Exposed! aka Why I Choose to Spoon Chocolate

I’ve been spooning (i.e., eating with a spoon) lots of chocolate as of late. I know you're not surprised, but I’m doing it even more than usual. My personal recommendations for this devilish activity are nutella and Smucker’s hot fudge topping. As far as spooning goes, chocolate is clearly my best option. I mean, look at a small but rather representative sample of today’s prospective internet daters. Then, tell me you disagree. I dare ya.


BACHELOR #1, Mr. Liar ~A month or so ago, I received an email from a potential BDFH (blind date from hell). His profile boasted a gorgeous photo, one that looks similar to the dude above (Mike from Jersey Shore), though more handsome and less exposed. Now, why would this guy be emailing me from across the country? The man in the photo is not someone who would need to look beyond state lines, much less beyond his own bedroom, for a woman. It didn’t take a genius or a thumb tack to figure out that something was fishy. (It’s a good thing, too, ‘cuz I’m neither of those.) Upon further intensive research via the page scroll function, I noted that he weighs 276 lbs. As you can imagine, I was highly aroused by my suspicions (and by the photo) at that moment. Here’s his message:


Hey Beautiful, my name is Mr. Liar (Note that I gave him a more fitting name ) am 36 years old, i Saw ur profile and it is very nice i will like to know you,am sorry for the inconvenience. I am looking to meet new people. I am an outgoing, intelligent, honest, hard working person,i value honesty and reliability. a good sense of humor is attractive to me. im very social and optimistic. im looking for someone with the same qualities, i also have a bit of a wild side, hope u, who loves to go out and have a good time.I love children and I am God fearing.I like snow and water skiing,You are so cute dear, If you really believe in LOVE, If you want to have a future with a man who naturally knows your heart, then take my heart and let embark on a journey of bliss pleasure,contact me or add me on my IM…XXXXXXXXMr. Liar
Here’s my response:

Hi Mr. Liar, Thank you for your message. You look very handsome, but I'm confused. That picture is not a man who weighs close to 300 lbs. Is that really you? If so, how long ago? Best, Robyn

Here’s his response:


Here’s his response again:


You see, Mr. Liar did not respond. In fact, his bio has been removed. Perhaps this happened by some Higher Intervention, leaving Mr. Liar more God fearing than ever. He does value honesty and reliability, after all.

Therein disappeared the fat liar who naturally knows my heart. Therein explains my increased spooning of chocolate. But wait, there’s more!


BACHELOR #2, Mr. Simpleton~Here’s a little bit from someone else who viewed my profile, with my comments in italics:

I AM A SIMPLE MAN (clearly!) WHO LOVES NATURE AND OUTDOORS ACTIVITYS. (Such as spelling competitions in the wilderness, perhaps?). I AM NOT A LOUD PERSON NOR A BRAGER. (It’s a good thing, because nobody is a true brager, Mr. Simpleton!) I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE TO DRUG USE, OUT OF CONTROLL DRINKING, AND LIERS. (But what do you think about liars and out of control drinkers?) At least you show us who you really are. Mr. Liar could learn a thing or two from you. Good luck to you, and I’ll see you at the international spelling bee championships next year in Jerusalem or somewhere outdoors.

BACHELOR #3, Mr. Family Orianated ~Easy going family orianated not hard to please. (Does anyone know what “family orianated not hard to please” means?) I like the outdoors along with any activities. Not a profectionest (You’re not a pro at fectionism? Sorry dude, but that’s one skill I’m definitely looking for.) but like things in place and a place for every thing (mise en place) (“mise en place” - WTF!?) Have no degree in any particulair field (Not even in English Language? Could've fooled me!) of study but have been schooled in mid-managment and culinary arts. Currently working on my masters degree of life in general with no surprise has brought me to this avenue with the hope of meeting that special person. May you find someone very, very special, Mr. Family Orianated. This gal's disorianated.

So my dear readers, all I’ve got left to say at this point is: Let the spooning resume!