My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Naughty Teacher: TeachErotica

Dear Sillies,
   It's back to school time. I'm excited to report that YOUNG STUDENTS HAVE RETURNED TO SCHOOLS IN PARADISE! How amazing is that?! School staff, parents, kids, and contractors went to work to restore, clean, and upgrade schools and classrooms in every way possible. Playgrounds were re-equipped with all the same play equipment that burned on November 8.  
   Now, less than 10 months since the Camp Fire tore them apart, children are greeting each other with giddy hugs and taking seats in their Paradise classrooms. It's as beautiful as it is miraculous. 

   But let's transition to adult(ified) education. Shall we? Higher ed and hands on learning can be explosive and memorable too. Learning should be fun, right? Please enjoy, but excuse Martha Stewart's dad bod. That woman has no shame!
Take care of yourselves, and happy back to school time!

Monday, August 12, 2019

The Shocking, Uncensored Interview with E.T.

Dear Sillies,
   I've collaborated with my fun and silly friend, Powdered Toast Man. He is so outrageous. You should follow him, if you aren't already.
   Disclaimer: I'm very sorry. We didn't realize ET was so sexually depraved, until I channeled him for this interview. Feel free to move along, if you want to remember his sweet innocence.
   Thank you, and be good to yourselves.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.
E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.
PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?
E.T. - What movie?
PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?
E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.
PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?
E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.
PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?
E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick
PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?
E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 
PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?
E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*
PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?
E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!
PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?
E.T. - Emerging Testicles 
PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?
E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".
PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?
E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 
PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.
E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?
PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.
E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 
PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.
E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.
PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 
E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*
PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 
E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

It feels so damn good to work with my buddy, PTM, again. And again, check him out here. Thank you, PTM!

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Midget Minded Morty and a Six Dollar Taco

   At the risk of him reading this, we'll call the guy "Morty." 
   Morty likes me. Until he reads this. Morty looks like a grandpa. Not like today's youthful grandpas. More like a there-are-some-white-hairs-sprouting-from-his-nostrils grandpas.
Image result for grandpa with white nostril hair
   Morty is nice.
   I don't want to date Morty.
   Months ago, Morty asked me if I wanted to go for drinks, and I politely said "no" by suggesting a rain check. Dumb move. 
   But to my credit, it hardly ever rains in Chico. It might never rain again until the final apocalyptic grand flash flood. So that rain check would never be legit.
   Not so fast. When my birthday rolled around, Morty insisted on redeeming said rain check by taking me out for dinner. So I agreed to meet Morty for a quick bite at a cheap Mexican eatery.
  
   On the eve of this rain check redemption, Morty paid $6 for my taco. In front of the cashier, he then, to my surprise, asked casually "Do I get to spank you for your birthday?"
   "No! Now you're pushing it!" I guarded my taco and moved my tuchas out of his arms' range.
   I mean, really, my friends. If a man pays (only) $6 for my taco, he isn't entitled to spank me too
   Morty proceeded to ask about my weekend plans, suggesting that we get together (so he could spank me?).
   I told Morty that I don't wish to date. I'm happy being single.
   "That's too bad," Morty said, disappointed.

   When I saw Morty last weekend at a community event, he said that he'd noticed that I was a very small girl in a 1970s photo I'd posted on Facebook. Um, yes. I was a very small girl. Morty then said "You know, now, medically, you'd qualify as a m--"
   I know, right!?
   Distracted, Morty turned his head to talk to someone else. 
   Morty turned back to me, "Well, I'm going swimming with the grandkids. See ya."
   Okay, Morty. Are you trying to tell me you're striving for shrinkage 'cuz you want to date and spank a medical midget?

   I thought I'd heard the worst of it. But this one, my friends, that comment --Oy vey.
   Morty, if you're reading this, you must have a very small...set of social skills.
   PS My taco is worth more than $6.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Happy Sextilis! August is Here.

My Dear Sillies,
   I hope this finds you feeling alright.
   August was never my favorite. That said, here's a fun mix of info about August to get us excited about this new month.
   Take care of yourselves, stay as cool as possible, and eat chocolate (or your sinful pleasure, whatever that may be) as needed.
   Love you.

