Age, Debt and Taxes

To all of my tax paying friends stricken by financial woes:

Like age, debt is just a number. Right? Right!

This too (tax time) shall pass...until next year.

Have a good week regardless.

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #176-181

Hi, friends. I'm back with a sampling of today's most eligible bachelors. At least they seem to think they are. Lifted directly from popular on-line dating sites, and embellished by my italicized snark, please accept the following reasons for my choice to live a celibate existence. I hope you get by now, there's no viable alternative. 

Have a great weekend. May your every momonet be devoid of boardom.

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REASON #176: Im board. Wish I could meet some cool girl to hang out with.

You mean to say you’re an uncastrated male swine? Or are you simply bored? If so, see below.

REASON #177: if your bored its probably because your boring :D

True. And if this is your idea of an alluring headline for your personal ad, it’s probably because you’re an idiot. :D

REASON #178: What am I chopped liver haha

I’m sure you’re not, babe; I like chopped liver.

REASON #179: New in town and ready to get it in!!!! 

Sounds sexual. Judging from your shirtless photo and delightfully chiseled abs, I’d like to invite you to do so. I mean - clearing throat and composing self -  good luck to you, sir. Have a nice day.

REASON #180: Looking for a moman who loves to be love

You want a moman who loves to embody love? Are you cousins with the next guy? The one who talks about the momonet, which my wise friend Ruth defines as “a moment according to Monet”?

Warning and apologies, repeat ad headline: Im at a lost for words at the momonet.... 

REASON #181: Cmon! Hop on! Wegoing to Blissville via Happytown!

With somber regret, I must decline. But cmon ‘n toss over whatever you’re hopped up on! Then Igo to Blissville via Happytown alone!!

Dear Virtual People: An Open Letter to Cyberspace

Dear Virtual People, and by this I mean anyone who’s ever tweeted, re-tweeted, favorited; facebook statused, liked, poked or tagged; blogged, followed, or commented; and anyone who’s ever operated or considered operating any  device through which to access cyberspace,

Let’s talk. Then again, you probably don’t want to. Most Virtual People don’t roam about cyberspace to engage in the art of discourse - excepting the warmhearted blog community that invests with earnest in human connection. This is rare. That’s the problem, and it’s monstrous: the rapid pace at which we’re blasted by bits of news or inanity, much of which propels us further from humanity.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with meaningless shards launched through cyberspace. In fact, I’m responsible for some of it (e.g., my recent tweet series “originating” from Snooki’s fetus, poor thing). I believe in mocking the world’s idiots - especially those earning millions for being themselves. Deny it or not, life is really tough for most. And we could use regular doses of hearty laughter. So, why not at the expense of those who can afford it (and the country of Belize)?

Pure hatred, though, has no place here nor anywhere.  Last week I saw a tweet that paired Jews and ovens in the same message, with seeming levity. I was sickened to a point of tears. I’d previously followed this twitterer without pause; he seemed funny. In the few seconds it took me to message and then un-follow him, his fan base shot from 6,496 to 6,500. I find this highly disturbing. Hate spreads like wildfire, even faster when propelled by the social media AND disguised as lighthearted banter.  

Listen, Virtual People, we are the privileged few; only 25% of the world’s population has access to the Internet.  Let’s use this privilege for good and not evil. Towards that end, I’m setting some rules:

DON’Ts:

•  If you spent your workday playing Angry Birds and downing beer, don’t boast about it. Much of the world is unemployed. Nearly half of the labor force earns $2.50 per day, and many risk their lives to bring home this pittance.  Keep your spoils under wraps. Thank you.

• If you’ve enjoyed an orgasmic foot or other body-part massage by the world’s greatest lover, the one you’re unbelievably lucky to have captured, don’t boast about it. Spare us from nausea (and crazed jealousy). Thank you.

• If you ONLY spew bragging bits about yourself, partner, or child/ren, stop. It’s annoying. Thank you.  

•  If you’ve just returned from a fabulous trip, share photos but not all 500 of them. Thank you.

• Do not ever post mean and stupid, hateful messages, “joking” or not. Thank you.

DO:         

• Spread cheer, compassion and humor. We need it. Thank you.

 Finally, a NOTE ON THE POKE: The poke’s a unique tool, worthy of special mention. Keep in mind that, when considering poking, the intended recipient might not be in the mood and may thus be unresponsive. Repeated poking could be construed as harassment. Tread gently.

Thank you, Virtual People!