And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Comment Collage Starring YOU!

Dear Sillies,
  I hope you had a great Easter.
  You're so silly that I figured it's time for a comment collage. This one reads like a hilariously bizarre script, and it's comprised of your recent comments. If you're not quoted below, my apologies. {You're likely more sane than the rest of us.}
  Thank you for being a fun-filled, playful bunch. Please stay that way, because I love ya.
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Joanne said Spring has sprung, figure out who's hung…
Janie Junebug said Now that's the way to cheer me up--not that I've ever had an unhappy moment. Elsie Amata said It's about freakin' time!  Lux G. said Matt Damon though. Pat Tillett said I'll bet he wouldn't like it if you called him "peanut dick!"
A Beer For The Shower said So is no one concerned about her wanting to tear up beef to the bone? No food is safe here! Alex J. Cavanaugh said I wonder how many Leprechauns were harmed? Birgit said I just think of the Jolly Green giant as having syphilis. Jono said The urges of spring are strong. Now to find a willing partner to perform the rites.Gorilla Bananas said Now if the foot fetish guy could write with perfect grammar and punctuation, I hope you'd be curious at least. I mean he can't stay down there forever, can he? Elephant's Child said There are far too many oxygen thieves about and I would like to cut off their supplies. sage said Trying to be cute he made an ass out of himself. Al Penwasser said Using Peeps for S'Mores while camping. Giddy up! Anthony J. Langford said Shakin that ass Robyn! JoJo said That's hilarious!!!!!! Pickleope Von Pickleope said As the one with a sentient pickle avatar, THANK YOU STEPHEN for looking out for the rights of cucumbers. Pat Hatt said Guess short people just get the short end of the stick. Mitchell is Moving said You could always wear a sign that says, "If you want to have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting to first base, don't call me Shorty." fishducky said My nephew has been married to a 4'8" woman for about 40 years. I love her dearly!! Stephen Hayes said As a short person I take comfort in that. Debra She Who Seeks said Do I hear a mic drop at the end of that! Yes!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Peep Show!

Dear Sillies,

Since I'm not doing the A-Z Challenge this year, I thought I'd attract new followers through a suggestive post title. And could there be a more sacred week for a Peep Show? Passover starts on Monday night, 4/10. This celebration of freedom, with a focus on compassion for the oppressed, lasts for eight days. So Passover overlaps this year with Good Friday and Easter. Woohoo!

Now, the real reason for this post: chocolate samplings.
There's a chocolate covered Peep on the left, and a chocolate dipped macaroon* on the right. (*coconut cookie that's a traditional Passover dessert)

Adults tend to either hate or really hate Peeps. Aside from the outrageously loud, carcinogenic-like coloring and the annoyingly sweet, sticky innards, what's there to hate? I loved my Peep.
I devoured my Peep. The milk chocolate covering was yummy, as was the bright yellow marshmallow chick. And then it was gone. 

Next, the macaroon. The coconut, which I typically dislike, was fresh and rich and nicely textured and light and semi-sweet. I only wished it had been dipped in more chocolate. A LOT more chocolate. I barely tasted the chocolate, and this made me sad. 

I give the chocolate dipped Peep an 8, and the chocolate dipped macaroon a 7. With a total of 15 on a 1-10 scale, you're bound to have an extra sweet and sacred holiday week.

The minions on my placemats insisted on joining the Peep Show. (Not to worry, photo was taken before eating was completed.)
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WARNING: The following Peep Show cannot be unseen. Please do not see it if you do not have a strong constitution. And for all of us in the United States, the constitution is weakening by the minute, so I suggest you close your eyes and move on. I'm posting this more for the Boycott American Women guy who's been trolling blogland for at least 6+ years and has 2 followers. Two!

I'm also posting this for all the people who drop by and say "Visit me" numerous times in various languages. Yet they never follow my blog or buy my books, which I'm kind enough to inform them of numerous times. However, they tend to praise me for my informative posts. Granted, I take credit for my achievements, but an educational blog is not one of them.

Have a great week, dears. Okay, you've been warned...

This one's for you, creepster peeps.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Springtime Erotica!