From Wikipedia: August was originally named Sextilis in Latin because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC. SEXTILIS!? Happy *smirk and childish expressions* Sextilis, my friends! That sounds so scandalous, doesn't it? May it be so.

Did you know that August 5 is National Underwear Day?

In honor of Natioanl Underwear Day, there will reportedly be events around the country to encourage the 80% of people who have worn the same style of underwear their whole lives*  to try something new.

*In my case, that would be granny panties. But when I was younger, my sister and I had undies with very pretty fancy labels for each day of the week.  Kinda like these but more girlie:

 Image result for underwear labeled with the days of the week It's a good reminder to change your panties every day, I suppose.    

   How will you celebrate National Underwear Day?

 

 And now, a lovely August song by the lovely Carole King.

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Comment Collage Starring YOU!

My Dear Sillies,
I have so much fun pulling these together, giggling all the while. What a strange and playful crew we are! Please enjoy this collage of your recent comments.
Be good to yourselves, and keep a smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

holli said When i was a kid, i was on front porch and one dived down my shirt and popped around like popcorn and scared the snot out of me!
Pat Hatt said Sure ugly little suckers. Think I'll stick to the bug free beaver.
Debra She Who Seeks said You're going to give poor old Francis a heart attack, you are. Birgit said Heavens to Betsy! Nyuck, nyuck. What a naughty girl.  
Jono I should erect something in honor of your patriotism.  
L. Diane Wolfe said We don't want limp flags.   
Moving with Mitchell said Sorry. Sounds disgusting.
Al Penwasser said Gotta watch out for low hanging fruit.
Especially when stepping out of the shower. The struggle is real.  
 Martha They look like something in a sci-fi movie!
Alex J. Cavanaugh I'll take caramel ice cream and a big tub of popcorn, please! 
Elephant's Child said Thank you for your intrepid taste testing.
Joanne said Hey - a sugar coma for $2 - heck yeah...I'm in!  
Geo. said Ah, a glow I noticed 80 miles north explained.  
Jeff (Sage) said The mischief of a midsummer eve, the nights are short but intense.  
Elizabeth Seckman said Would they have preferred fuzzy pictures?  Powdered Toast Man said The question is was Eddie Haskel ever hard on the Beaver? Joanne said treat the pole with respect and let the freakin' flag fly. 
Susan Kane said It's a heat wave there!
Janie Junebug said You are the most wonderfully naughty person I know.





Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Movie Night Popcorn Ice Cream?!

Hello, My Dear Sillies,
  This one looked weird enough to star in a blog post: Enlightened Movie Night Ice Cream - Popcorn flavored ice cream with chocolate bits and swirls of caramel. 
   Only 90 calories per serving! One serving is ONLY one quarter of this container (approximately one tablespoon). Naturally, especially when weather is so hot, it's a 360 calorie snack. But wait, it has MORE PROTEIN, LESS SUGAR. That's true too! There's 7g of protein and only 6g of sugar per serving (tablespoon).  Simple math informs that this contains 28g of protein and 24g of sugar!
   I can't lie, it's good stuff. I can't lie twice, it's not the best. The popcorn flavor is subtle enough to work, not strong enough to feel as though you're eating popcorn at the movies, or anywhere, really. The caramel is the best part. Very sweet and yummy. I, of course, wanted more chocolate bits. 
   The whole little thing is a bit of a stretch, cleverly packaged. I'll give it a 7, and I recommend buying a small sized buttered popcorn at the movies instead. The price will be approximately the same. And that WILL taste like Movie Night popcorn.

Stay cool. Stay hot. Know that I love you, my Sillies.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Celebrity Book Fail and Interview with Drew Barrymore

Hi, Dear, Sillies,
   Today, I brought a famed celebrity to our studio. Ladies and Gentlemen, let us welcome the one and only Drew Barrymore! 
   The audience of three (Drew's two kids and E.T. - now hunched over, wrinkly, and wearing Depends) stick their index fingers up and shake them wildly. 

