WINNER, WINNER, Catfish Dinner!

Dear Sillies,

We have a winner! It was close until the final voting hours.

A feline diva takes this year's victory! Sorry, SWS, I hope she won't be even more insufferable. But oh, her poetic savvy. 

BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Her Royal Highness!

Thanks to all who submitted and voted and visited. I love you. Enjoy the day and buy chocolate TOMORROW when it's on sale. 

Here's this year's winning entry:

Dedicated to all the many tomcats out there who broke my heart over the years:

"This is for you

Without paradox --

A heart-shaped poop

In my litterbox."

Valentine's Day Hatefest! Let the Voting Begin

 DEAR SILLIES, VOTE FOR THE ENTRY YOU LOVE TO HATE THE MOST. Please note too that Debra She Who Seeks was honest. HRH, not so much. That diva. SWS reached out to see if she could enter even though HRH had already done so. I told her that we all want to see her entry. None of us can control that feline diva.

Enjoy. We're voting for the fun of it. ---------------

Birgit

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I'd rather be dead
Than eat that chocolate doo doo.

 

Her Royal Highness

Dedicated to all the many tomcats out there who broke my heart over the years:
"This is for you
Without paradox --
A heart-shaped poop
In my litterbox."

 

Debra She Who Seeks

At least I have not quit.
I still have a chance.
At least I have not hit
The rock bottom of romance.
At least I'm not a total shit
Like couch fucker JD Vance!

 

Joanne

My official entry. Note - I'm married to a Texan. 37 years. Pray for my soul in these dark times. I'm not necessarily trying for the pity vote....but, whatever works

Lover turned MAGA
Sadly my life ain't funny
All I can do
Is turn up Bad Bunny

                                     ------------------------------------------------

I love you, Sillies!

Antidote Chocolate Review and our February Hatefest!

My Dear Sillies,

Time for a chocolate review. This Antidote chocolate, tagged "chocolate that loves you back", contains anise seeds and sun-dried tomato. Hmm, interesting. Would you try it?

Well, I did, and I did it for YOU. The bar's 70 percent cacao and relatively low in sugar (24 grams). Marketed as "artisan" and made in Ecuador, one Antidote bar will cost you approximately 12 USD. 

I lucked out! I hadn't noticed the price, and there wasn't a price on it. The lovely checker decided to charge me $4.99. Woohoo. 

My critique? Well, it tasted sour and plastic-y at first. But I enjoyed a sweet and smooth aftertaste. The anise and tomato don't over power the candy; it's a well blended mix. So, yeah, decent. Yet I still find it outrageously priced, unless you're lucky like me. 

All in all, I didn't love it. It didn't love me back. 

I'll give it a 6 out of 10.

NEXT: It's February. We know what that means. Get your creative juices flowing for Life by Chocolate's annual Valentine's Hatefest. 

Post an anti-Valentine's Day slogan, graphic, haiku or whatever in my comments section. Or post it to your blog and reference it here. 

You'll vote on the hate you love the most. Our winner will receive loads of attention here, at the very least. So even if you've won in the past, HRH, enter again this year. Only one entry per customer please. Ready, set, show us your V Day hate!  

February and My Annual Anti-Valentine's Day Contest

Dear Sillies,

February's here. My dear loyals know what this means. Yep, we love to hate the Valentine's Hallmark Hershey commercial and all-out nauseating complex for singles everywhere, because that's exactly what we need, an added complex. Yeesh!

This year's challenge is to keep it short. Submit an anti-Valentine's Day slogan in 10 or fewer words. You'll vote on the winner. I'll decide from there. (I might need to consult with HRH.) See in the past, you've been so generous as to forgo the prize because you felt undeserving or won previously...So I'll figure out an appropriate means to pay tribute to the most loving hateful submission/s.

And, go...

Anti-Valentine's Day Contest Winner!!

Dearest Silliest of the best of Sillies, 

'Twas another fabulous Anti-VDay fest!

Thank you to all who entered, but no thanks to HRH for disqualifying Debra She Who seeks before Debra even had a chance. 

Our winner and new champion, who truly killed it, and will thus receive a very sweet mailing from our administrative team: 

Entry #1:

With you dead,

I'm alone in my bed.

ready to enjoy Valentine's Day.

At last.

Elephant's Child

CONGRATULATIONS, Elephant's Child! You deserve this and that empty bed. We all love you. 

Have a sweet, bittersweet, OR sour day, my Sillies.

Whatever you do, don't buy Hershey today or any day. (See Joanne's entry in post below.) 

Second place goes to our belovedly hilarious Birgit! See hers and the other wonderfully hateful entries too.

I love you, my darlings. 

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Valentine's Day Hate Fest Contest!

Dear Silly Hearts,

Please vote on the one Valentine's Day Hatefest entry you like most.

Winner will receive a very sweet package. 

Enjoy raging sweetness this weekend. 

I love hating on VDay with you, and I love you.

