On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #37-43

Taken directly from current on-line dating ads, I now present you with reasons #37-43 for my choice to maintain a celibate lifestyle.
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REASON #37:---------SKREEEECCHH--------------Easy there tiger. Had to leave job 1996 complications with ms. I can inartfully walk around, there are other strategies, plain fact is I spend a good deal of my time in a power chair. It's like, "who we kidding". Having said that,anyone there? Oh…Huh? Here’s the real question, buddy: Is anyone there?


REASON #38: love to get dressed up (he cleans up well) and go out dancing. Not joking. Ah, my junk works nicely (God has a kind sense of humor sometimes.) and love live music, and theater (small houses)..Argue like an italian. H E Y ! W H E R E Y O U G O I N G !? Just goin’ for some vino, babe. Carry on, alone.

REASON #39: in no order, big on farmer's markets, cooking, conversation, laughter, mad men, family, NPR. My sense of humor has and complex levels of intelligence, your mileage may vary. You’re clearly a hybrid. Synched w/ lyrics of Steely Dan, the new york cynical sarcastic mood that feels like you're part of a noir film plot.A fellow could do a lot worse. Me likey the noir. Me no likey your noir.

REASON #40: Looking for a woman who gots my back I gots to guess you gots one of those hairy backs. I gots no interest.

REASON #41: Tired of humorless guy? look no further I am a laidback, non judgemental type with a smidge of intelligence. (ok maybe more than a smidge) You certainly do display a smidge of intelligence, and even less than a smidge of humor. Hint: "Smidge" is not an actual word.

REASON #42: Hello, Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. I don’t have that kind of time, buddy, and I’m not even working these days. After considerable thought on this subject I have decided to be very verbose and concise in describing myself and the woman I am searching for. (Please allow me to apologize for the contradiction in terms.) Oy, you are tedious. Let me chop this down significantly, so as not to lose any followers. Trying to describe ones self is a daunting task, as we tend to see ourselves in a different light than we actually are seen and precieved by others. Oh, but preceieption is just an illusion. None the less, I shall endevour to be as neutral and accurate as possible while maintaining a  " Positive Spin" in a P.T. Barnum kinda way. That sentence was extremely painful, in a freak show PT Barnum kind of way. ..Lived in a Norman Rockwell painting for several years with no parental supervision...I suppose if I lived in a painting, I’d make sure my parents weren’t watching me either. Please Someone...Invent a time machine....Attended school in a four room school house....Ran amok (Sorry for the walk down memory lane.)…Became very "hip". Played in many bands, traveled the globe, smoked pot A bit too much, my friend. A bit too much.,..Once again I shall try to be very descriptive and to the point. I am searching for the woman of my dreams. ( Note the use of the singular subject of the sentence.) This woman should be beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, fun, spontaneous, brave, tough, (Able to put up with me.) enlightened, spiritual, sober, psycologically sound, healthy, monogamous, really cool, (Able to put up with me.) very loving and supportive in actions and words. A team player. Most of all this woman and I have to "Click". There must be INTENSE passion, love, respect, and chemistry between us both physical and psycological. We must have a unity of vision for our life together. (Once again, please note the use of the singular noun.) Thanks for pointing that out again, dude. Please note your monotonous use of the term “singular.” Get used to it, buddy.

REASON #43: Need someone to fetch me beers! I have a suggestion, sweetie. It goes like this: Go to the nearest kennel, ask for an empty cage, and stay in it. Don’t come out. Ever.