Dear Sillies,
I'm resurrecting this baby in honor of Springtime.
Here's hoping Spring brings brighter, more glorious days for you and the earth.
Take good care, friends.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

On Being Short in a World of Rude People


Dear Sillies,
   I met someone this weekend. I know, I know. But that's not the shocking part. It's what he said to me that's shocking. (Hint: It wasn't nice.).
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   In a mood to dance, I took myself to a nearby club. Several local bands played that night. One,  among the area's most popular. I'm unclear why. Their music was so annoyingly loud, I had to go outside in the nippy, night air until they finished.
   Upon re-entry, I stashed my jacket and purse on a stool. That's when our eyes locked. I recognized him - a musician in the obnoxiously loud, reputable band. I was about to lie and say that I liked the music, when he mouthed something to me. I couldn't hear him.
   "What did you say?" I asked.
   "I said 'What's up, Shorty?'"
I abruptly walked away.
   Later, I went to retrieve my jacket and purse. Still there, Rude Man said, "I didn't mean to be rude."
   Dude, if you didn't mean to be rude, perhaps you should have, for example, not been rude. "You WERE rude, and I was about to tell you I appreciated your music too."
   "I'm sorry," he sounded genuine. Rude Man extended a hand for a start-anew handshake. It felt warm and sincere, not unlike the one I got from Bernie. Unlike with Bernie, though, I didn't fall in love.
   Later, I approached a friend sitting with a small group in the back of the club. Guess who was there! No, dangit, not my Bernie. Rude Man. Lynne, a mutual friend, asked if we know each other. In painstakingly regretful synchronicity, we said "We met!" Rude Man explained the scenario to her, though I didn't listen.
   "Robyn," Lynne turned to me after hearing him out, "He meant it in an endearing way."
   What part of "Shorty?" is endearing? Sh? Ho? Hor?
Was he flirting? Sure, it worked with one guy who mocked my height several times on our first date. I ended up marrying him, and we know how that went. (Hint: Not well.)
   "It wasn't endearing," I countered.
   As I left the club, Rude Man approached to impart yet another seemingly sincere apology.
   I don't understand. He isn't bad or mean. Nor are the countless others. I endured hearty helpings of mockery throughout my school years. And now I get told "You're short" on a regular basis. As if I don't know this. I step into an elevator, and someone along for the ride inevitably asks me how tall I am. Why do people freely ask? Why do I freely respond?
   Society doesn't ask the fat guy: "How much do you weigh?" We don't call tall people "Tall-ies". We don't inquire of the stupid, "What's your IQ?" So why is it acceptable to insult the littles? (I admit, watching the Little Women of LA get into a fist fights makes me split a gut. But I wouldn't mess with any of them.)   Short people are the toughest of all. We would do well to start taking revenge on everyone who mocks us. Perhaps that's the only way they'd learn to shut their big, fat rude mouths.
                                             -----
Annie Bidwell (1839-1918) was my height, 4'8". Photo from 1875.

   She and her husband, John, founded my hometown of Chico, California. Annie was a staunch women's rights advocate and a powerful ally of the  Mechoopda Native American Indian tribe on whose land we reside. Annie's friends included Susan B. Anthony, President Hayes, and John Muir. Among many other acts of generosity, Annie donated over 2,200 acres of land, including a Children's Park, to our fine city.
   So yeah, don't mess with a short person. We might build a city or kick you where it hurts most.

Thank you for letting me air this, dears. 
Have a safe, nice, and hopeful new week in the biggest of ways.  

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Resistance Rap, One Peachy Wish


One Wish –Disclaimer: I don’t promote violence. I do hate haters and wish they weren’t among us. I also appreciate my First Amendment rights to free speech, and I intend to use them to the fullest. I’ve been too quiet for too long. It’s time for a new rap song!


I have one wish.
It goes like this: Trump gets impeached. The world knows bliss.
He goes down hard, and he goes down fast.
‘Cuz hate expires and love’s what lasts.

I’d say that I don’t wish him ill. But that may be an alternative fact.
So I plead the fifth – It’s still intact.

He’s hateful and a liar too. His every tweet:
“Your (FAKE) and biased. I’m gonna sue!”
 
