Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Year End Top 20 Comments, Starring YOU!


   As we bid farewell to 2014, the cast and crew of Life by Chocolate thank you for another year of friendship, laughter, caring, and silly banter. It was an amazing year, and you’ve supported me through it all. Much gratitude. I’m looking forward to continued, new, and renewed blogland connections in 2015.
   Now, let’s look back. I reviewed your comments and chose my favorite 20. Please don’t be hurt if you didn’t make the cut. I still love you. You’re just more stable than the majority of my viewing audience. 
   Note that these aren’t really ordered, but the last three (numbers 1-3) are my favorites. What is/are yours?
   Have a wonderful, safe New Year's, and enjoy!

20) Bossy Betty You say "Cow Pelvis" to me and I'll go anywhere.

19) A Beer For The Shower She's pretty smug for an undercooked slab of bacon. And am I the only one who was surprised that Macaulay went down so easily? It's like he didn't even try to elaborately boobytrap the stage so that a can of paint swinging from the ceiling hit Miss Piggy right in her ladybits.

18) HermanTurnip ...is that "platypus'" or "platypuses"? It's similar to "Lexus'" and "Lexuses"...I'm just not sure. It's these sorts of things that keep me up at night.

17) Kim Van Sickler I think I would have been staring at her horny grinding pads.

16) Debra She Who Seeks I laughed so hard I wet my granny panties!

15) (Terry) My Journey With Candida Well get your bad self out there and find a REAL MAN now that the little weenie is out of your life.
14) Fredulous Yo The guy who diagrammed his inner ear on a napkin sounds like my type.

13) Optimistic Existentialist I tried to replicate that George pose once, and they arrested me for crimes against humanity.

12) Melissa There's always lambskin. LOL

11) Janie Junebug I like men who giggle about masturbation.

10) Pickleope Von Pickleope I am intensely jealous. But hey, people should be showering you with gifts. If people want to send me gifts, please send them to:
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
I may have said too much and given away my identity.


9) Alex J. Cavanaugh Breasts...Sorry, completely distracted there!
 
8) Birgit With all the things I have done ( recently going to work with a hole in my pants for all to see) I don't feel embarrassed too much any more.
 
7) Mitchell is Moving Something you may not know (although I have a feeling you've got experience): If you crawl under a table to pick something up, you should crawl back out before you stand up.

6) Pat Hatt Sometimes the slow way is the way to go. But if that fails, you could fill in for those birds on the Windex commercials.

5) Michael D'Agostino Maybe I should start my own talk show. Mine would be more of a philosophic, "David Frost in the 70s, holding a cigarette and burrowing into the head of his subject" kind of interview. You know what I mean?

4) Robin He has nice... hands.

3) Stephen Hayes I have a black garbage sack that makes me look alluring, if I do say so myself.

2) Ken Lynch A Valentine's Haiku
                Flowers, chocolates sweet
                Lovers stroll on the Ginza
                       Oh, no! Godzilla!


AND THE #1 Comment of the Year at Life by Chocolate: CWMartin Try waking up at 5 AM with a roaring hangover, the kind that every breath carries the threat of nausea and every move is a headache of its own, stagger back to your bedroom from the bathroom and walk into the bedroom door edge on. With your eyes closed. That's when you realize that all those stars and planets that Elmer Fudd saw when the anvil hit weren't made up.
Congratulations, Chris! Sorry there's no prize. Play again next year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
And just for fun, THE WORST COMMENT OF THE YEAR:  
Have you been thinking about the power sources and the tiles whom use blocks
   What the *bleep*? Oh, I got it. You mean the NSA and Donald Trump and the blockheads on Gumby whom slide across the floors despite having no feet or knees or—not that I was looking, but— genitalia? Nah, never gave it a thought.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Christmas Erotica

Dear friends,

I brought the house down on Thursday with this bit at Chico's (Has Beans Cafe's) last open mic of the year. When I finished, the crowd roared and cheered for a while. Never before had I felt so popular. I guess people like poems about Xmas gift giving. Who knew?

Now, they expect poetic erotica for all of the holidays, though I'm not sure what I'll do for a few of them.

"Don't even think about writing a poem for Martin Luther King Day, Robyn," my friend, Sue, warned.

"Of course, I won't," I told her. "And there's Groundhog and Mother's Day too. I can't go there."

Sue nodded in agreement.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. You may want to embiggen, and I'm only talking about the poem. Wink.

   I'll be celebrating Christmassukkah with family in the coming week and won't be around much. I'll blog again, though, before year's end.

   Much love for a safe, warm, festive, non-silent (Wink) Christmas week. I appreciate you all. xo

Monday, December 15, 2014

Reasons for Celibacy, #312-317 / Happy Hanukah!


Even though I have George in my life nowadays, I’m going to continue my Reasons for Celibacy series. There’s too much good material to use. Plus, I have to hit 500 reasons; I've  much further to go. So below, taken directly from internet dating ads, are reasons 312-317 for a smart, single, straight woman to choose celibacy. [One of these reasons includes someone I dated, #317.] Enjoy.

REASON #312: I am alive and live that way. 
Wow! You must be one of those people who can sleep when you’re asleep, masticate when you chew, and touch yourself privately!

REASON #313: hold your heart above your head
Dude, can you do that without breaking your neck?

REASON #314: Want the thruth?
No. I can’t handle the thruth! Thranks anyway.


