Dear Guys Who I've Been Not Dating These Days,
What is wrong with you? Never mind,
I don’t have the time.
Here’s some unsolicited advice.
· Dude
1, DO NOT fail to call a woman when you say you will and then contact her the
following week with no excuse for your failure to call earlier except “I was
busy.” Don’t then engage her in a second in-depth conversation, at the end of which
you promise a phone-call about a plan for the upcoming Saturday night. Then, don’t
fail to contact her to make said plan for Saturday night. By all means, don’t have the nerve to show
up with a buddy at the club you’d suggested you’d go to together on Saturday night. When she sees
you at this club on Saturday night, and the music stops (conveniently, between songs), and all
eyes on you, all ears on her, and she inquires angrily about your inability to use
a phone, twice now, don’t say this: “I lost your number, and I didn’t want to
go through my phone to leave messages.” Because when she publicly shames you, after
which she exchanges fist-bumps with a male friend, and the crowd looks on
approvingly (or sympathetically, or perhaps, fearfully because, as male
friend says, she’s “pretty intimidating!”), you’ll feel smaller than you
already are. Don’t do it, dude.
·
Dude
2, DO NOT text her 10 times between the night you met and 1pm the next day. Don’t
write, “So your ignoring my messages. LOL.,” and when she responds the next
morning with “Got home late, needed sleep,” don’t reply: “Apologies, but who is
this?” and then, “Robyn/Gal’s name, this is dude 2 from last night.” She knows.
Stop! Don’t do it, dude. PS Learn about the apostrophe.
·
Dude
3, DO NOT have a cute, endearing smile and tell her how much you want to see
her, after telling her you’re not ready for a relationship, and after dissing
her to go sell baseball cards on EBay. Don’t take for granted that she’ll wait
for you to man up, or that she wants to hang out in the friend-zone. Go for a grand slam, if you earn her trust back first, or don’t play at all. Don’t
do it, dude.
Dude 4,
DO NOT get or stay in your usual drunken state at a party, chat with a
lady in a crowded room, tell her you're married, and -out of the blue- pucker your
lips and lean in towards her, as if she would be happy to kiss you. Eww, what is wrong with you? Never mind, I
don't have the time. Don't do it, dude.
Dear
Sillies,
I
hope you’re safe.
Second, I
hope you’re feeling strong--spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
I’m
fine. These petty annoyances are my fault for failing to swear off the male
species. But who knew the "not dating" thing could be so irritating? If I’m going to
continue to not date, I’d like a little action on the side (with a nonmarried, decent one), you know? Oy vey.
Love
you.
Take care.
