My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, August 3, 2020

Happy Sextilis. August is here!

Dear Sillies,
It's time to welcome Sextilis!

From Wikipedia: August was originally named Sextilis in Latin because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC.  Happy *smirk and childish giggles* Sextilis, my friends! That sounds so scandalous, doesn't it? May it be so. August is the HOTTEST month of the year, am I right?
   The actual meaning of August is much less exciting: respected, impressive. #boring!

As if Sextilis' entry wasn't enough reason for excitement, this month this year has 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays, AND 5 Mondays. Apparently, this only happens once every 823 years! Yowza. We probably won't live through another like this. The Chinese call this phenomenon a "Bag Full of Money."

Thus, we're all bound to get extremely lucky one way or another this month. 

Speaking of getting lucky, Wednesday August 5 is National Underwear Day.

What's your preference, friends:

(A) Boxers

(B) Briefs

(C) Commando

(D) Granny Panties

(E) G-string

(F) All of the above

(G) Any combination of the above

(H) None of your/my damn business   ?

Monday, July 27, 2020

Chocolate-Covered Cannoli Ice Cream, Summer Taste Test

My Beloved Silliest of Sillies,
   It didn't sound right: mascarpone cannoli ice-cream. Pasta shells dipped in chocolate and sprinkled in ice-cream?
   Doh. My bad. I confused cannoli with cannollini. As you likely know, because you're worlds more evolved, cannoli is a pastry shell, whilst cannollini is a pasta shell.
   And mascarpone? It's a -----. Yes, a cheese. An Italian cheese. Hm, cheesy ice cream with chocolate pastry bits. What could go wrong?
   Not much. Not anything really. Unless like me, you thought you'd be eating pasta ice-cream. The mascarpone has a light, sweet, subtle fruity taste - like a mixture of rainbow sherbert, tapioca, and coconut. It's yummy. It's all gone, within two days. (I exercised restraint. I really did. Not so much.)

   The ice-cream looks like your ordinary, boring chocolate chip, but this one dances ecstatically in your mouth. The cannoli chips are big little chunks of chocolate encased crunchiness.

   I wish I had something bad to say about this. It was approximately $5. It'd be nice if they had a lactose free version, so it wasn't so ruinous on the diet plan, and more accessible to all of you.  

   But it has NO BOVINE GROWTH HORMONES! Think about that!
No worries about growing bovines after consuming it! How remarkable does it get?!

Be well, my friends. Stay cool and hot in the most delightful of ways.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Shocking Interview with Presidential Candidate Kanye West!

Robyn, center stage with a microphone, wearing an extra long pink t-shirt that reads, in bold white font, "Bernie is my everything!": My Sillies, with each passing hour, we wonder how things could get worse. Right? And then it does. Like, Kanye West is actually running for POSUS. Oops -giggle- I mean, POTUS. Worse yet, he's here today for an exclusive interview! The audience fills two of Life by Chocolate's 170 row stadium--all of the Kardashians and Jenners in the first row, and Beyoncé in the middle of the second with scores of security guards on either side. Caitlyn Jenner cheers, raises her arms to form a "V" and begins running laps around the seats.

Robyn: Come on out here, Kanye!...Kanye?...Mr. West! Nobody breaks through the stage curtains. Jesus Christ, wha--Kanye enters from behind the curtains, his arms extended horizontally, in Christ-like form. Cool, dude. You're running for Prez. Kim could have more closet space, and your baby North West could have play dates in the West Wing! Think about it, North West in the West Wing! -giggle, snort.- 

Kanye: The maximum increase would be everybody that has a baby gets a million dollars or something in that range. *Actual quote.

Robyn: But you're already filthy rich. Bro, I wonder why you wanna be Prez. Like, do you have any idea about human suffering? 

Kanye: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform life.*Actual quote

Robyn,befuddled. Say what? You've made baseless and asinine comments. You even said that Harriet Tubman didn't actually free slaves. Don't you think we've had enough idiocy and narcissism?

Kanye, enraged. Quit talking sh*t! I don't do idiocy. I'm loyal to my wife! And I ain't got no time for Narnia sh*t either. I don't read. 

Robyn: No kidding.  Rolls her eyes. You need to leave. Any final words?

Kanye: Yeah, Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time, one of the best videos of all time.*another actual quote, when he snatched Swift's Video Music Award out of her hands, 2009. Beyoncé stands and squeals, "Thank you, my friend!" Caitlyn keeps running laps around the studio with her arms in a victory "V." Everyone else, including security, is gone. Robyn addresses Kanye: GO! NOW!

Kanye storms off.***bleep**bleep*** **bleep** I ain't never doing this **bleep**again...

Robyn: I'm very sorry, my friends. But No Neck Ed
refused today's gig. I was desperate. Please return. It won't happen again. I do love you.