Monday, March 12, 2012

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #168 - 175

Well, hello! I've missed you. Just stepped out of a writing cave - dusting self off and releasing fingers from nostrils. It was dank and smelly in there. I'm extra glad to see you. Would you like a sampling of today's most eligible bachelors? Lifted directly from popular on-line dating sites, and embellished by my italicized snark, please accept the following reasons for my choice to live a celibate existence. I hope you get by now that there really is no better option - retreating back into the dank, smelly cave, in search of batteries. For a flashlight, that is. Just a flashlight.
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REASON #168: Im a unemployed pot grower. I am looking for something casual that could grow!
I’m not good for suggestions on the matter, dude. But I hear pot’s about as casual as you can get. Have you tried mixing in soil nutrients?

REASON #169: I am looking for a woman who will live me and everything about me.  
You mean like a Medium, a High-Level Spirit Guide, or an innocent stalker? 

REASON #170: Currently I am planting a garden with vegetables and flowers and Cantalope, wow I love fresh cantalope. I love to study the weather. I am going back to college to earn a Phd in Psychology. I would like to be a Comic that doesn't cuss either... so a mix of a Christian Comic with a Phd. Can you image the Lord Jesus with His head thrown back, in full bellied laughter?!
Wow you mean with a half eaten cantelope resting on his lap, the hot sun rays beaming down on him as he accidentally bangs his head against the bookshelf, knocking over Sigmund Freud’s Psychopathology of Everyday Life? No, babe, I can’t imagine that one.

REASON #171: time does'nt wait for anyone...    
Neither does it wait for appropriate punctuation!n darling,

REASON #172: I want someone exciting. If you are new to the game, or been out of it for awhile, I can understand you not knowing exactly what to say to break the ice. Asking me what my favorite movie is only terrifies me for the future.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space, huh?


REASON #173: Sweep ME of MY Feet =) 
Do they make brooms for that =) ?

REASON #174: I am attending the local junior collage in town.
Keep attending, babe. Keep attending.

REASON #175: I want cant eat or sleep thinking of you feeling
Oh yeah, well I want cant feel you thinking so there

40 comments:

  1. Robyn, those made my Monday! I laughed until lasagna came out my nose...do you now hard you have to laugh for THAT to happen!

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  2. I love Killer Klowns From Outer Space! haha

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  3. These are always good for a laugh!

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  4. #174- Maybe he's gonna make somethin' purty.
    See what ya could be missing out on?

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  5. Ho Ho! If these are actually real, they'd have a better chance of hooking up with a Nigerian scammer than anyone in their local area. The English is about the same.

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  6. hahaha collages can be fun and yeah I think they make brooms for that..haha

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  7. Chuck, lasagna out the nose is the biggest compliment to these buffoons. And yet they'll never know. Thank you!

    Amanda, that's ok. I just hope you love it alone and/or not with any of these guys.

    MsA, thanks. Something about foolishness is funny, I agree.

    Ruth, LOL. Maybe, but where does one go after graduating from collage? Mural?

    Jeremy, well stated. I'm laughing. Thanks for stopping by.

    Pat, collages can be fun. Good point. I wonder what it'd look like to sweep a guy "of his feet." I can't quite picture it.

    Be well, everyone.
    xoRobyn

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  8. When I was dating my wife I invited her upstairs to see my etching collection. She got made when I showed them to her. Go figure.

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  9. After reading all of these...I say the unemployed pot grower shows potential...UGH!
    Blessings, Joanne

    Thanks for visiting my blog today. Your comment was very sweet.

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  10. I don't know why you haven't found a cocoa plant grower yet! If you run out of space in your book, please keep all of this great material combined with your clever comebacks for a new sitcom! Julie

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  11. Great selection. #170 - er, yeah - there's a lot going on in his world, isn't there?

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  12. Wow Robyn, it seems to me like there's honestly so many weirdos who use these dating things, like especially those who can't even get simple things like spelling and punctuation right?

    I guess for every one of your bad entries there are normal people who place advertisements or whatever but it's still disappointing, yet hilarious to see some of the morons that frequent these kind of sites!

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  13. I love your italicized snark!

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  14. These are always hilarious. You couldn't make this stuff up.

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  15. LMAO ~ Maybe these guys should date the Nigerian scammers.

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  16. After reading these, batteries for something other than a flashlight would seem quite appropriate… ;)

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  17. MSOMN!!! Thanks Robyn, Milk Shot out of My Nose all over my Keyboard!

    I; would;like;to ;;; meet you one; day!

    Batter; ies included!

    Love ya sweet gal!@!

    LYMI!!!!

    J

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  18. Is it me or they are hard to understand because they don't realize they don't make much sense? Yeah, it must be me! :)

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  19. Stephen, I understand your then wife-to-be's perspective. A woman's taken aback when she meets a sincerely nice guy. It's a tad disappointing. Kinda like Hurricane Irene that was supposed to do massive damage but didn't.

