Celibacy Breakage, Superman Look-alike

Dear Sillies,

The next man to have broken my celibacy streak looks like this: 

   Cute, right? A Clark Kent lookalike perhaps. My Superman? A super man, a great guy, a decent dweeb, or another numbskull? Let's find out...

   I was in my zone, riding the on-stage high that my comedic routines unexpectedly and occasionally deliver. My lines about, well, length and inches and stuff --um, "mathematical" measurements with a mostly male audience)-- reaped uproarious laughter. To my left, an adorable man and his lovely brunette friend, cheered giddily. 

   I commented on her good fortune, assuming they were a couple. Her expression told me "No, we're just friends. You just gave me an idea."

   After the show, as I chatted with other comics by the bar, this sweet lady introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Marla." We shook hands. "You were hilarious! Can I introduce you to my friend?" she asked.

   "That's nice of you. Sure."

   Marla walked me to Clark, who sat at a nearby table. 

   "Oh, I thought you were together."

   "No. We both teach at MLK Middle School." Cool, right?

   After the introductions, Clark sat with chest pressed out: "I can give you nine inches."  His smile, endearingly intoxicated. "But it'll be in three installments." 

   "Hey, a gal's not picky," I chuckled. "I mean, this gal isn't." 

   So naturally or not, I ended up driving Clark home. I mean, I couldn't let Clark drive drunk. Right? This proceeded more chatter, and Marla's assurance that he's not a creep. I could trust a lovely woman who's a teacher with a drunken male friend teacher, right? 

   Turned out, hours later, yeah, I could trust him. Myself? Not so much. It was very fun and naughty but not to-the-full-extreme-of-naughty. Clark repeatedly requested that I spend the night. 

   "My bed is really big, so our bodies won't touch at all," he bargained.

   The night ended with Clark's telling me it was up to me to contact him "since you're rejecting me," but I got the most flirtatious, drunkenly cute smile from him and meager wave "goodbye" (after a kiss and embrace too). 

   I called the next day.     ...to be continued. I know, I'm such a tease.

Let's Hear It for the Boy, Love!?

My Dear Sillies,

How's November treating you?

I'm at a Grecian airport in this photo. A book that's been providing cozy, delightful comfort these days, I Love You / Now Go Away, was also a big hit among my travel buddies. They took photos and/or jotted down the title. This one's a jewel, my friends. Dawn Weber, national-award-winning humorist, and my friend at Lighten Up, wrote it on her Smartphone. The whole book! Written on a Smartphone! That takes more smarts and savvy than I'll ever have. It's a hearty, human and hysterical quick read that'll keep you laughing throughout. (This recommendation is completely unsolicited, needless to say. Read it and you'll be grateful, needless to say.)

On the topic of love...

A recap: Dude Three had explained and apologized for his previous case of cold feet. He'd been trying to get over an ex, he told me. Yeah, whatever. Dude, man up or leave me alone. (Right?) Chicken sh*titude does not intrigue me. But that cute smile of his - sigh.

Then came a message a few days later: "I'm wondering if sometime this weekend you'd like to go for a picnic at Bidwell? I think that would be fun."

He did it! I felt a strong urge to provide immediate, positive reinforcement. Plus, relative to the other chicken sh*ts I'd been meeting, this one was clearly a winner and a champ. Did I mention my weakness for a man with a charming smile?  I was also drawn in by his apparent honesty mixed with a dash of vulnerability.

"Why yes, I'll gladly accept the invite," I responded.

We proceeded to make plans.

Let's hear it for the boy! Would he be my Romeo? My lovin' one man show? You've gotta understand. Oh, oh, oh, oh...Sorry. To be continued.

Be well, my friends. 

Take care of yourselves, and have a good week.

A Splash of Celibacy and Suburbia: Don't Worry, This Isn't Another Quality Book to Add to Your Reading List!

