Thursday, June 13, 2013
Reasons for Celibacy #240 - 247: Going out for the Kindle!
Few activities are as tiresome as sifting through today's available bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: reasons 240 through 247 for my celibate existence. As always, I've included italicized commentary. Enjoy!
REASON #240: I like to salsa dance with my thoughts. I have minor social anxiety but eat bananas. But more importantly, words. In the future I'll be who this was, thinking about who I'd be in the future. Social anxiety and bananas? I’ve always liked bananas in private too. More importantly, in the future I’ll be who this was salsa dancing with a hot man and not your thoughts, thinking about where I’d find a hot man or banana in the future.
REASON #241: Curdiest , knows what they want.
Are you trying to say you really like cottage cheese?
REASON #242: You can pull and pull but you can't milk a bull!
I’ve got advice for you, babe:
1) Go to store.
2) Buy milk.
3) Go home. Pour and pour. 4) Change personal ad headline.
REASON #243: Lets see I love laughing and making others laugh aswell. I'm very self motivated, even tho I could be lazy at times lol. I like to cook its like a inner hobby of mine.
So you’re opposed to an outdoor bbq? What do you do on July 4th?
REASON #244: Bald men need love too !
And they deserve it! Bald is sexy…on other men. Good luck to you, sir.
REASON #245: I am up here to network, make friends, and promote my novel (second one coming soon). I have a novel that is currently out for the Kindle and its titled:
"I’m an author who misspelled ‘it’s’ and I am so clever with marketing that I’m using this dating site to promote my wonderful book. I’m not seeking a relationship or commitment of any kind. I don’t even want sex. I’m sure all you women are perusing these ads in search of a great book to read! Well, look no further! Mine is out for the Kindle now (second one coming soon)!”
REASON #246: Love is 9 cents of chemicals acting on the brain.
Say what? Someone’s got no sense of chemicals acting on the brain.
REASON #247: I plan to go back to school and get a dreg
A dreg? You mean like the dregs of humanity? The lowest of the low-life? I don’t have a particular school in mind for you, sweetie, though I might suggest a campus in Vegas, Hollywood, or Jersey Shore.