Hi there! Lifted directly from popular on-line dating sites, and embellished by my italicized snark, I now present reasons 209 through 215 for [not just me but] any straight, single woman to choose celibacy. I am ever shocked by a blatant lack of logic and literary savvy. Somehow, though, they still manage to entertain. Please enjoy.
REASON
#209: Searching For One
God Woman
I think Oprah’s the closest thing
to a God woman you’ll find, buddy. Otherwise,
I might suggest Joan Rivers. She’s God’s age.
REASON
#210: i like hermit crabs and lice. I
like hermit crabs and lice. i like hermit crabs and lice and lice. I eat hermit
crabs and lice. I need hermit crabs and lice. I am eating hermit crabs and lice
right now.I am eatning hermit crabs and lice right now.
No offense, babe, but you’re a
freak who should be expelled to another galaxy. Kindly take your crabs along.
REASON #211: I am
interesting in a relationship.
Is this to say you’re dull as a doorknob
when single?
REASON
#212:
Sapiosexual autonomous autodidact
Say what? Homoerectus,
carcinogenonymus cardictation back to you, sir.
REASON
#213: This one’s photo displays a
shiny bald head. Thus, I’m perplexed by his strategy.
short
hairy men make better lovers
REASON
#214:
look to have goob time
Goobers turn you on, huh, babe?
I’m a big hunk gal myself, but goob luck to ya.
REASON
#215: need a dumb womin
I can’t argue with that.
I can't believe, well I can believe but find it fascinating, that a guy would say he's looking for a dumb girlfriend outright. Funny post as usual Robyn, I do wonder what the strategy was of that guy who said he was interesting when in a relationship only, same for the bald guy's haha.
ReplyDeleteNumber 215 made me laugh out loud...those are truly embarrassing for the male species.
ReplyDeleteI think #210 needs to be committed. And #211 is way too cocky for his own good. Annnnddddddd #215....well, there really are no words for him.
ReplyDeleteHe's interesting - sure....
ReplyDeleteI wonder how dumb a woman would actually have to be to appear dumb to #215. That's a scary thought.
ReplyDeletewhat a bunch of winners there, sure god will want to date after such a profile.
ReplyDeleteThis is what you might call "scary entertainment".
ReplyDeleteWOW! Bahahaha! It just gets better and better!
ReplyDeleteI think #213 is talking about his back hair. At least he could spell. Julie
ReplyDeleteThese are also some of the reasons that I will never, ever leave my husband. My hubby is 6 foot 5 by the way. Short men, not so much...
ReplyDeleteThat last one really made me cackle.
ReplyDeleteYeamie, especially when he's looking for a "womin." Yeah, this one was a particularly perplexing batch.
ReplyDeleteChuck, heck, I'm even embarrassed for men everywhere.
BabySis, there really are no words for any of them. It's getting more and more difficult for me to think of snarky lines.
Alex, yeah, it's doubtful he's interested in a relationship or in singlehood or ever.
KG, good one. I'm laughing, still, and rather loud at that.
Pat, I think even God would be scared by these.
MsA, yes, more scary than funny. I shouldn't read personals at night.
Yvonne, it does getter better and better as it gets worse and worse.
EmptyNest, truth is, he has very hairy eyebrows. I didn't see his back hair, but you're probably right about that too.
Cheers, all. Thanks for sharing the laughter with me.
xoRobyn
PS Alex, I meant "interesting". Got mixed up by his stupidity.
ReplyDeleteStephen, yeah, 215 is dumber than dumb.
#209- What God do you suppose he means? If he is Poseidon and she wants Zeus, I'm thinking she might not get her God. But, that also begs the question- Why would a god be looking for someone on an internet dating site? That's a thinker.
ReplyDeletePriceless examples indeed. Meager pickings. Thanks for sharing, I think. . .
ReplyDeleteHoly Cow! I think I will continue to hold onto the one I've got! =) Enjoyed your humor as always, dear girl!
