Revival of Reasons for Celibacy! Reasons one through five

Dear Sillies,
   Nearly eight years ago, Life by Chocolate created a flimsy stage and quiet but sassy home here. For most of this time, I was (and perhaps am - to be revealed) celibate. Of all my blog series', this one, Reasons for Celibacy, was far and away the most popular. Your comments have had me in stitches too.
   In recent years, though, some key dating sites --for example, a "fishy" one-- stopped allowing free searches. You have to set up an account. Seems they were onto me. Thus, I ran out of new stuff and stopped posting.
   Yet there's too much good material here, right? Hundreds of reasons for a sweet, smart gal like me to choose celibacy. And very few of you graced our studio in days of ole. Even if you remember some of these, I'm hopeful their value hasn't diminished in time. Please, my friends, enjoy this long overdue Revival of my Reasons for Celibacy.
   Note: These are actual on-line dating ads or scraps thereof, combined with my actual snark (bold italics).

REASON #1: Note the specific categories to which this guy responded, because he clearly did not.

MY ETHNICITY: I feel like u should treat somebody with respect and like they are a person not a peice of meat or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. Sounds like you’re one of those misunderstood mutts who has to check the “Other” box a lot. I know your pain.
MY RELIGION: I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them Are you trying to say that you're a Mormon?

MY PETS: I consider myself to be very simple. I see this. I believe that women needs to be treated with respect and as a equal partner in a relationship, but all I seem to find is the ones that does not know how to respond to that or is untrusting to it. Honey, that's likely because you consider ‘a women a equal’ to your pets. Do you serve them cat food in a bowl, or do they eat it straight from a can?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #2: A man that will stick to the oath of for better for worse and till death do us part i am not saying i am looking for a perfect man but the right man . I don’t know if you skipped Sex Ed. Day in 5th grade, but you do know that you are listed as a man seeking a woman. Right? There's nothing wrong with any of it, except that you clearly copied and pasted a woman's ad without even reading it. The more I communicate with you, the more fascinated I am becoming. I am very definitely interested. We are very definitely at a very early stage of a relationship Whoa dude. Now, you're creeping me out. I didn’t correspond at all. In fact, I’m avoiding any interaction, because you are a lazy weirdo. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #3: I am a firm believer of freewill. Freewill? Isn’t that the movie about a boy who falls in love with a killer whale? Cool, I believe in that stuff too! I must connect with persons who also believe in solid freewill. Oh, “solid freewill.” The whale’s pretty burly. Is that what you mean? I mean freewill Yeah, I got that much; of choice with no regrets, Hmm just understanding about life’s gifts and lessons. Enjoy every moment possible for tomorrow may bring the end of those moments Not good. A sobering thought. which is fine when you appreciate the time spent with another. The future will always come to give us a hopeful interest and enlighten our lives. How does that work, if tomorrow may be the end? This is why I respect others and pay attention to each person’s character, which I may fully connect with the ones they and I choose to connect with in a mind, physical and emotion relationship. This freewill stuff doesn't work for me. I think the Director had a different tone in mind. Excuse me while I ride my solid freewill outta here in search of Moby Dick or something that pleasures me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #4: I have a mother so, you don’t try to do my chores and I will make the effort to view your comments about your life as an expression, as such I will try not to see them as problems to fix. Deal?! Who could refuse such a warmhearted deal? Tell you what, sweetie, what you and mommy do together isn't my business. Deal!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #5: Just to be completely open, anyone who claims to be a Liberal should just pass me by. I'm only interested in women who can actually think for themselves, so therefore they cannot be a Liberal. Just to be completely open, my brain cells are simmering right now. I think I'm having a thought. Wait! Here it is: You are single for good, good reason, sir. I thought up that one all by myself.