First Love, Woman on the Verge of Paradise

Writing a book is like running a marathon in Death Valley. You keep seeing the finish line, only to realize it was a just a mirage. -self quote, said now.

I'm sorry to be a tease about my upcoming novel, Woman on the Verge of Paradise. It's been done for a while. I can't tell you when it's coming out. I'm trying - very selectively - for traditional publication first. I want to put it out yesterday. For now, though, here's a scene.

This takes you into my third grade classroom, during art time. I'd just competed against Joseph in hand ball. Flushed with puppy-crush energy, I quickly let him win and ran to the back of the line to await my next turn, hoping the bell would ring first.~~~

   “Robyn, dear, come on over here,” Mrs. Siegal said.

   Gulp. What’s going on? I walked to the back of the classroom, where my teacher sat holding a picture to her chest, her face gushing with exciting news. Joseph stood next to her and donned a  very proud smile.

   “Look what Joseph drew.” Mrs. Siegal flipped the paper over to display Joseph’s artwork.

   I studied the picture, a crayon drawing of me in the blue and green checkered dress I was wearing, with my yellow socks, brown buckle shoes, and spirals of curly brown hair. A big red u-shaped curve centered my face.  My nose, a black L. My eyes, cobalt blue, and my eyelashes, long and pretty. Above me, huge letters spelled out: “I Love Rodyn.”

   I stood frozen—scared, overwhelmed, unworthy.

   “I feel sick,” I told Mom the next morning. “I think I need to stay home from school today.”
   “Okay, honey.”

   Wait, how could it be so easy? You didn’t feel my forehead, shove a thermometer under my tongue, ask what’s wrong or spoil me with tapioca pudding? A bit disappointed and highly remorseful, I kept quiet while viewing a day’s worth of television.

   Upon returning to Room 8, the flame between me and Joseph extinguished. I eyed my shoes whenever he strolled by. As far as I can remember, we never talked again; I’m not sure if we’d ever spoken in the first place. Nobody else breathed a word about our short and sweet love.

   It’s as if it never happened. ~~~~ 

Be well, and have a great first week of March.!

Pre-Pubescent Machismo

 Dear Sillies,

   I hope your week is going well. I posted this nearly six years ago. I got exactly zero comments, no more and no less. [That was before I met Alex and the rest of you.]

   This post reminds me of my friend, Al Penwasser. Not sure why. But I hope you like it. 

   Be well, and keep a smile. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 “Duh!” 

“As if!” 

“Loser!” 

 

Their tongues hanging out of their mouths, freckle sprinkled cheeks, jagged bangs, eyes poised to express control, a mad crush on Suzie Jay, and an ounce of testosterone between them, they ran the show. They had it all. Rulers of the universe and buds for a lifetime.
 

They hit the playground, yanking the pink velvet ribbon from Betsy’s hair. Her long red braid unraveled by the time they invaded the dodge ball game across the yard. Betsy flopped onto the black top, screaming for her daddy, the Principal. He dashed out to console her, but was never able to pin down those nasty culprits.
 

Life could not get sweeter! Those were the days to diss the teacher, aim a paper airplane at her butt when she turned to write on the chalkboard, switch names for the substitutes, compete in belching contests during the Pledge of Allegiance, give the class nerd a Melvin or Nelson or Wedgie or whatever those boogers called it when they pulled the poor soul’s underwear so tight above his head that it cut off all blood circulation and he could barely breathe.
  

It was time to get real. When you stepped on a crack, you broke your mama’s back. When you stepped on a line, you were Frankenstein. Your best buddy told you to “Look over there.” When you turned your head, he said smugly, “Monkeys always look!”
 

Good times! You cut the cheese to clear the room. You’d make crank calls to the grocery store manager and ask, “Do you have pigs' feet?...Then how can you walk?” Mom said, “Don’t stick your tongue out like that, it’ll stay that way. You’ll go blind if you cross your eyes.” So you kept trying that one, because you thought it’d be super cool to have a seeing-eye dog.
 

Those were the days! Boys would be boys, will be boys. They rule. They’re cool. Too cool for school. Question that, you’re a fool.
 

Those were the days. Machismo was in full fruition. 

 

As if!

Reasons for Celibacy, # 325 - 332! Occult in Nature Love?

