Celebrity Book Fails & Review Greats

My Dear Sillies,

Are you doing alright? I sure hope so.

In an attempt to make us all feel better about ourselves, I've collected four of my favorite 1-star reviews of celebrity books.

I hope this brings smiles.
Be good to yourselves.

Hugs and chocolate kisses!
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1) Martha's Entertaining: A Year of Celebrations ~ "This book is excellent as a doorstop."
2) Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man ~"Don't give 'the cookie,' as Harvey adolescently refers to sex, for more than 90 days and your man WILL cheat on you. Good grief, all that work just to have some egomaniacal sex addict around the house for you to wait on hand and foot - no thanks."
3) Kanye West's Thank You and You're Welcome ~ "He's dumber than my four year old cousin, and my cousin has learning disabilities."
4) Kim Kardashian: Selfish ~"They should print this on perfumed pages so blind people can hate it, too."

Diddle Diddle Dumpling & Anger Management

 

Part I. Diddle Diddle Dumpling, for Stephen Hayes

It's taken me approximately one month per word to complete a challenge posed by Stephen Hayes in response to this Jack and Jill rhyme pairing. He suggested writing a modern day version of the poem, Diddle Diddle Dumpling. I have no excuses for the time lag. I can't even claim that the end result justifies the wait. Sorry, Stephen.

The original Mother Goose Rhyme: 
Diddle Diddle Dumpling, my son John
Went to bed with his stockings on
One shoe off, one shoe on
Diddle Diddle Dumpling my son John

My version:  
Twittering and sexting, Don Juan John
Romps in beds with no condom on
He gets off, she gets spawn
Now two dozen kids cry for Papa John.
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Part II. Anger Management

I dedicate this rhyme, which I wrote in 1978 (age 12), to Kanye West, Mel Gibson, Reese Witherspoon, Alec Baldwin, Amanda Bynes, and all other celebrity hot-heads. [Who else? I'm sure to be missing loads of names.] 

I'd be angry too if I had no ears, my hair resembled a wilting Chia pet and my feet, white bricks. But I was only 12. [My current cartooning's worse.] Since this rhyme is hard to read, I'll type it here: 

KEEP YOUR COOL!

When you're down and feeling low,

Don't let hatred let you go,

Despite the angers you may get,

Always Remember, "Forgive and Forget!"

Last Week's Baby Naming Discourse Between Kim and Kanye

Imagine the brilliant discussion between Kim and Kanye when deciding to name their baby "North West." They really did. I snuck into her hospital suite last week when they stopped a game of Spin the Bottle to discuss what to name their yet unborn girl. It went down like this:

Yo let's go wid Beyonce, best name of all time!

But like I want Kim Kay.

Check it out! It's a rhyme!

B*tch! That would make her initials be KKK 

She'd ruin my image 

Of a chill Black dude. No way!

So like let's flip a coin.

Do you call 'heads' or 'elbow'?

'Heads!' and I flipped it. 

Where'd that f*cker go?

Like I don't see it now. Guess we both lost the bet.

So then we should name her after the state where we met!

Cool. I like sh*t like that!

She'll be our little L.A.

But we met at a NY strip club

When I was on my vacay!

Then North West it is. F*ck ya, it's agreed!

I so seriously like it. 
She'll never get teased.