ReplyDeleteonline dating has produced many lols
ReplyDeleteIt frightens me what is out there and that they actually have the nerve to pass judgment. I'll be short hairy bald man would be the first to say "No Fat Chicks."
ReplyDeleteI'd like to hear him singing the 'hermit crab and lice' song before passing judgement. He could be one of the characters in Sesame Street. The Sapiosexual guy might be the HAL 9000 computer.
ReplyDeleteHahaha the last one made me laugh out loud. All of these are things you couldn't make up if you tried. Classic. :D
ReplyDeleteAnne, one benefit of this series is that I always make the wives hold on tighter to their hubbies. I'm glad it's working for you and your tall man.
ReplyDeleteRuth, very good question. Um, a God is omnipresent?? Ya got me.
DG, "meager" is an understatement, unless one is endeared by a man who's obsessed by hermit crabs and lice.
GB, thanks for offering a few possible explanations. My brain pain is a tad relieved now.
Julie, I have tried and I just can't get that weird or stupid.
Thanks for the laughs, everyone.
xoRobyn
Adam, yes, the ads are good for something.
ReplyDeleteBeth, yes, see my comment to Anne above. Hold onto him, no matter how hairy, tall/short, or dumb.
Melly, you're so right. I bet Baldy has a long list of what to avoid. You said it, sister.
Keep a smile,
xoRobyn
I'm rolling on the floor. I keep thinking one of these reasons for celibacy will finally be my EX. I know it's his picture in the encyclopedia next to the definition.
ReplyDeleteYes. We need to be celibate. LMAO. Great ones.
ReplyDeleteObviously, they're all fine specimens... riiiight. Well, maybe they LOOK good? It's scary to think any female would respond to ANY of those.
ReplyDelete"need a dumb womin"- this reminds me of a job posting I saw. One of the requirements was "needs to be an excallant typer"...
ReplyDeleteFaraway, keep watching. He may show up here. Thanks for making ME laugh.
ReplyDeleteMommaFargo, thank you. Just when you think they can't get any weirder...
Susan, I often wonder if they get responses. If not, do they get a clue? Not likely on either count.
Cest, smiles. Yes. Those are sadly hilarious. I see things like that all the time.
xoRobyn
ooooooooooooooooooooooo SNAP...I think I need you to write my profile for me...since I can't have you I might as well seek and serve.
ReplyDeleteAll funny, but that last one is great! Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteIsn't Oprah God?
ReplyDeletelol at 211 and wtf at 210.
haha at 213 - possibly the greatest stragety known to dating - the man is clearly a genius! er, i think...
I' m confused... but always have a goob time with your glorious Reasons.
xo
too hilarious, but the last one is priceless!
ReplyDeletei am so glad when this showed up i was not drinking anything because the result would have been...spluttering!
xoxo
"short hairy men make better lovers"
ReplyDeleteOMG it's 100% true. I'm leaving my wife for one today. Don't know what I was thinking marrying a beautiful hairless woman. :(
OMG Robyn - funny, I think Joan Rivers is much older than God, tho
ReplyDeleteDamn! And here I went and shaved!
ReplyDeletelove 214 and 215! Too funny
ReplyDeleteCal, just go through all of my 215 reasons for celibacy and don't write any of those things. x
ReplyDeleteRhonda, yeah, that last one's a winning loser. =)
Anthony, we'll see how long Oprah lives. That may answer the question. And, yeah, these get more and more confusing. I'm glad to show you a goob time, though. ;~]
Betty, I am glad I'm not responsible (this time) for you having a messy keyboard.
B (Bryan or Brandon? Sorry, I still don't know who's who), you might consider a surgical procedure and hair implants for your wife, though straying for one day would be easier. Let us know how it goes.
David, good point. Thanks for the laugh.
Al, consider hair implants.
Morethan, they are as funny as they are perplexing. Thanks for dropping by.
Be well, everyone. Thanks for laughing with me.
xoRobyn