My Story, Yours Too.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Woman on the Verge of Paradise: Surrealism and Cemetery Sex

Sign reads: "May you find Paradise to be all its name implies."

Thanks for joining me on the verge of Paradise, as a new chapter of my life unfolds. If you're new to Life by Chocolate, or just madly trying to catch up with your blog reading (Can we ever truly catch up?), this non-fictional autobiographical story begins here.
It’s a surreal time. I’m not referencing an “I-can’t-deal-with-this,-so-I’m-going-to-eat-chocolate-and-sleep-it-off” surreal. No, it’s actually a happy “I-can’t-believe-this,-so-I’m-going-to-eat-chocolate-and-then-take-a-nap,-because-I-can” surreal.

With both housing and the job secured up North, I shall awake to bid farewell to the San Francisco Bay in twenty days. I’ll miss its bold beauty and flavorful culture: the taquerias every few feet in San Francisco’s mission district, the bridges spanning broad stretches of shimmering water, the diverse communities that have offered my heart and brain entry into more tranquil enlightenment. I’ll miss having 12,000 choices for everything – be it a yoga class, movie venue, ice cream parlor, or underwater co-ed rollerblading midget sumo wrestling match. You can find it all here.

In spite of my sadness, and my bewilderment over that midget wrestling thing I just wrote, I feel like I won the lottery at precisely the right moment. The past 3.5 years shook me with two ugly job lay-offs and marital explosion – just one month after celebrating our first anniversary. As I was grasping for fresh air, I met Writer Nora Profit. She offered entrance into the writing world and a chance to start anew, to move to Profit in Paradise. Who could turn that down?

It’s not a writing job per se. I wasn’t hired for my writing. I’ll be on the computer a lot. But I wasn’t hired for my computer skills either. Lord, and everybody else, knows that. Why was I hired? Let’s just move on, have some chocolate and take a nap, because we can. I consider myself very, very lucky.

Even my discourse at the Writing Loft has matched the surrealism of this time. You remember Mimi, right? She greeted me with a hug when I first arrived at the Loft during last month’s visit. Mimi’s a fast and furious talker who dresses conservatively but dons bright pink lipstick. This shouting shade of pink is beginning to make sense. Unlike most talkers, Mimi’s babble fascinates. I hang onto her every word.

Here’s a snippet of dialogue from that first visit. Nora, Mimi, and I were sitting in the cozy entrance room at the Loft, winding down after a full day's work.

Nora (to me): I haven’t seen your writing yet.

Me: Oh, it’s just silly humorous stuff like my series “On Why I Choose Celibacy.” I post men’s on-line dating ads and embellish with my own comments. I just gave an award to a guy I call “Mr. Cemetery.” He’s looking for mutual cemetery in a relationship.

Nora (appearing confused): You mean someone to share a cemetery plot with?

Me: I think he means "chemistry." He wrote, “If the cemetery’s good, everything else can fail.”

Nora and I burst into laughter.

Mimi (interrupting the guffaws): Well, I've gotta say that sexual chemistry in the cemetery can be really good.

Nora and I gasp quietly and then chuckle, with a lot less zest - likely due to shock.

Mimi: Well, he was my husband.

Nora and share an almost-forced giggle, eyes glazed over.

Mimi: And it was during the winter!

Nora and I sit in silence. Mimi clearly wants to elaborate but stops short. The conversation died with this revelation about sex in the cemetery. I can’t help but revere Mimi and anticipate much more lofty discourse after I move. It’s keeping me motivated to hurry and pack my things. Continued surrealism clearly awaits.


  1. ...and then there's always the confusion amongst celibate, celebrate, and calibrate that's good for a brief moment of silence.

  2. Oh boy, if you thought you might miss out on fodder for your writing by leaving the big city, I think this should reassure you LOL. What an exciting adventure this is going to be! Kat

  3. AWKWARD!!!!
    Glad you're moving on, Robyn!

  4. You didn't ask Mimi whether she was bending over a headstone? Did the cat steal your curiosity?

  5. Yeah, I think these are some amazing momentous steps for you. 20 days left? wow truly surreal!!! Though mimi sounds pretty cool and huggable. :)

  6. Wow just 20 days left. I am excited for you on your new journey.

  7. IT, toss in some celery and you've got a quietly interesting salad of sorts. xo

    Kat, thanks so much for joining this journey. Yeah, I don't think I'll be hurting for fodder. ;0)

    KW, I like to see it that way. Thanks for your kindness. xo

    Alex, it was a bit awkward. There will be more, & I doubt I'll be bored. Thanks. [-:

    GB, I'm ever more shocked. No, I'm sure he was alive. I wasn't there, but I'm sure. xo

    CB, thanks so much. She really is loveable. ;0}

    OT, thanks. Plus, I won't likely have pasty legs anymore after a summer in Chico. I'll be a red lobster. xo

  8. Robyn, enjoy your new start in Paradise. At least you picked a place with a good name for your adventure (not the cemetary sex thing).

