Meryl Streep Visits Life by Chocolate: IWSG

 

Welcome to March of 2015's IWSG. As you know, it's thanks to the incomparable Alex J. Cavanaugh that scores of us gather to admit to insecurities and lend each other encouragement.  I strive for laughter. That's what we need most. Sure, we need love too, but laughter's free (it requires no investment) and easily accessible. So let's move onto mocking the rich and famous.   Key: Robyn's dialog / Meryl's actual quotes , fake quotes

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm ecstatic to present you with perhaps the most phenomenal, versatile, and exceptionally gifted actress of all time. Let's welcome, Meryl Streep! Jennifer Aniston pops up and takes pictures, cheerfully shouting, "Selfie! Selfie!" Meryl sports an aged, re-re-polished Oscar. Robyn greets Meryl with a high-five. She directs Meryl to sit in an Oscar de la Renta chair. Robyn plops onto a gray folding chair designed by and for Nobody Important (e.g., Macaulay Culkin). You're so amazing! My goodness! I remember so, so long ago when the Oscars meant The Meryl Streep Show. Robyn chuckles. And you're still so elegant even though you're a 65 year old senior. WOW! 65! How does it feel to take roles now as women in their fifties? Meryl's eyebrows shoot up. Frankly, the reason I chose the movies that I did was based on where they were being filmed.
Robyn nods. Makes sense. I mean, why belt out endless whiny versions of "Mamma Mia, here I go again" if you can't tour Greece? Tell me, with all your talent and glory and age, how do you stay grounded, Merls?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Interesting. That's why I'm not spoiled, Robyn jokes (but not really), I don't iron!

Furthermore, if everyone that had two cars had a Prius instead of an SUV, we wouldn’t be in the Middle East right now.
I'm beginning to realize why they sat you and J Lo together in the front row for the very --Robyn raises her index and third fingers to make quotation marks in the air--special guests.
I jest, Ms. Streep, but you're a wonderful actress and a strong family woman. You've raised four kids and have a long term marriage.

I once read that in any good marriage, one partner is the gardener and the other is the garden. We take it in turns to be either. Robyn nods slowly, perplexed. You mean one of you spreads seeds while the other hoes?
Meryl changes the topic. I love Chinese movies and don't get enough of them in the United States and that's why people hold film festivals to make others aware of films in other countries.
Yeah, Godzilla was pretty cool. Cheech 'n Chong's stuff is classic too. What's next for you, girlfriend? Have you, say, ever written a book? Meryl bites her lip. Well, uh -- she looks at her diamond encased Oscar de la Renta watch -- I'm afraid I must depart. Robyn fist-pumps the air, as a sign of victory. I take that as a "no." Jennifer Aniston scurries to get in a selfie with Robyn and Meryl. While posing for the photo, Robyn checks Oscar for anatomical correctness.*  The show ends.

Thank you for visiting.
We would like to thank our sponsors, the cast and crew of Birdman, for making it all possible.

*It has none.

Valentine's Erotica! and Love for Melissa

For so many reasons, I hate Valentine's Day. Even though I currently have a sweet beau, my V-Day venom broils over. For one, the world would be much better off if self-worth was the standard, versus dependence on some prince/princess to bring happiness, status, red roses, and crappy non-fair trade chocolate packaged in huge heart-shaped containers making it appear as though you'll be set through menopause--when, upon opening it, you need a microscope to decipher a few lousy shards of cocoa...I'll quit now. 

Buy your chocolate before prices sky-rocket, or wait for the after-V. Day sales.

I love you, my dear sillies, and I hope you liked this poem.

Much love to my sister-bloggy friend, Melissa Bradley. Her heart's huge; her sassy wit, remarkable; and Melissa writes the hottest erotica I've ever read. Please send healing thoughts her way. If it's your practice, prayers are requested. She's dealing with beastly news. We love you, Melly. We're cheering you on. You got this!

Take care of you, every one of you.

Where Are They Now? IWSG 2014 Grand Finale

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Life by Chocolate's year-end screening of the IWSG. Blogland's phenomenal writer, author and more importantly, friend to all, Alex J. Cavanaugh, founded this phenomenal group.