Robyn: Drew, sweetheart, sit down honey. Robyn points at a child sized fuzzy pink Hello Kitty chair, which Robyn sits down on. Make yourself at home.
Drew looks confused and stands frozen. Drew: I, okay. Make you self...phone home?
Robyn: No, honey. You just,...don't think. Don't work that pretty little brain cell. Okay? I'll do the talking.

Drew Barrymore
  Robyn: So, sweetie, you did E.T. and lots of drugs, and then you wrote this little booksie. Didn't you? Robyn holds this up for the audience. Look at this cover of your book about photographs!
Drew claps, giggles, and slowly raises her index finger to the cover. She then hugs herself. 
Drew: It was my calling!
Robyn: Let's read what your reviewers have to say, honey.
Drew: Yay! Yay! Drew extends her arms in a Victory 'v.'

Robyn: Here's one of your many one-star reviews. It reads, "Such a disappointment. It took her 10 years to compile this book???!!! Really???!!!!" Ten years, sweetie? That's hard to believe! The cover alone looks like it took 8 seconds. How'd you pull this off so quickly? 
Drew shrugs. Drew: I guess - giggle - it was some outer body Tourette's real experience.

Robyn: It looks that way. Here's another 1-star rating: "Returned it....way to obviious." Did you happen to write this one, Drew?

Drew: Oh, no. No. I not writed it. It's only a picture book. She giggles and blushes.

Robyn: I see. Do you have anything else to share today? 
Drew: Oh, yes. (Actual Drew Barrymore quote) "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down."

Robyn: But girlfriend, you haven't kissed any of the men I have. Have you? And when the kissing isn't good, you really don't want to do the nasty with them - hands up or down. You know?

Drew points her index finger up. Drew: Oh yes. For sure. I always like that part!

Robyn: Any final words? I've gotta run and make a phone call.
Drew: Yepsers! (Actual Drew Barrymore quote)  "When I lay my head on the pillow at night I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful." 

Robyn turns her back to the audience and vomits on stage. Stagehand MacCullay Culkin shouts "God damnit, bitch! Not again!"

Drew points her index finger at the barf, looks at the camera, twists her hair with the same index finger, and skips off the stage into the vast unknown. 

A phonecall home is made from somewhere...to somewhere. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Summer Erotica!

My Dearest Sillies,
   I hope this isn't too much. I mean, not only because I've posted this 3 or so times already, but also because one of us is wearing too much. Try as this Jewish gal did, the Pope refused to remove some layers. I even told him "Don't worry, hon. You can keep wearing that Jewish beanie." He looked perplexed and offered up some prayers. I don't understand that - but, hey, if it makes the Pope feel better, it's all good. Right?
   How are you? If you're already hot (and you are), I hope this doesn't cause heat stroke. Stay hydrated, and stay silly.
   Love ya.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Gummy Bears on a Chocolate Pool Day

Dear Sillies, 
   I mean, how could I walk by this? Mini GUMMY BEARS on a CHOCOLATE POOL DAY!  While on an otherwise dull Trader Joe's shopping trip, I saw them. They saw me. Then they shouted in their quiet, determined, little gummy bear high-pitched voices: "Come on, Robyn. We know you want us!" Would've been rude to keep moving. Right? If you look close, you'll see little tiny gummy bear foot prints, gummy bear underwater gear, gummy bear water noodles.
   How was it? It was like candy-coated frosting on steroids. Super sweet in a very kid-friendly way. Friendly to this adult too. The little innocent gummy bears tasted fruity, like jelly, in the mix. But I didn't detect much of the dark chocolate - the white has a stronger flavor. Might be too sweet for ya'all, but not for me. As for health benefits, it's 25% iron! We all need iron! 
   Those cute little innocent gummy bears continue to celebrate summer's approach, as they float gleefully in my belly. 
   It was $2 and worth it. But don't say I didn't warn you about its epic sweetness.
   I give this one an 8.5. 

Take care, my friends.
Get your iron, and your sweetness.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Unfold, Unlease, and Wave Away. Salute That Flag!

