And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Celebrating Jacqueline!


I'm very sad to say that our beloved Jacqueline (of Randomosity and then Cranky Bar) passed away on 2/6 - due to a severe stroke. In spirit, she's still with us in a loud and lovingly playful way. From my understanding, Jacqueline was surrounded by loved ones, including the Great Scot, and had been a spunky pistol until her final breath (including attempting to dance and shimmy from her hospital bed).

So we're celebrating our dear friend, Jacqueline. A small group of  us are posting today - Mitchell, Bryan, Cheryl, Debra, Jono, me, and Michael. Feel free to join us today, or any time.  We know that Jacqueline touched countless lives, human and animal, virtually and in a very real way.
One of Jacqueline's many beautiful posts, this one from her Facebook page.

Jacqueline's kidling, Jennie, shared meaningful advice:

If you'd like a way to honor Jacquelineand Mitchell, here are a few ideas:
--- 1 Good Thing: Every day, write down one good thing. It doesn't have to be something big, just something that makes you smile.

--- Learn the signs of a stroke: FAST [Facial drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulties; Time to call emergency services.]

--- Advocate for children. Be the person that a child in a bad situation needs; listen and believe them. If there was one thing mom couldn't stand, it was leaving a child - any child - without help.

Alas, Jacqueline loved my Martha Stewart series because she hated Martha. It's another reason I love(d) her. This little bonus is for you, Jacqueline!

  Jacquelineand....said Next thing you know, she'll be selling bronzed pubic hairs...
Don't do it, Martie! Just don't!

Rest in peace, precious soul. 
You're deeply missed, deeply loved, 
and we'll keep celebrating wonderful you.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Chocolate GIVEAWAY WINNERS! Best V.Day Hate!

Dear Sillies,

You make it SO MUCH FUN to HATE Valentine's Day that  I ALMOST don't hate it. But I do still hate it. I also love you and your hate.

Before the big announcement, please enjoy some lovely hate from the lovely Cheryl:

Now, our 4th place winner who - as Pickleope said - made a real Valentine, Shoshanah Lee Marohn! This one's so beautiful, I wanted to re-post. Plus, she's a wonderfully fun artist and author.
Coming in 3rd, the remarkable Mr. Pat Hatt with: 
Roses are red. 
Chocolate is brown
Tomorrow they'll be cheaper, so calm the *uc* down

And now for second place...drum roll, Jeopardy music, and a wink from Martha Stewart (Oh never mind, she was winking at Trump. Yikes.). Stagehand Mccaulay Culkin shouts out, "There was no second place, you dumb f*k!" Oh yeah. Robyn flips him the bird. I forgot, friends. There was a tie for first place, and I couldn't decide. Both entries were equally weird and hateful and accurate.

The TWO WINNERS of Life by Chocolate's Annual VDay Hate Contest are:

Valentine's Day: the only time it's socially acceptable to offer up genitalia as a present.

Al Penwasser's entry #3:
"Don't buy me a thing," she tells the poor sap.
Pal, get her some bling 
because...IT'S A TRAP!

CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS!! You'll each receive a generous, sweet package of chocolate goodness. We'll do dealings in private. Wink.

Much gratitude to all who participated and enjoyed this one - Life by Chocolate's best ever V-Day Hate Fest!

In spite of it all, may you experience a sweet Val...err, Chocolate Day!
Much love.

Sunday, February 12, 2017


   Many wonderfully hateful messages were submitted to our annual Anti-Valentine's Giveaway. The winner(s) will win a generous package of chocolate sweets. As a reminder, any form of entry was accepted, but limited to 15 words. All of my followers get to vote. Despite the crowds, I shut, locked, and dead-bolted doors to our studio. We received plenty of timely submissions.
   I now present you with the ballot. Please vote once for only one entry. Place your ballots in the comments section or email to If you're voting for someone with multiple entries, please specify which entry of theirs you're voting for (e.g., Bernie Sanders #1). Feel free to vote for yourself - we won't judge.
   Polls will close at the end of the day on Monday, February 13th (11:59pm PST).
   Thank you to all who participated. I love all you haters. Good luck!

Alex J. Cavanaugh: I love you just enough to spend ten bucks at WalMart on February 13.

Pat Hatt Roses are red. Chocolate is brown
Tomorrow they'll be cheaper, so calm the *uc* down

Birgit: Happy Fucking Valentines Day..thanks for reminding me.....too rude? 

Pickleope Von Pickleope: 1. "A hundred hearts wouldn't be enough to carry the spite I have for you." 2. "Love is an art, one letter off from fart. Let them both pass."

Shoshanah Lee Marohn:

Jono Roses are red / Feces are brown
Tie weights to yourself /Jump in and drown 

 fishducky    1. How do I love thee? Not much!!
2. Your lips are like a dead, dead rose.
3. Get lost or I'll get a restraining order!! 

Empty Nest Insider Hearts are cheap / Grabbers fist and bump
Fake news by a creep / Tweeter named Trump

Geo.: The shepherd in me / Misses Lupercalia --naked
          Magistrates, shaggy / Thongs, whipped shins,
          Plutarch and Rome.

A Beer For The Shower Valentine's Day: the only time it's socially acceptable to offer up genitalia as a present. 

Elsie Amata Valentine's Day: When love is shown through trinkets and crap rather than emotions and intimacy.

 *As a bonus, Cheryl submitted three more. Since they have over 15 words, they're not on the ballot. I'll post them when winner is announced.

 Anthony J. Langford: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to experience some mild turbulen... ahhhhhhh. Love sucks. Amen.

Al Penwasser: 1. Roses are neat
Violets are dear / Chocolates are sweet
I'd rather have beer

2. Today's the day / you might get a moaner.
Viagra's a way / for a four hour boner.
3. "Don't buy me a thing," she tells the poor sap.
Pal, get her some bling / because...IT'S A TRAP!
4. It's Valentines Day / There's chocolates, maybe flowers
Hey what's on TV?

    5. Love is in the air

    Bill Clinton may get lucky
    He needs no excuse

    REMEMBER, YOU ONLY GET TO VOTE ONCE FOR ONE ENTRY (If you're voting for someone with multiple entries, please indicate which numbered entry gets your vote). 
    "I voted" stickers are en route from Florida and will be here by 2019. We appreciate your patience. Be well, my sillies.