My Story, Yours Too.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Literally Everything Makes me Crazy

My Dear Sillies,

Life is full of confusion and irritants when I take things literally. And I always do.

Like when I first saw Avocado Toast on a cafe menu, I got excited. I love avocado, and what's not to love about toast? It'd be a nice, unique breakfast.

But I wanted a refund when I got a plate with avocado that had been splattered onto a piece of toasted bread. I mean, for $6? That's not avocado toast, am I right? Does banana bread consist of smushed banana on a slice of bread? Your blueberry muffin, one blueberry delicately balanced atop a bland muffin? No, just no!

 Another thing I have literal issues with involves sending mailings from the Postal Service. Do not get behind me in line. I can't wrap my brain around pricing. Specifically, why is First Class the cheapest? Isn't First Class, like when you fly First Class and don't have to pay $5 for nuts because you already paid $200 for them, the best? It's First! A priority is, well, like my book. It's a priority and thus set aside to collect dust for years on end. I don't understand.

 **Note: If your First Class package is over 15.99 ounces, you must upgrade the mail class to Priority Mail.**

 

 Most gross of all, is 100% Recycled toilet paper. It's extra soft & strong. I believe the "strong" aspect of this combo, but the concept of "recycled bath tissue"? I'm sorry. It's disgusting. But wait, it's been miraculously recycled through seven generations.

   Do you understand? Do any literal-isms baffle you like they do me? Or is it literally just me?

   Apologies for this last one. But look, it's whitened without chlorine bleach. I'm intrigued, and running low, but I just couldn't. 

 Love you.

22 comments:

  1. And, when you start (as I do) from an insecure and crazy base, they make us even crazier. If that is possible.

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    1. Haha. So true, EC. It's like the literal nuance that broke this crazy's mind. I can't handle these things, not one bit. Thank you for making me feel crazy in very good company.

      Delete
  2. Hi, Robyn!

    How goes it out there, dear friend?

    I'm pretty sure First Class means they will bend and mutilate your package. With Priority, they'll go all the way and crush it for you.

    That recycled seven generation, bleach-free bath tissue will go nicely with the line of whimsical toilet seats I'm selling on Etsy.

    Enjoy the rest of your week, dear friend Robyn!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Dear Shady,
      Sometimes they'll do you a solid and put your mail in a "priority to lose" batch. Then it's gone forever. Like when I sent my dear blog friend Elizabeth Seckman a package of treats Priorities - because it was. It was lost forever.
      Whimsical toilet seats? I take everything literally, so I've already researched and couldn't find them, Shady. I'm disappointed. I was going to buy recycled tp for those whimsical toilet seats. But are you really selling those on Etsy? Kindly forward the link.

      Be well and enjoy, my friend.
      Til next time.

      Delete
    2. I sent the package to Elizabeth "Priority", I meant. =) I literally hate my every typo too.

      Delete
  3. I only fly first class now and yes, I expect the very best!

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    Replies
    1. As you should, Alex. That extra $200+ was paid to assure that you're not squished like avocado on toast.

      Thanks for chiming in, friend.

      Delete
  4. Sounds like you have those little things that grind your gears too! LOL!!!! I just bought a new avocado dip tonight, I can't wit to try it. At least I think it's avocado dip?!?!?!?

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    1. I know, right, Mistress? GRRRR! Make sure that avocado dip doesn't consist of a slice of avocado on a piece of indented asphalt. That would not be good.

      Delete
  5. Your literal interpretations are spot on. You are not crazy. The world is crazy. We are merely trying to navigate it. Better to approach with alcohol? Or deal in chocolate...whatever works, my friend.

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    1. I thinking I probably need to fall off the wagon. That's another ludicrous term. What the heck? What wagon? Oy. Gimme chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Thanks for affirming that it's not just me, Joanne. You're a sound woman and a good friend.

      Delete
    2. PS I never had an alcohol problem unless not really liking it is a problem. But gimme sugar and I'm crazy as ever.

      Delete
  6. You are a Philosopher Queen. These are Questions For The Ages.

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    1. Why, thank you, Debra. I'm glad I can ask all the important questions. It's about priorities. And priorities are worthless compared to First Class, am I right?

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  7. $6 for smashed avocado on toast...who made that-Larry, Curly or Moe? Your mail is now being messed with by Trump and his cronies because that stooge must win at any cost. I just don't understand how he can mess with the constitution. OK on a lighter note...recycled only 7 times? Why not 700? No bleach was used...what did they use then because that is just icky on every level. Maybe one can finally use that TP when it is 4 generations once removed.

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    1. It couldn't have been Curly, Birgit. Curly is the best. Right? I love/d Curly. He's so cute and innocent and gets bashed around way too much by Moe and Larry. Hahaha. I can't even...with "recycled toilet paper"? If not taken literally, what the heck does that mean? If we get recycled tp from only 4 generations once removed, but it's not bleached, how could it look clean a white? Do you think they're using 3 or 4-ply, Birgit?

      Delete
  8. My investigation into unbleached, recycled t.p. uncovered a curious misrepresentation. You can't get clean, white t.p. with beach. What's happening is, so-called recyclers are peeling off the 2nd ply and rerolling that. This is a result of whippersnappers who were never taught to use both sides of the toilet paper like we were. Conservation zero. Savings zero.

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    1. You're so believable, Geo. I took me a few reads to realize you're pulling a fast one on this slow brain. But it then hit me that whippersnappers weren't taught any tp protocol.
      Smiles.
      Geo 5,000 Robyn 0

      Delete
  9. Recycled toilet paper--what a marketing nightmare. Of course, the post office is on its way out (hopefully that might change after November or January. And I thought that toast looked great :)

    www.thepulpitandthepen.com

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    1. It does look good, Sage. I dislike false advertising, though. With only two more letters ("on"), I wouldn't be irate about this fiasco.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  10. lol I make fun of such things but haven't gotten confused by any lately

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