Dear Sillies,
It's almost Flag Day, an upstanding time to rise to the occasion - unfold, unleash, and wave away.
Betsy Ross knew how to please. I salute her.

Be well, and may you be sincerely grateful for your freedoms.
Love you.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Welcome, June...Cleaver!

 Dear Sillies,
   It's June! How'd that happen?
   Please excuse my grab for low hanging fruit today (as if I never otherwise do so). Then again, I suspect Al Penwasser won't mind.
   Be well, and take care of yourselves.

    Look out for the June Bug
Urban Dictionary's top definition: June Bug ~ Little brown beetles famous for thier incesant bumping into porch lights and houses on a late spring to summer evening. Often tries to sneak into houses, either by flying right in when the door is open, or by hitching a ride on somebody's clothes like a little ninja. Harmless to humans and cannot bite. Despite thier name, they can come out as early as May. Shut that door before you let all the june bugs in!
Thunder Magus March 27, 2009

And June Cleaver, how we miss you.
RIP  Barbara Billingsley, 12/22/15-10/16/10 

  “Oh Ward, you animal. It gets me so hot and squishy when you call it intercourse.”
                      ― Benjamin R. Smith, June Cleaver Sexual Deviant


Everyone's (or just Al Penwasser's and my) favorite ~
But wait, why does he simply grin and walk away? Why does she not remember if he was too hard?

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Celebrity Book Fails: Resting Idol Face?


 









Dear Silly Ones, 
   How are you?
   I hope this finds you having a decent (or better) day.

   I thought I'd bring you a few Celebrity Book Fails. They didn't all get bad reviews, but I reviewed the reviews. From there, I posted amusing comments that did well to capture general sentiment.
   Tell me, please. I'm not a big Idol fan. Is that his resting Idol face? Does he ever smile? Could that be why he dances alone? Just curious.
Be well, and be good to yourselves. 

Seriously...I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres
0 out of 5 stars   Most reviews that were negative included "I love Ellen but..." This is one of them.
Great Book...I'm Kidding February 15, 2013
I cannot wait to become famous so I can write a "book" of scattered thoughts and drawings to color so I can have it published and sell millions of copies. In one chapter she has fakfjgdifjd with a "whoops, I had my hands on the wrong keys", another was just drawings to color, which was very annoying since it was the Kindle addition. There were some amusing things, after all, she is Ellen. I hope in the end of the book she didn't reveal the secrets of the universe because I stopped reading.

Heart to Heart by Britney Spears

December 5, 2001
This book is full of bubble gum talks, come on, can she be sooo nice and sweet, this book made her look very dume and stupid, very immature and childlish.
Well, reviews reflect the readership drawn to the celebrity. Right? 


Billy Idol has a book. See above. Who knew? It seems as though he actually wrote it too. Reviews are mixed but mostly good actually. That said, I'm posting a couple of 3-star comments that I found entertaining. 

Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
 3.0 out of 5 stars Billy likes to bang lots and lots of girls,,, and I guess some other stuff...
November 30, 2014
Perri Lister, his girlfriend who actually was well known back in the 80s, gets no development. He says all the time how much he loves her, but why? She is simply a cipher. 


February 26, 2018
Billy's story is drugs, sex, and, in a minor way, rock and roll. Yes, I know the order is wrong, but that's how it is in this biography. Billy did a lot of drugs. Congrats, Billy, but it gets boring quickly. The big insight here is that drugs are bad. This is not new.

 

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

What is Chocolate? A Jeopardy Question

Dear Sillies,
   How are you holding up?
   Allergies are kicking my tuchas. Anyone else contending with them? Any remedies to suggest besides snorting things up your nostrils repeatedly like a coke addict? (Probably not something to do in public.)
   Otherwise, I can't complain. Well, we can always complain. But it's better to be appreciative, in spite of life's miseries. I am. And I hope you feel the same, at least for moments in time.
   This past weekend, I took a little trip to Berkeley (approx 3 hours away).
   It's a colorful place with some lovely flowers, and fresh Bay air.


