Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. But you already know that. What you might not know is that even us --Martha clears her throat-- mature women enjoy a good *bleep* now and then. So I stitched together a black underwire DDD-cup brassiere, a finely detailed leopard print mid-section slenderizing torso wrap, and a pair of basic black nylon thigh hugsies. As you can see, the resulting product is this elegant yet sultry and all-purpose "Bite Me!" Bodice. The cost is only $3,893. Oh wait, I hear one of my servants coming this way. Let's see how it works. Toodles. 
It is early in the challenge, but I do find myself hoping that someone does bite her. Hard. And that she bleeps off. Permanently.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt I will be focussing on her lack of cleverness and charm tomorrow. Among other things.
That would make for a nicer world, EC.
DeleteThank you.
I must second EC here. Being a retired gardener, I cannot forget or excuse what Ms. Stewart did to landscaper, Matthew Munnich in1997.
ReplyDeleteJust looked up that story, Geo. She is a first class b*tch with no morals, plain and simple. She's ruined so many lives. The Martha Stewart chairs that amputated people limbs - and of which, of course, she claimed no knowledge or blame - disgusting.
DeleteI wouldn't want that outfit - it's been on Martha Stewart's body. That's a complete and total turn-off.
ReplyDeleteYeah, she should be offering to pay people for it - but no amount of money would do.
DeleteNasty piece of goods that girl.......I do wish her luck with her titanium body suit though lol.
ReplyDeleteHaha, thanks Delores.
DeleteAnd did you know that, back in the day, Martha was a model of swimsuits... among other things.
ReplyDeleteOh wait! Did you hear that kind of splooshy explosion? Either someone did bite her and now has a mouth full of saline, or........ heads are exploding from imagining Ms. Plastic Personality in a swimsuit.
Excellent. Another BEST COMMENT AWARD, Jacq. Oh my, thank you for the laughs!
DeleteWhat has been seen cannot be unseen...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for that, Martha (the good Martha).
DeleteOuch....corsets.....can't breathe....I am so grateful that Russell isn't interested in the whole lingerie thing. I asked him recently if there were any fantasy type things he wanted me to do (we were watching Friends and Ross mentioned Leia in the gold bikini to Rachel) and I was so relieved when he said, 'No....naked works best for me'. Thank god. lol OK, was that TMI????
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome. Not TMI. The same episode of friends inspired me to ask my then beau what turned him on. His answer: pastel. Can you believe that? What kind of man gets hot over pastel undergarments. So there I was at Victoria's secret buying pastel bras and panties. I may've worn them a few times for him, broke it off, and tossed them in the trash. TMI? LOL.
DeleteShe'd make everyone go blind if she strutted around in that. But then maybe she could take a good bite out of crime?
ReplyDeleteShe's a criminal herself, so that would be interesting and not at all a pretty site.
DeleteJustin Bieber's roast quote instantly came to mind. I didn't watch it, but I did see his Martha Stewart quote in the news headlines. ;)
ReplyDeleteI just caught up on that, Rosey. Some sassy, smart person wrote solid lines for her. But in the end, she tells Bieber to call her. Is that not the grossest image ever - Martha and Bieber? I feel sick.
DeleteI didn't read that part, hahaahaa Def. not a pretty picture. Either of them, actually, but together? No def. not.
DeleteRobyn, I always admire your creativity with these sorts of things. The only drawback I can see for you (as the writer) is having to dig around inside MS's world for the relevant stuff that screams MS. This is one lady that really annoys me, and I don't envy you the task.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, this was really funny. She is so OUT OF TOUCH with what real people think, want, and find affordable that I laughed aloud at the price of that godawful thing.
You, though, are a gem. I mean that.
Thank you, Robin. You're a gem as well.
DeleteDigging through Martha's things isn't fun. I get lost just trying to find a front door to any of her mansions.
Sounds like a costly adventure to bite her... I am in, teeth sharpened....
ReplyDeleteShe's ready for you, Jeremy. Bite really hard, for all of us. PLEASE.
DeleteImmature men enjoy a *bleep* now and then, too.
ReplyDeleteLOL. I hope so, Al. Just don't go *bleeping* the Stewy. You're better off on your own or -dare I say?- with Bones. Ewww, sorry.
DeleteThe Lord helps those who help themselves.
DeleteIn other words, I get better when I practice.
"bleep" ing funny.
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing. Thanks, Joanne.
Delete*cringes* I'd never want to see her in a corset.
ReplyDeleteTrue. Really, she's the only one who wants to see herself in a corset (and I forgot what those were called). Then again, she sleeps with her dogs, so I'm guessing they wouldn't mind.
DeleteMartha in lingerie... that is disturbing.
ReplyDeleteThat it is, Ruth. That it is.
DeleteAmazing price - I think I'll order two!
ReplyDeleteWhy not make it a dozen DC? Smiles.
DeleteTalk about kitten with a whip or in her case, an old cat coughing up a fur ball. The poor pool boy
ReplyDeleteKudos on another great comment, Birgit. You and Jacqueline are cracking me up these days.
DeleteHahaha! Awesome. =D
ReplyDeleteThank you, RaShelle, and thanks for dropping by.
DeletePoor Martha.
ReplyDeleteYes but that lady is anything but poor, Jo.
DeleteThanks for visiting.
Martha receiving her "just desserts"
ReplyDeleteGood one, Sage. And we're only just begun with the just desserts. Smiles.
DeleteThat sums it up nicely.
ReplyDeleteMartha's really going for the cougar look here, huh?
ReplyDeleteShe's trying desperately, Theresa. Bieber didn't go for her, so she's still trying to work it.
DeleteThe Mexicans at my old job used to cut a picture of Martha out of the pop-tags for our cushions and put them in their wallets pretending she was their girlfriend. Or for afternoon hand-exercise, Never cared which.
ReplyDeleteDoes that mean they were turned on by her, CW? And what's the relevance to the fact that they were/are Mexican? They liked the fair skinned older cold and cunning b*tch? Or did they not know what a b*tch she is, because she's mainly a White-bred and worshipped phenomenon? At any rate, that's very funny. Thanks.
Delete1- Apparently so. 2- relevance being that the white guys (a small minority in that place) were smart enough to know it was a 10-15 year old pic, and the bosses were about ready to declare selective neutering.
DeleteAll things Martha are a turn off!
ReplyDeleteAgree, Stephen. Only her canines might argue that. She sleeps with them, you know.
DeleteGreat rack for a mature woman ;)
ReplyDeleteHaha, good comment, Michael. Thanks.
DeleteAt least it's reasonably priced!
ReplyDeleteJulie
Martha, you never looked so good.
ReplyDeleteUmmm...it's a shame I'm going to bed in a minute...I think I'm going to have nightmares. ;)
ReplyDeleteWomen's prison changed Martha.
ReplyDelete