Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate

Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.

Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."

Naughty Teacher: TeachErotica!

It's back to school time, and I'm a strong proponent of higher education. Learning is good. Learning by doing, even better. Gentle yet decisive individualized hands on guidance? As good as it gets! Enjoy. Wink.

PS I had all sorts of tech issues when I attempted to post an updated version. Thus, I'm subjecting you to Martha and her Dad bod. So sorry!

 

This and a year's worth of poetic erotica are coming soon to an Amazon link near you. I'll be publishing Celibacy and Suburbia. (I'm currently awaiting a paperback copy to proof, before I decide on the launch date.) Also in Celibacy and Suburbia are 250 dating ads with my mockery, plus a slew of interviews that I did for the IWSG/Insecure Writer's Support Group. It's a fun and zany 77 pager. More news to come.

Take good care of yourselves, dear sillies.

You are loved, by me and many others. Hopefully, this does NOT include Martha.

True Love & Woman on the Verge of Paradise

Kindly note: I am standing closer to the camera with knees slightly bent and less of a curly top. This is to say that I appear even shorter than I am. I swear, I'm slightly taller than him. Really, I am.

Last week, very special people visited Chico; my nephew and I had such a great time. Here we are in the Chico Plaza. A snippet from Woman on the Verge of Paradise follows. It takes the reader to 2010, when I'd just said "goodbye" to my then three year old love bug.  I've learned through J. that true love takes many forms and has no end.

---

 They’d only been gone an hour when one lone tear trickled down my face. I didn’t expect or quite understand my emotional state. We had such a great, fun-loving time. I couldn’t get enough of my nephew, but I’d see him again soon.

   Why am I feeling this way? I wondered. It was as if I’d said “goodbye” to someone I loved dearly. That’s why; I had.

   But this was different than having said “goodbye” to Justin when I went away for a weekend, or having to continue to say “goodbye” to Justin every day for perhaps the rest of my life. It was a softer, warmer, much sweeter “goodbye.”

   It struck me that I had just said “goodbye” to the love of my life, the new one. Being Josiah's Auntie is pure heaven. His beautiful beaming smile, flavored with a heaping teaspoon of mischief, tickles my heart.  He adores me too. I can tell by the way he body-slams me with an elbow to my rib cage, a choke-hold taxing my windpipe, and a stinky foot pressed leisurely against my nostrils—all accompanied by ferocious laughter. 

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Please take care, my friends. 
I know that some of you are really struggling now, and my heart is with you.
Love yourself and know that you are loved.