Martha Stewart's Get Out of Jail Now Card: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I'm here to offer my Get Out of Jail Now Card. For only $70 Million, I'll sell you one. It's a VISA card worth $60 Million. You simply offer it to the Judge, IRS, Prosecuting Attorney, Prison Guard, or whomever tickles your fancy or nether regions. You'll quickly find yourself free from criminal prosecution and able to get back to fluffing your pillows and sharing trade secrets. Works like a charm. Now if you'll excuse me, my dogs are getting restless. Tootles.

Martha Stewart's Fake Furry Friend, A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. (Note: She has an after-sex glow.) Here's a photo from last night of me and my fake furry friend. It's no secret that I love dogs. They love me too...in all the right ways. I sleep with my dogs, and I truly enjoy their warm, rugged hairs brushing up against my supple skin. Sometimes, too, they lick and nibble my nether regions. It feels quite nice. One drawback, however, is that the live ones sh*t and piss all over my bed-sheets. With the fake furry friend, you don't have to deal with that sh*t or piss. Plus, he has a fake tongue and fake teeth, so you can position him as you please and he'll stay there all night long. *Pleasurable sigh.* I'm not selling this product, and the story of how I conceived of him involves bestiality, so it's a story for another time. I'm going back to bed. Goodbye.

 

Martha Stewart's Enemy Elixir, A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. I decided that my inability to get a good *bleep*, or any *bleep* for that matter, is due to my competition. Men don't seem to realize that us --Martha clears her throat-- mature women can get rough and naughty like the other gals. So I've created the enemy elixir. This should put the competition out long enough to have a good *bleep* with their consciously uncoupled partners. I'll give you the formula upon receipt of $650,000. First, watch this! I think that Paltrow *bleep* is about to fall for it!