Dear Sillies,
I'd been quiet about JT because things were going so smoothly and giddily. Our chemsitry was comfortable and fun; our attraction, consistently strong. He'd cook for me several times a week. We trekked to the beach, to San Francisco Bay, and many local destinations. We also just stayed in and played Scrabble and other indoor games. Wink. All in all, I've felt more joyous love for JT than I've felt for any other man in my life.
BUT (You knew this was comin') in the past month or so, he'd distanced himself and failed to communicate. My every attempt to talk only made things worse.
BUT, BUT the lovey-dovey moments and messaging continued even through this Friday evening, for 2.25 YEARS. Despite this, it's gonna be another heartache tonight and tomorrow night and the next night and so on.
When I dropped by his home yesterday, this discourse ensued:
"I was going to call you," his tone, stoic. "I'm going to stay in tonight."
"Okay, alright." Disappointed but not surprised, I ask: "Anything else?"
"No. That's all."
"Well what if I have something to say?"
"Go ahead."
"I don't know how to talk to you anymore." A bucket of tears pours down my cheeks. "Do you even want to keep me in your life?"
"I DON'T KNOW."
You don't f*ckin know?! "You have no idea how much you're hurting me."
My friends, I got no explanation, no kindness, no apology, none of the thoughtfulness that I love/d so much about JT. Not even a lousy t-shirt with the logo "He doesn't want this." Dude simply reiterated that he has nothing to say. He doesn't want "this."
I know I deserve better, my Dear Sillies.
I love you, and I know you're here and there and wherever for me through this heartache. Please and thank you.
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On a happier note: Happy 12th Anniversary to the IWSG! I'm into my 14th year of blogging and even more exciting, I'm slowly approaching 1 MILLION VIEWS. I can't wait to become a millionaire! We'll celebrate in sweet style. Please do stick around.
What the hell? Oh my God. But you guys were looking so great together? Did something happen? There must be a reason for the distancing. 'I don't know' is not really good enough. Were there arguments? Incidents? There must be better communication. I'd be asking specifically why, especially after such a long time together and if there are things that could be done to salvage it. Sounds like its worth it.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds awful. I hope you can work through it together.
Thank you. I was bulldozed, Anthony. He completely shut down communication. We'd talked through a big fight about a month ago. After that, he said he loved me more than ever. Still, we didn't ever get to a resolution phase of things - no type of compromise to avoid the problems in the future. He just claimed to be a bad communicator.
DeleteHe's stressed out and (per my clinical assessment) depressed, and I was the easiest thing to let go of. The other choices were family or the home or job.
There was no willingness to talk, much less work on things from his stance. I couldn't do all the communicating, and that was pissing him off more.
He put up communication roadblocks and just flat out refused to talk. He made his decision. He was incredibly caullous about it, seemed so easy for him to dispose of me, after a very loving 2-1/4 years.
DeleteSorry to hear that youre going through this. It must have been quite a shock. Depression is brutal and as you say, if it's that bad that it's a choice for him, then one can't give up family or work so something has to give.
DeleteIf you've stated what you need then he's not in a position to give it and probably feels pressured. He just can't deal with it, at the moment anyway.
Is it worth trying to give him some space for a couple of weeks and see if he improves? A bad communicator as he says, is not very helpful to a relationship clearly but he's obviously not coping either.
It might not be the end. See it as a pause and give it some breathing space. He may come to you if you just go along with it for now and not communicate. Leave a little window there. Time can be a miraculous healer.
If not, youre no worse off than you are now.
In any case, I'm sorry this has happened. It's very distressing.
There's no good reason to force oneself into someone's life. It doesn't work, and it clearly couldn't work. He doesn't want to ever see me again. This is clear. Why would I try to change that, or hope for a change? There's nothing without two-way communication. He's proven he has no concern for that/me.
DeleteThank you, friend.
Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring dear friend. I hope (so much) that you can work it out, but you have a legion of friends/fans at your back.
