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It all started in 1st grade. With his blue-green eyes, dirty-blond hair and adorable dimples, Danny was going to marry me. We'd live in a big yellow house with a brown and white striped cat, an apple tree on the front lawn, and an apricot tree in the back. But when Valentine's Day came, he gave Kristy -that sleazy bitch!- a Valentine with a big red heart that said, "Will you be mine?" What did I get? A f*ck'n lousy card with a freckle-faced boyish-looking girl in raggedy jeans holding a baseball bat. The stupid message: "Hey sport, Happy Valentine's Day!" Thanks, Danny. Thanks a lot! And Valentine's Days have gone downhill ever since...So let's celebrate.
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Complete this message in no more than 50 words conveying anti-Valentine's Day sentiment (not including these 4 words): "Dear Cupid, Will you..." Be inspired, and not intimidated, by the fun entries below. The winner will get some fair-trade chocolate and an autographed copy of my book, Just the Right Time. YOU, dear readers, will place your votes when all the contributions are in. So, spread the word, eat chocolate, and be a hater. Because I love you.
- Pat Hatt said...Dear Cupid, will you take your arrow as you float around like a sparrow and pull down your diaper putting it on your head, then to make sure valentine's day is good and dead. Latch onto that arrow with such class that you shove it up your ass.
Stephen Hayes said..Dear Cupid, would you please put on some clothes, maybe some nice
red Underoos. You're suppose to be the god of love but seeing your
little pink body is a real distraction and a major turn off. -
- Adam said..Dear Cupid, will you please explain how I got called ugly that one time I took a guest tour at that blind school? Seriously that was cold.
- *real events may not have happened*
-
Yvonne said...Dear Cupid,
- Enough already. I get it. I'm un-cupid-able.
Now go away. Die a thousand deaths. But please leave some chocolate
for me. Help a sista out.
Love,
-me. -
Anne said...Dear Cupid. On a Midsummer's Eve, whilst dancing under blazing
trees, a man so fair of form you struck for me. And I for him did fall
so true, in love it seemed. For passions spent in a glen that night did
bring forth great delight. But gone, with suns rise. {Sorry, Anne. I'd add the "Will you" but that puts this over 50 words. I didn't even notice, though. I hate to admit I'm honing in on 50 myself.}
- Chuck said..Dear Cupid: "Will you PLEASE give Robyn her dream date!!! For the love of chocolate, help her find the string cheese."And to somewhat quote Tom Skerrit in Top Gun, "if you get to V-Day and need a date, give me a call, I'll be your Valentine ;)
- Powdered Toast Man said...
- Dear Cupid, will you shoot Justin Bieber with an arrow so that it
either kills him or makes him fall in love with a horny porcupine.
-
- A Beer For The Shower said...Dear Cupid, will you please remove this protruding arrow from my chest? I know you're just trying to help, but now the woman I'm wooing doesn't want to kiss me, she seems to think I need urgent medical attention.
PTM for the win!!!
ReplyDeleteI think that PTM's is the best although Beer For The Shower Made me laugh, when don't they though? These are all great, that's a sad story about Danny too, I've felt that kind of heartbreak in the past before and it sucks. Anyway my attempt haha, I AM intimidated by these awesome attempts though:
ReplyDeleteDear Cupid, Will You pull out some cupid magic to stop anybody from asking me what I'm doing this Valentine's Day? From a guy who's beginning to sound a little jaded when he jokes "I'm going on a date with my television" time and time again.
Oh please...PTM, blah blah blah...Bieber is an easy target...get it?
ReplyDeleteI like the medical attention one..I laughed.
I like Adam's entry (ooh, that sounds dirty). He shoulda caught a clue when the the blind kids kept treating his body like a sheet of braille, though.
ReplyDeletehaha the blind one was good, Bieber needs more than an arrow, prob just make him hit another high pitched note
ReplyDeleteDear Cupid, Will you keep your arrow in your quiver?
ReplyDeleteLast year's love match made me shake and shiver.
Instead of fair-trade dark chocolates,
You sent me week old chopped liver.
The other entries are better, but I told you I'd come back.
P.S. When this is over let's go TP Danny's house!
Julie
haha
ReplyDeleteI liked Beer for the Shower and also Empty Nest just there.
Mine (rushed) is Yo Cupid, Will you get it right? I live Down Under so you mixed upside the head. You delivered the wrong one to me, so now I sleep beneath the bed.
=]
x
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEntries are still being accepted, folks.
ReplyDeleteAlex, thanks. I won't count that as your vote until all candidates have entered and polls officially open (Feb 13).
YW, I hear ya! And that's a great contribution. Thanks. I wish they'd all shut-up about V Day.
Chuck, Bieber is an easy target. Good one, with the double meaning there. (Psst, you'd still have my vote if I were the judge.)
Al, that's terrible and terribly funny. On Adam's behalf, do note that actual events might not have really happened. (?)
Pat, yes, Bieber needs more than an arrow.
EmptyNest, I knew you'd come up with something cute and clever. And, yes, thanks for riling the troops to hit Danny's house. I've got the TP.
xoRobyn
Dear Stupid, will you...Oops! I'm sorry, I meant "Cupid." Every year I hope to fall into a coma the day before Halloween and not wake up until the day after your day. Oh yeah, I HATE roses sealed into acrylic more than anything. Stupid dust catchers...
ReplyDeletenice
ReplyDeletevalentines day wallpaper
How can you expect me to be in the mood for humour after reading about what Danny did to you? What's all this 'Happy Valetine's Day' shit anyway, it's not like Easter is it? I liked the sartorial advice from Mr Hayes.
ReplyDeleteAnthony, we were responding at the same time, so I didn't catch yours. I love it. I laughed out loud. Thanks.
ReplyDeletePat, love your V day venom. Thank you.
Asqa, thanks for visiting. Happy chocolate day (i.e., every day) to you.
GB, you're a sweet friend. Thanks. Mr. Hayes offers sound, humorous advice.
xoRobyn
These other entries are great. Lol
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! Is it that time already?
ReplyDeleteI'm going with ABFTS.
ReplyDeleteCan I get your book made of chocolate so after I read it I can eat it?
ReplyDeleteBabySis, thanks for entering. Yours is great too.
ReplyDeleteRuth, yes, get your entry in now. =)
Anne, thanks. I'm going to post a vote now "ballot" shortly.
PTM, um, yeah, sure, it's in the mail. Like that'll ever happen. I already ate it.
xoRobyn
Valentine's Day? Bah, Humbug!
ReplyDeleteJohnny, I agree. Thanks for visiting. Sorry I didn't leave a comment on your blog; I couldn't figure out how.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
Ooh high fives for hating on Valentine's Day. Dear Cupid, how's about I give you a taste of your own medicine and stab with your own arrows, over and over and over again, leaving a bloody, ruined wreck?
ReplyDeleteMelly, I knew I'd love your hateful entry and I do. Sorry you were a tad late. Thanks for jumping in, though.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs and high-fives backatcha.
xoRobyn
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