My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Sex On The Beach, On The Floor: I Can't Hold My Alcohol!

 Few things are more awkward than me at a bar. But it was a colleague's birthday, and a group of friends were going, so I pushed myself there. My nerve cells bounced erratically like yo-yos on crank, as I trekked through the crowded scene of boozers, flirts, and those eying the big busty blonde camped out at a center table. She appeared to be working on beer number three.

Thankfully, a friend and I saw each other at the bar. "Oh, hi Robyn."

"Hi, Jen. Glad to see you."

"You too. What are you getting? I'm waiting for a Martini."

"Oh, um, I don't know. I want something sweet and light. Any suggestions?"

"Go for a Sex On The Beach."

"Sounds good." Really good. I felt a drop of saliva slide down my chin.

The cute bartender turned to me. "What would you like?"

"I'll take a Sex On The Beach," I told him, smiling.

As I said this, a heavy-set bald man sitting a few inches to my right, offered an affirming half-grin. I think he approved of my order. I took a few steps back, though; he was kinda creeping me out.

Our drinks came at the same time. "Don't worry, I got it, Robyn," Jen said, handing the bartender her card.

"No, I can't let you do that." I scurried through my purse and extended my arm towards her, a $5 in my fist. Take it, Jen." She refused. As I began pulling my arm back, it happened, slowly but  decisively: My lower arm brushed against my glass and Sex On The Beach took a free-fall, crashing onto the brown tiled floor with a blasting shatter that could undoubtedly be heard in Kentucky.

Before I could blink, an apron donning employee zipped rapidly from my right to my left, then my left to my right, with a big long broom. Another was at my feet wearing rubber gloves to carefully pick up any pieces she missed. Then the mopping began. Clean-up seemed prolonged for hours, with all eyes on me. Baldy pierced me with another half-grin. This time, his expression said "You klutz, you!"

I needed to do something. "Okay, people," I announced. "Now we all know that I can't hold my alcohol!" Nobody seemed to appreciate my humor, though they slowly resumed a focus on their alcohol or the big busty blonde. Thankfully.

But what do I do now? Everyone's here from the group. They all saw that. I can't just leave; I'd draw more attention to myself. I made the only choice I could: order another Sex On The Beach.

"I gave you an extra shot this time," he told me. Extra? I couldn't even handle the first one. As I brought my drink to the table, I felt relieved that the group was engaged in chatter. But I sat fuming with awkwardness and nobody to talk to. Minutes or an hour later, my eyes caught those of a handsome man on the other side of the table.

He wasted no time in deciding to approach me. "What are you drinking there?"

"It's Sex On The Beach...Gotta get it any way I can."

"It's not as good as it sounds," he joked.

"Nah, it's messy and uncomfortable, not nearly as good as it sounds," I agreed, as if speaking from experience.

We grinned at each other, and I appreciated his nice, warm smile. His perfectly chiseled facial features didn't hurt either.

"I'm Robyn," I offered my hand.

"I'm Jake. I'm a friend of Jen's. Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Would you like to dance?"

"Sure." My night was suddenly looking up. be continued.


  1. Well, at least baldy probably didn't bother you. I liked your response though. I can't hold alcohol either. And it's been over twenty-five years since I stepped into anything resembling a bar.

  2. Remember, it's not a party until something breaks. You got the par-tay started girl.

  3. I'd get embarrassed ordering a Sex on the Beach.
    I'll order a Slippery Nipple, instead.

  4. Such a klutz lol but it seems like it was to your advantage, timing is everything

  5. This story is looking promising:)

  6. With your size, it's probably better off on the floor, so you can keep a clear head... or not. Guess we'll see.

  7. I like where this is going. My fingers are crossed for you.

  8. The last time I broke a glass I was ten at IHOP. My mom made me feel pretty bad about it.

  9. Dear Robyn,

    It seems your night was looking up. And no, I wont mention something else might be up. Moving swiftly on from that potential innuendo...Sex On The Beach, may lead to a shore thing.

    Be well and have fun, Robyn.

    Your starstruck fan,

    Gary :) x

  10. Eeps! Nice comeback, though, I would've appreciated it had I been there.
    I'm intrigued and excited to read what happens next.

  11. Oh, you tease! Leaving us hanging like that! This story better end with real sex on the beach, that's all I'm saying.

  12. I'm intrigued!!! I'm a klutz too so I feel your pain!

  13. I'm not bunch of a bar person either. I do love a good chocotini though!

  14. What a cliff-hanger tease you are. . .
    why didn't you order a chocolate flavored drink? There must be one.

    I'll be back for the sequel.

  15. I know what you mean about doing something and then stewing over it while everyone else is having a good time. Sure glad your story has a happy ending - well so far anyway. Most of these stories ends up with how drunk the gal or guy got and how familiar they got with toilet later.

