Trump Slammed by Xifaxan and Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit

Late breaking news: CNN just announced that Donald Trump's bowels are irritating and irritable, yet extremely liberal regarding movement in gender neutral bathrooms. When interviewed at a unisex urinal somewhere in DC, an anonymous source close to Trump stated this: "Trump has diarrhea and abdominal pain." Clearly, folks, the Donald is challenged by IBS-D, Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea. Thus, we've very generously slammed his head-top with Xifaxan for IBS-D, rifaximin 550 mg tablets.  Will this Xifaxandoodoodoo stop Trump from being a poo-poo head? We certainly hope so.  

Speaking of irritating bowels, Martha's back!
"I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her 'I'm so over Commoners' glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail, but -yes- a sheep and small camel were involved."