Martha Stewart, Alphabetized and the IWSG

Happy April Fool's Day! Speaking of fools, Martha Stewart said this on TV in 2013: "Who are these bloggers? They're not editors at Vogue magazine. I mean, there are bloggers writing recipes that aren't tested, that aren't necessarily very good, or are copies of everything that really good editors have created and done. So bloggers create kind of a popularity, but they are not the experts, and we need to understand that."

In response, I said this. My point, and a message I wish to convey for April's IWSG, is: Laugh! Don't take yourself too seriously and go all snobby-clueless-fool like Martie. Someone might think you're an expert at something. Or request a gluten-free vegan homemade quiche. Or offer one. And you might land in the stony lonesome. (Thanks, JustKeepinItReal, for that phrase.)

Now, on with the show.

   

Hi, I'm Martha Stewart. Of course, you knew that. Everybody does. But perhaps you didn't know that I'm hosting the A to Z Challenge here, as an act of charity and to introduce my new 

Adult Lifestyle line. Pictured here, for the letter A, I'm wearing my

Attractive And Aesthetically Appeasing Anklet 

for House Arrest

I stole this beauty from Chico's Clothing Store in Chico, CA. That's the same city where the *bleep* who runs this blog lives. You see, I wanted to get a lay of the land or - well - a lay, but oh, those small town hicks aren't tasteful enough to bed me. But I have friends, and dogs, and batteries, and this jeweled anklet that shimmers with a delightful burst of bling. You'll find it especially useful for those times when you're under house-arrest and hosting what Lindsay Lohan and I like to call -Martha raises her index and middle fingers, then curls them over to indicate quotation marks- "tea" with the real housewives of Beverly Hills or New Haven, Connecticut. *Wink.*

Woman on the Verge, Meeting Prince Charming

   Seemed I'd finally found my Prince Charming.
   We met on a camping trip planned by mutual friends.
   I arrived late, the passenger of a lengthy car trip with Mr. Camptastic, who discussed the merits of a framed vs unframed (or is it vice versa?) backpack, while I fell asleep.
   My gal pal, Shira greeted me upon arrival, then introduced me to Justin. The two of them had set-up a tent for me. I had no camping equipment of my own. Still don't. [I bring the s'more ingredients whenever I camp. That's about it. That's all you need, I figure.]
   Here's the scene from my to-be-published book, Woman on the Verge of Paradise.
   I hope you enjoy. Have a good week, as we ask March, "Why must you leave so soon?"     
   Take care, my friends.~~~~~~

   Shira led me to a picnic table in the middle of the campsite.

   There, a man focused peacefully on an open book that was propped against a lantern. He appeared short and with fair features.     

   Justin wore a tan cowboy hat and dark leather jacket zipped up just enough to reveal a silver Jewish Star that graced a modest chain.  I’ve never been drawn to the Boot Barn type before, but he looked like a nice guy. And he gets bonus points for being Jewish, I thought.

   Shira broke his silence. "Justin, this is Robyn. Robyn, Justin."

   He placed the opened book face down. Justin’s eyes twinkled of an amber or hazel, I couldn’t quite tell at night. His smile was warm, as was his handshake.

   I looked down at his book and immediately knew that a connection with Justin not only invited, but required, my banter. "'Fabulous Small Jews by Joseph Epstein?' Talk about a short book. Are you in there?"

   Shira chuckled at my quip and looked towards the tents, likely contemplating leaving us alone.

   "I don’t know yet," he smirked. "I’m still reading." 

   "What’s that?" Shira asked, pointing at a mound of something resting near the fire-pit several yards away.

   Justin and I watched her walk over to it. Shira giggled, while she lifted two little things that looked like stunted logs.

   "Well, there’s a bootless little cowboy running around these here parts," she joked, walking back to us with a pair of children’s cowboy boots.

   "Oh, those are so cute and tiny!" I remarked.

   "Might they be yours, Miss Robyn?" Justin asked.

   "Very funny, Mr. Fabulous Small Jew."

   And so it had begun.

   At last.

 

Martha Stewart, Alphabetized: The Preview

In a desperate ploy to reach 700 followers, I asked Martha Stewart to host the A-Z Challenge at my blog this April. In turn, Stewy said, "Well because your blog is...how shall I put this?...a shlocky, tasteless a piece of *bleep,* mind you, in need of a dramatic upgrade, I'll do it. But only if I can attain proprietary rights to the gentlemen who pose with me for the alphabetized photo shoot." With my fingers crossed behind my back, I told her, "Sure, *bleep,* I promise that you can keep N's Naughty prison guard and all the rest." So...
Coming soon to a screen near you:

 MARTHA STEWART

GIVES NEW MEANING TO ADULT LIFESTYLE!

Pictured above:  V's Vaginal Vac

 MARTHA STEWART

SHE'S DARING.

                                                                             D's Daring Dominatrix

MARTHA STEWART 

 SHE'S RAUNCHY.

R's Raunchy Red Rascal Ready-for-Action Attire

MARTHA STEWART
 SHE'S ALPHABETIZED!

Carolyn Brown and I are proud members of Jeremy Hawkins' A to Z Challenge Minion, The Letter Group, Inc.

Last but most importantly, this year's Challenge will be dedicated to blogland's dearly beloved friend and former Challenge powerhouse, Tina Downey.

Reasons for Celibacy, # 333 - 340! aka, Quality Solo Bedroom Time

Though I'm glad to have George in my life these days, I'm determined to continue this series. How can I not? There's too much good material. So here we go with reasons #333 through 340 for a smart single gal to choose celibacy - lifted from actual, current dating ads. [Note: You might think that these ad blurbs don't adequately represent the modern day pool of eligible bachelors. I agree. In person, it's even worse.]~~~Be well, my friends. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate. Enjoy the weekend!~~~

 

REASON #333: You had me at let's make out!

You must’ve misunderstood, sweetie. I said “Get the hell away from me!”

REASON #334: there is no spoon...

No spoon? Stick a fork in it? Cut it up? Dig in with your hands and feet?

REASON #335: What Good is Sitting Alone in Your Room?

It’s great for reading, writing, talking on the phone or masturbating, to mention a few.

REASON #336: Do you have it in you?

Not right now, babe, but I hope to on Saturday night. 

REASON #337: Guaranteed more fun than your ex!

It’s good to set the bar low.

REASON #338: R U the 1 ! 

No. Why might you think so!

REASON #339: Can you make me jump on Oprah's couch? 

Do you have liability insurance?

REASON #340: For our first date, we can go anywhere except -name of a bar-, because I’m banned for life after firing a plastic arrow into the owner’s eye’s on Halloween, while dressed as Cupid. In my defense, I was aiming for his girlfriend, but confessing to flirting with his girl probably won’t get me back in.

I’ understand your dilemma, sweetheart. While I’ prefer a steady shot like George who nails the target effortlessly, kudos to you for the funniest ad I’ve’ seen in a long time.