I'm pulling together a mishmash of blog funnies for a little book: Celibacy and Suburbia - to be published soon-ish. One of its sections includes 250 reasons for celibacy. Here's a sample from the middle of that list. You might've seen these before. I take faith that they didn't bore you then, and they won't bore you now.
Taken directly from internet dating ads, embellished by my italicized snark, please enjoy reasons #125-135 for this straight single woman to celebrate celibacy.
125) Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?
1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
2) Hooked-on-Phonics
for you.
126) Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!
You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given
time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what
about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head
throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!
127) I like holding hands and candles.
Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers
as you do the lit candle.
128) You had me at let's make out!
You must’ve misunderstood, sweetie.
I said “Get the hell away from me!”
129)
there is no spoon...
No spoon? Stick a fork in it!
130)
What Good is Sitting Alone in Your Room?
It’s great for reading, writing,
talking on the phone or masturbating, to mention a few.
131) Do you have it in you?
Not right now, babe, but I hope to
on Saturday night.
132) Guaranteed more fun than your ex!
It’s good to set the bar low.
133) Helpwanted
Okay, babe. The space-bar is just below the
bottom row of letters. Tap it gently with either of your thumbs.
134) I am your
density...
*gripping a hearty roll of belly fat*. Funny,
I thought that was all the chocolate I eat.
135) Born with a
Bow Tie
Did it hurt your mommy’s inner-nether regions?
Be good to yourselves, and have a calm week, my friends.
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.
