Special Report & Friday Follow: The Coconut M&M

RawknRobyn (RR): Ladies and Gentlemen, Pirates and Atheists, I am somewhat thrilled to bring back to our studio the blogosphere’s one and only Powdered Toast Man! Please take a seat, ladies. You too, PTM. You can let them sign your chest later.

RR: It’s good to see you again, Mr. Powdered Toast. I must say that even before you reviewed the pretzel m&m, you were clearly excited up about the mere concept of the coconut m&m. In fact, your enthusiasm seemed rather unnatural. How do you explain this, and –the question we’ve all been dying to know: Do you have a fetish for coconuts?

Powdered Toast Man (PTM): I am addicted to coconut; it is like my crack or chocolate for you. I would inject coconut intravenously if I could figure out how. Is it a fetish if I smother Nicole in Coconut Crème Pie every other day?

RR: I’m not an expert in the field, not quite yet. I am, however, currently working on my Ph.D. in Coconut Fetishes and Those Who Love Those Who Have Them. Thus, I can say quite confidentially – I mean confidently- that you are at high risk of a Coconut Fetish Disorder. (PTM nods, grateful to have gained such insight into his problems.)

RR: Tell me, how would you describe the coconut m&m? Please keep your answer limited to 17 words or less. Budget cuts and all.

PTM: I only need one word to describe the coconut m&m and that word would have to be........

RR: (Looking at her fingers, having counted 17 of them somehow) So close! Tell us, what are the positive attributes of the coconut m&m?

PTM: - They cured my Polio.
- I gave some to the monster in my closet, and he promised not to scare me for a week.
- A tasty alternative to Viagra
- They are pre-husked unlike actual coconuts.
- They don't taste like chicken.

RR (looking excited, and ready to give PTM a high-five): You’re right! They do taste better than Viagra! –High five happens at this juncture- I finally found someone who agrees with me on that. Tell us, what are its flaws?

PTM: - These ones don't talk like in the commercials.
- They do not cure Rubella or the Mumps.
- The gas station won't let me pay for my gas in coconut m&m's, even though I paid my cell phone bill with them.
- Do not make mac & cheese with them.
- They do not make a good suppository.

RR (nodding in affirmation, with a somber expression, almost tearful): Yes, Viagra is better for that, I must say. I’m not a big fan of the coconut, but we all know how I feel about chocolate. Do you recommend the coconut m&m for folks like me?

PTM (looking highly puzzled) How can you not like coconut? Coconut and chocolate go together like lamb and tuna fish. What, lamb and tuna aren't a good combo? Who are you to say what tastes good together?...... Oh, so as camera-man #3 you have a degree in culinary arts?..... Oh, you do. Where did you attend?..... You don't say, that is a really good school. So how did you become a camera-man then?..... I see, sorry to hear that. Those bear traps can be quite tricky. I'll give you my # after the interview, we can have lunch. Do you like Chuck E Cheese?

RR (Red faced, she looks at Camera-man #3, unbuttons her top button and sticks her chest out towards him.): What’s going on? I was supposed to get a Big Mac tonight!

Camera-man #3 is now attempting to write his phone number on PTM’s chest. Audience says, in unison: “Ooohh!” RR drop kicks the Camera-man through the big glass window – Audience says, in unison: “AAhhh!”, and the interview continues as if nothing just happened.

RR: Between the pretzel and the coconut m&m, which is your preference, and why?

PTM: Definitely the coconut ones by far. The pretzel ones didn't quite taste what I thought they would taste like. I didn't notice when I ate them but a lot of other people say that the pretzels taste stale. Also I wasn't chased or kidnapped by pirates this time around. I still have rope burns on my inner thighs from being tied up.

RR: Will you incorporate the coconut m&m in any part of your upcoming wedding festivities?

PTM: Nicole's engagement and wedding ring are 23% coconut. I purchased them together to save money and so they would match. I want my ring to be at least 35% coconut and 30% chocolate. We are also not having a traditional wedding. No dress or tuxedo. We are both going to wear giant m&m costumes. She, of course, will be wearing white and I will be wearing red. The bridesmaids are wearing licorice bikinis and the groomsmen are sporting fruit roll-up banana hammocks. We will make sure that there is no eating during the ceremony.

RR (Smiling and imagining this fantasy wedding, her face and the Camera-man’s superimposed on Gilligan and the Professor’s bodies. The Camera-man has a large scar from the drop kick): Oh, sorry, we’re just about out of time. Budget cuts and all.

RR: Thanks so much for this very entertaining and informative interview, Powdered Toast Man. Congratulations on your growing following that has hit the 3-digits, too. Plus, we're all looking forward to celebrating your blogiversary with coconut m&m's.

RR and PTM shake hands. Lights fade. The last two camera men run scared. The audience continues to give a standing ovation for hours.