Dear Sillies,
Serious announcement: Martha Stewart is today's Sports Illustrated pinup girl.
I asked Martha if she wore the same garb as our joint* Christmas card in 1994. *By joint, I mean that we shared one and some spiked eggnogg before the shoot. Martha was much..."looser", shall we say? back in the day.
"Oh, gaw-d no. That was just awful," Martha retorted. I mean, I agree. I used photoshop to drop me into the photo to slenderize the ole hag. It didn't help.
Actual quotes are yellowed.
Okay, yeah, color me jealous. The 81 year old self-infatuated, criminal prima donna looks hot! I can't upload the cover photo, because of all sorts of legal sh*t. But if you have a thing for ancient women whose bellies are restrained with the same amount of protection necessitated by Prince William's bald head, kindly make the purchase and let us know what you think.
When called for an interview, Snoop Dogg responded with a staunch and lengthy, enthusiastic bark!
"It's a testament to good living," adds the upper echelonic iconic senior with senior status symbols of the highest status, who's a privileged diva criminal millionaire (or-is-it-billionaire?) completely detached from all commoners everywhere.
Martha accents her moment of glorious-albeit-limited exposure by stating "The whole aging thing is so boring." Sure, sweets. You're rather boring. May we all live to that boring age of 81 and beyond and be able to enjoy a fraction of your wealth so we can have a minute of that boring good life you so easily and fortuitously advise. YAWN!
I would like to thank my sweet boyfriend of almost 2 years (Can you believe it? Me neither!) for news of this story. I told him last night that I was desperately scraping the barrel's bottom to find something to post. We're talking Bennifer scraps. He upgraded or downgraded or side-graded things towards this rich boredom.
You go Miss Martha Stewart!!
ReplyDeleteShe does rock it, but who wants to see it? Snoop does. That's who.
DeleteI see from the photos online that Martha has learned MY secret of strategic camouflage and calculated positioning of limbs! Never underestimate those. Oh, and good lighting!
ReplyDeleteGreat synopsis. Plus, as my beau pointed out, 18 layers of makeup. Next, photoshopping and filtering with wreckless abandon.
DeleteI am not sure I do thank your sweet boyfriend. A sight like that means that breakfast here has been delayed while I recover.
ReplyDeleteOh I know. I'm sorry, hon. I'll chew him out for you.
DeleteI sent you the picture.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mike. Got it and responded. =)
DeleteYeah, I want that kind of boring life. Don't want to see the cover though.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I hear ya Alex. A boring life doesn't include having to see THAT. Smiles.
DeleteRobyn, when I heard she was on the cover of Sport's Illustrated, I thought of you! The smoothness of her skin may be from photo shop or from those years she spent out of the sun and behind bars!
ReplyDeleteGood one, Jeff. Yes, those years out of the sun and behind bars. More likely, lots of photoshopping and filtering and whatever was needed.
DeleteHope you're well.
Nothing like being 81 with plastic surgeon on speed dial. I bet she told the fixer uppers which parts to erase and which to enhance. Listen her sagging tatas probably can hold up a soaking wet towel by now. I'll applaud Sports Illustrated when they have Martha Schwartz on the cover with 2 plastic hips, , Grey hair tied in a bun and 0 face lifts, chemical peels or botox plus whatever else they did to that face.
ReplyDeleteYou're hilarious, Birgit. Thank you. Yeah, I'd much rather see Martha Schwartz or someone more...human. And she DID say "I better look good" before the photoshoot, as if she was gonna sue them for making her look like her 81 year old annoying self.
DeletePlastic surgeon on speed dial - LOL!
ReplyDeleteI know. Birgit's the best with sassy (and truthful) wording!
DeleteI saw it. Not being a hater when I ask, what the hell is the gold thing she's wearing with it? Who would wear that to the beach or the pool?
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 2 years!! And he's finding blog fodder??? So sweet!
DeleteThanks, Elizabeth. Yeah, why did they dress her in some sort of staypuff marshmallow coverage? They took a lot of other pictures that I think were better. But this one makes it so obvious that they were coving up as much of her body as they could.
DeleteYeah, somehow, my sweetie catches glimpses of current events and pop culture. He was appalled at hearing about Martha. So he is indeed a good one!
*covering up
DeleteI think every teenage boy just vomited in their mouth a little bit.
ReplyDeleteHaha. And every adult and senior straight man, except - perhaps?- Snoop Dogg.
Delete