My track record with men is fairly lousy, so I'm hoping George sticks around. He's a good one. Plus I prefer not to plunge into the dating swamps again. That water's grotesquely muddy, unnervingly confusing, and outright horrifying. To follow are reasons #325 through 332 for a smart single gal to choose celibacy - lifted from actual dating ads. [Note: You might think that these ad blurbs don't adequately represent the modern day pool of eligible bachelors. I agree. In person, it's even worse.]~~~~~Be well, my friends. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.~~~~~~

REASON #325: I can lie to thy people but u can't lie To my self

I can’t lie to your self? Thy watch me: You’re clearly a keeper!

REASON #326: Careing. Compationet. Lovering. Working on. Being a maneger

I’m not sure about the other stuff, but you might be able to get a Maneger gig when Christmas rolls around.

REASON #327: This is me, is that you?

No. This is me, is that you?

REASON #328: looking for red lipstick & hiking boots

Have you checked Justin Bieber’s dresser, Lady Gaga’s eggshell, or the Boot Barn at 4^th and Main?

REASON #329: *Dud(e)’s name here* a send of humor nit. Good speller used to lol to read alot I don't know look for things that are occult in nature love life  My head hurts, sweetie. “Used to lol to read a lot…occult in nature…?” You’re one of those Scientologists. Aren’t you?

REASON #330: im looking for someone to spintime with

Oh hon, Zumba or power-walking, maybe, but spintime’s a bit over-the-top for me.

REASON #331: Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!

You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!

REASON #332: I like holding hands and candles.

Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers as you do the lit candle.

Starring you, Happy HallBark Day!

Due to fiscal angst (I know I'm in great company.) and other stuff, I hadn't gotten it together to do an Anti-Valentine's Giveaway this year. Lo and behold, I have the most fun-loving, playful followers. This, I already knew. But what I didn't know is that you'd play anyway. So in response to the dog pictured below and in my last post, DC grabbed the bone and ran with a HallBark theme. One after another, you joined this doggie relay. 

With mine, we now have eight cards for our HallBark greeting card line! We'll split the profits eight ways. [What's $1 divided by 8?] Anyway, we're off to a powerful start as we take down Hallmark, one lowly mutt at a time.  To follow are more reasons why I love my followers. Feel free to add your own HallBark card greeting. We'll stretch that dollar! Woohoo!

Dixie@dcrelief

Yeah, I'm a pug. With a cute mug.
Smiles in place.  You see my face?
I love you flea-girl. You is my whole world.
And when it gets dark,
You'll feel my Hallbark!
arf-it, arf-it good...

Pat Hatt

lol the evil eye sure comes from that poor guy. That or he is ready to gift to all and is going to leave a gift in the hall. Hint, it isn't chocolate.

A Beer For The Shower

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can lick my own balls
So I don't need you

Jono

There once was an old dog named Mitch
Who said to an attractive young bitch,
"If I stick my nose, where the sun never goes
Would you please scratch where I itch?"
-Hallbark

CWMartin

I love you when you bark, when you play fetch at the park
I love you curled in my lap...But get off my leg with that crap!

klahanie

This should be the last time I use this old Windows X-Pire Groan Edition
It put me into submission
Soon you will see more of me
Penny loves that dawg should do a blog
Thanks for the prose. It's great you knows.
Hugs n'stuff, and an extra ruff
From Gary and Penny! :) x

Empty Nest Insider

Get me out of this strait jacket,
This V-Day's quite a racket.
I can't run and play,
What will the other mutts say?
They'd simply gang up to attack it. 

Happy, sweet HALLBARK DAY! 

Down with Hallmark, Up with Hallbark!

I'm sorry I didn't get it together to do an anti-Valentine's contest this year. I just...didn't. Instead, I'm posting an oldie. The photo prompt is thanks to Jenny Matlock, Saturday Centus guru. Within 50 words, we were to create a Hallmark-ish Valentine's greeting. Mine follows. Ultimately, I aimed --and still aim-- to bring Hallmark down, one lowly mutt at a time, and replace it with a line of Hallbark cards. So far, years later, I still have only one "poetic" greeting:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Hallbark Creation

I’m a sad lowly mutt from Pom Beaitch

With a fetish for dressing in kitsch

They say “Dawg, your singing is pitch!”

Yo, I ain’t no looker, and I ain’t rich

But I really want you for my...

Valentine.