On the first Wednesday of every month for the past 3+ years, I've marked the occasion by interviewing some of the dimmest and most arrogant of celebrities. And since they took the stage at Life by Chocolate, they've gone on to do things like...transition to another gender (e.g., Bruce Jenner), reunite with Dracula's understudy (e.g., Jennifer Aniston), and die (e.g., Joan Rivers). They've also gotten manicures (e.g., Bruce Jenner), worn their hair in pony tails (e.g., Bruce Jenner), and were dumped (e.g., Honey Boo Boo's Mama and Bruce Jenner). Let's take a look:

What's my point? I don't have one, though it appears that a guest spot on my show is only the tip of the iceberg.The pay isn't great either, so these folks were doubly cursed.

But I'm grateful that you've visited us month after month. It's been fun. I suppose through all the nonsense, I've just wanted to make you laugh. I've also wanted to vent frustrations about the fact that the most popular and richest are often the most vacuous and stupid. Were I an altogether secure, enlightened, zen person, this wouldn't bother me. On a positive note, I clearly need to continue with the IWSG. I've more work to do. Thus, as we enter 2015, we'll continue to conquer the insecurity thing and become more secure writers - together. Right? Right! Write!

On another note: I'll be relocating the Life by Chocolate studio in the coming week or so. This is to say that I'm moving and might not be very active in blogland. I'm not able to stay away for too long, though, so I'll be seeing you soon.

Be well, friends.
Happy Final IWSG for 2014, and Happy December!
 

Interview with Jennifer Aniston: IWSG

 

Founded by none other than our Alex, the IWSG provides a venue to express writerly insecurities and offer words of encouragement. Join us, if you're not already on-board. All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, we've met a number of well-hated celebrities here at Life by Chocolate. So let's try something different. Let's welcome America's sweetheart! "Sandra Bullock is here? Woohoo!" a deep-voiced man shouts. No, sorry. Sandra was busy. Today we welcome Jennifer Aniston!

Wild applause overtakes the studio. As it fades, though, Robyn is hammered by a hailstorm of Legos. The cameraman turns toward the culprits: 27 children of various skin hues occupying the front row, each sporting a t-shirt that reads, "My Mommy is Better Than Jen". The kids are sandwiched between a scraggly haired, stone-faced zombie on one end and a sultry, long-legged woman with ginormous lips on the other. This woman abruptly stands up and directs the army to depart with her. A spaced-out zombie strolls shyly behind. The exit door slams loudly.

Robyn: Now that it's quieted down, come on out here Jen!

Jennifer Aniston walks out to center-stage, looking as cute as ever in a bright red dress that exposes a teaser of cleavage. She smiles cheerfully and shakes Robyn's hand.

Robyn: Thank you, Jen. I really, really - Robyn's staring at her cleavage - sorry. She forces her head up to make eye contact with Jennifer. It's just really nice to have a sweet, beautiful celebrity here for a change. Please have a seat. Robyn points at a flimsy wooden table chair. Oh, they're from ROSS. Get it, ROSS! Robyn elbows her playfully, as Jen imparts a courtesy grin. They both take a seat.

Robyn: I invited you here, Jen, because I'm insecure about being single. I write in first-person, so this directly affects my writing. I give off the image that I'm happy being single, better off, in fact. Thing is, I am. Maybe. But I'm not sure. Not totally. I still hold hope that I'll meet someone fabulous, but I don't want to have hope for that. I mean, I want to be perfectly content being single. You know? Jen's eyebrows are raised. She's completely dumbfounded. If I'm sincere, my writing will be stronger. And you, well, you always seem so poised and happy, even though you haven't been able to keep a ma--

Jennifer interrupts. Well, I'm doing well. Thank you. Justin and I are still engaged, and we're just working out the details, that's all. She forces a smile.

Robyn: Justin, yeah, I'm glad you mentioned him. Let's look at this picture of the two of you. Robyn holds up this photo:  You're beautiful, Jen. So why settle for that? Are you that desperate to be with a man? What is it about him: the widows peak, the heavily pronounced eye brows? Or his expansive forehead? Jen squirms in her seat and pulls out a tissue from her purse. Or is it his relationship history? He was with the last one for, how long? 15 years, but never married. You've been engaged for a year but still have no wedding date. Oh, sweetie, you and Brad were beautiful together, til he dumped you for that big-lipped woman. Jen snatches up her purse and begins to scramble through it. 

Jennifer: I've gotta go. I have a phonecall. Ta ta. She departs readily and we can hear her pouting as she exits the stage.

Robyn: Oops, I didn't mean to make her cry. She's so cute, isn't she? Robyn turns toward the back stage and shouts "Sorry, Rachel. I mean, Jen. You're very cute. I'd even switch teams for you if you were willing." Next Robyn focuses on Justin's eyebrows. That does it. I'm cured. Singledom is best!