I judge a book by its cover. If an author puts zero effort into a book cover, I put zero effort into reading it. But if an author, say for example, gets drunk on chocolate for the sake of a memorable if not embarrassing book cover, by all means, everyone who can laugh should make the purchase. Hypothetically speaking. Say, for example, it's only a few bucks for the e-book and less than ten for the paperback.  And you'll laugh until you cry, for example. 

                       Cover art by my friend and Graphic Designer Helen Duval.
Paperback here. Ebook here. 
I'm told they'll marry and be on same page (as if marriage works that way) this week.

Celibacy and Suburbia is NOT another relevant book to add to your growing pile of literary brilliance. No, this 78 pager provides countless typos by single men seeking "nteligent womans;" Author Engel's brazen and failed attempts to seduce Taylor Swift and other famed hotties half her age and twice her height; Queen Elizabeth II's shockingly disturbing horse fetish; and to alas end this run-on-and-on sentence, poetic erotica for every month of the year. Oh BIG Santa, take me on your sleigh.

A friend said this one makes for good bathroom reading. Not that kind of bathroom reading, Al!* Well, whatever works for you. But it's not that long. I mean, the book. Oy vey, look what you started, Al! 

Extra thanks to Bryan Pedas, Janie Junebug, and Captain Alex for helping me put out. Geeze, Al, quit it. I meant: extra thanks for helping me put out Celibacy and Suburbia.

*I tease Al Penwasser because I love him, and he's the best at commenting on my comments about my commenters' comments. And Al's written a number of excellent hilarious and heartfelt books. I highly recommend you buy, read, and review them.

Please also have fun reading, laughing and sharing my third one: Celibacy and Suburbia!

Thank you kindly and lovingly, my dear sillies.

Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate

Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.

Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."

Naughty Teacher: TeachErotica!

It's back to school time, and I'm a strong proponent of higher education. Learning is good. Learning by doing, even better. Gentle yet decisive individualized hands on guidance? As good as it gets! Enjoy. Wink.

PS I had all sorts of tech issues when I attempted to post an updated version. Thus, I'm subjecting you to Martha and her Dad bod. So sorry!

 

This and a year's worth of poetic erotica are coming soon to an Amazon link near you. I'll be publishing Celibacy and Suburbia. (I'm currently awaiting a paperback copy to proof, before I decide on the launch date.) Also in Celibacy and Suburbia are 250 dating ads with my mockery, plus a slew of interviews that I did for the IWSG/Insecure Writer's Support Group. It's a fun and zany 77 pager. More news to come.

Take good care of yourselves, dear sillies.

You are loved, by me and many others. Hopefully, this does NOT include Martha.

Celibacy and Suburbia

Dear Sillies,

I'm pulling together a mishmash of blog funnies for a little book: Celibacy and Suburbia - to be published soon-ish. One of its sections includes 250 reasons for celibacy. Here's a sample from the middle of that list. You might've seen these before. I take faith that they didn't bore you then, and they won't bore you now.

Taken directly from internet dating ads, embellished by my italicized snark, please enjoy reasons #125-135 for this straight single woman to celebrate celibacy.

125) Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?  
 1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.

       2) Hooked-on-Phonics for you.

126) Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!

You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!

127) I like holding hands and candles.

Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers as you do the lit candle.

128) You had me at let's make out!

You must’ve misunderstood, sweetie. I said “Get the hell away from me!”

129) there is no spoon...

No spoon? Stick a fork in it!

130) What Good is Sitting Alone in Your Room?

It’s great for reading, writing, talking on the phone or masturbating, to mention a few.

131) Do you have it in you?

Not right now, babe, but I hope to on Saturday night. 

132) Guaranteed more fun than your ex!

It’s good to set the bar low.

133) Helpwanted  

Okay, babe. The space-bar is just below the bottom row of letters. Tap it gently with either of your thumbs.

134) I am your density...

*gripping a hearty roll of belly fat*. Funny, I thought that was all the chocolate I eat.

135) Born with a Bow Tie 

Did it hurt your mommy’s inner-nether regions?

Be good to yourselves, and have a calm week, my friends.

Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.