Thank you, especially to those who entered!

 

Birgit 

Penis Van Lesbian (aka Dick Van Dyke)meets a young girl and marries her.

The broad likes very wrinkly things hanging low. Idiot

Alex J. Cavanaugh

Just give me sex...
Wait, did I say that out loud?

 

Yvonne

Wine and me
no room for thee

 

Elephant's Child

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I would rather be alone in my bed,
than share it with you.

 

Joanne

2020 Valentine's seemed like bliss
2021 lockdown - wear our best sweats, kiss

stop looking, breathing, chewing, being, I hiss
go zoom on the moon, your face I won't miss

 

Janie Junebug

See Dick and Jane. See Dick try to give Jane his dick on Valentine's Day. See Jane remove Dick's dick. See Dick cry. Boofuckinghoo, Dick.

Love,
Janie

 

L. Diane Wolfe

Give me your heart...so I can grind it into the dirt.

 

Geo.

Kid, you've thrown me deep into last century --Dylan, Baez: "Love is just a four-letter word", but it's more powerful than all other words combined. Be my Valentine. (29 words)

Valentine's Hate Fest Contest!

 

Elizabeth Seckman's Ode to the Battery!

Happy Pro Self Love Day, week, year, lifetime, my Dearest Silly Hearts!

Happy Day before ridiculously priced waxy cheap chocolate with the most ugly of stuffed animals and nearly dead flowers get knocked down to 1/2 and 3/4 off, my Dearest Silly Hearts!

Happy Day in which...
 WE HAVE A WINNER!!

Elizabeth Seckman's 

Ode to Batteries
Rayovac, Duracell
Powered up they’ll ring the bell
Energizer, Eveready
Won’t even ask that you wear a teddy

   My good friend, Elizabeth, will receive a wonderfully sweet package. No batteries included. I take it, you're stocked up, Elizabeth.

Much love to you all.

LOVE YOURSELF publicly, privately, first, last and always.

You are all you have - besides your hand (that's a little, or not so little, nod to Pat Hatt) and batteries!

The Annual Anti-Valentine's Day Contest, Pro Self Love!

Dear Sillies,
   It's that time.
   You have one week from today to submit an anti-Valentine's message.
   You'll vote for the winner. That winner will receive a very generous and sweet chocolaty package. 

   Rules:

•    SELF LOVE is the theme.

•    Message must be under 36 words.    

•    You need not keep it perfectly clean (we're here at Life by Chocolate, after-all).

•    Entries may be submitted in the comments or, if you prefer, sent via email to Rawknrobyn at aol dot com.

•    DUE by day's end, EST, FEB 12th.

I love you.
Love yourself - in public, in private, first, last and always.

The Date to Hate Contest Winner!

Dear Sillies, 
   The polls closed late into the night last night. Votes were tallied and re-tallied. It was a close struggle. We suspect possible Russian collusion, but we know our citizens are good with some fowl (or in this case, goat) play. So now, I present to you this year's Life by Chocolate's Anti-VDay Winning slogan - the best of the worst attempts to seduce:

Baby, 

I am ready to float your boat.

I've been practicing for years 
on my pet goat. 

Our winner is our very own, the one and the only, a friend to all...felines and goats, Mr. Pat Hatt!

Thank you to all who entered.

Congratulations, Pat! Pat Hatt will receive a nice, sweet WINNER'S package!

Sympathies to your pet goat. 

Sweetness to you, my dears, today and always.

You are loved.  

   

Announcing the Winner! Anti-Valentines Giveaway

What a wild ride this giveaway took us on...Airport security returned Al Penwasser's unidentified substances with a note attached. That note included the words "no fly." Further investigation revealed a full statement suggesting that Al Penwasser never unzip his fly again. Hm, strange.

We ignored Al's fly and found a three-sided coin in order to fairly determine the winner. Al Penwasser, Elizabeth Seckman, and Janie Junebug fought a spirited battle for the title. They were even seen sharing spirits.

"Quit backwashing, Al. I hate sloppy seconds!" Janie shouted.
Elizabeth politely declined, stating, "No thank you. I never drink." She then snuck backstage for a shot of vodka.
Al suddenly ran into the restroom. Our crew tried to open the door to see if he was okay, but it was locked. Hm, strange.

We left Al alone and watched eagerly as stagehand Macaulay Culkin kept tossing the coin. It repeatedly landed in Hillary's favor. Hm, strange.

Alas, we decided to end the madness by counting ballots. But we needed to first discard all of Janie Junebug's repeat votes. Our high-security team deciphered these because a set of ballots had this statement written across the back: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Janie Junebug, in exchange for a vote." Hm, strange.

And the winner of a very sweet package is...

4) Janie Junebug FOR THIS HEARTFELT SENTIMENT:

      Fuck everybody.

Love,
Janie

Congratulations, Janie! Even minus your illegal shenanigans, you won! 

Thanks to all of the candidates and voters. You have proven yourselves among the silliest of the most silly.

