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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy #216 - 223: The Selectivity of a Momma Monkey

Hi, friends. Lifted directly from men’s on-line personal ads, and embellished by my italicized snark, I now present reasons 216 through 223 for [not just me but] any straight, single woman to choose celibacy (and a stash of re-chargeable batteries).  The ads always tend to amuse as much as they perplex. Enjoy.

REASON #216: I'll know you're it when I fund you!! Fund me, babe, and I’ll know you’re it!!

REASON #217: looking someone just to spin time Spin time? Sorry, hon. I’ll do low-impact aerobics or 12 minutes of zumba, max, but I draw the line at spin time.

REASON #218: Life is for the Living So what’s your stance on zombie rights?

REASON #219: Seeking intellegent person.  Keep seeking, sir. Perhaps she’ll show you how to use spell check.

REASON #220: I know. i should have used spell chick Spell chick? Vanna White? I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first to use more thing on texting,the word suggestion thing is just plan rediculous,it replaces dating with eating,so it i ever text you and I say "I wouldn'r mind eating you" don't take it personal. Oh crap! All the times I obliged a man who wanted to “eat” me, and he didn’t mean it. Oops!

REASON #221 is just painful: no an I have too choldern Lookining to meet som sone fun atractive goutgoing an ounist thets also understanding that nobodys pefeckt

REASON #222: Someone between Lady GaGa Mother Tersa 
Between an outlandish man-woman performer and a saintly sister missing an “e” who’s been dead for 16 years? Well, at least you’re not as picky as the next guy:

REASON #223: I’m pickier than a momma monkey so good luck ladies!

Have a good Monday and new week, everyone. 

To my friends in the US, Happy President's Day.

~~Today and Tomorrow: Writers4Writers features Melissa Bradley and Gwen Gardner


  1. The last guy may have a point about momma monkeys. They are indeed picky about the women they date, unless the women supply them with food, in which case they're not picky at all. So maybe he's saying he expects you to cook for him. Alternatively, he might he "picky" in the sense of picking up things like fruit, shiny objects, insects, etc. Might be useful for doing the housework.

  2. I think that numbers 216-222 (not including #218)could all benefit from a spell chick, and Vanna sounds like the right candidate for the job. I'm not sure what #223 is intent on picking, but I do know that it won't be pleasant.

  3. So, just how picky IS a momma monkey, anyway?
    Number 220 - I'm not even going to touch that one.

  4. I need a spell chick. Or maybe I don't. That could either help writing productivity or severely hinder it, depending on how pretty she was.

    Also, something between Lady Gaga and Mother Teresa sounds like a nightmare. A Catholic nun who wears a meat dress and feeds the starving children while partying with gay men in a club. Who wouldn't want that?

  5. I guess he hangs from the trees with monkeys and knows how picky they are haha oh and women are just as bad, I found some and did a post to run later at my pad haha

  6. GB, I was hoping you'd enlightened us on the mating habits of the momma monkey. And you did. Thank you.

    EmptyNest, sounds like 223 wouldn't even settle for a spell chick. Good luck to him.

    Alex, I was wondering that too. Good thing GB enlightened us. You're a smart man to avoid the "dating"/"eating" confusion.

    BnB, good point about the spell chick. Her spelling skills wouldn't matter. Great description of something between Gaga and Mo Teresa.

    Pat, I can't wait. I've read some women's ads, but there aren't nearly as entertaining as men's. Still, they are pathetic, right?


  7. This has to be the most woeful set of ads in this entire series, the spelling is just horrendous in all of these, it's funny how some of these guys think they're such catches, demanding for an intelligent girl despite obviously not being that intelligent themselves if they can't even spell simple words correct in their dating advertisement.

  8. #216 is going to run out of money soon if he keeps that up. Your reply to #218 had me cracking up. And #221? I really have no words for that. I couldn't even tell what one of his typos was supposed to mean...

  9. Maybe the spin fellow just needs a good ride to get his spelling straight.

  10. Spell chick... oh dear, what a disturbing concept! :P

    And #221... um... nope, no words for that one, just shaking my head.

  11. EVERY time I read these, I feel sorry for you ladies that you have to "canoodle" (yes, a euphemism) with dudes. I swear that, if I was a woman, I'd be a lesbian.
    I'd also be one ugly broad, but that's another story.
    Happy President's Day to you, too. Do you have the day off? I do and plan on celebrating it by dressing as Teddy Roosevelt, start a fight between my neighbors, then, when they're not looking, dig a canal in one of their backyards.

  12. YW, you're right - they are getting worse and worse.

    BabySis, yeah, 216 isn't the sharpest tack, but he sounds like a generous soul. I was too pained by 221's ad to study it. Is it even in English?

    John, a good "ride" - that's what all these guys need, right? ;-} That, and some intensive mental health support.
    Thanks for the return follow.

    Lexie, I'd like the assistance of a spell dude, but only if he's cute. I too had no words, for a long time, in response to most of these.

    Al, I've been inclined to switch teams too. But then I think about double neuroses and PMS and/or menopause and someone else stealing my chocolate and going ballistic on me for no identifiable reason, and I go back on a man hunt (i.e., celibacy).


  13. PS Al, I had to work. I'm tired. I strongly believe Abraham Lincoln deserves his own holiday. Why pair him with Washington? What did Georgie do but fess up when he was caught (having chopped down a cherry tree)? Don't all men fess up when caught? This is all to say that I like the way you celebrated President's Day. xo

  14. I loved all your picks and comments, particularly your comment to #222 -- that was hysterical! :-)

  15. I hate it when I forget to use spell chick. Makes me sound like I'm not a very intellegent person!
    You're hilarious, mah dear!!

  16. This is pretty funny, but I have to say so is Al's comment. Wondering how that canal digging went.

  17. I know exactly what #221 is looking for. I hope he finds it. These were one of the best ones I've read of your celibacy posts.

  18. People are so stupid, it's amazing that the species hasn't died out. But then again, the dumber a person is, the more they breed.

  19. Loves me some women wit gout...
    "spell chick!" Ha!

  20. Thanks for making me laugh even more, my friends.

    I hope you've been having a great weekend.