And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed old *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her "I'm so over Commoners" glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail. Let your fantasies take over from here.

44 comments:

  1. I'm so glad Queen Elizabeth came back for an encore! Yes, anyone can have one voyeur, but two ooze of affluence among other things. Jack Black looks like he's ready for a hoedown., aka Martha on Molly.

    Julie

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    1. A hoedown is right, Julie! *Can't stop laughing over here.*

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  2. Jack Black for some comic relief. Perfect!

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    1. And other relief, if you know what I mean. =)

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    1. I think he just needed to get away from that family thing he's doing, but if this doesn't make him run back, nothing will.

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  4. That mannequin is just sooooo wrong. lol

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  5. I always have to look around to make sure the kids aren't up yet when I pull up your A-Z. hahahahhahaha

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    1. Haha, thank you, Rosey. I wouldn't want to damage any kids' minds.

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  6. Writing the music for this fantasy porn... as we speak. it's got a lot chica-bow-wows in it... ;)

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    1. Perfect, Jeremy! Blast those chica-bow-wows!

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  7. Did Jack Black get detention from the School of Rock? Now he'll be rocking a whole other way, in the corner trying to purge the memories away

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  8. Hasn't Queen Elizabeth suffered enough?

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  9. Wow! Thanks for the, um, visuals, Robyn! Haha

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    1. Anytime, Dawn. They get weirder and more disturbing as we get closer to Z.

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  10. X-Rated and Queen Elizabeth? In the same post?
    Oh...behave.

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  11. Fantasies...nightmares. Whichever.

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    1. There's a fake man in either scenario, Ruth.

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  12. I can't imagine (anyone) doing the Queen. Or Martha, which is why the inflatable guy makes so much sense.

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    1. No living breathing entity would, Jono. Not even a sheep. Ewe! and EWWW!

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  13. The Queen does not approve, so it seems.

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    1. I think she wants him all to herself, Theresa.

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  14. The poor Queen - pursed lip look is locked tight. This whole A to Z has been rather X - you've outdone yourself.

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    1. Thanks Joanne. I'd like to say I owe it all to Martha. Wait, what did I just write? I'd like to say I take all the credit for the fact that Martha Stewart is so easy to mock. That's more like it.

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  15. Model is quite handsome but just doesn't seem to have the muscular substance to rip a bodice. Jack could help. Queen is obviously suspicious of the whole plan.

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    1. That's an astute assertion, Geo. I'm laughing about the "muscular substance to rip a bodice." You word things so well.

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  16. Somehow I always suspected the Queen didn't approve of Martha.

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  17. Is the anatomically correct genitalia anatomically functional? A mannequin that has to be blown up before it works is cheap and nasty.

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    1. It does go erect, GB, but it only spews hot air.

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  18. Oh, like Liz hasn't tried it...

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  19. Oh my I agree with the Queen. The poor guy who enters her sex domain will not survive

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    1. It's also true for the mannequins and blow-up dolls, Birgit.

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  20. I have to hand it (so to speak) to you - of all the A To Z'ers out there, you are probably the only one who didn't have to struggle with the letter X. But, I am afraid I must correct you. Jack Black rockin' the night away like that? The Queen does not approve. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

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    1. Plus, he's a family man and nice Jewish guy, Bookworm. What got into him? Or what got into Martha? Or...I'll quit while I've plummeted far below sea level.

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  21. Too bad Queen Elizabeth doesn't have any power over them. She could really do some damage to Martha. Lock her away, throw her in a lake...something.

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  22. WOW! I'd like to say, "We are not amused, " but we ARE!!!

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  23. That's a fantasy I do not want to imagine... omg.. lol

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  24. A mannequin! BAHAHAHA... A step up from the blow-up doll?

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