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Monday, December 30, 2013

This Year's Top 20 Best of the Worst Pick-Up Lines from Internet Dating Ads

We're closing 2013 with this year's 20 best of the worst pick-up lines from internet dating ads. This post is strictly non-fictional. Our cast and crew shortened, but didn't alter, these ads. We simply ordered them from the best of the worst of the the worst to the worst of the best of the worst -- generally, though we don't know what that means. At any rate, please laugh, enjoy, and have a safe and love-filled New Year's. [Note that "love-filled" is often most wisely accomplished Solo - as in (1) alone or (2) not Chewy.]
1) love Star Wars and met Chewy in the Woods once during a family vacation.
And then what, sweetie? Did he show you his lightsaber? Reveal that he’s your father? Teach you how to Dougie?

2) some of y'all are more stuck up than tampons
Oh yeah? Well some of y’all are more dense than a Tolsty trilogy.

3) i plan to work as a penetration tester for a career.
Don’t all men?

4) trust me, I'm a lawyer
That’s like saying, “Respect me, I’m Anthony Weiner.”

5) Single as a Pringle
Judging from your photo, you’re Macho as a Nacho. Might you also be Free-to Lay, like right away?
6) I know. i should have used spell chick 
Spell chick? Vanna White? I don’t think you’d be the first to use her.

7) I can only say im a hard worker, that want a life long patter. 
A patter for your whole life? I might suggest moving into an airport security check-point.

8) I lick the outdoors.
Caution: Beware of cactus plants, porcupines, and yellow snow.

9) short hairy men make better lovers  
According to your photo, babe, you are bald. Just thought you should know. (Hint: This may be why your bed is cold.)

10) lets play hide the sausage
You mean, because small things are hard to find?

11) You've slept with worse???? (Message for pic)    
Without your photo, I can’t say for sure, though I probably have.*Hanging head low in shame.*

12) Real eyes realize real lies! 
Initially, I found your wordplay rather clever. Now I’m just confused.  

Do you know something that I don’t?

14) I'm not here to impress any of you mother****ers.  
Job well done!

15) need a dumb womin         
I can't argue with that. 

16) Anyone have a extra slinky, mine is in the shop!! 
No, but the last one I played with was too flaccid. Same problem?

17) Marry Christmas! 
 Dude, I don’t like it that much. I’m Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.

18) I am me and no one else.
Be glad you’re not me, honey, because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.

19) I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet. 
Not true. We won't be meeting.

20) I'll know you're it when I fund you!! Fund me, babe, and I’ll know you’re it!!


  1. Those are awesome! And yes, that is the goal of all men. Wait, did I say that out loud...?

  2. LOL. Great laugh for the day and as usual, Robyn, you are da bomb!

  3. It's cold and dreary outside and I'm returning Christmas presents - what fun! You made me laugh. Thank you!

  4. I remember many of these, but I never tire of your clever comebacks! "Free-to-lay" reminds me of my old Frito Bandito eraser collection! I have a feeling that I may have shared that little news nugget with you earlier. Happy New Year, Robyn!


  5. Okay, I've had enough fun. Thanks for the end of the year laughs. Hope 2014 is more than good to you.

  6. That's why I keep my mouth shut!!!! Hilarious Robyn, LYMI!


  7. Am I gonna stop using that tampon line? No bloody way!

    As opposed to how? Hello, I'm a cat. It's OK. I got more.

  9. splutter - reading this was a good way to round of a dull day at work I'd say Robyn - way to go xo

  10. Oh my word! It's downright scary out there in the dating world. I'm glad I'm married. Hilarious list!

    Happy New Year, Robyn! :)

  11. Some of these lines might come in handy if Mrs. Chatterbox ever comes to her senses and throws me out.

  12. hahaha single as a pringle doesn't make things tingle? Goal of all men indeed

  13. Those are so funny! I wonder if they ever actually get dates from those lines?

  14. Those are hilarious. It would appear that there is a quality control issue on Internet Dating sites. Scary!

  15. Haha - these are brilliant Robyn - great responses from you. Have to confess to admiring some of the straight up honesty from these losers - let's play hide the sausage? haha Yeah that's gunna work..
    need a dumb womin - haha- gold

    The best one - I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet - that's the guy for you - always true to his word lol

    Great post.

  16. Bahahaha! Oh my god these were hilarious! I got one today and will share here, since it's only fitting, "Ever been to heaven? Let me take you there..." -Uh, not sure if he's pre-meditating my murder or he really likes me. I of course replied and told him, "No thanks, I'm going to hell"

  17. Hahaha, the laughs keep going both ways. Thank you, my wonderfully spunky peeps.

    Grayson, great to see you here. I really appreciate it.

    Yvonne, I just laughed OUT LOUD at your response. It's priceless.

    Cheryl, quality control issues indeed. You'd think the government would be concerned about this type of material.

    JoJo, I do wonder. I think I don't want to know, though, because I'd be upset to learn that these lines work. There may be some really dumb womin out there. =)

    Al P, just be careful when you pull it off.

    Love you all.
    Thanks for your humor.
    Happy New Year's!

  18. I think the man who works as a penetration tester should be advertising in a gay dating site. Does the tampon guy know what he's talking about? How far stuck up can those things be? The pencil he sticks in his ear might be more stuck up than that.

  19. Nothing like a good laugh!
    Have a good 2014, Robyn.

  20. It's so scary that these aren't made up. What has happened to the gene pool? I had to read number 12 three times before it made any sense.

    Happy New Year!!

  21. May you find the perfect singles ad in 2014! And by that, I mean one from a great guy. No more Chewy fans.

  22. Hahaha...these are all hilarious. I can't pick a favourite, although I am leaning a little toward the guy who 'licks' the outdoors. I imagine his tongue stuck on a pole in the frigid cold around here! I bet he won't be 'licking' the outdoors much around these parts.

    Happy New Year, Robyn!

  23. happy new year to you and yours!

    loads and loads of the warmest hugs!


  24. Fund Me! fund Me! You don't think he will mind that I'm married, do you?

    I'm sitting at the pool laughing like a fool at these! Hilarious!

  25. LMAO some of those are howlers.

    Have an awesome year. :-D

  26. Hahaha! Oh dear. All of these reminded me why I closed my one and only dating site account and decided I'd rather be single.

  27. Love your classifieds exposes. Are men really that stupid? Hey, I came out of early hibernation to post a short, but I'm playing catch-up real quick...couldn't miss this one. And thanks for "spotlighting" my fucking cussing. I can't believe I just said, "cussing." ;) Happy New Year.

    M.L. Swift, Writer: The Best is Yet to Come

  28. Ahhh your comments are always my favorite part. Hilarious!

  29. HA! These geniuses sure do give you a lot of material. Great comebacks Robyn (you are so funny).