    Joanne, his potential's growing casually by the second. Thanks back to you.

    Julie, thank you. You're always great for sweet support and viable suggestions. I don't know why I didn't think to look for a local cocoa grower. There must be some around here, at least for casual growing. Right?

    Annalisa, you're making me laugh too. I like it. True, #174 could use a new life or melon.

    Yeamie, my friend, it would be refreshing were there one decent ad for every bad. I'd estimate the ratio is more like 100:1, not that I've counted. =~)

    Kara, thanks so much!

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  20. Cal, no, I couldn't - not even if I fell asleep on a pot and cantelope farm while the winds swept of my feet after a hard day at Jr. Collage.

    Faraways, that's a good idea. Maybe they'll read this string of comments and consider it. On second thought, maybe their collage reading tutors will read it to them.

    Beth, thanks for getting it. Desperate times do sometimes call for new batteries. Wink.

    John, at least your milk wasn't mixed with Chuck's lasagna. That would've been harder to clean. LYMI with rechargeables. Thank you.

    Sarah, either it's you and all of us, or it's all of them. Take your pick. But you can't pick them. You're my friend; I won't let you.

    Thank you all. Your comments on these posts keep me laughing so much, I'm glad I'm not eating lasagna or drinking milk.

    xoRobyn

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  21. Oh, too funny! In the old days, you actually had to meet a guy face to face before discovering the kinda stuff revealed in these snippets. (Oh Lord, do you think they represent the BEST these guys have to offer?)

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  23. "You gasped as he turned water into wine, you applauded when he raised the dead, you scoffed as he made a couple of fish feed a football stadium....let's put your hands together for the Almighty, the Lamb of God and King of Kings Himself....Jeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussssss Christ!!!"
    "Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, Simon Peter, you are a rock! But, I kid.
    Hey, has anyone seen those Romans lately? Yep, no underwear under those togas! But, they sure can conquer!"
    Sure, I can totally see that.
    Swear to God.

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  24. Oh my God, Al. Stop, good Lord, stop I say! This Jewish gal can't stop laughing. He was Jewish, you know, born of a virgin. Wink.

    Susan, that's the scary part - yes, it's their best. I know because I've met a sample of them (i.e., men doing internet dating) in person. They're much worse face-to-face, if you can believe that.

    xoRobyn

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  25. I'm gonna have a whole lotta 'splainin' to do.
    A few thousand years in Purgatory for me, for sure.

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  26. And this is why I'm still a single v-card holder. Seriously, those are the types that seem to cross my path.

    The "live me, everything about me" guy...yeah, there was one guy who used "me" and "I" so much, I knew there was no room for a woman in his life--he was too much about himself.

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  27. I do worry about you cooped up in that dank cave but then I see the talent available to you and... yep, you're safer in the cave! What a lot of losers there are out there.

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  28. Makes me glad I'm not dating, that's for sure. :)

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  29. LMAO!! Oh man these guys are something else. I think all together they have one half of a functioning brain.

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  30. lol! collages can be fun!

    i just know i can count on you for a good laugh!

    thanks for this witty post sweet friend!

    big hugs!

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  31. Laughing my socks off and SOOO glad I didn't ever have to go this route! The cantaloupe one really cracks me up.

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  32. Thanks, Alex. I was starting to miss it too.

    Al, take a cantelope with you. I heard it can get pretty heated there.

    Frisky, you're a much smarter woman than most. And yeah, those guys' egos leave no room for a paper clip, much less a woman, in their lives.

    Rosalind, thank you. It is much safer and a lot less bewildering in this cold, dark, dank cave. Ah, pure bliss! (Of course I didn't forget to keep plenty of chocolate in store for the winter.)

    MPax, I am always glad to help others appreciate their situations. The grass is always greener, except from the other side of men's dating ads.

    Melissa, you're much nicer than me. Rather than crediting them with one half of a brain, combined, I'd say it's more like one half a functioning brain cell - when they're at their sharpest.

    Betty, thank you. I'm always glad to make you laugh. Your posts always cheer and inspire so many of us.

    Margo, I'm a cantelope fan. I don't know if I'll be able to eat it again without laughing.

    xoRobyn

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  33. Oh....hell.
    Well, I'll get to see Dad, anyway.

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  34. @ #168...lmao! I'll bet he's mellow :0)

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  35. Hilarious, wished I had seen these earlier when a couple of mag rejections had me in the dumps.
    God, what is the world coming to, the male species...we really need to explore earth like planets to save womankind from such torture. ;)

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  36. Ah Robyn, these are just too funny for words...


    .
    .
    .


    see?

    ;)

    I went to Collage too..


    xo

    ps there's that grat movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space again! It must be destiny!

    xo

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  37. HA! Those are so funny. Funny and pathetic. I guess that makes my gender pretty pathetic...

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  38. I do'nt like to image anything. If they make brooms that sweep people of their feet, will you let me know? Thanks. :)

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