  16. Thanks, all. Your comments make me smile.

    JustKeepinItReal, you can count on me for that.

    Al, is there such a drink? That's funny!

    Pat, well, I did make an impression on Baldy.

    Robin, so it did. Smiles.

    MsA, definitely. I'm such a light weight and cheap date. Half a drink does me in. Did I just publicize that?

    Stephen, thanks.

    Adam, oh no, it was just an accident. IHOP is still around. They've recovered!

    Lisa, thanks thanks.

    Gary, you're comments are always creative and sweet. Funny too. The fanning/fanship/fantastic level of admiration goes both ways.

    Dee, glad to see you here. Thanks.

    Debra, oh no. You might not want to return until I've finished this series. But there might be a Slow Screw Against the Wall. Or not.

    JoJo, it's always great to meet another klutz. Thanks for following along.

    Ruth, I don't think I've ever had one. Can you believe it?

    DG, yeah, I do like mudslides and kahlua. But chocolate flavored drinks are usually too strong for me. I'm wimpy that way.


  17. PS Gary, I meant "your" not "you're". You knew that, but I want to make sure you (and everyone else) know that I knew that. xo

  18. You should have told Baldy to order one himself. No chance of him getting sand in his hair. I'm wondering whether you'll need chaperone after your dance with Jake.

  19. Now don't go making fun of bald people, I may develop a complex

  20. Did you subconsciously break the glass intentionally to be rid of the creepy guy? Nah. You probably just wanted to have 'sex on the beach' twice... :)

    And leave us all in suspense....

  21. Ohhh...I am eager for the conclusion. I, also, feel out of place in bars. Just not my scene.

  22. Very interested to hear where you're going with this one Robyn, I think it's fair of me to assume that it's going to end in something sexual haha. I've knocked drinks over before so I actually feel like I can relate to that side of things, your comeback about it was quality, next time I drop a drink I'm going to use that one.

  23. It's official. You and I will never go to the bar together. I thought I was the only loser magnet, but with you in tow, we'll have all the baldies staring us down.

  24. Well that was a good call. Order another one right away! :D

  25. You can't stop there! And I agree...the more Sex On The Beach, the better. However, the Sand Up The Crack is not fun. Always be on top. You will have exfoliated knees. I can't believe I just typed that. And I can't believe I'm going to publish this comment. Forgive me! LOL

  26. GB, yeah, I should've told Baldy to get the DIY (Do It Yourself) version of sex on the beach.

    John, don't grow a massive belly and go staring at klutzy women who feel awkward at bars, and you'll be alright.

    Martha, well, the first one is the worst one. Right?

    Cheryl, too bad they don't serve drinks to loosen you up prior to entering a bar. That might work better for me.

    YW, the worst part was that it was glass, and in a small place, and I really did get stared at by folks with no sense of humor.

    Theresa, we'll go undercover, for kicks and a good Youtube video.

    Thanks, Nutschell, it seemed the only thing to do.

    MommaFargo, you gave me the best laugh of the day. Thank you!! I'm filing away the advice in the off chance I'll ever need it. (Note to self: be on top; get exfoliated kneecaps.)

    Thank you, silly peeps!

    I'll post part II asap (in the next couple days). Sorry to keep you waiting, but I still need to write the rest of this series.


  27. I think you'll be hard pressed to find someone who HASN'T knocked a drink over, and for what it's worth, i'd have chuckled... "Can't 'hold' my liquor".. classic.

    I usually say something like "Yep, I'm THAT guy."

    I had a "bartender's handbook" once upon a time, and one day I will order a "Long slow comfortable fuzzy screw against the wall with satin pillows the hard way". Not sure if they make one of those on the beach though...

  28. Color me silly Robyn- But The size of what?? I don't get......


  29. can't wait to read what's next!! love your blog!

  30. I don't think I could bring myself to order that drink! I loved your reply to the bald guy. I never heard that before.

  31. Ohhh niiiice! The part about the handsome man approaching you, not the dropping your glass, spilling drink part. hahaha

    Next time order a Blowjob, it's delish!!! :)

  32. oooohhhhh a cliff-hanger!

    Love the line, can't hold my alcohol haha

    Very nicely put together and written with the usual double-entredes-Robyn style.
    Great writing Robyn!


  33. Great dialogue! He sounds too good to be true, but I was wrong once before. How exciting that I don't have to wait for part II!


  34. Ooooh, what a cliffhanger!! I'm glad the next one is in my reader and I don't have to wait. :)

  35. YOWZA!!!!! heading straight for the continuation now!
    Blessings, Joanne

  36. "I can't hold my alcohol."


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