Dear Sillies,
She smiles bravely for the cameras. She sports a new, peppy, Canadian sky-blue hat and dress-suit designed by William is My Everything, Inc.
Yet in an earth-shattering move, her beloved Prince Harry and his beautiful new wife Meghan, with their precious baby unfortunately named "Archie," abandoned her Majesty to pursue life in the beautiful great North that is Canada.
Is Queen Elizabeth truly honey nut cheerios amid this shocking news, or are her royal granny panties in a grand bunch royally? Life by Chocolate has the story!
First -- Robyn rolls out the world's biggest English apple fruit roll-up, which spans the length of the stage -- Let's rise to welcome the oldest, most longstanding Queen, the old one who's been standing since she took Sir Loin for her last ride (and perhaps vice versa) many a fortnight ago, Queen Elizabeth II!
93 year old Queen Elizabeth struts methodically across the fruit roll-up, her 98 year old sleep-walking husband by her side. They stop in front of Robyn, center stage. Prince Philip drops sluggishly onto the stage floor.
Robyn Oh my, is that guy okay?
Queen Elizabeth Who knows? Frankly, who cares? Ta-ta, my Philly beefsteak. It was long and sometimes hard. Well, not quite long. Not real hard either. She smirks.
Robyn I hear ya. The long, hard combo. Few are so lucky. Back to you, Lizzy. You're most important. Robyn flashes a cheesy smile at the Queen and then at the camera. I just love Harry and Meghan for breaking free! I'm all about hashtag "Go Megs and Harry," you know?!
Queen Elizabeth's face reddens. She glares at Robyn and pushes up her middle finger as if to adjust her hat. My William are Kate are magnificent!
Robyn Not really. William's bald. He had plenty of hair until, wait. Did you cause it? Don't answer that. Robyn looks directly at the camera. Shout out to Prince William: Rogaine!
Queen Elizabeth looks perplexed.
Robyn enunciates and pushes her fists in a rowing manner along her side -- "row" and then, Robyn cups her boobies and bounces them up and down (which she appears to really enjoy doing) -- "gain." Row-gain!
Queen Elizabeth I know what it is, certainly. Philly needed it for his nether regions some time ago. However, are all Americans quite as rude as you?
Robyn thinks for a moment. Yep. She belches, unplanned too. We're rude. Stupid too. We dunno this booze-wahzee biz. Is that where Hillary started a war or somethin? We hate imperial margarine sh*t. But Harry and Meghan. Love 'em! Archie, though--unfortunate name. Surely it's easy to change your name in Canada. God bless Trudeau. I mean, what a hottie! Right? And let's be real, one can hardly change their name, much less their Depends, in your--
Queen Elizabeth appears aghast. She shouts Up! Prince Charles jumps up and escorts her sheepishly, sleepishly off the stage.
Robyn What can I say, people? God bless Canada! Hashtag "Go Harry and Megs but for the grace of God change your baby's name," and today's show is sponsored by Rogaine. Grow new, thick hair within weeks. Weeks! Robyn winks.
Chocolate cheerios, my friends! Chocolate cheerios!