REASON #315: I enjoy everything life has to differ
You mean you like contrasting elements-- like fire and water, war and peace, Kate Middleton and Prince William?

REASON #316:  I have weird dynamics, not contrary to religious status, but to make our lives joyful. Whoa. I wonder if you’re an oxymoron or a Scientologist or something. Is your couch intact?

This one, REASON #317, I recognize. I dated and blogged about him in 2012. He was Delivery Boy. We shared fresh hot “pizza” with no string cheese attached. Here’s a snippet from a blog post:  One night after a frenzied take-out, I asked Delivery Boy about his route, expecting the typical reassurance he was apt to convey. “I’m the only one you deliver to, right? Do you see possible long-term arrangement for us?”
   He answered decisively: yes, of course I was the only one. No, we had no future. Delivery Boy wouldn’t commit to an exclusive partnership with anyone, not now or later. If another woman placed an order, though, he’d do the honorable thing and tell me before filling it.
   Delivery Boy was my age when we dated. We both have summer birthdays. Based on logic, old and new math, and common sense, we’re still the same age. I’m 48, so Delivery Boy’s…48. Check out his ad, though.

DO YOU HAVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS? IF YES..USE THEM Oh, I am. I am.
They have marked my birthdate incorrectly and unable to correct it on my end.....I am 38 not 37..... Strong sincere honest communication is key to a meaningful friendship.........This creates a strong more sincere understanding of each other........For starters, I'll use my communication skills to state that you’re a lying ***bleep*** ***bleep!*** Really? 37? Your baldness and inability to ***bleep*** tell a different story.

Thank goodness I have George, and he shows no signs of aging - if you know what I mean. Wink.
            ~~~~~~~~~~<><><>~~~~~~~~~~
   Tomorrow night marks the beginning of Hanukah. It’s an eight day celebration of  light, goodness, and miracles. 
   Note that you can spell Hanukah approximately 215 different ways, so don’t worry. You'll get it right, so long as you don't double up on side-by-side vowels. Start with one "H" or "Ch." You'll be fine. 
   They say that every Jewish holiday is summarized as “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat!” So Eat. Be merry and bask in life's miracles. 
HAPPY CHANUKAH!

Monday, December 8, 2014

New Chapter

Nearly four years ago, it was time for a change. So after nineteen years in the San Francisco Bay Area, I transferred my life to small town Chico. Steven and Mojo welcomed me into their home. Steven was a great roommate. Mojo was a brat. That feline never left me alone. Damn, I miss him. See, Steven relocated to live with his girlfriend in Texas. He handed Mojo over to a relative, so Mojo and I said "goodbye." I love that he's waving at the camera here!
Tomorrow, I'll finish my move. I'm relocating across town. My new place is much more spacious. It's been stressful, but George is around to lift my spirits and lend a hand. [Yeah, we're still dating, five weeks and counting.]

"So you're going to work in the blog-oh-sphere?" George often asks, with extra emphasis on the "oh". He tells me he doesn't know how the blog-oh-sphere thing works, and that perhaps I'll show him sometime. "Sure, I'll show you the blog-oh-sphere sometime," I tell George.

In the meantime, since George isn't curious enough to have found my blog, I'm going to post some photos of him.
Here's George driving to Lake Tahoe - this gorgeous body of water bordering California and Nevada.
We traveled to Tahoe over Thanksgiving weekend, and there was snow. So we stayed warm by drinking coffee...

and eating and eating and eating and...
doing other things.
You weren't expecting pictures of the other things. Were you?

Well, my friends, I best get rest.

Be well. Stay warm.
Keep a smile, and I'll be back when I'm settled in at my new home.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Where Are They Now? IWSG 2014 Grand Finale

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Life by Chocolate's year-end screening of the IWSG. Blogland's phenomenal writer, author and more importantly, friend to all, Alex J. Cavanaugh, founded this phenomenal group.
First Wed of Every Month On the first Wednesday of every month for the past 3+ years, I've marked the occasion by interviewing some of the dimmest and most arrogant of celebrities. And since they took the stage at Life by Chocolate, they've gone on to do things like...transition to another gender (e.g., Bruce Jenner), reunite with Dracula's understudy (e.g., Jennifer Aniston), and die (e.g., Joan Rivers). They've also gotten manicures (e.g., Bruce Jenner), worn their hair in pony tails (e.g., Bruce Jenner), and were dumped (e.g., Honey Boo Boo's Mama and Bruce Jenner). Let's take a look:

What's my point? I don't have one, though it appears that a guest spot on my show is only the tip of the iceberg.The pay isn't great either, so these folks were doubly cursed.

But I'm grateful that you've visited us month after month. It's been fun. I suppose through all the nonsense, I've just wanted to make you laugh. I've also wanted to vent frustrations about the fact that the most popular and richest are often the most vacuous and stupid. Were I an altogether secure, enlightened, zen person, this wouldn't bother me. On a positive note, I clearly need to continue with the IWSG. I've more work to do. Thus, as we enter 2015, we'll continue to conquer the insecurity thing and become more secure writers - together. Right? Right! Write!

On another note: I'll be relocating the Life by Chocolate studio in the coming week or so. This is to say that I'm moving and might not be very active in blogland. I'm not able to stay away for too long, though, so I'll be seeing you soon.

Be well, friends.
Happy Final IWSG for 2014, and Happy December!