A great, sweet week, my dear silly friends.

Thanks for the laughter.  This one was a doozy.

Love Hate, Anti-Valentines Giveaway Special Report

Dear Silly Lovers of Love Hate,

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate love your love-hate. Citizens came* from far and wide to cast their write-in comments and votes. We need another day or so to analyze the competition.

I'm highly disturbed to say that Al Penwasser's entry had some *unidentified fluids that need be run through airport security. Janie Junebug's numerous identities, added to a few seemingly legitimate voters she'd clearly done personal (i.e., sexual) favors for, but whose names aren't listed on our travel roster, confused us even more. While Elizabeth Seckman imparts a clear, clean, wise message, the race is too tight to call.

Tune in tomorrow (Or Tuesday. Sorry. We're really confused and need some more time to toss a coin) at Life by Chocolate for the polling results.

Sadly, two candidates didn't drop out willingly. I kicked them out. Yet I love them. Their entries were hysterically original. Please enjoy and HAPPY CHOCOLATE DAY, my friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elsie Amata

I think someone needs to write a poem to Cam Newton. He was a grumpy cat last night:

Poor Cam you got sacked
in the process your shoulder looked jacked
I'm sorry that your team got beat
and you walked off the field in defeat
at least your team made it to the big game
my team, the Giants didn't, how very lame
no Super Bowl ring for your Valentine this year
only chocolates, flowers, and some salty tears
maybe this will humble your arrogant ass
remember this too shall pass
 

Cheryl

OK, I was shooting for a limerick but most of my poetry just gets long winded. Here is my thought..Valentine’s Day Bust

He sat on his chair, immersed in despair
As he pondered the path of his life.
It didn’t seem fair, being only one in a pair
when all his buddies had acquired a wife.

But then he heard ‘her”, though her speech was a slur “Honey, would you buy me a beer?
His vision quite hazey, am maybe it’s crazy,
But he said “Let’s get out of here.”

WELL…He awoke in a bed with a pain in his head
The events of the night but a blur
He looked to the right to a troubling sight.
The parts he saw weren’t a “her”.

Yep, not to be crude but the babe was a dude.
This isn’t quite what he thought it should be.
He might of got laid, but mistakes had been made.
His dream women was clearly a “he.

So if you are in a bar and your drunker too far
for choosing your companion for life
If you’re wanting a chick make sure there’s no d…
Well…Depending on what you want in a wife.

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! ANTI-VALENTINE's GIVEAWAY!

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HUMOROUS VALENTINE’S HATE.

Polls will close at midnight on Saturday, 2/13.

WINNER WILL RECEIVE A VERY SWEET PACKAGE.

(Please excuse weird extra column of numbers. Due to budget cuts, our studio recycled ballots from Florida. Thank you.)

 

1    1)  fishducky  

You love me.
I love me.
Isn't it nice that we have something in common?

2    2)  Elephant's Child

Surrounded by men who believe that they could get knotted, this Valentines Day I may take up macrame.

3    3) Yvonne
Dear Cupid, you're stupid. Just die but don't forget my chocolate. Love, me.

4       4) Janie Junebug

Fuck everybody.
Love,
Janie

Al Penwasser, #5-7

5    5)  Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me with no skivvies?
PU

6   6) A Valentine Haiku
(Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)
Dozen red roses
Box of milk and dark chocolates
Just me and my hand

7   7) As Valentines approaches
I wonder what I'll see.
Probably stern reproaches.
Because the only one who comes?
Is me.

8   8) Elizabeth Seckman Love is in the air. Be sure to wear a mask.

9    9) Elsie Amata  Poor Cam you got sacked
in the process your shoulder looked jacked
I'm sorry that your team got beat
and you walked off the field in defeat
at least your team made it to the big game
my team, the Giants didn't, how very lame
no Super Bowl ring for  …See last post to read the end of this one. I’ve cut it at 50 words. Rules and all. Poor Cam. 

1    10) Jono It's meant for Martha.
Good Riddance Valentine

Oh, how I hate thee so
You’re like a dung beetle
In clean white snow
Your voice sets me a wailin’
With a shriek like Sarah Palin
With hatred I get my fill
From your breath of old roadkill
And with this final word
I flush thee like a turd

    11) Pat Hatt On this loving day
I'm sorry but we're through
With myself I'd rather play
While I search for someone new
Some advice you have earned,
So here it is in full
Your skin would not be burned,
If you hadn't rode that bull.

1     12)   Delores "It's Valentines Day. I'll ignore it if you will."

1    13)   Connie

Valentine's Day Veto

Some are stressed,
trying to prove their love,
to pass some unwritten test.
Those who are alone are made to feel
that their lives are somehow less.
Don't bring me any roses,
no heart-shaped chocolates or jewels.
Valentine’s Day is nothing but
a made-up day for fools.

1    14) Geo. I'm still waiting for Lupercalia to come back so I can run naked down the road.