   There, I attended a sweet young guy's Bar Mitzvah* ceremony. (*The Jewish ceremony marking one's passage into adulthood at age 13. For girls, it's called the "Bat Mitzvah.") This young man, who I used to babysit, is a kindred spirit in his love for chocolate.
   During the reception, he and his classmates played Jeopardy. One question perplexed me. Well, I just lied. Many more than one question stumped me. This one, though, I really should have known: What is the name for the chemical formula of chocolate?

How could I have no clue?
That's not right. I'm a fraud!
The kids immediately shouted the answer - those smart, young Berkeley-ites.
Do you know, my smart, young and young-ish bloggy friends?
I'll post answer after the picture of more lovely flowers in Berkeley.














Here we go:
"Theobromine, formerly known as xantheose, is a bitter alkaloid of the cacao plant, with the chemical formula C7H8N4O2. It is found in chocolate, as well as in a number of other foods, including the leaves of the tea plant, and the kola (or cola) nut."

WHO KNEW? I SURE DIDN'T!

Keep a smile and plenty of theobromine on hand, my dears.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Sweetest of Tests: Chocolate Tasting

Dearest Silly Hearts,
   Most tests cause anxiety. The taste test, however, that's a good one. Well, when chocolate is examined. Almost always, at least. So I've done some testing for you and for me.
   I think I sampled this Chocolate Tea (Numi Organic Chocolate Pu-erh) years ago. "Pu-erh is an ancient healing tea picked from 500-year old organic wild tea trees in Yunnan, China." Fair Labor.
   The svelt/hello beautiful chocolate drink is a local creation, very healthy for a chocolate product, high in the good stuff (protein), low in the bad (sugar, fats).
    As for the Puerh, well, I have cheap taste. This one tastes a bit too snooty. I can't love it. It's a little strong, gritty, but rich and smooth. The flavor is more down the lines of black licorice than cocoa. I like it, and I'm happy to support this high quality, expensive ($10 for the box) product, but I don't love the taste. Yet, this one's  unique, warming, and an earth-human friendly product. We'll give it an 8 on a 1-10 scale. 10 is best.
  The svelte is surprisingly good, considering it's surprisingly and relatively healthy. Tastes like good ole fashioned chocolate milk to be combined with oatmeal cookies. But the container's too small to make for a sufficient meal substitute. It won't fill ya up. Maybe three would, and that'd cost ya $6. I'll give it a 7. 



Last but most, I'm here (back) in Bali, on a chocolate factory too. HEAVEN! My "tour" consisted of getting geared up to remain in one room and taste approximately 30 samples of chocolate -- all off the charts (15+) in terms of richness, sweetness, orgasmic-ness. I think I found my happy place.

Be well, and keep things sweet, my dears.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Paradise, 6 Months After The Camp Fire


Dear Silly Hearts,
   I held out as long as I could, but upgraded last month. My old fashioned flip-phone kept cutting out. I thus caved and went the way of Android. 
   Please forgive my shaky hands in the 2-min video of Paradise; I'm still learning. We always are, aren't we? Some of us (pointing at self) have steeper curves than others.
   
   It's been six months since the Camp Fire. 
   A main point I'm making, one that's honest yet intensely sad, is that close to 400 (and not 85) people perished. Because every single life is worthy and should not be dismissed, I'd like to dismantle that myth. 
   To explain a bit, the statistic on the number of people unaccounted for had quickly disappeared, after I recorded it (296 or more). There's hush-hush around reports that hundreds of bodies were found huddled together, bodies that weren't identified. (85 is the number of identified, but I've seen claims of 85-88.) All forms of media have gone with this much lower number. It's easier to accept, although, very tragically, not true.  
   However, on a miraculous note, approximately 52,000 people survived. Given the fire so abruptly ravaged a region of land equal to the size of Chicago, this is incredible.
   Everywhere there are signs of sadness and loss, hope and renewal can't be missed.
   We are remarkably resilient, as is Mother Nature.

Go gently, and know that you're loved.

This sweet couple allowed me to post this. Between them is a heart in the fence, which she'd created. I told them that their love is exactly what I went to Paradise to capture.  


UGH. I have too much to learn. Sorry, seems you can't watch this...I'll work on it. Til then, be well and safe.