Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel, aka And it Aint Pretty!

My friends, do you know what it’s like to be scraping the bottom of the barrel? It ain't pretty, let me tell you. In fact, let me show you. Come along as we laugh at current ad blurbs from a few of the most popular Internet dating sites. Take my hand. (I’m scared.) Wait, you really should close your eyes, hold your nose, and cover your ears first. You’ll thank me later. I promise. Here we go..

I could be wrong (It happened once), but I think these dudes are trying to bring on their funny.
BACHELOR #1: Knock Knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU CLICKED ON MY PROFILE?? Actually, no, you funny, funny and oh-so-cool man. In fact, I just developed an aversion to oranges. And you.
BACHELOR #2: By the way, I know by reading this, you may think that I am conceited. You will be happy to know that I used to be conceited (What a relief!), but know (Is the “k” silent or did you forget how to spell “now”?) I am perfect. Did I mention my great sense of humor? Yeah. Did you used to have one of those too?

BACHELOR #3: A date of mine recently shared with me that men expect to visit to her bedroom on the 3rd date. I say, "why so long" ??? (just kidding of course). Yeah, this wildly funny approach will get you into many women’s bedrooms (and drop-kicked off the balcony).
I really can’t tell if this one is trying to be funny or if he just has a bowel-bladder disorder. BACHELOR #4: Ways in which I think it would be fun to spend our time together run the gamut from domestic ease to wild adventure (which is defined as being cold, wet, tired, hungry, and having to go to the bathroom).

The barrel’s bottom always offers mush, bitterness, and confused punctuation.BACHELOR #5: I,m looking for a partner that stands by your, Side no matter what life hit them with. Not one leaves her partner and gets a new one. When times get hard. Please lets be truthful to each other . Makes life so mush better so we don,t have, To put on a mask and make up lies . There,s to mush of that now . Poor guy. He’s clearly been through mush struggles with unfaithful women and mistaking the comma for the apostrophe. They do look mush alike.
BACHELOR #6: I'm 35 years old,good looking Athletic body with blue eyes,looking for jewish woman,sweetcaring,lo ving,intelegent that have a jobfor long releshinship and to araze femely. What language are you striving for, bozo? I might be jewish, sweetcaring, lo ving, and intelegent, or I might just be lo. At any rate, I’m afraid I don’t have a jobfor long releshinship, and I’m scared to try to araze femely. Oh, so close! Play again - in someone's else's yard.

BACHELOR #7: Of coarse I like to share some common interests and qaulities. But I like exspanding my horizons. What better way than to meet somebody new and different than me? Of coarse you do, qaulity man. Upon meeting new people, it’s advisable to meet someone other than yourself. That helps exspand the ‘ole horizons in a unique way. Of coarse.
Are these guys trying to attract or repel?BACHELOR #8: So, my wife and I split up a few weeks ago, and... What? That didn't scare you off already? Amazing! Actually, my first new relationship in ten years will be fun and exciting.

BACHELOR #9: Short form: aspiring mensch with ticking biological clock seeks indomitable gal for lifelong adventure and kick-ass offspring. How is it that you are the only man in the world with a biological clock? Moreover, how is it that you can possibly think this abnormality will endear a woman? (P.S. Those monthly visitors are a b*tch. Aren’t they?)

Bachelor #10 was already eliminated, so that’s it for this post’s scrapings. You may open your eyes, unclog your nose, uncover your ears, and thank me now.