My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, August 26, 2019

Berning up in California! Loving My (our) Bernie Sanders

My Dear Sillies,
   Whatever your politics, we all have big hearts and want the best for humankind. That said, how can anyone not admire Bernie Sanders' perseverance? I'm ashamed to admit, I gave up on him a while back, believing he was duped and that his ship (which perhaps pre-dates the Mayflower) had sailed. 
   But my Bernie is an unstoppable warrior. He never gave up. He never strayed from his vision. So I'm back to publicizing my love for this world wonder.
   Guess what! Bernie Sanders visited Chico and Paradise, last week. I didn't see him, though many of my friends did. I'm still cherishing my memories of having met the man two years ago. I even had a date with Bernie Sanders. (Click link at end of this post for photographic proof.)
   Senator Bernie Sanders is so omnipresent that you can find him in many forms.
   Here's one:

Outfits include: basketball and track uniform, Vermont garb with snow shoes, flannel shirt and bottle of maple syrup, guitar player, SNL costume, birdwatcher, filibusterer, and a superhero.

Let's see what reviewers have to say:



One disappointed customer ~
3.0 out of 5 stars Very disappointed, good quality and I love Bernie Sanders. You called these paper dolls, they are not. Nice collectors item. Wish Bernie was wearing those empty clothes. The only way these would be paper dolls, you would have to cut them out of the heavy paper. Be more clear. They were for my granddaughters. Make another "book" with Bernie in those clothes. Make a real paper doll collection for kids. Thanks, Love my Bernie.
 Me too, sweetheart. Try the self-soothing method. 

And the Bernie Sanders Chia Pet ~


Monday, August 19, 2019

Naughty Teacher: TeachErotica

Dear Sillies,
   It's back to school time. I'm excited to report that YOUNG STUDENTS HAVE RETURNED TO SCHOOLS IN PARADISE! How amazing is that?! School staff, parents, kids, and contractors went to work to restore, clean, and upgrade schools and classrooms in every way possible. Playgrounds were re-equipped with all the same play equipment that burned on November 8.  
   Now, less than 10 months since the Camp Fire tore them apart, children are greeting each other with giddy hugs and taking seats in their Paradise classrooms. It's as beautiful as it is miraculous. 

   But let's transition to adult(ified) education. Shall we? Higher ed and hands on learning can be explosive and memorable too. Learning should be fun, right? Please enjoy, but excuse Martha Stewart's dad bod. That woman has no shame!
Take care of yourselves, and happy back to school time!

Monday, August 12, 2019

The Shocking, Uncensored Interview with E.T.

Dear Sillies,
   I've collaborated with my fun and silly friend, Powdered Toast Man. He is so outrageous. You should follow him, if you aren't already.
   Disclaimer: I'm very sorry. We didn't realize ET was so sexually depraved, until I channeled him for this interview. Feel free to move along, if you want to remember his sweet innocence.
   Thank you, and be good to yourselves.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.
E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.
PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?
E.T. - What movie?
PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?
E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.
PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?
E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.
PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?
E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick
PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?
E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 
PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?
E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*
PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?
E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!
PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?
E.T. - Emerging Testicles 
PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?
E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".
PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?
E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 
PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.
E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?
PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.
E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 
PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.
E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.
PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 
E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*
PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 
E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

It feels so damn good to work with my buddy, PTM, again. And again, check him out here. Thank you, PTM!

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Midget Minded Morty and a Six Dollar Taco

   At the risk of him reading this, we'll call the guy "Morty." 
   Morty likes me. Until he reads this. Morty looks like a grandpa. Not like today's youthful grandpas. More like a there-are-some-white-hairs-sprouting-from-his-nostrils grandpas.
Image result for grandpa with white nostril hair
   Morty is nice.
   I don't want to date Morty.
   Months ago, Morty asked me if I wanted to go for drinks, and I politely said "no" by suggesting a rain check. Dumb move. 
   But to my credit, it hardly ever rains in Chico. It might never rain again until the final apocalyptic grand flash flood. So that rain check would never be legit.
   Not so fast. When my birthday rolled around, Morty insisted on redeeming said rain check by taking me out for dinner. So I agreed to meet Morty for a quick bite at a cheap Mexican eatery.
  
   On the eve of this rain check redemption, Morty paid $6 for my taco. In front of the cashier, he then, to my surprise, asked casually "Do I get to spank you for your birthday?"
   "No! Now you're pushing it!" I guarded my taco and moved my tuchas out of his arms' range.
   I mean, really, my friends. If a man pays (only) $6 for my taco, he isn't entitled to spank me too
   Morty proceeded to ask about my weekend plans, suggesting that we get together (so he could spank me?).
   I told Morty that I don't wish to date. I'm happy being single.
   "That's too bad," Morty said, disappointed.

   When I saw Morty last weekend at a community event, he said that he'd noticed that I was a very small girl in a 1970s photo I'd posted on Facebook. Um, yes. I was a very small girl. Morty then said "You know, now, medically, you'd qualify as a m--"
   I know, right!?
   Distracted, Morty turned his head to talk to someone else. 
   Morty turned back to me, "Well, I'm going swimming with the grandkids. See ya."
   Okay, Morty. Are you trying to tell me you're striving for shrinkage 'cuz you want to date and spank a medical midget?

   I thought I'd heard the worst of it. But this one, my friends, that comment --Oy vey.
   Morty, if you're reading this, you must have a very small...set of social skills.
   PS My taco is worth more than $6.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Happy Sextilis! August is Here.

My Dear Sillies,
   I hope this finds you feeling alright.
   August was never my favorite. That said, here's a fun mix of info about August to get us excited about this new month.
   Take care of yourselves, stay as cool as possible, and eat chocolate (or your sinful pleasure, whatever that may be) as needed.
   Love you.

From Wikipedia: August was originally named Sextilis in Latin because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC. SEXTILIS!? Happy *smirk and childish expressions* Sextilis, my friends! That sounds so scandalous, doesn't it? May it be so.

Did you know that August 5 is National Underwear Day?

In honor of Natioanl Underwear Day, there will reportedly be events around the country to encourage the 80% of people who have worn the same style of underwear their whole lives*  to try something new.

*In my case, that would be granny panties. But when I was younger, my sister and I had undies with very pretty fancy labels for each day of the week.  Kinda like these but more girlie:

 Image result for underwear labeled with the days of the week It's a good reminder to change your panties every day, I suppose.    

   How will you celebrate National Underwear Day?

 

 And now, a lovely August song by the lovely Carole King.