  9. Hahahahahaha. Oh wow. That's hilarious. I think it would be so much fun to work with them. You're going to be chalk full of stories!!

  10. I'm happy for you and this new journey. I have no doubt it will be wonderful.

    LOVE the cemetery stuff! Hysterical!

    Oh, and I tagged you over on my blog. :)

  11. It doesn't surprise me that you can make anyone laugh! You make me laugh all the time, sister!

    I'm so happy for you....big move and job. You are on your way to greatness. I feel it. :)

  12. Now that was hilarious. I'm also very happy for you. This moment was meant to be :0)

  13. Congrats and holy smokes, potentially the most awesome boss ever!

  14. I'm glad Mimi doesn't have that husband anymore. Who knows what kind of weird things he would've come up with. Oh, he wasn't in the grave, was he? That would be even weirder. :)

  15. mutual cemetery - that's too bloody funny. Good luck with the move ....

  16. Thanks, all. I think it's worthy of note that Mimi is so awesome that she gave me her blessings to write this post. Really! xo

    John, no, not like that. Silly. Love ya. ;0)

    Chuck, thank you. xo

    BabySis, I agree, since I already have stories and I haven't moved there yet. <-:

    FriskyVirgin, you're sweet. Thank you. xo

    Marlene, you always make me laugh too. Thanks for your support. It means a lot.=~]

    Marnie, I appreciate you. xo

    Erika, thanks so much for visiting and enjoying this one. (-;

    Sarah, no, he wasn't underground. xo

    David, I can't ever forget Mr. Cemetery. He'll outlive all of us & the cockroaches. Thanks. =o}

  17. First of all I never realized that you lived in San Fran. I would have SO visited you before this because that is one city I have always wanted to go to.

    I only went tubing down Cemetary Hill. I hit my back on a tree and they all thought I died but as the invincible hero you know, I was break but not bruise free. So there was no sex. Stupid tubin'.

  18. Hilarious, and so well told. Keep packing girl, I have a feeling paradise is going to bring life altering wonderful to you and your blog!

  19. What I think is that you are going to have sex in, steamy, pantie melting sex...the kind that only you would find in Paradise... Because Paradise is close to heaven, and in heaven, its ALL ABOUT THE SEX. Don't forget to pack your lingerie!

  20. Happy Thursday Robyn :)
    I am just so happy for you and your new adventure! I love hearing about all your excitement!
    Hm, can't wait to hear more on this Morbid Mimi, no just playing (kinda, ah ha ha)
    Love ya
    gi gi

  21. Hahaha - talk about a boner! lolz!
    Hilarious! Yes, I hear of teens getting up to cemetary sex, but only because they can't find anywhere else to lay down without getting dirty. lol..

    Big changes coming! I'd love to return to the country too. But doing without all that choice.. hmm.. a tough one...

    You go Girl!


  22. And we just bought our plots!


    The Bay area will miss you! But I hope things work out great for you in Paradise.


  23. so glad you're moving on :)

    this is excellent!

  24. I know you better than that!! I was being Silly!!!

    Love ya tons,


  25. Kal, sorry there wasn't sex involved. It's still a great story. xo

    Terra, thanks so much. =~]

    Lisa, you're so funny. Please keep sending those thoughts my way. I'm sure I could use them. Not so sure about the lingerie. xo

    Gigi, happy Friday and weekend, dear friend. <-:

    Anthony, I guess the teens need not worry about disturbing folks around them.
    Thanks for your ongoing support. xo

    Sue, I'm glad you have mutual cemetery. It's a good thing, when the term is used appropriately. =o)

    Margg, thanks hon. xo

    John, love to you and Casper. You're both so cute and friendly. [-;

  26. You must of been hired for your trivia skills and chocolate eating ability. Or your ability to portray woodland creatures on fellow blogs. Whatever it is you snuck yourself in there.

  27. Hey, "cemetery" passed Spell Check. Too bad he didn't didn't employ "Context Check."
    Cemeteries: No one wants to get in and no one can get out.

  28. PTM, I'm sneaky that way. xo

    Al, cemetery: the topic that always comes to a dead end. Oh no, we could keep going with this one. Thanks for dropping by. ;0)