My wish gets better in every way:   
Steve Bannon says “I’ll save the day.”
Then POOF! Gone with the Nazis & the KKK.
Don’t be hippo cranium!” Ben Carson shouts.
Ima shock the hippopotamus, hippocampus college ‘n build Lego house!  POOF! He’s gone, just like his brain. 
Who knew the doc was that insane?
Kellyanne somersaults into the scene. Since Gumby, 
her legs more limber than we’ve ever seen.
She flips and lands in the splits;
the Russian Judge holds up a “10.”
Then Conway walks into any book, never to be seen again.
Pence is jolted with honesty that sends him on a gay rights spree.
“I’m gay and proud, as I should be,” says he.
He dumps his post to promote marriage equality.
Indulge me while I take this wish into a coulda-shoulda-woulda twist
Were this a true democracy, we all know who our President would be
And as VP, Bernie would choose, well, me.

Resist, Persist, Impeach, Resist. 

This is my one and only wish.
He goes down hard, and he goes down fast.
‘Cuz hate expires, and love’s what lasts.
Start with kindness. Find a star.
That priceless pair brought us this far.
Resist, Persist, Impeach, Resist.
This, my one and only wish.
My only wish! 


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Persist and keep a peachy wish, my friends.
Love you. 

Monday, March 13, 2017

St. Patrick's Erotica

Dear Sillies,
I hope March is being good to you.
Happy Saint Patty's. A lucky week to one and all!

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Reasons for Celibacy #398-402 and the Flat-Faced Dog Lover's Final Bark

My Dear Sillies,

How's March treating you? Even though the bigger picture seems to grow increasingly unbearable, and because of this, may the smaller picture of your daily life be a pleasant one.

As for me, I'm doing fine. I do best, as you likely noticed, when single and not in that crazy zone that I readily enter when there's a man in my vicinity (or body part). It's not as much fun this way, but it's a lot more calm and productive.  Since that whole bar brawl saga, too, it feels good and necessary to have quiet weekends to myself.

All this said, to further validate that celibacy is really the most sane option for a single straight gal, I now move us past 400 (WOOHOO!) reasons for this calm and boring lifestyle. They're lifted from real on-line dating ads, flavored by my italicized comments, and posted for your enjoyment.
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REASON #398: K First off I know most of you woman can't read, or your color blind, or just have no self respect. K most of this woman can tell that your personality and (lack of) intellect won’t get you a date at the Taco Bell Drive Thru, Walmart aisle 5 (7 maybe, but not 5), or the 7-11 at 12th and Broadway in any city anywhere, anytime. 

REASON #399:
I_wear_pants.
And for that, honey, the world thanks you.

REASON #400:
swm who wants to have the pleasure of worshiping a ladies feet. Ive only had the expirence once and loved it.id love to be rubbing your feet and massaging your ankles n heals would make my day . You mean, like real foot worship? I like to bring a man to his knees, sweetie, but I toe the line at a foot fetish.

REASON #401:
You’re almost there, babe. Almost.

REASON #402:
I;m sure we all have similar stories and are trying to get back on our horse, so with that Giddy up,,  YEEHAW! Ladies and Gentleman, it’s Punctuation Cowboy!

REASON #403:
I'm looking for forever. Only I want it yesterday. Can we talk today
I’ll let you know tomorrow, darling.
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   And do you remember the Flat-Faced Dog Lover? He brought his dog, Heidi, with him on dates. Yeah, things were going well; I was certain he’d seal the deal by initiating a kiss at the end of date two. Instead, Flat Face scurried madly to let his doggy out of the car. [“I've gotta go get Heidi!" he shouted as I prepared to lean in for the pucker.] That was over six months ago, and no barks from him since. Not until this recent text message:

Hi Robyn. It’s (Flat-Faced Dog Lover). How are you? Sorry I disappeared a while back. If you’d like to reconnect msg me back.”

Thank you for the message. I'm well. Hope you are too. Gonna pass on a reconnect. Best wishes to you” –I paused in a moment of thoughtful contemplation. . . Do I add what I’m thinking of adding? Yes! No! Yes! Do it for your readers! So yes, I did add . . . “and your dog.

Sent.
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Keep a smile, my friends.
Take good care of yourselves.