Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. As of late, I've longed for my days at the stony lonesome. You see, Big Bertha was in the cell next to mine. What's more - Martha fans herself - a very Naughty Prison Guard took charge and covered me from time to time, when I slipped him a few thousand dollars. My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean. *Wink.* I have nothing to sell you today. I simply wish to honor all Naughty Prison Guards, and I hope they keep it up...until I get there again. Tootles!
Liar, liar, pants on fire...
ReplyDeleteHah, I wonder if that naughty prison guard ever saw Big Bertha really give to Martha? wink, wink
ReplyDeleteNaughty prison guard....sounds like an x-rated movie. But with Martha Stewart in it, it becomes a comedy! Says, good Martha...
ReplyDeleteWell at least she got some while in the slammer.
ReplyDeleteThat guard must've been desperate...
ReplyDeleteStewie's off her meds again! Unless NPG was using Big Bertha, it didn't happen; and probably not then either!
ReplyDeleteSorry Martha, but my biggest laugh today was Just keepin it Real's comment above. Alex is on the ball too.
ReplyDeleteWas he like Pornstache on Orange is the New Black?
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking that guard would HAVE to be paid.
ReplyDeleteAnd plenty.
DeleteWas the prison guard high off the drugs he confiscated?
ReplyDeletecome on who hasn't found love with a prison guard, wait I have said too much..
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing a side to Martha I just didn't know, and lol to Jeremy's comment!
ReplyDeleteUntil I get there again....
ReplyDeleteYep. Some things are just bound to happen. At least it will have "perks."
yep - made me think of Orange is the New Black.
ReplyDeleteHi, Martha! Maybe Piper what's her name wasn't the real inspiration for Orange Is the New Black.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Martha has the $$$ to buy whatever or whoever she wants in prison.
ReplyDeleteStephen Tremp
A to Z Cohost
N is for Numerology
I expect she'll be returning soon, probably for tax evasion.
ReplyDeleteMartha sure knows who to work to get the most perks out of her prison stay.
ReplyDeleteWas the guard Michael Moore? Did he throw up in his mouth a little. Is this guard now kept in her basement tied up? Poor bastard
ReplyDeleteEww, gross!
DeleteSounds like that might be her next big goal in life. Can't be a bigger flop than the whole K-Mart thing, am I right?
ReplyDeleteYOUR COMMENTS KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. I'm laughing so much I need Depends. I'm sorry that I'm delayed in visiting you all and responding before we're onto the next letter. Will do my best to play catch up. Forgive me. My schedule's changed, and I have less time, but I'm make the circuit (not in a Naughty Prison Guard way) asap. Love you all, and I appreciate your sense of humor. You're almost as twisted as I am. No offense. xo
ReplyDeleteOops, I meant "I'll make the circuit..." =)
Delete"My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean," I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? Please tell me. I need you to spell this out in excruciating detail. Otherwise, I am lost. Please guide me out of the darkness with your exploratory explanation.
ReplyDeleteNo amount of money could force me to go anywhere near her!!
ReplyDeleteOkay she's not selling. Anybody else got barf bags? I could, u...u...u...ubblech...
ReplyDeleteNever mind, I feel better now.
Martha probably begged him to put her in dimly lit solitary confinement, so she could have him all to herself. Worse things couldn't possibly happen in the hole, and that's what he said afterward.
ReplyDeleteJulie
If my prison guard looked like that, I'd have a sex scandal with him...
ReplyDeleteI know, right, Michael?! I just guffawed pretty darn loud. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteA few thousand dollars? Hope it was worth it. That seems like a lot of money for a few minutes of um...circuit working.
ReplyDeleteThe only falsity here is that the Prison Guard was a big butch called Bertha with a big purple baton...
ReplyDeleteDrats. You caught me in a lie, Anthony. It was a big pink baton.
ReplyDelete