Monday, December 13, 2010
Holiday Shopper Chatter
One fun thing, the only fun thing, about holiday shopping is eavesdropping on shopper chatter. There's a little extra bite to everthing people say and do this time of year. Here's three conversation snippets from my last few shopping adventures. Note that my responses are my fantasy responses. I now regret that I didn't speak up.
Setting: Wal-mart, during my biennial excursion. I'm in the shoe aisle, and the store is shaken by an irate shopper. I don't know if anyone actually saw her, but she was surely heard by all.
Customer, shouting: Where are the wife beaters? Tell me where I can find wife beaters! Nobody's helping me. What's wrong with you people? You don't even don't know your own merchandise! Where are the f*n wife beaters? That's right. I'm an angry customer!
Me: As much as I'm staunchly opposed to domestic violence, someone PLEASE get that woman a wife beater to shut her up! I grab a cashier's mic and announce: "Wife beater to aisle 16. Wife beater to 16."
Setting: Alameda Town Center's outdoor shopping mall, nearing a chocolate shop. Yuppie 30-something'er parents stroll three steps ahead of their four year old son, their poodle leading the pack.
Boy, whining: But I just want some chocolate. I want some chocolate.
Mother, in an I'm so cool tone: Quit moping. Do you like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Because your face is going to stay that way if you keep whining. She laughs, humored by herself.
Boy: But I just want some chocolate.
Mother, in same arrogant, patronizing manner: WELL, I want an airplane. Tell ya what, you get me a plane, and I'll get you some chocolate. She giggles with her husband, both amused by her obvious cleverness.
Me, playing the Social Worker card: Look lady, I'm a mandated reporter, and -raising cell phone- I'm about to contact Child Protective Services. But I'll give you one more chance. Get your boy some chocolate, and we'll just pretend this never happened. That includes your asinine comparison of a plane to chocolate. In this day and age, you think a plane can measure up? You really aren't the sharpest tack. Buy him chocolate, and treat yourself to a sense of humor while you're at it. I raise my cell phone again.
Setting: TJ Maxx, in between Men's and Women's clothing.
Teen, lifting hanger to show a jacket to his mother: How about this one?
Mother: If he were a pimp, that would be awesome.
Happy holiday chatter, one and all! xo