ReplyDeleteThanks, EC. There's no room to work things out when communication isn't even agreed to.
DeleteSo sorry to read this news. But, nearly 1 million views. Guess what. You're still a rockstar. Sending you love from Málaga.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mitchell. Love back to you in Malaga.
DeleteINTJ? I think the argument a month ago (that you removed) had more of an effect than you think. T - "I DON'T KNOW." He's thinking and doesn't know what to say so he says nothing. (INTJ) Been there done that. You're INTJ friend, Mike.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the post was too long for all of this, but I explained more about that to Anthony. It was the beginning of the end, even though it brought us a lot closer. He said he loved me "even more" after that. What the hell?!
DeleteI'm sorry! Yes, you deserve better than that. You deserve a conversation and explanation. I don't know is not an answer.
ReplyDeleteRight, Alex. He's so cowardly as to not even break up with me but made me do it and say it and then plea for answers that he refused to give. Gee thanks for the pain dude. Glad you got so much of the best of me, in exchange. )=
DeleteWhat a really crappy and insensitive thing to do to you.
ReplyDeleteYes. Thank you for saying so.
DeleteAsshole! Sorry to be so blunt but I've been on the receiving end of that crap. I think he just got scared that you were getting so close. Who knows what's up his ass but you did the right thing no matter how hard it was. You don't need nor deserve to be treated like this. He's a coward and needs to look in his inbox for a centered personality. He can't handle arguments nor true closeness. Stand tall, head up and walk proud because you are beautiful inside and out.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet empowering message. I needed that.
DeleteOh Robyn, my heart aches for you. Breakups are never easy and bring so much pain. Big hugs -- I know your inner strength will bring you through this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Debra. Yes, I will get through this. I appreciate you.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sure that there is someone out there that will treat you right, if you decide to look again.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. I appreciate your support.
DeleteOh Robyn. Bummed to hear this and I'm annoyed that he didn't communicate well. Dang! Chocolate, blog support, your other friends, and your spirit - you can keep your chin up kid-o. You deserve better. Hugs to you and keep writing. I'm glad you let us know.
ReplyDeleteOh man, now I'll chew on this for awhile on your behalf.
Bloody fuckin' hell. Men can do that. They're cold. They shut down and walk away with no explanation. Try to imagine a woman behaving the way he did. I bet you can't picture it. YOU wouldn't do that, would you? They leave us feeling like we've been hit by a bus that came out of nowhere. X did that shit to me all the time. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Thank you for all this validation. Right?! I made a long drive to break up in person with a short term boyfriend. Of course, I'd never behave that way. He was always so thoughtful until the past month or so. Then he distanced himself so coldheartedly I had to pull it out of him that he doesn't want "this," and he was annoyed as crap by any and all questions I had. I also got "It's not you, it's me". Gee thanks. So clever. Argh!
DeleteThank you, JJ. Love you too.
Well, damn! Love can be excruciating at times, but it sounds like he wasn't manly enough to do it properly and to do it right. Instead, he put the onus on you to make him break up with you. The proverbial "it's me not you," was apparently turned sideways to say, "even though it's me, it's your fault."
ReplyDeleteYou deserve better.
I'm nodding in agreement. Thank you for this perfectly worded sentiment, GB. I appreciate you.
DeleteWell he's being a wanker if there ever was one. Deserve better indeed. At least a person can have a conversation or give a response/reason better than I don't know.
ReplyDeleteYes, thank you, Pat! I appreciate your wanker comment.
DeleteNo real discussion, that's beyond a shitty thing to do. I'm so sorry and you're right we're all here and there for you. If you hadn't had gone over, wonder if he even was going to call......and only a coward breaks up over the phone. Geesh.......congrats on 14 years. I don't know how long I've been at it, but a long time, as I blogged on other platforms before coming to blogger.
ReplyDeleteSandy's Space
Right. So cowardly, which I told him.
DeleteThank you, Sandy.