Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate

Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.

Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."