Celebrity Book Fails

Dear Sillies,
Please enjoy some actual Amazon book reviews of some actually famous people who apparently believe that fame makes them worthy of best seller status. Perhaps you have explanation for the final review too.

Take care of yourselves.
Love to you.

Dick Van Dyke's My Lucky Life and Out of Show Business: A Memoir
Just Plain Blah

And as for the cheating on his wife - he kind of acts like it was all her fault as she didn't like Hollywood at all. Then after dumping her for the girlfriend, why go into her death as if he really really cared??? Such self serving on his part. And of course the part where he was tempted by another actress - why bother to put that story in???

Sally Field's In Pieces

Burt Reynolds had It RIGHT: Hold stomach, 2 fingers down throat

In this 400 page book there are only about 20 pages that mention Burt Reynolds, but what stands out most to me is his reaction to “downer” remarks from the past Sally Field tried to get out to him: He’d grab his stomach and then take two fingers and act like he was about to puke. Unfortunately, this is the reaction I had to this entire whiny book.

    
As you can see, they're not only lousy writers, they're lousy cover designers. 

 

Katharine Hepburn's Memoir, Me
This reviewer sums it up best: Bad. Bad. Bad

one of Donald Trump's books~ (The title, like anything about him, isn't worth mentioning)

The title should read, How to think like a Billionaire after Daddy gives you $413 million dollars and the Saudi’ bailout your hotels while Russia gives loads of money probably laundered through his Golf Clubs!

 


Donald Trump's Art of the Deal

The only book I know that has four chapter 11s.  
Because he doesn't know what number comes next?
Because 11 is a prime number and he's way past his prime?
Because that's his I.Q.?
Because he eats 11 Big Macs per day?
or The wife is his editor? 

A Human Date of Late to Hate

   A few weeks ago, a sudden outpouring of men were in the picture. Herb seemed my best prospect. He thoroughly charmed me. "A pretty person like you often has a beautiful soul." A winning line, right? 
   Even better, we were both pleased upon meeting in-person. Dinner was great. We had friendly discourse about work, his child, my writing. Unlike other dates, Herb picked up the bill without hesitation.
   And then, better still, he invited me to his place. "I'll play music for you," he said. Herb sings and plays guitar. 
   His shiny black guitar across his lap, Herb sang soft familiar tunes. I sat entranced, falling more deeply with each note. After a handful of John Denver, Celine Dione, and others' music, Herb played Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up." 
   All the while, I envisioned Herb and I walking across stormy seas hand in hand. Kinda like a "come to Jesus" moment - only with this little Jewish lady and my Herb.
   The song ended, though, and my date set down his guitar. "I'm done." He dabbed his eyes with the backs of his hands.  "I feel too sad now. That song was for my ex-girlfriend. She died of a drug overdose."
   Well we didn't see that one coming, did we?
   "This" --he pointed at his guitar-- "this is my priority. And I don't want a bad reputation."
   Because anyone who dates me develops a bad reputation? No dude, I raise them up, until it's over, at which point they plummet as low as they could be.

   Needless to say, I put my jacket on and grabbed my purse. Only twenty minutes after Herb began to serenade me, err, his dead ex-girlfriend, the date was over.
   Herb gestured towards his front door.
   "You have a GPS to get home, right?"
   "Yeah, I have a GPS."  But your dead ex-girlfriend could raise me home faster, I assume.

    At my car door, Herb on the opposite side of my car, I said "Thank you."  I didn't know what else to say.
   Of course, now I have all sorts of words for him.


   
  

The Date to Hate Contest Winner!

Dear Sillies, 
   The polls closed late into the night last night. Votes were tallied and re-tallied. It was a close struggle. We suspect possible Russian collusion, but we know our citizens are good with some fowl (or in this case, goat) play. So now, I present to you this year's Life by Chocolate's Anti-VDay Winning slogan - the best of the worst attempts to seduce:

Baby, 

I am ready to float your boat.

I've been practicing for years 
on my pet goat. 

Our winner is our very own, the one and the only, a friend to all...felines and goats, Mr. Pat Hatt!

Thank you to all who entered.

Congratulations, Pat! Pat Hatt will receive a nice, sweet WINNER'S package!

Sympathies to your pet goat. 

Sweetness to you, my dears, today and always.

You are loved.  

   

The Date to Hate Contest, Vote Now!

My Dearest Sillies,
   I challenged you to create a Valentine's message that, while meant to seduce, does the opposite - in no more than 30 words.
   You rose (err, lowered) to the task in a colorful way.
   So as to keep you focused on the sentiment versus the blogger, I've numbered the entries. Your task is to vote for one and only one entry. Please don't vote for your own. Must be a follower to vote. Polls will close on Wed, 2/13, 8p EST. Thank you!
   Ready, set, vote!

1) Dear Valentine,
It seems you are mine,
Over time you have grown on me,
I am not certain there is an antibiotic strong enough to set me free.

2) I'm not a cactus expert but I see a Prick when I see one.

3) Blood is red
Dead people are blue
I love you to death
That much is true!

  

4) If you have burning love to share for V Day, I can scratch your itch.

5) my heart beat faster when I was with you
I could barely breathe after our first kiss
Yes, I'm allergic to nuts like you.

6) Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just one in the bed
My right arm is huge

7) "Erica? Take a letter, please.
Sweetheart,
Happy Valentine's Day, my Darling, my Love, my One and Only!
Yours eternally,
Mark.
Carbon copies to Mindy, Sheila, Caitlin, Brianna, Elaine, and Janis."

8) Some days I hate people.
I love that we have than in common.

9) I said I'd love you through thick and thin. 

I didn't think you'd get so much thicker after I said that. 

Get thin and be my Valentine!

10) I love you almost as much as my boat...

11) Darling Valentine, be mine, always mine.
Join me at my table.
I'll take you out of the oven and be ready to dine.
Love,
Hannibal Lecter, with some fava beans / cut-off at 30 words (and a nice Chianti)

12) Happy Valentine's Day. You're the reason I like animals better than people.

13) Baby, I am ready to float your boat.

I've been practicing for years on my pet goat.    

14) Roses are red
Violets are blue
That’s because I’m strangling you.

15) I don't like you, you're annoying,
but heres some cheap chocolate, lets get busy boinking!!

It's The Date (2/14) to Hate Contest!

Dear Sillies,
It's that time of year! Time for our annual bashing of the Date (2/14) worthy of furious venom. Thus, *we're sponsoring a Date to Hate Contest. *Aquaman, Prince Harry, Iris Elba, and I.

RULES:
In NO MORE THAN 30 WORDS, create a Valentine's MESSAGE THAT WHILE MEANT TO SEDUCE, DOES THE OPPOSITE. (Kinda like my Reasons for Celibacy, but with a Valentine's spin.)  You'll vote on the Winner, who will receive a generously sweet package. Must be a follower to enter. 
All entries should be submitted in comments section or to my email, Rawknrobyn@aol.com.
Must be RECEIVED BY SATURDAY, 2/9, midnight EST.

Ready, Set, Hate the Date!