Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Taylor Swift is Here!: IWSG

It's time to join the IWSGers in being loudly, proudly insecure. We encourage and support each other's writing journeys too. This ongoing monthly gathering is thanks to Alex. He's a gift, that Alex.
Robyn /  Taylor Swift pretend quotes / Taylor Swift actual quotes

Ladies and gentlemen, and Macaulay Culkin, today we welcome one of the richest, most famous, and most popular singer-songwriters of all time! She dominates the industry, and she dated John Mayer! What more is there to say? Here's Taylor Swift!

Dressed in all white, Taylor steps sexily towards center-stage. The audience roars and whistles, as our camera-man scans the crowd. An all White, young, clean-cut mix of Taylor's exes beckons her return to their arms. Taylor quickly surveys the crowd and bursts into song: "We are never ever ever ever getting back together!" John Mayer stands up, flips her off, and storms out the Emergency Exit.

Robyn turns to Taylor, smiling: Well, who needs him, right? All that 'say what you need to say. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say,' and he never gets to the f*n point. Do you see the irony?
Taylor appears confused. Oh, no. I don't, I don't like to iron. She giggles.

Oh, sweetie. It's a good thing you're so talented and you have beautiful hair and...Robyn eyes Taylor's long sultry legs...Ever consider dating a woman half your height and twice your age?
Slightly shocked but ever-graceful, Taylor composes herself for a response. Well, I'm actually very happy with my current sweetheart, Calvin.  She takes a few small steps back, further from Robyn.
In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot, Taylor continues. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.
Robyn rolls her eyes. It really isn't all about looks though, right?
No. There's more to life than dating the boy on the football team.
Do you have any words of wisdom for insecure writers, sweetie?
Taylor smiles proudly and looks at the camera. You can write a book about how to ruin someone's perfect day. That seems awfully anti-Taylor Swift of you. I thought you were going to belt out that profound song you wrote. You know, with all kinds of deep, insightful lyrics: 'Shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it off.'
Sure. Taylor smiles, then launches into Shake it off! Shake it off! Shake it off!
The curtains drop, blocking Taylor from view and we cut to a commerical.
Colour Me Swiftly has arrived! With two Amazon reviews and an average rating of 2.5 stars, take a look at this adult coloring book:

If Colour Me Swiftly doesn't do it for you, how about Colour Me Good Harry?
This one has a solid five-star review! A review. As in, one. One review. *Robyn sits erect, with chin towards ceiling.* The book's been out since last year.

We hope all this nonsense makes you more confident in your craft. If not, shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it....

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy #351 through 357: Pickles vs Bananas?

Ah, celibacy and freedom. Freedom and celibacy. There are so many reasons to continue this sex-less lifestyle. And now onto Reasons # 351 through 357. Please enjoy, and have a stellar new week.

REASON #351: 
LIBERALS NEED NOT SEND A MESSAGE CAUSE I WILL BLOCK YOUThank goodness!...NO HIPPIES EITHER OF FAT GIRLS...No? How about hippies of skinny guys like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, or Quagmire? Giggity giggity!

REASON #352: 
hopless romantic looking for love
Hopless? You walk with a limp? You’re allergic to beer? Or is scooting more your thing?

REASON #353: 
My spoon is too big!!! 
Sorry, babe, but that doesn’t make up for an extra small egg-beater.

REASON #354: 
Are pickles a vegetable?
I don’t know, but they work better than bananas.

REASON #355: 
I'M a very good skateboarder
Now, that’s what I’m looking for in a man over 40!

REASON #356: 
Hear I am 
Um? I sea that.

REASON #357: 
Squirters are fun if tasteful
Sweetie, let me break it down for you like this: It’s never tasteful.
Keep a smile, my friends!

Monday, September 28, 2015

After the Fallen Matzo Ball

So there we were, all three of us: me, George, and the big fat matzo ball hanging out between us. What could I do but follow George's lead? So I'd play the same card. It's a card known by Donald Trump's hairstylist, by Britney Spears' ex-husbands, and the Inventor of Crocs. It's the "Let's pretend that didn't happen" card. Ever-calm and controlled, George was slick with this move.Ever-sensitive, genuine, and klutzy, I...tried.

