolate has a rich, salty (not sweet) flavor, kinda like Nutella for vegan, gluten free, diabetic Spin instructors. I can also taste the chick peas, but it's altogether wrong. Don't do it, folks. This one should not have happened. 

But I'm a nice chocoholic, and I got this at Trader Joe's, so I'll give it a 5 on a 1-10 scale. 

Let me know what you think.

Take good care this week and always.