One Rainbow Tribe in an Orange World (but only for now).

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Celebrity Book Fails & Review Greats

My Dear Sillies,
Are you doing alright? I sure hope so.
In an attempt to make us all feel better about ourselves, I've collected four of my favorite 1-star reviews of celebrity books.
I hope this brings smiles.
Be good to yourselves.
Hugs and chocolate kisses!
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1) Martha's Entertaining: A Year of Celebrations ~ "This book is excellent as a doorstop."
2) Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man ~"Don't give 'the cookie,' as Harvey adolescently refers to sex, for more than 90 days and your man WILL cheat on you. Good grief, all that work just to have some egomaniacal sex addict around the house for you to wait on hand and foot - no thanks."
3) Kanye West's Thank You and You're Welcome ~ "He's dumber than my four year old cousin, and my cousin has learning disabilities."

4) Kim Kardashian: Selfish ~"They should print this on perfumed pages so blind people can hate it, too."

Monday, January 14, 2019

Quickies

Dear Sillies,
   Today, I bring you three quickies.
1) I received this email a while back: You have used 98.9% of the total data allocated to your mailbox.To avoid placing your incoming massages on hold or loose them permanently,we require you to re-validate your mailbox to expand your data allocation size.

My response: Dear Web mail system administrator,
My data allocation size is none of your business! Second, don’t you dare hold or loose my massages. Bring them on – full body, hot rocks, Swedish, deep tissue - none of that wimpy gentle stuff. Hard and heavy for this gal! If you get my data box to 100%, I will happily re-validate. Thank you.  
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2) Art from ash ~ 
This beautiful mural was painted on one of the chimneys still standing in Paradise, CA. Wow! Right?
lifted from msn news. Artwork by Shane Grammer, who I believe was the home owner. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   3) Another form of art from ash ~
   This weekend, I went to a local cafe for a friend's jazz performance. She did great, as always. 
   At the end, a younger crowd with pierced nostrils took over, excited about a fundraiser show for Camp Fire survivors. 
   Since I'd secured a front row seat earlier, I stayed to enjoy some spoken word.* 
   The first performer wasn't a fire victim, she said. However, a strong spiritual connection to the fire motivated her to produce a number of poems that graced the walls and were available for purchase. "Here's my first one," she announced, and then read from a small slip of paper.
    "I cry!" her voice, loud, confident, dramatic.
    Next, she said with equal emphasis on each word: "I cry!"
   And then . . . "I CRY!"
   I almost cried. But I was sitting in front. I couldn't leave; it'd be too obvious. So would my tears.
  "...cry." Alas, she'd finished.
  "Here's my second one." Crap!
  "It is love," she began.
  Then, "It is love."
  Next, . . .Yeah, you guessed it. "It is love."
  I stood up and pushed through the crowd to reclaim my freedom.      
  "Seat in front! Seat in front! Seat in front!" I belted, as I opened my car door.
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    *Isn't everything we say out loud "spoken word"? Or do we have to say it three times for it to be so?
   I don't know, my friends. I do know that one thing I appreciate about you is this: You never post that stuff for the rest of us to applaud or cry, cry, cry. Thank you x3 for that.
  
Be good to yourselves.
Love ya.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

New Year's Greetings and More Reasons for Celibacy

Dear Sillies,
   I hesitate to say "Happy New Year!" Happiness is such an abstract, far reaching concept. You know? I propose instead that we have a meaningful year, one filled with enough laughter and love to carry us through whatever we're slammed by.

   Now, a return to some oddities. Taken directly from on-line dating ads, here are reasons #34-39 for this single lady to stay celibate. Naturally, I added my snark.{Should you be interested in further punishment, you can find 250 reasons for celibacy in this little book. Plus other silly weirdness like fake interviews with the stars, and my series of poetic erotica.}
    Please laugh and/or be perplexed and/or be glad for your relationship status - whatever it is. 
Keep a smile, and be good to yourselves.
I love ya.
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REASON #34: I am very laid back. I speek my mind. I like to go to the movies rock concerts. Like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too?

REASON #35: The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens.Are you trying to say that you're a butthead? If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #36: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #37: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. This isn’t even craigslist. Try Zeppelin’s daughter. Her name is Scarlet, so she’s probably into threesomes.

REASON #38: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this. Sense of humor - (I laugh at all of my jokes}! (Great way to take one for the team, buddy). I don't expect you to be barbie or perfect, but I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time! I have a profoundly spiritual nature. Sweep me off my feet, Grow with me and be the yang to my yin and help me balance out the incredible male energy, passion and charisma I posses! I am worth your time! namaste. Kindly do not kum-ba-ya all kissy kissy in my garden. Namaste.

REASON #39: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Let me get this straight, you want to make a a friend who’ll commit to you for the rest of “are life's”? That’s kind of an oxymoron, and so are you.