For weeks, I buried my feelings during shared breakfast smoothies following romantic sleepovers, bbq dinners at George's place, and snuggle-time for the purpose of watching Millionaire Matchmaker.  We even took a merry trip to Lake Tahoe. There, George and I played in the snow, ate at buffets, toured the town, ate at buffets, shared a cozy hotel room and yada yada, and we ate at buffets.

On the drive home from Tahoe, though, a surge of emotions struck. A silent waterfall of tears scurried down my face. "I love him, but he doesn't love me," I thought. "Stop it. You're always too negative," I re-thought. "Yeah, but he never expresses his feelings," I counter-thought. And so on. And then I'd stop crying. But then I'd start again. I positioned myself to look out the window and managed to stop long enough, after stretches of time, to chat a bit: "You doing okay with the drive? The snow looks beautiful."

Yet memories and questions badgered me--my ex-husband and the insurmountable pain that resulted from our fall-out, the fact that George hadn't even called me his girlfriend yet, and the timing of the whole thing. It'd been six weeks. Isn't that enough time? When does a matzo ball expire?

Alas, the long drive was over. I dropped my bag on George's hallway floor, when he noticed that I'd been crying. "What's wrong?" his tone conveyed warmth and nervousness.

to be continued.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Whence I Dropped the Big Matzo Ball on George's Lap

  Preface: Remember George? Me too, and here's an awkward moment between us. See, I desperately wanted everything to be okay despite our political differences. It's been five months since the break-up, so it's not too soon to embarrass myself with this scene. It's never too soon for that, I suppose...Enjoy.

  Seemingly out-of-the blue, George argued about governmental regulations and all the red-tape involved in running your own business. Or perhaps he was ranting about light-bulbs - that they're not the wattage or voltage or something as advertised. I don't know, but he injected the phrase: "damn liberals who want governmental control."
   "Everyone wants the government out of our businesses," this damn liberal countered. "Less government sounds good to everyone." There. I'd begun to level the playing field. I COULD be a relationship with a R...R...someone on the other side of the political spectrum.
   I continued with confidence and pride. "Stupid incompetents rise to the top in every system. And California loves regulations. That's just a fact, having nothing to do with the political leanings of those who create all the red tape."
   I was on a roll. Thing is, I don't debate well and I hate to argue. But I really liked George, and I needed to prove to him and to me that we could work as a couple. So I babbled about hippie-dippy systems and big corporations, about how slews of regulations govern all. As I heard myself talk, I thought: That's pretty damn good. You're making good points. But then I heard myself say: "And I love you." 
   Holy sh*t and oy vey! I'd dropped the big matzo ball* on George's lap, only two weeks into our courtship. Awkward.
   Within a fraction of a second, George appeared terrorized. He then continued, with calmness and control, and as if he hadn't heard the raucous matzo ball that could be detected by the rabbis lost in prayer at Jerusalem's Western Wall. "Now they have those energy saving bulbs and..."
   "Excuse me, while I go potty," I told him.
   I looked at myself in the mirror, my face flushed with complete and utter embarrassment. Maybe he didn't hear me? "Big, big matzo ball you let fly. Really big," I whispered to my reflection. Gulp.
-to be continued sometime.
*Watch this Seinfeld snippet for reference.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Week Before Yom Kippur & A Message to Kim Davis

Preface: Has Beans Cafe in Chico is home to a wonderful Thursday night Open Mic.The talented cast has become my local family, and I recite poetry several times a month. My most recent poem follows. It's not erotica; I couldn't figure out how to sex-up Labor Day or the Jewish New Year. Instead, Kim Davis and her buds inspired this one.

If you want to see and hear me, bless you. It's here.
Happy New Year to the Jewish world, and happy new week to all!

PS I just noticed that my Rabbi wished all a happy 5776. Oops. One of us is a year off. We won't correct a Rabbi, though. Smiles.